It’s Tuesday, you know what that means. Wait, it’s Tuesday? What in the blue hell? I’m not even supposed to be working here today! Great American Bash? More like Holla, Holla, Playah, Holla! It’s Teddy Long time, folks. So let’s just make our way down to the ring, shall we? No hopping to it this time.
Fortunately I got to watch this with my fellow smark “Kasan” on the Stickam account “Threewaydance”. While I generally am at work when it’s live, if you want fellow wrestling fans to break down the action with live, I highly recommend checking them out.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- According to the PWT, the next interim WWE General Manager will be determined by the winner of The Great American Bash battle royal on tonight’s live SmackDown…. hmm… what will we get, tonight?
- Our show kicks off with the mandatory party backstage like they do with all the holiday parties. Every jobber and Superstar not worth a damn to the A show is in BBQ mode. Teddy Long is the host, and Eve is name-tagged as the person to clean up stuff. Santino goes to light the BBQ, but can’t get it done. Enter Kane who summons fire and lights the grill. Ok, that was at least clever.
Or take him to court with Scott Steiner! Badda bing!
- Del Rio grabs the microphone and rips on the crowd for liking Sheamus as they are a bunch of white trash. Sheamus is going back to the place that he belongs and is an illegal immigrant. He demands to see fans papers then harasses the crowd. Enter the Great White, who beats him down. Ricardo opens the car hood and tells to put Sheamus under the hood so they could slam the hood down on him…The refs come to check on the fallen Sheamus as we cut to break.
Indeed, I am.
- * Khali/Layla vs. Antonio Cesaro/Aksana – Khali is being placed in as a revenge spot in the name of Teddy Long. Highly forgettable match, just a one-off fun one for the kids and stuff. Layla pins Aksana.
Charles Barkley @G: “Why are you texting me? It’s Tuesday, honkey. Ain’t no wrasslin’ on Tuesday. I’m getting an early start to the my Welcome to Earf Day!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Wait, it’s Independence Day, Barks. It’s not a movie holiday, it was an actual historical event. P.S. The Titanic was real too. Just sayin’.”
- Mick Foley’s 1000th memory is when 600,000 fans tuned out from WCW to watch him win the title. Same old, same old. Yawn,
- *Christian vs. Cody Rhodes. MitB Qualifier (for Cody only?). Christian is rocking a new chemistry table of the elements T-Shirt lately, which is certainly a step up from his last shirt. The money in the bank brief case is suspended above the ring. Rhodes is in high gear, certainly motivated. He hits a nice bunch of spots. When we return, Rhodes is coming out of the rest spot… Christian looks to hulk up, but Rhodes will not give much of an inch. Christian continually attempts a number of 2 counts near the end, and a failed finish leads to Rhodes reversing into a DDT type spot for the win!
TIMMY! TIMMY, TIM, TAM! …and the Lords of the Underworld.
- Somehow Tensai qualified earlier for the MitB, missed something. Back to the party in the back, where the One Man Band sings terribly and food and garbage is thrown at him for his troubles, and DJ Zack Ryder hits Brodus’ music, dance sequence, end.
-* Alex Riley vs Dolph Ziggler (MitB qualifier). Vickie does her normal excuse me! and we get underway. Dolph is dominating, while still allowing Riley too look good. Riley even gets a near fall, as Dolph bumps his way through to a flying neckbreaker spot to pick up the win and qualify!
Hopefully buddy’s alright… oww…
- Cole interviews A.J…. clip packages… LONG CLIP PACKAGE. Cole calls her a little girl, or as my man Kasan notes, “She is like that college girl who flipped off the high school girl.” Cole points out she should go after a man with power, and Cole goes into Pedo-bear mode hitting on her! LOL! Of all people to save the young A.J., Daniel Bryan makes the save. He calls Cole he is under the impression he is a television journalist, but rather he is a sexist bully who when doesn’t get a story he likes, he makes things up to fit his mold. Read between the lines, he talking about Vince. Bryan thinks that only Punk needed to go through the table on RAW, and forgives her for that… hit up Punk’s music!
Or take him to court with Scott Steiner! Badda bing!
- A.J. makes the eyes at Punk, who immediately tells Cole to get out of the ring. Two people were directly affected by A.J.’s actions last night, him and Bryan. But unlike Bryan, he is not going to sweep this under the rug, or suck up to her… he is going to be honest. He’s worried about her, she’s not in a good place mentally (and maybe some of that is his fault, and apologizes for contributing towards it). She needs professional help… Bryan calls Punk’s shtick a load of garbage. Deep down, Punk NEEDS AJ as a referee to beat him. A.J. separates the two, then proceeds to make out with Bryan. Punk walks away dejected, so A.J. goes and makes out with him too! Where’s Kane? Where’s the MONO medicine? Are Punk and Bryan going to make out too? Nope, A.J. just skips off!
