NO! I don’t wanna review RAW! You can’t make me! Nooooooooo!
Last night at Over The Limit, a bunch of crap happened, CM Punk retained his title, and John Laurinaitis beat John Cena with help from the Big Show. Let’s see what kind of horrible stuff they make us sit through tonight in one of the last two hour RAWs.
We get our standard recap of Laurinaitis winning agasint John Cena last night. Thanks to The Big Show.
Chad Kroeger isn’t telling me to burn things this week. Instead…
John Cena is in the house, and he’s pissed off. No fancy running & sliding into the ring, just give me the microphone. Which means we’re starting with talking. Cena usually comes out to congratulate his opponent when he loses, but what the hell happened? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat him. It’s not how it happened, it’s why the hell would something like that happen in the first place? Since Laurinaitis has been here, he’s been a selfish, power hungry bully. Last night, he got a taste of his own medicine. It was great. Everything it was supposed to be. Everybody was having fun. Then Laurinaitis ran away, and Big Show brought him back. Big Show. The guy Laurinaitis humiliated last week. Then it was fun again. Cena nodded and said, “Show, I got this one.” Then Show gave him Laurinaitis, but then Big Show, a man he used to call a friend, knocked him out cold, and your winner was John Laurinaitis. People want to know why Cena toyed with Laurinaitis. Because he deserved it. Cena’s not glad about The Big Show selling out. There is no explanation for it. Cena doesn’t care who the GM would have been. It could’ve been the computer for all Cena cares, the first act would be to hire the Big Show back. This isn’t about Cena losing, this is about Laurinaitis winning, we’re stuck with this People Power garbage. Laurinaitis will probably come out and tell you how great he is. It’s crap.
Hey, speaking of the GM, Eve is here. Cena says Laurinaitis got really hot but still sucks. Eve introduces Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis comes out on an eletric scooter thing that old handicapped people drive around in. I was going to say “old crippled people,” but I don’t think that’s PC. Laurinaitis says he was rushed to the emergency room last night for a possible broken clavicle, ACL, and PCL, a possible spinal injury, and contusions all over his body. He can’t lift his left arm or move his left leg, which indicates potential nerve damage. That’s ok, because as he proved last night, when he’s in that ring he’s a fierce competitor. When he’s outside that ring, he’s a WWE Executive, and if anybody lays a finger on him again, they will be terminated. Enough about him, he’d like to introduce the man who, this past Saturday, he re-hired and gave a great bonus to. The man Cena will face in East Rutherford, NJ at No Way Out, The Big Show.
Wait. Hold up. I don’t have last Monday’s show available to me at the moment, but I do have my review, in which I QUOTED word for word the Board of Directors letter to John Laurinaitis.
“We have important news regarding your match with John Cena at Over The Limit. We feel it is important for the WWE Universe to know exactly what they are getting. Therefore, your match with Mr. Cena will be one-on-one. There will be no special guest referee. No one is allowed at ringside. The only way to win is by pinfall or submission. Any Superstar who interferes in the match will be immediately terminated.”
So, if Big Show was hired back on Saturday, and the PPV was on Sunday night, shouldn’t the Board of Directors fire Big Show? #WWELogic
Anyway, Show comes out. The fans chant “you suck” at The Big Show, who says that he’s sture everybody would like an explanation. Quite frankly, nobody is entitled to his explanation. Last week, he was on his knees to John Laurinaitis begging for his job. Nobody loves the business more than Big Show. The fans, Superstars, the crew. He was so upset he found himself crying. Everybody watched a grown man, a giant, crying on worldwide television. “You’re a sell-out.” Show says he got no sympathy. 18 years of his life for nothing. He did what he had to do, what everybody would have done. He has an iron-clad contract now, and he’s proud of it. How dare anybody judge him? Show will be judging Cena June 17th. There will be No Way Out, because Big Show is going to knock Cena out.
COFFEE MUG MAN shows up. He tells Cena he lost to John Laurinaitis, and now he’s going to lose to him. Cena says he’s not in the mood. Go in the back, watch reruns of Law & Order, because if he gets in the ring with Cena, Cena will hurt him. COFFEE MUG MAN stops at the top of the ramp, and dedicates the match to Mr. Laurinaitis, and apparently we’re getting John Cena vs. David Otunga up next.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: Big Show says he’ll knock out John Cena at No Way Out.
John Cena vs. David Otunga
Cena charges at COFFEE MUG MAN, who avoids Cena at all costs. Cena chases him out of the ring, Otunga gets back in. Cena comes in after him, Otunga gets back out. Cena tries to outsmart Otunga, but Otunga gets his shots in on Cena when Cena chases him back into the ring. Otunga takes a second to pose for Laurinaits and Eve, and Cena takes advantage of that window. Otunga doesn’t even put up a fight when Cena goes for the AA, and taps quickly when Cena locks in the STF.
