We open with breaking news. Pyro set off during a rehearsal set the arena on fire, delaying the doors opening half an hour. No one hurt, thank God.
We recap RAW 1000 for ten minutes.
C.M. Punk is out first. Punk has taken acceptation to Jerry Lawler’s hyperbolic statement about “turning his back on the WWE universe. He sets himself Indian style on the announce desk and refers to the rock as “just one delusional man” who “wants it all to be about him.”
“This is the WWE and I am its champion.”- C.M. Punk
The Big Show comes out, and points out how the show was really all about him last week. He makes a point of Punk being unable to put Cena away in their match.
“I knocked out Cena and you STILL couldn’t beat him!”- Big Show
Cena runs out and throws fists, Big Show amscrays.
New GM AJ Lee is out to announce tonight’s main event, The Big Show vs. John Cena w/the winner getting Punk @ Summerslam.
Backstage: Daniel Bryan paces outside AJ’s door. Will he confront her?
US CHAMPION SANTINO MORELLA VS ALBERTO DEL RIO
The US champ gets in minimal offense as almost the whole match is Del Rio working the arm. Santino goes for the COBRA! But Del Rio sends him shoulder first into the post and gets a submission with the arm-lock.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Del Rio stands over Santino and declares that all of us are beneath him. He announces he will not wrestle again until his title match at Summerslam.
Backstage: Okay I guess Bryan WILL confront AJ.
Promo for Cena vs. Big Show
Brodus Clay and the Funk-a-dactyls are out. Vicki comes out laughing at them.
“Let the Queen Diva show you, and all of you, how to put a step on.” – Vicki Guerro.
Vicki then puts on a quick dance show until she’s interrupted by our martyr, Damien Sandow.
“Last week, a horrible crime was perpetrated against all of humanity.”- Damien Sandow
Sandow makes us all look at the video of Degeneration-X beating him down, then proceeds to brutalize Clay.
We go to a recap of two weeks ago, when Dolph Ziggler accused Jericho of losing his touch, and ate a code-breaker, followed up by Jericho sending Ziggler into a Brogue Kick by Sheamus and another code-breaker by Jericho on Smackdown. That’s the set up for the big tag team match tonight, Dolph Ziggler and the Miz vs. Christian and Jericho.
Bryan charges into AJs office. He starts in on her, but AJ shuts him down fast. She mentions seeing Daniel talking to the men in white coats last week and accuses him of trying to marry her just to get her committed. Daniel denies it, claiming those were his friends dressed in white to match his tux. AJ responds by booking Daniel against Sheamus tonight. Daniel asks if it’s a title match.
“No, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO!” etc… – AJ Lee
We recap last week’s confrontation with Heyman, Hunter, and Stephanie McMahon. We will come back to this FIVE MORE TIMES TONIGHT.
Vote on Twitter! What kind of match should Daniel Bryan and Sheamus have tonight?
We come back to a recap of the fire. Doors didn’t open for thirty minutes.
Daniel Bryan comes out and demands we all stop chanting “YES!” We don’t, he goes into a tirade of NO! NO! NO!
Sheamus is out next. As he comes to the ring, we recap four weeks ago when Del Rio slammed his head into the hood of Del Rio’s car.
Lawler announces the twitter poll results, Streetfight by a landslide.
WORLD CHAMPION SHEAMUS VS DANIEL BRYAN
Brutal back and forth that spills out and up the stage. Bryan’s head gets bounced off a set-piece and Sheamus gets drop-kicked off the stage. Sheamus may have a hurt leg/ankle.
We come back with Bryan in charge but Sheamus fights back. More back/forth on the outside, until Sheamus brings weapons into it. Bryan pushes them out of the ring but eventually he uses a kendo stick on Sheamus. Sheamus gets the stick but Bryan drop-kicks him into a chair set up in the corner. More back and forth, until Bryan gets Sheamus down; and brings the steel steps into the ring. Sheamus hook Bryan into the “white noise,” but Bryan slips out. Brogue kick by Sheamus and Bryan goes down for three.
We get a recap of Punk cutting a promo on the Rock, a promo for Cena vs. Big Show and we go to…
We come back to Bryan holding his neck and refusing to leave the ring until he gets a doctor to look at him. Kofi and R-Truth come out (w/little Jimmy) and tell him to leave. Bryan responds by PUNT-KICKING LITTLE JIMMY OUT OF THE RING (WHICH THE CAMERA MAN ACTUALLY SELLS BY “FOLLOWING” LITTLE JIMMY!) Bryan goes off on R-truth until those nice young men in their clean white coats come out. Bryan tells them to take away R-truth, but AJ comes out to inform Bryan they’re taking him backstage for an evaluation.
