We open with a montage of RAW highlights and a sample of the new theme. Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself is out first thank us for getting them to 1000 shows and to welcome us to Monday Night Raw. His spot is short and to the point (as you’ll see, it’s the only one that was.) And he introduces us to DEGENERATION X!
Triple H and The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels are out first. Shawn makes a joke about needing to catch his breath, and Triple H makes a joke about his underwear bunching up on him.
Three hours people
Triple H points out that there used to be more of them, and with that; we cue the rest of DX.
The Road Dogg Jessie James, the Bad-Ass Billy Gunn, and X-PAC! They come out in a modified army jeep with mounted cannon as a call back to the “invasion” of WCW Nitro. The guys hit the ring and we have a full-on DX reunion (well, no China.) Hunter makes a joke about being the only guy who still has a full head of hair, promises to see us all for show 2000, and we all get ready to SUCK IT! Shawn and Billy argue over who gets to do the “We’ve got two words for you,” bit. There’s a reference to Shawn losing his smile, and they agree to go together on it.
They’re cut off by Damien Sandow coming out to berate the degenerates and all of us for laughing at their antics. He warns the DX army that if they attack him, they will only martyr him to his cause.
They do, after a football huddle and telling Sandow they’ve made their decision, Sandow gets the sweet chin music and a pedigree.
“Well, I guess if you’re not down with that, we got two words for ya!” – Billy Gunn
“SUCK IT!” – DX
DX takes us to a commercial break with a group pose on the ramp w/pyro/fireworks.
We come back and good ol’ JR joining King and Cole for commentary for our first match
6-MAN TAG: REY MYSTERIO, SIN CARA, AND SHEAMUS VS DOLPH ZIGGLER, CHRIS JERICHO AND ALBERTO DEL RIO
Ziggler and Del Rio get their customary intros by Vicki and Ricardo and we go to commercial.
It’s a quickie that breaks out into your basic spot-fest until Ziggler gets in a cheap shot on Jericho, paying him back for the code-breaker from last week and setting him up for the Baroque Kick by Sheamus.
WINNERS: SHEAMUS, MYSTERIO AND SIN CARA
We come back to a few “Touts” from the WWE universe about the AJ/Bryan wedding coming up, and a visit from Charlie Sheen that accomplishes nothing.
We then get a video recap of Bryan asking AJ to marry him and her accepting.
We go to AJ backstage with Layla and getting ready for her wedding. Layla asks AJ if she still wants to go through with this, and I’m thinking someone botched a line because AJ changes the subject, making it about everyone calling her mentally unstable. She says the whole place is unstable and to prove it, she opens the door to show us…
Hacksaw Jim Duggan promising to call somebody out of camera view
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Rowdy Roddy Piper and R-Truth playing jump rope with “Little Jimmy”
And Mae Young with her “son,” a guy in a giant foam HAND COSTUME
Three hours people
A Sonic Car-hop on roller skates brings Jerry and Cole some drinks from Sonic (plug.)
JACK SWAGGER VS BRODUS CLAY
We get the usual entrance from the Funkasaurs, who brings out his “brother from another mother,” DUDE LOVE!
Mick Foley comes out in his least popular face gimmick, and the match ends with two moves, the toss suplex, and the splash.
WINNER: BRODUS CLAY
After the match, Swagger eats a tie dyed Mr. Socko and everybody dances.
Backstage: Hunter is talking to what I thought was a Bella twin about yoga when I realize it’s actually TRISH STRATUS! In a callback to a bit from the past, Trish has Hunter bent over in front of her and Hunter whining about how much it hurts when DX walks in.
It was YOGA people. You’re starting to think like them.
They do some sodomy jokes and leave, while X-Pac hangs back to hit on a very uncomfortable Trish.
Backstage, Bryan is talking to men in white outfits and the announce team tells us to vote on twitter if AJ should go through with this.
We get to the wedding and Jerry introduces the Reverend for the proceedings… SLICK! The slickster lets us know, he got paid a whole lot of yard-bird to be here tonight.
#ajidont-by the way, wins the twitter poll by 76%.
AJ is out next in – to be honest – a really nice dress. She really does look good.
I’m gonna skip ahead. VINCE MCMAHON comes out and MAKES AJ THE NEW GM OF RAW and AJ skips out – literally – on Bryan.
We come back from commercial with Bryan losing it in the ring, when Punk comes out to rub salt in the wound. Punk says Bryan can continue throwing a tantrum; he’s going to continue being the best in the world. Bryan say Punk’s not even the best in the ring, and that he’s the greatest superstar of all time.
And with that…
IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL…
Finally, the Rock has come back to St. Louuuuuuuuuuuuuuuis. Bryan tries to cut the Rock off before he can go into his spiel, but you don’t do that. He mentions winning his first WWE title in this very building, but…
“The Rock isn’t here to talk to Frodo,” – The Rock (re: Daniel Bryan)
The Rock is here to challenge for the WWE championship at the Royal Rumble. Punk says that will be him and Rock vs. C.M. Punk sounds good to him. Daniel Bryan responds “NO! NO! NO!” and that the Rock will fight him, and that he will be the champion, and the face of the WWE.
The Rock replies…
“What we’re lookin’ at is what would happen if a homeless lumberjack banged an Oompa Loompa.” – The Rock
“Oompa Loopa, dupity ding, you look like a troll from the Lord of the Ring.” – The Rock
This ends with Rock wishing Punk good luck and slapping the Rock Bottom on Daniel Bryan.
We come back from commercial with a twitter poll. Who do you want to face the Rock at the Royal Rumble? Our choices are #RockPunk #RockShow (why?) or #RockCena.
Brett the hit man Hart is out as special ring announcer for the Intercontinental title match.