Winner: John Cena
Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Darren Young, and Titus O’neil attack Cena immediately after the match. Sheamus runs out, running over Laurinaitis in the process, to help Cena. The duo dispose of the young Superstars, and John Laurinaitis asks said Superstars what they’re doing. He didn’t give them permission and orders them back to the locker room. He says that the audience likes to see Cena and Sheamus in action, and they’ll be teaming up later tonight. In a handicap match. A handicap LUMBERJACK match.
Still to come, Randy Orton faces Alberto Del Rio, and Daniel Bryan calls out CM Punk.
Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez… Who is interrupted by Santino Marella, which apparently stems from Santino’s YouTube show. Santino says he can’t understand nothing Ricardo is saying. His accent is ridicoolus (I know how to spell ridiculous. I use it to describe this show on a weekly basis. This is spelled how Santino says it, as is most stuff in this paragraph). Almost as ridicoolus as his eyebrows, they look like caterpillars. Santino is beginning to think Ricardo knows nothing about the art of introductioning. He doesn’t even rrrolll his rrrrrs. Trrry it. Ricardo does. Sanino says it sucked, and does his own. They have an r-roll off, before the cobra scares Ricardo. Santino says he got scared by Santino’s arm in a cobra costume. Ricardo gets stuck in his tuxedo jacket, and Santino hits him with the Cobra, and asks for Alberto’s music so he can show us how it’s done.
“Ladies and Gentlemens, let me introduce to you a man who has more fancy cars than Jay Leno, and the only man who drove his car directly into the building tonights, weighing in at 108 Kilograms, from some crazy place in Mexico, Ladies and Gentlemen, allow myself to introduce to you Alberto Del RRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrio!”
The announcers tell us that RAW is about to celebrate a milestone, and we get a video package about the 1,000th episode of RAW. RAW will be 3 hours starting July 23rd. Joy.
Del Rio finally rolls into the arena in a 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud worth $149,000. He gets in the ring, and Santino bails. Del Rio in action, next!
I hear voices in my head… They’re telling me that I have to stay awake during Super Robot Orton’s match. Meanwhile, Michael Cole explains my earlier question. John Laurinaitis and Big Show agreed verbally to a new contract on Saturday, but the actual contract wasn’t signed until this morning, which is why Show isn’t going to be fired.
Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio
I yawned. It doesn’t take much of Orton for me to get bored. Then I got a phone call. I paused the video, went away for a little bit, and now that I’m back, I’m going to FFW! Alright, so Orton drops Del Rio with the elevated DDT, then does his little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk, but instead of hitting the RKO, he eats a Codebreaker from Chris Jericho!
Winner via DQ: Randy Orton, presumably
Jericho stands over a fallen Orton. He grabs the mic, and he says he’s the best in the world at what he does. Twice. Three times. Then he drops Orton with a second Codebreaker. He asks Orton if he understands. He goes to leave, then gets back in the ring. He pulls Orton back to his feet, and he hits a third Codebreaker.
Still to come, Cena and Sheamus team up in a 3-on-2 Handicapped Lumberjack Match. But next, Daniel Bryan will call out CM Punk!
KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT! Daniel Bryan is here! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Bryan feels as though a great injustice was done and he should be the new WWE Champion. Don’t take his word for it, see it for yourself. He shows footage of Punk tapping out at Over The Limit. Question and answer time with Daniel Bryan. Did he make CM Punk tap out? Yes. Should he be the WWE Champion? Yes. If he faces CM Punk one more time, will he make him tap out again? YES! YES! YES! The only reason he isn’t the WWE Champion right now is because of the gross incompetence of one referee, and he demands a rematch!
The WWE Champion is here! He holds his belt up, then says he’d like to clear up any controversy from last night. It was one of the greatest battles he’d been in in his entire life, but Bryan is forgetting that Punk beat him one two three in the center of the ring. Punk would like to settle things in the ring, but more than that he’d like to remind Bryan what happened last Friday on SmackDown.
LAST FRIDAY: Bryan hit Kane with a chair, leading Kane to think that Punk hit him, thus attacking Punk with the chair himself.
Punk says it was clever, and he’s ashamed he fell for it. He’d love nothing more than to introduce Bryan’s opponent for the evening…
The Big Red Monster arrives in a big red puff of smoke as Punk joins the commentary team.
Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
Bryan holds his own, using his quickness to avoid Kane. Kane goes for a chokeslam but Bryan escapes. Bryan low bridges Kane over the top rope, then nails him with a suicide dive. Punk decides to leave the announce table. He grabs a chair and goes to hit Punk, but Bryan stops him. Kane turns around to see the chair in Bryan’s hand. He hits Bryan with a big boot, then nails Bryan with the chair.
