It’s Friday, and that means I’m tired as hell and Smackdown is on. Let’s check out our card for the evening:
Looks like a happening to me, so let’s get to it… shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- We kick off RAW Lite with replays of the Sheamus/Orton/Jericho/Del Rio match which leads to the announcement of a Fatal Fourway at Over the Limit… so naturally, let’s just redo the mainevent from Monday.
- * Sheamus & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio. This really feels like a rerun. It’s not terrible, by no means, but still not far enough removed from Monday. As a result, it deflates my interest in the PPV. The heels focus on Sheamus’ injured arm. Orton gets the hot tag, goes through his moves of doom on Jericho in attempts to grab a pin, but Sheamus/Del Rio get involved forcing the DQ call. Things get out of control, bodies flying everywhere as multiple referees break things up. The ending was good, but still overall a kind of flat matchup.
Cause the Chitauri don’t Avenge
And if Loki don’t Avenge
Well then HULK SMASH!
- * AJ VS. Kaitlyn. This is over last week’s slap. AJ’s facial expression before the bell is one of remorse. Then wen the bell rings, it’s almost like she’s become the female equivalent of Festus. AJ essential destroys Kaitlyn in under a minute and continues her attack after ref stoppage…
- Cue Daniel Bryan’s music, and he comes out to the ring as AJ looks befuddled. Bryan congratulates her for her passion and ruthlessness. If she is sending him a message, she’s got his attention. In fact, he’s willing to move past all the tension between them since WrestleMania. After Bryan becomes champion at Over the Limit, “I’m really looking forward to moving on… that is I’m really looking forward to moving on…to…Kaitlyn.” Ok, the facial expressions by AJ and Bryan here are worth watching this segment alone. Minorly sadistic and bizarre. But fuck me, quite entertaining.
Sam, I am…
- * Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show. Cole reminds us of this duo’s feud not so long ago with the MitB stip, shortest title reign, and Mark Henry. But since it’s been a while, this match feels fresh. Sadly, it doesn’t last very long as Bryan slaps on the YES! Lock and… WTF, Johnny Ace rings the bell and announces the win by submission?
- Ahh… this is over Big Show making fun of Laurinaitus’ voice on RAW. He demands from the Show to be called “sir.” Outside this business there isn’t much demand for a 400+ pound, 7 foot tall, 40 year old freak. He will get his RAW official apology. Why didn’t this just happen here? Want to know why SD is losing ratings? Then Ace cuts a promo about Extreme Rules and Lesnar, blah blah blah.
Charles Barkley @G: “Did you hear about all my political…”
G @Charles Barkley: “Look, I’m going to cut you off right there. First, yes it’s impossible to cut someone off on Twitter. Second, this likely violates the 140 character limit by that service. Third, this is all fake in my reviews anyways. I don’t want to hear any more about it. In Canada, our politicians don’t campaign for two years out of every four. Ridiculous… Turrible, if you will…”
- * Ryback vs. Heath Slater. Slater cuts a regular-sized rant calling Ryback a caveman with a little brain. I find it amusing he wonders who this guy is… Nexus anyone? I realize I start every one of these reviews with a disclaimer about how poor my memory is… but fuck. Kind of hard to forget the awesomeness of the Nexus (the very beginning, at least). Ryback gets the majority of offense in here… FINISH HIM! Then we get the following bit of awesome (I got it on Wednesday because it was leaked):
This is the best catchphrase ever, actually.
- Teddy Long is in the ring, wearing his name-tag, and is introducing…
- * Antonio Cesaro vs. Alex Riley. Riley will get no introduction. Long has to read a longwinded, albeit funny, cuecard of entrance accomplishments. This match is decent length, and Antonio’s style in the ring is very unique compared to many of those in the WWE right now. He moves smoothly, and whatever they forced him to do in developmental, they clearly let him bring much of his indie moveset with him. After a short match, Cesaro uses his unnamed finishing slam to grab the pin and win in about 3 minutes. Post match, Aksana grabs a mic and tells Long they are just friends, but Cesaro is her lover. Then she makes out with him, while poor dejected Teddy Long continues to miss his position of power to thug and bug the Divas who can’t wrestle worth a shit.
- * Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio. We’re getting this match because of the brawl at the start of the show, and Eve got bored. She figures, if she has to be bored, so do I. YAWN! I’m even MORE disinterested in this program right now. This is a typical Orton match. I hit up my “go-to” solution:
THIS IS THE BEST MATCH EVER!!! OMG!!! THAT ORANGE GUY IS PUNCHING THE GROUND FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON!!
- No that didn’t work. So I guess it’s up to Ricardo Rodriguez to save the day. He heads up for a top rope splash into… an RKO! That’s the one thing I do love about Orton, the way he can pull out his finisher at anytime. This creates a DQ. And since Orton doesn’t want to be left out of the injured arm gimmick all the top talent are using, he is thrown into the ring post, and Del Rio slaps on an arm bar to ensure Orton can join the elite club whose members consist of HHH, Cena, and Sheamus. The Four Crippled Horsemen.
