Well, WWE sure went and “TNA’d” RAW this week, giving us a taste of what the future has in store starting July 23rd, officially marking the 1000th RAW and the start of 3 hours of programming (including overrun). I’m on the fence about what I thought of last week’s RAW in consideration of the programs that will continue on tonight’s rendition of Friday Night Smackdown.
And in all fairness, describing a the quality of a program by using “TNA” as an adjective is kind of offensive to the oddly superior program, Impact Wrestling, over the last couple of months. This includes two great PPV’s out of the Orlando promotion (that nobody ordered, and I can’t blame them).
How long will it be before we describe TNA as botching their show as “WWE’ing” it? Enough with the editorial. Let’s just hop to it, shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- A bunch of clips from the 3 hours of RAW around Big Show, Vince, and two guys named John.
- AJ kicks of the show in the ring to explain why she kissed Kane earlier. And then Vickie Guerrero interrupts. Out comes Dolph Ziggler who notes he is the number one contender, and will be coming for the title either way. AJ denies that as possible and calls Vickie Dolph’s grandmother. Vickie slaps AJ, and AJ’s reaction is amorous almost savoring getting hit and giving the ogling eye to Vickie? WTF is this character doing? Cue up The Cult of Personality, because it’s clobbering time!
- Punk notes to Vickie, that just because she says “Excuse me,” doesn’t mean we have to. And there is no excuse for her, all she does week in and week out and say the same song and dance and Dolph always drops the ball. “You’re the voice of the pointless,” he states. Dolph attempts to retort, but suddenly the ring is swarming with bees….
- Out comes Daniel Bryan,.. calling this priceless as Punk is AJ’s hero even though AJ was making out with Kane on Monday. He revels in watching Punk and Kane make the same mistake he did, and there involvement with AJ will only lead to Bryan becoming champion…
- Out comes Sheamus, calling Danny Boy a fella and a fool for still blaming AJ, and makes his obligatory “arse” joke. And Dolph has no shot against him at the PPV…. etc.
- Where’s the flow-chart at? HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA? Actually it’s not needed, so the mainevent of the night is starting off our show?
I only lie about the truth, and this is not the case. Sure, they had their biggest PPV audience last Sunday… And yet this guy gets jobbed out. WWE continues TNA it here.
- * CM Punk & Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler & Daniel Bryan. I opt to just watch this and make little notes, since it should be showcase of all men, none booked to look weak with a non-finish… in theory. The first portion is solid, and ends in predictable fashion as Bryan takes Punk to the outside… commercials. Actually, when all comes down to it, this was a great little match with Dolph Ziggler pinning Sheamus after some distraction by Vickie. Dolph high-tails it out of the ring with Sheamus in the chase. Post match, Vickie and AJ go at it, with AJ continuing her sadistic attacks… but it’s not to be, as Vickie takes her out and flees. PYRO! The Big Red Machine, Kane hits the ring and carries AJ to the top of the entrance in sympathy until Punk attacks him! Kane tosses Punk into an awaiting Bryan, but Bryan eats a Chokeslam, as does a recovering Punk. Kane looks at AJ, with his tilted head and AJ falls to her knees in a bizarre succubus pose, cackling. This is one fucked up program. Possession angle?
- Speaking of Kane, or Kain for that matter…
He’s not Andre, nor is he Mick Foley. But BANG! BANG! Indeed. Matt Kain gets this season’s prowrestling taunt reference nomination as of today…
- * Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater. Fucks sakes. Damn I love this entrance. It is what it is. Clay makes his usual awesome way to the ring to face everyone’s most hated jobber, Heath Slater. You know how this ends. As much guff as we give the craptacular booking and performance of Slater, he seems to have his job locked up, and knows his roll. And if the dude is smart, he’s saving every penny. Clay wants to get down to business, and that John Laurinaitus has banned him from RAW, and if he gets anywhere near Big Show, he’ll be fired. But Clay is confident that “The Big Homey” John Cena will take care of Show… And Clay notes Johnny Ace will provide some competition that will leave him flat on his back, and asks “who you got?” When Slater’s music hits, Clay yells, “what?” So do all of we. This match doesn’t even last a minute. Your winner? The fans, who get to see Clay win, and demonstrate some decent stick work.
- Post match, Otunga cheap shots the back of Clay’s knee and continues to work it to see the YouTube PPV prematch for the injury angle. At least for a rushed storyline, it’s told well. Hey, I might even tune into YouTube to catch the Funkasaurus kill COFFEE CUP MAN and his Baby Oil! No I won’t.
Funk is gonna roll… the fuck on out of here.
- * Beth Phoenix vs. Alicia Fox. Layla joins commentary, and babbles. Alicia lands her flip kick move, and doesn’t injure Beth! Shortly thereafter, it’s a Glamslam and Beth gets the win. Just another 1 minute match on tonight’s episode of Friday Night Jobber’s Delight!
Charles Barkley @G: “Look what I traded my Dream Team Gold medal for, G!”
G @Charles Barkley: “What is wrong with you?”
- Hornswoggle’s favorite moment in the 1000 episodes of RAW was when the Muppets were on last year. Well, I did enjoy that too. And in all fairness, anyone who grew up as both a Little Jimmy for wrestling AND the Muppets, I could accept that as a moment.