R-truth escorts Jimmy to a chair at ringside as we go to a montage of touts regarding Punk’s statements from earlier. Now they want us to tout our thoughts as to who is more unstable, AJ or Bryan.
KOFI KINGSTON VS TITUS O’NEAL
AW brings out the Prime Time Players as Cole plugs a WWE.com exclusive video of the PTP harassing Rosa at a photo-shoot.
Titus starts out strong as AW compares him to Kobe Bryant in a Colorado hotel. Kingston takes over and hits the boom-drop while R-Truth takes Darien Young off the ring hard. AW throws his shoe at Kofi, and runs off. Kofi is distracted and O’Neal hits the Lo-down for three.
WINNER: TITUS O’NEAL
Backstage: Punk isn’t wishing Cena luck in his match tonight because he doesn’t care who wins, but he advises Punk to get over the fact that he did to the Rock in one night what Cena couldn’t do in an entire year.
Cole apologizes for AW’s Kobe remark and we recap what we just saw w/Cena & Punk.
Heath Slater is in the ring and we recap Slater taking a clothesline from hell and losing to Lita last week. (Notice a theme here?) Slater challenges any current WWE superstar to come out and lose to him.
HEATH SLATER VS RANDY ORTON
Orton makes his big return. Slater actually starts off strong for a minute, but it quickly goes all Randy and ends w/an RKO.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage: Daniel Bryan is getting evaluated by a doctor in a small room. The doctor asks one question too many and D-Bry goes to critical mass w/the “YES!” chant.
JERICHO/CHRISTIAN V DOLPH ZIGGLER/INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ
Back and forth action with neither team dominating, no one has the advantage for too long. Christian takes Miz/Ziggler down with a body press off the top rope and the heels are left lying.
We come back with Miz in control of Jericho. After trading spots, both men make a hot tag and Christian takes over on Ziggler. This is short lived and the heels are soon in control again. Christian makes a hot tag to Jericho, and this becomes all about Jericho/Miz. Miz tries for the SCF, Jericho backs him into the corner, Christian thumbs Miz in the eye (payback for Smackdown) and Jericho gets the three with the code breaker. Ziggler gets the last word however, with a suitcase to the back of Jericho.
WINNERS: CHRISTIAN AND JERICHO
Ziggler leaves everyone lying in the ring, and smirks his way up the ramp.
Side Note: Weird moment in the match where Ziggler tried a Fame-Asser and just went right over Jericho w/o contact. Fake out or botch?
We get another recap of the fire and go backstage to Daniel Bryan taking an ink-blot test. The three pics together make a goat-face and Bryan goes nuts, thinking Charlie Sheen is behind this.
As to who’s more unstable, the “tout” a-teers give it to AJ.
TENSAI VS TYSON KIDD
Kidd actually looked strong here, but in the end went down for the three. HOWEVER, Tensai continued to brutalize Kidd to the point that the ref had to reverse the decision.
WINNER BY DQ: TYSON KIDD
Tensai attacked Sakamoto after the match.
Backstage: Punk has passed his exam. The doc leaves, the light goes red, and KANE introduces himself as Bryan’s new “anger management” counselor, before tossing him, by the neck, into the wall.
C.M. Punk comes to ringside and joins the announce team.
We come back with Punk “lending his expertise” to keep the announcing unbiased.
#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: JOHN CENA VS BIG SHOW
This is our main event, ladies and gentlemen.
Big Show in charge with punches, head-butting, and body shots. He gives Cena the big slap in the corner twice, but Cena ducks a third and gets up on show for a chin-lock. Show fights out but Cena slaps it on again. Cena chokes Show down for two.
We come back with Show in control. We have a theme of Show slowly overpowering Cena and egging on the crowd, and Cena getting in brief flurries of offense before getting shut down. The climax is on the outside where Show side-steps Cena, and hurls him over the announcer table into Punk. The match ends with Cena attempting an AA and Punk striking from behind. The bell rings and Punk adds a kick to the Show’s head for good measure. Punk declares both men losers and walks off.
DOUBLE DQ: NO CONTEST
AJ comes out and declares both men winners, making the match at Summerslam a three way for the title, Punk vs. Big Show vs. John Cena.
RAW ends with C.M. Punk arguing w/a smirking AJ.
Tags: Dactyls, Dance Show, Daniel Bryan, Degeneration X, Del Rio, Delusional Man, Fists, Half An Hour, Horrible Crime, Indian Style, Jerry Lawler, John Cena, Main Event, Martyr, Morella, Paces, Queen Diva, Quick Dance, Rehearsal, wwe