Where, oh where are G’s ice cream bars? Fuck you TNA. Pay her medical bills. I know this is dated, I’m still angry. A.J. < Daffney = Harley Quinn. A.J. has jumped Biff Tannen (a.k.a. Jack “The S.J. Shark Swagger).
- *Santino/Sgt. Slaughter/Jim Duggan vs Drew McIntyre/Camacho/Hunico – Camacho starts? What he actually wrestles? Whatever, the US Champ is a Canadian playing an Italian playing an American champ. This match is a feel good happy independence day deal with the old guys getting in clotheslines and Santino landing the Cobra on one of them, who cares. USA… USA… USA… notes Cole sarcastically.
Charles Barkley @G: “Ignorant fool! The 4th is Fresh Prince Day. And Titanic was only good for Dat Ass, Kate Winslet. I’d ride on that boat!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Ok, either you took one too many balls to the head, or you’re just trolling me… jerk.”
- Back to the BBQ! All the jobbers are dancing while R-Truth and Long watch Little Jimmy get down. Then Damien Sandow interrupts and calls bullshit on the celebration. Zack Ryder gets up in his face, then a food fight ends up with Eve doused in Party Punch. Long mocks her, and Eve runs off in tears. BE A STAR, PLAYAH!
Charles Barkley @G: “PEW! PEW! PEW! WELCOME TO EARF!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Screw this, I’m going to go hang with DJ Jazzy Jeff.”
- Tyler Rexx and Curt Hawkins are in the ring and explain they flipped a coin to see who would face Ryback…
- * Ryback vs Curt Hawkins – At least it’s something different than the jobbers. “Ryback belongs in Killer Instinct” according to Kasan. Ryback eats up Hawkins as Rexx looks on in horror! HORROR!
- Donald Trump is interviewed for the 1000th RAW, talking about the Vince’s Fan Appreciation Night in 2006. Trump trumps Vince by telling him the fan’s want value and drops 1000′s of dollars onto the crowd. Cole kisses the fans asses thanking the WWE after the fact. Then some chick from some random no-name show called “Haunted Highway” is in the crowd shilling her show on SyFy premiering after Smackdown.
- Enter Teddy Long in his BBQ clothes, thanking the crowd to find out who will be the GM next week with the GAB Battle Royale… Del Rio, Kane, Jack Swagger….
At least he’s in on the joke too!
- …Cena… commericials are in this too… Sandow, Tensai, Slater, Punk, Bryan, pretty much everyone and his mom is in this one. Clay, Show, etc… Show kills everyone. Werewolf down! Werewolf down! Funkasaurus gone! Khali is killing Slater… but he gets his via Tensai. Sandow is gone via Ryder… more commercials…
I suppose this is A.J. meeting Lita in 2001… or so the dirty dirt sheets would have us believe. YOU DECIDE!
- Punk takes a foolish risk and is tossed out! Down to eight! Christian, Del Rio, Show, Kane, Cena, Tensai, Ziggler, Ryder… Del Rio gets tossed! Tensai is working Cena, but Tensai eats the floor for his efforts and Show tosses Cena. Show eliminates Christian! Kane double eliminates both Show and Ziggler… OUR FINAL TWO ARE RYDER AND KANE! They were feuding like 6 months ago? Remember? Kane is man-handling Ryder, but Ryder keeps making it out the way! YOUR NEXT GM? ZACK RYDER! “What’s your reward for being thrown off the stage in a wheel chair? A Battle Royal win! Amazing… big payoff” says Kasan. So does this mean that Ryder gets the Christmas Wish for the ability to speak? Ryder? RYDER? LOL. Random Spiderman gif? Yep.
At least the reboot addresses Parker’s parents fate. Looks good, folks!
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 2012, Badda Bing, Battle Royal, Beth Phoenix, Blue Hell, Brodus Clay, Car Hood, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Del Rio, Epico, Flowchart, Great American Bash, Great White, Holiday Parties, Hornswoggle, Hunico, Illegal Immigrant, Jinder Mahal, Jobber, John Laurinaitis, June 3, Kasan, Kharma, Mark Henry, Natalya, Play By Play, Primo, Pwt, Refs, Rips, Santino, Santino Marella, Scott Steiner, Sheamus, sin cara, Ted Dibiase, Teddy Long, The Big Show, The Great Khali, Time Folks, Tuesday, White Trash, World Heavyweight Champion, your mom