Winner via DQ: Daniel Bryan, presumably
Kane destroys Bryan with the chair, then rolls him back into the ring, where he chokeslams him. Kane turns to leave, but thinks twice. He grabs Bryan and chokeslams him again. Punk asks King if he wants to check on Bryan, but King says he’s busy. Punk says he’ll do it. Punk gets in the ring and asks Bryan if he’s ok. Then he locks on the Anaconda Vice. Bryan taps immediately.
Still to come, John Cena & Sheamus team up in a 3-on-2 Handicapped Lumberjack match.
WWE Rewind: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are suing Triple H
Cole tells us that Triple H is in Stamford meeting with the WWE legal team. Do they have a case? WWE.com asked legal people and wrote an article about it.
Returning to RAW after 8 weeks, the man who won last night’s People Power Battle Royal and then went on to defeat Cody Rhodes for the WWE Intercontinental Championship, Christian! He’s in action, NEXT!
Jinder Mahal? Really? Oh boy.
Christian vs. Jinder Mahal
Christian is suddenly a face. No reason. Just because he went away and came back. That automatically makes you a face, apparently. Nevermind that he was an obnoxious ass of a heel when he got injured. And when he came back. Twice. FFW because I know what’s going to happen. Christian with the Killswitch, I’m sure. Killswitch, then a frog splash, THEN the pin.
Still to come – the same thing I told you was coming before the last three commercial breaks. But next, it’s Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: Big Show says he’ll knock John Cena out at No Way Out. Didn’t I type that already tonight?
Kelly Kelly is wearing Torrie Wilson’s old Great American Bash outfit. They plug her facebook page and tell us she’s made Maxim’s hot 100 list again. Beth Phoenix doesn’t care. She’s angry because she lost last night.
Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly
Beth takes Kelly down and starts beating the crap out of her. Bodyslam, elbow drop, legdrop, cover, two count. Layla is watching from backstage. Kelly gets a headscissor takedown in, but Beth kicks out at two, then rubs Kelly’s face into the canvas. Beth dominates this match, with the occasional flurries of offense by Kelly Kelly. Kelly goes nuts and starts wailing on Beth, but Beth clubs her in the back of the skull when she goes for the handspring elbow (which she also stole from Torrie Wilson). Beth nails the Glam Slam for the victory.
Winner: Beth Phoenix.
John Laurinaitis is still rolling around on his hoverround thingy backstage. This lame handicapped match is up next.
The World Heavyweight Champion is out first for this match. Cena is out next. Now we can find out who their opponents are.
EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero introduces us to two thirds of the team that will teach Cena and Sheamus to respect authority, The All American American Jack Swagger, and the Show Off Jack Swagger. Their tag team partner is
Lord Tensai. The lumberjacks show up. Reks, Hawkins, Young, O’neil, Primo, Epico, Jinder Mahal, Chris Jericho, Hunico and Camacho, David Otunga, Alberto Del Rio, Drew McIntyre, and I’m sure there are others I can’t see at the moment are the lumberjacks.
John Cena & Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and Tensai
Remember what I said about being bored by Orton earlier. Replace the word “Orton” with the word “Tensai” and you’ll get how I feel about this match. Sheamus and Cena dominate early until Tensai sends Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus takes out half the lumberjacks on his own, but Tensai catches Sheamus getting back in the ring. He drags the Great White to his corner, and the heels take over this match, keeping the ring cut in half and Sheamus away from John Cena. Tensai sends Sheamus to the floor again, and all of the lumberjacks go after Sheamus before rolling him back into the ring. Big Show comes out on the stage to watch. The heel beatdown of Sheamus goes on for quite a while. By the way, Tensai’s “tattoos” on his face vanish during this match. Told you it was Sharpie. Sheamus finally gets to Cena, Ziggler gets tagged in, and Cena drops him. He goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but he gets distracted by the lumberjacks pulling Sheamus off of the apron. The lumberjacks assault Cena and Sheamus, and faces spill out of the locker room for the save.
Winner: No contest, presumably
Cena gets out of the ring and rushes up the ramp to the back as a huge battle carries on in the ring. Cena finds John Laurinaitis and asks him where Big Show is. Laurinaitis says he doesn’t know, and reminds Cena he can’t touch him or he’s fired. Laurinaitis walks away, and Cena turns around into a right hand from The Big Show. RAW ends with Cena lying unconscious backstage.
My thoughts: Six matches. Half of them I had to guess at the official outcome of the match. Why do we even have matches? Goodnight everybody.