It seems the last couple of months have been building up to this Monday. Meanwhile back in Smackdown Land, I’m sure most viewers are going into this just waiting for RAW. It’s kind of a bit of a joke though, because after next week’s Monday does the three hour tour… they are going to be scrambling for things to do to fill that extra hour. And let’s be frank for a moment here, they are having problems filling two hours. So what are we in store for tonight? A holding pattern? Two hours of vanilla tout videos? Ryback squashing someone? Momma’s being called? The answer to all of these questions is likely, “Yes,” but since it’s backstage dance time, let’s hop to it shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
Brooke is looking more like her Dad each and every week.
- The show kicks off with Rey Mysterio. He’s all happy to be back and shit. Family, friends, hometown, return-from-injury-story-line. He needed to come back for revenge, because that’s what faces do… hit Alberto Del Rio’s music who enters sans car, avec Ricardo Rodrrrrrrrrrrrriguez. Chihuahua jokes, etc. Alberto orders him to leave. Rey says no. Typical… Dolph Ziggler comes out and cuts a great promo about winning the MitB briefcase, and his attempt to cash it in at the PPV which was foiled by Del Rio, who takes offense and calls Dolph a goof and Vickie a whore. Rey tells them to fight, so they look to fight Rey…. So Sheamus comes out and our main event is booked. Kind of bland start to the show, fella.
Sad, but true.
- * Hunico, Camacho and The Prime Time Players (O’Neil and Young) vs. Epico, Primo, R Truth and Kofi Kingston. Ok, so the title was defended on the YouTube free show, and then an inconsequential tag match took place on the PPV (since the number one contenders have already been determined as being the PP’s?). What in the fuck is wrong with this company? In all fairness, Epico/Primo and Hunico/Camacho (yes, even Camacho) deliver well in the ring while AW begs the low-riders to tag in his team into the match. It’s kind of funny. Even though some people are hating on AW’s microphone being aired live, I think the guy’s gimmick has legs BUT I do also think THIS IS A GUY WHO NEEDS MCMAHON IN HIS EAR telling him what to say. Everything becomes a clustershmoz as the faces clear the ring and we go to commercials… When we return, The Prime Time Players are working their millions on Kofi for a while, until Primo hits a hot tag and some handsprings/top rope flips onto Darren Young. Primo is awesome here! AW issues an open challenge to Primo as a distraction, allowing for Titus O’neil knock him off the top into a Code-Breaker type finisher by Young who grabs the pin and the win! The PP’s do their dance, until the Big Shows music and they run for the hills. Big Show destroys the faces… grabs a microphone. Time to get serious…
I couldn’t resist making this animated gif… there is so much potential…
- Big Show, “And? What?” and leaves. Angry Show is fair superior to crying face Show. But both Shows are boring as hell in long matches… Cole tells us he is angry, yawn.
Read into this as you will.
- Jeremy Piven is interviewed for his favorite RAW moment, which was when he tried to splash John Cena from the top ropes during the build for Summerfest. Revisionist history tends towards neglecting that groan-tacular RAW host moment.
Knocked his block off…
- A bunch of clips of Cena air from MitB and last Monday’s RAW. You already saw or read about this, so of course the FFW rules apply.
Cena felt bad for what Punk did to Show’s head and decided to “be a star” and go through the same experience to prevent Show from crying in the ring again. Oddly enough, no fucks were given.
- * Zack Ryder vs. Damien Sandow. We are all embarassing ourselves, according to Sandow, by supporting the Orange Guy. But said Oompah Loopah (who did it first, in wrestling), and immediately attacks Sandow. Big mistake. Sandow isolates and reduces the guy to almost jobber status with lethal attacks from all angles, and showing a new rage-inspired persona we have yet to see. Sandow dismantles the Internet Champion and finishes him. Hey come on, every generation needs a Brooklyn Brawler, and Ryder fits that bill right now.
Charles Barkley @G: “I dunno about the WWE anymore G, this show is bunk. I might tune in for the 1000th RAW… but 3 hours!?!? TURRIBLE!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Us smarks have been bemoaning the change for months now, but the first one should be pretty good.”
- PEEP SHOW! Christian is going to have the recently engaged Daniel Bryan and AJ
Lee as guests. Look, it’s not Piper’s Pit, but I always mark out for Captain Charisma’s talkshow. They enter hand in hand, both wearing YES! YES! YES! shirts and both are glowing. We get a highlight package of the two planning their wedding. It’s campy as fuck, but pretty entertaining to say the least. I kind of wish they hadn’t FFW’d this gimmick in one week, so we could see a Vegan bachelor party and so forth. Christian gets to the nitty-gritty asking if this is the right thing, etc. Christian polls the crowd and they answer NO!. AJ slaps Christian… but CC notes that Bryan has a match tonight against a psychotic ex-boyfriend right now. Cue Kane’s pyro (even though he noted he isn’t boyfriend material. Man, they put Kane in a lot of shitty stories, huh?).
Also Sad, But True
- * Daniel Bryan vs. Kane. Kane dominates early, even going for a choke slam almost minutes in… AJ emotes as only she can on the outside as Bryan’s resiliencey keeps the Big Red Machine at bay.
- * Heath Slater vs. ….. who could it be? Hmm… Road Warrior Animal? Yep. Guess who wins? Whatever, this was entertaining. Animal of course wins.
Need I comment?
- Backstage Vickie forces me to mute my television as she shrieks at insane volume levels at Ricardo Rodriguez who speaks in Spanish. I have no fucking clue what happened here.
Ok, super clever marks go out to this smark.
- * Sheamus and Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler. Entrances take forever with the heels both having Vickie and Ricardo, and Sheamus and Rey’s first real match comeback taking over. FUCK. I like entrances on occasion. This is not one of them. Save your time! FFW! Everything starts kind of slow… everyone gets a little offense in… enter the adverts. I just now really notice the big “?” on Mysterio’s chest. All men are great in this bout! Splendid main event to be seen on free TV. 20 minute main event! Sheamus ends up going to attack Del Rio for the finish, but is distracted by Rodriguez birthing a DQ finish in favor of the faces. Then the heels attack and serve another Armbar Injury Angle on Sheamus (likely to get him in a bit capacity on the 1000th RAW since they’ve totally overbooked it. Not complaining, I will mark out this Monday… but they’ve got no time for the regular talent). After referees run down and seem the end the spot, BAWH GAWD! The faces recover to prevail over the dastardly heels… and the usual animated gif…. loaded… almost there…. almost there…. Recording a tout…. raising a barn… Fuck this, no one cares…. bring on RAW 1000…
Do not underestimate the bad-assery that is Tom Waits.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 2012, Beth Phoenix, Briefcase, Brodus Clay, Camacho, Cameramen, CM Punk, Dance Time, Daniel Bryan, Del Rio, Dolph, Epico, Extra Hour, Family Friends, Fella, Goof, Heath Slater, Hometown Return, Hornswoggle, Hunico, Jinder Mahal, John Laurinaitis, July 20, Kharma, Main Event, Mark Henry, Momma, Natalya, No really Tout sucks my balls, O Neil, Play By Play, Ppv, Prime Time Players, Primo, RAW 1000th episode, Santino Marella, Sheamus, sin cara, Slaters Gonna Slate, SmackDown, Ted Dibiase, Teddy Long, The Big Show, The Great Khali, Three Hour Tour, Tom Waits Tom Strikes, Tout sucks, vanilla, World Heavyweight Champion, wwe, your mom, Ziggler