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: CHRISTIAN (C) VS THE MIZ
Brett gives Christian a huge intro, and totally undersells the Miz.
Christian starts off strong but tweaks his knee hitting a high risk dive from the top rope onto Miz on the outside. Miz works the leg but Christian battles back. The routine here is Christian taking high risk moves from the top while Miz works the bad knee. The match ends when Christian lands on his bad knee too hard and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale.
WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: THE MIZ
“I’m the Intercontinental Champion, and I’m awesome.” – The Miz
We get another spot with Sheen who rags on Daniel Bryan and plugs his new show, before a commercial break.
We come back with Regis Philbin congratulating WWE on 1000 episodes and giving us a look at all the wrestlers he’s had on his shows over the years, from the Destroyer all the way to Cena.
Triple H hits the ring. We take a look back at when Lesnar broke Hunter’s arm. Hunter says it’s time to turn up the intensity and calls out Brock Lesnar. Instead, we get Paul Heyman.
“I came out to talk to the horses’ head, not the horses’ ass.” – Triple H
Heyman is out to officially, on Lesnar’s behalf, refuse the match. Hunter calls Brock a little bully and a coward. Heyman calls him childish, and asks if that what he teaches his children. This gets Hunter riled up. Heyman apologizes and adds he actually feels sorry for his children. He quotes the old saying about the sins of the father when Stephanie’s music hits. She lays into Heyman about not talking about her children and how his “lawsuits” against WWE are really just masking all his failures.
“You call yourself a visionary? When it comes to my father Vince McMahon, you’re just looking in the rear view mirror.” – Stephanie McMahon
She adds that at least her children will be proud of her father and her grandfather and Paul’s children are ashamed of him for being a professional parasite. She adds a huge slap. Heyman, in a rage, agrees to the match. He brings up the children again and Steph goes after him. This brings out Lesnar. There’s a brief brawl and Lesnar and Heyman are sent packing.
Now is it just me, or doesn’t Stephie’s line about HEYMAN LOOKING IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR imply HE’S THE ONE PASSING VINCE?
After a commercial break, Santino and Hornswoggle come out to pass around WWE “BRAWLIN’ BUDDIES,” stuffed dolls of WWE superstars that talk. We go to the ring where HOWARD FINKLE is making introductions.
Heath Slater is in the ring and issues an open challenge. Any “legend” in the back can face him, no dq, no count-outs. Who wants some?
LEGENDS CHALLENGE: HEATH SLATER VS LITA
That’s right folks. Lita, one of the most popular Divas of all time, is out here to face Slater. He agrees enthusiastically. The bell rings, but before we get going, Lita wants us to know she brought protection.
THE APA: JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD AND RON SIMMONS!
The Acolyte Protection Agency hits the ring and Slater tries to bail out. However, he’s met by Road Warrior Animal and every WWE legend that’s kicked his ass this month. They put him back in the ring where Lita hits a twist of fate. Bradshaw tosses in a clothesline from hell and Lita gets the win with the Lita-Sault.
Everyone gets in the ring to celebrate and laugh at Slater.
“Damn!” – Ron Simmons
Michael Cole asks for our attention so we can meet WWE’s 1,000,000th follower on twitter, Alex Guerro JR. He’s having a better time that Daniel Bryan is, and Cole congratulates him on having his dream of being interviewed by Michael Cole come true.
After that, King tosses us to a special guest who gives us a look back on all the great catch-phrases Raw has produced over the years.
Yes, from the Muppets
We get a Catch-Phrase retrospective
With Fozzie Bear
From the Muppets
Backstage, Zack Ryder tries to convince John Cena that Mean Gene Oakerlund was the brains behind the mysterious GTV segments from the Attitude era. Meano Gene-o denies it. Rock steps in to wish Cena good luck, Cena promises to win the title tonight and face Rock at the Royal Rumble.
I gotta wrap this up. We get a look at WWE lecturing kids about this “Be a Star” crap, then Kane comes out for a match. Jinder Mahal marches out with a whole mid-card militia to beat him up. The lights go out, the bell tolls for thee, and THE UNDERTAKER comes out dressed like Skeletor. He and Kane kill everybody.
Charlie Sheen gets some more attention to respond to some nasty remarks Daniel Bryan made at his expense, implying there’s going to be a showdown at Summer Slam. (Dear god, spare me.)
WWE TITLE MATCH: C.M. PUNK VS JOHN CENA
This is Cena officially cashing in the briefcase. The first few minutes actually have Punk out wrestling Cena and in control of the match. Punk counters everything Cena throws at him. Punk gets cocky however, and Cena lets loose a flurry of hard offense that takes out the referee. Cena hits the AA but the ref can’t count the pin. Big Show comes out and attacks Cena, hitting the WMD and leaving him lying.
Punk looks conflicted. He sells indecisiveness about what to do. Finally, he gets the ref in the ring and goes for a pin, but Cena’s out at two. Cena gets Punk in the STF and the Big Show makes run no. 2, getting Punk DQ’d.
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: JOHN CENA
PUNK STILL CHAMPION
Show brutalizes Cena while Punk turns his back and slinks away. The ROCK actually comes out to make the save and takes Big Show down, and just when it looks like we’re about to see, the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, PUNK TAKES ROCK OUT with a clothesline, and a GTS.
RAW ends with Punk walking away still champion, The Rock laid out, and Cena the first man to cash in the MiTB contract and not win the title.
Tags: Army Jeep, Ass Billy Gunn, Bad Ass Billy Gunn, Chris Jericho, Degeneration X, Del Rio, Dx Army, Football Huddle, Head Of Hair, Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, Jessie James, Man Tag, Rey Mysterio, Road Dogg, Sandow, Sweet Chin Music, Vincent Kennedy Mcmahon, Wcw Nitro, X Pac, Ziggler