- John Laurinaitiusisuesusses is out to talk about Vince’s condition after he sold the phantom punch by the Big Show on RAW. He’s got crutches now, since Vince trashed his People Power Mobile on Monday (rumour has it, was unplanned). Johnny gets the “What” treatment, and clips are shown from RAW. After all of this, Ace calls out the man who has to save his job… KNUCKLEHEAD! Yep, Mr. Costume/Gimmick himself, “No Gimmicks Needed” Paul Wight. I kind of wish this incarnation of the guy with the iron-clad contract would revert to that character. Coming full circle. Ironically enough, Paul notes even when he was in WCW, he was never able to outshine the stars there like Hogan, Sting, and Flair. This is great, Show cuts a Vince McMahon impression and how his name got changed, how he sat on the sidelines as a special attraction watching others rise to the top. “I am PROUD I am NOT John Cena,” he says, “And in this steelcage match, I’m going to make up for lost time.” Brilliant. As much as I rip on the WWE over the last 2 months, Paul Wight is NOT the reason I do. The only knock I have on his spiel is that he keeps talking about “The last 14 years…” because it’s too similar to Mark Henry’s “The past 15 years…” big man story.
- As the two leave, Cole interrupts to let them know that Cena will be in the arena before the end of the show tonight…. so Paul Wight gets back in the ring and promises he awaits Superman’s appearance.
I’m not sure what to put here, but love this gif.
- Captain Charisma comes out with much enthusiasm tonight, unlike last Sunday when he was completely underutilized in throwing to a segment on TNA’s most critical portion of their PPV. Then we hit clips of the story between Rhodes and Christian over the I.C. title. This PPV match is one I am planning on finding a way to watch… ahem. But let’s see how JT’s “Biff Tannen,” the “San Jose Shark,
fares in his bout with The Peep’s Champion…
- * Christian vs. Jack Swagger. Swagger immediately gains momentum and corner punches the crap out of Christian’s exposed back. Vickie, also at ringside, gets in his face, and Swagger get’s “Swag Time” as Booker puts it. Swagger punishes Christian for a good while, and Christian in unable to shift momentum numerous times until… FROG SPLASH! Christian gets the pin and the win. Christian’s form is not at the level of an RVD, or the late Eddie Guerrero (as I’m sure Vickie was thinking watching this, RIP Eddie!), it’s nice this has stuck around for a month or so. A classic finisher finds a home.
Thanks to GunSage of Wonderpod for pointing me towards the truth. The damn awful truth about playing video games. LOL.
Speaking of Wonderpod, The BWF Outsiders show up on Wonderpod Episode 114 where two of us continue our invasion asking that crew about Mortal Kombat 2. I listen to a bit of that… back to the show!
* Ryback vs. Ari Cohen and Mike Testa.
Nom Nom Nom…
- Ari and Mike debate whether they are not a joke… do a knock-knock joke with the punchline being “The End of Ryback.” Then the chicken crossed the road to dominate Ryback. The crowd appropriately shits on this and comes to feed. The jobbers get a little tactical swarming in on the start just like with the Raptors in Jurassic Park until the T-Rex fucks up their shit at the end of the movie. They only anger The Ryback, who delivers extra unnecessary offensive attacks! Both men are lifted and slammed, and one body is used to pin the jobbers. Ryback wins, as the very slow build continues.
- * Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd. Damien Sandow was angered by Tyson Kidd last week, so Damien humbled his sans ass-fucking. PG TV, of course. Sandow enters and speaks. He’s mad… and complexly spoken, alas… I am tired… Sandow and Kidd start quick, but Sandow repeats his short match segue for our third, and likely last, squash match of the evening. No surprise, they’re holding tight for Sunday.
- Sin Cara. Ryback. Sandow. Slater. Same match, for many weeks must end after Sunday. Plot movements needed badly…
- Micheal Cole’s favorite RAW moment was becoming Sir Micheal Cole and forcing J.R. to kiss his feet in a segment. No. Do not agree. That shit always is exactly that. Shit.
Is the WWE trying to compete with TNA to see who can get the LEAST buyrates? D… U… M…B…. that spells “Moon.”
- Cena is walking backstage and decides to punch heel changing room doors… Be a Star… commercials, FFW’ing all the way!
- And John Cena goes to the ring. Oh shit, it’s “comedy” Cena to start. He does some work with prose as he delivers a response to hiding from Show. Semi-rap?
LAIOTYHTRYOSYTIOSRTOYTIOYTOYTRIOYTT Johnny Ace comes out and tells us he sent Big Show home. Cena says he wants to punch someone out and be a star, being a face… argue bicker argue, steel cage match is going to happen but Cena wants to attack Ace. But then the GM says he has no problem knocking out Cena again? Cena is embarrassed that this guy is his boss. Big Show loses, Ace fired, etc. Show wins, Ace fires Cena on Monday. Great. More firing garbage. Cena knocks out Ace….bleh…
I’m not asking for much, folks.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 2012, Adjective, Aj, Beth Phoenix, Brodus Clay, Clob, CM Punk, Computer Technology, Contender, Cult Of Personality, Daniel Bryan, Dolph, Epico, Friday Night Smackdown, Hornswoggle, Hunico, Jinder Mahal, John Laurinaitis, July 23rd, June 15, Kharma, Mark Henry, Natalya, New Revelations, Paul Wight, Play By Play, Ppv, Prick, Primo, Program Impact, Rendition, Santino Marella, Sheamus, sin cara, Ted Dibiase, Teddy Long, The Big Show, The Great Khali, TNA, TNA'd, World Heavyweight Champion, Wtf, wwe, WWE'ing, your mom, Ziggler