One of them is just about to, so Make A Wish.
- How do you know when Hollywood is getting desperate for story ideas? They crap out a movie based on a boardgame. Remember when they made “Clue“? Me neither. Exactly. Fuck off, Battleship. Seriously stupid. Hey why not make Connect Four or Jenga into a fucking movie next…
- * R Truth vs. Jack Swagger. No one told Swagger the San Jose Sharks have been out of the NHL playoffs for weeks. He should be dressing like a Coyote. I think the Kings will take the series, but with Booker T and Jerry Lawler both in contention for that nickname… Plus we all know who Harley Race is rooting for. Truth gets to work as his team mate Kofi and Swaggie’s ol-buddy-ol-pal watch at ringside. Meanwhile backstage, AW is seen watching with the Colons and Mason Ryan. At least in this match, both men get pretty even offense in against each other. Truth lands a nice DDT which converts into a little sequence and a very creative rollup attempt. BUT NO! Just as Truth looks to get a victory, a little heeltastic action by Dolph leads to some skirmishing between both sides… Truth hits his finish, and a
clean pin. Actually, Truth had some help with a nefarious sneaky kick from Kofi on the outside to Swaggers skull.
Roundhouse Kicks for all!
- * Darren Young & Titus O’Neal vs. Santino Marella & Zack Ryder. I won’t shit on this. It’s clearly a comedy match (and our third tag match of the evening, and I want you to think specifically about the latter for a second. Done? Ok). Santino is in fine satirical form, as is Ryder. They get their spots, but it’s not enough for Golddust’s favorite Fortunate Sons (they’re not called that, although their racist slant likens itself to Cryme Tyme in their post match tyrade). Yep, O’Neal hits The Ghetto Blaster finish for the win.
- Matt Striker questions Sandow backstage about his promise to usher in an era of enlightenment. Sandow forgives Striker considering he was a former educator. It’s very much shades of Lanny “The Genius” Poffo. Nothing very new though, he is too smart for us. “This concludes our interview,” he notes upon near exit, then adding, “You’re welcome.” I love that ending catchphrase. Many people are on the fence about Sandow, and we still haven’t seen what the former Idol can do since his last stint in the Bigs. Until then, I’m still on the bandwagon, and there’s no room for the unwashed masses.
Was tempted to pick up tickets for the July UFC event in Calgary featuring local ass-kicker Nick Ring, but only a return of Chris Simon would’ve inspired me to shell out for this event. Shit, I get to go to WWE events for free with my… umm… seat-filler hookup. The prices of this event are ridiculous. They will sell out, SMARK my words. Nonetheless, not going. I’d pay for Sonnen..
- Happy Mother’s Day to all the lovely MILFs out there. You know who you are, call your Big Poppa G. LOL. Yeah, you know what time it is, folks. And no, I am STILL not sick of this. Especially the part of his dance where his eyes glaze over and he sticks out his tongue, speaking of Festus earlier. Out comes Comacho and Hunico.
- *Brodeus Clay VS ???… Hunico. They “mug” him to start until the referee breaks it. Brodeus “jiggles up” from the beatdown with power only known to those down with P Funk and Bootsy Collins (notable for making the slap bass technique known). Clay eats Hunico. I was going to make a particular joke about a particular fast food franchise and hot sauce… then decided not to… because we harp on racist bullshit in wrestling on Bored Wrestling Fan all the time. It’s kind of mean to call Hunico a clown anyways.
Funky’s going to animate(d gif)
- We get another run down of Paul Heyman’s appearance on RAW on Monday. I do actually watch this.
- * Chris Jericho VS Sheamus. Meh. I’m going to give this a chance, because I don’t recall these two squaring off much. Nonetheless, this program has been given WAY too much time this week. It’s amazing how similar the two guys entrances sound. It’s probably a result of the audio guy fucking up or Sheamus coming out too early. Either way, sloppy stuff. And to think that could have been fixed easily in post-production. Ok, I’m already turned off. I go get my laundry… ok back… looks like Jericho is working the injured arm of Sheamus, and tosses him into a ring post outside the ring. I guess Brock will come back to face a ring post in a battle for who injures arms the most? FUCK THIS. Y2J attempts a Walls of Jericho… NO! Whatever, Alberto Del Rio runs in, DQ. He attacks Jericho… then Sheamus, then Orton runs in… Yells at Sheamus or something. They hit finishers on the heels, I go play some Skyrim and go to sleep.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 2012, Beth Phoenix, Bootsy Collins, Brodeus Clay, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Epico, Hhh, Hornswoggle, Hunico, Jinder Mahal, Kharma, lesnar, Mark Henry, May 11, Natalya, Paul Heyman, Primo, Santino Marella, Sheamus, sin cara, Ted Dibiase, Teddy Long, The Big Show, The Great Khali, World Heavyweight Champion, YES! YES! YES!, your mom