Clearly, with the Jerry Lawler incident on RAW, this will be a somber episode. The WWE still has a PPV this Sunday to promote as well. I guess we should just hop to it, shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– We start off with clips from the Sheamus, Otunga, and Ricardo legal meeting from Monday. Then we’re off to the ring where Alberto Del Rio stands with Otunga and Ricardo, both now wearing neckbraces. Fortunately, Otunga still has his coffee mug! He rolls down the list of injuries sustained by Sheamus. Then they cut to Sheamus’ attack on Christian a while back. He appears on the tron for an interview. He says he’s been off for shoulder surgery (and certainly not to be cold, so that when he appears on TNA a little later next month no one cares). Christian tells all of three to fuck a cow, and he is doing this because of the severity of the Brogue Kick, not for the heels.
– Then Daniel Bryan interrupts for some reason (I can think of 18 reasons). He’s trying to manage his anger as the Ottawa crowd pops with the YES! chant for him. And you got it, he indeed is pissed about what happened at Mania, as well as before and after. The heels console the goat face. And Bryan wants a rematch now with the Brogue kick banned. The crowd chants goat face…
– Out comes Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt to address Bryan’s demand for a WrestleMania rematch. He cuts a bland and boring promo, then as Otunga comes to the ring ropes calmly address him, Sheamus rips off his neck brace and snaps the top rope into his injured neck. Your face champion, folks. Great start to the show, until that Sheamus bastard showed up.
What a horrible team mate.
– An ad airs on the Score reminding us that this week’s Smackdown is coming to Ottawa… even though that was three days ago. Great. Thanks Scott Stamford! Then a get well Jerry Lawler ad plays (since this WAS taped on Tuesday…. he IS doing much better folks!).
– *WWE Intercontinental champion The Miz vs. Sin Cara (non title). God I hate these non-title matches. So by default, I’m not into this one. They get the two-segment treatment, though. And it’s not a “bad” match, per say. Both men end up looking strong with a diverse array of moves and styles presented. It ends with Sin Cara sliding Miz into a roll-up for a sneaky win. Miz just looks irate too. He should, because as far as I’m concerned, Sin Cara should be your new I.C. champion.
– Backstage Rhodes and Miz have an exchange of words with Mysterio about the I.C. title. Sin Cara enters the frame and points at the title. It’s flow chart time, as Teddy Long enters. On behalf of Booker T, all four will be in a Fatal Fourway match for the I.C. title at Night of Champions.
Charles Barkley @G: “I’m not working today.”
G @Charles Barkley: “So basically, the same as any other day?”
– RAW videos and shit. And backstage again as Bryan and Kane meet with the anger management guy, playing with their stress balls. The doctor tells them to relax and squeeze their balls and to wash their stress away. Kane notes, his is bigger than Bryan’s and walks away. It’s the terrible kind of funny consistent with these bits. I heard they cut some of these on Monday, and wouldn’t be shock(mastered) to find out these originally were set to air then.
That reminds me, I need a new toque for winter.
– *WWE Tag Team champion Kofi Kingston vs. Kane. As a precursor to the tagteam match at the PPV, we get this. It’s not much of a match. Kane more or less just tosses around Kofi and then pins him. Meh. Post match, Kane goes to chokeslam Kofi as Dr. Katz/receding-hairline guy watches from the ramp with concern. Kane hugs it out with a shocked looking Kofi! HA HAHAHAHHA! That was funny.
– Ok, back to join Matt Striker interviewing Randy Orton. Great. I wish Orton was Bender if he has to be a robot. But sadly no. He says some shit, but I’m too busy FFW’ing. Now I’m taking a break from this show…
(TIME PASSES!!) (MORE TIME PASSES!!!!)
– And we’re back…
– *Randy Orton vs. Tensai. Fuck, are they TRYING to make me stop watching. This looks like garbage. AND IT IS! This is a brawler style match, that lumbers and whatnot. Basic story for our first segment is Tensai using his size to no-sell Orton’s offense and pummel him into corners and whatnot. For the love of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, FFW this crap. And yes, they decided to torment us with a second segment. Fuck sakes…
“‘Supp, Mang?” “Meow” “Word, cat!”
– We return, and guess what? Tensai is pummeling Orton in the corner. Wow. He also pummeled him outside the ring… into the corner steel ring post. This match is like ninety degrees of suck. Then Tensai slaps on the Vulcan deathgrip for a fabulously exciting restspot. FFW!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! Normally I suffer through this for you, but fuck that. I skip five minutes. Orton punches the mat, Tensai tries his fall down finisher, BUT NO! RKO! Euthanized!
– EXCUSE ME! Vickie is out to shriek about Dolph. Ottawa boos her like Dany Heatly when the San Jose Sharks returned to the Senator’s arena after demanding a trade. Orton replies in binary, calling out Vickie’s plot to distract Orton while Ziggler attacks from behind. But using his Skynet radar detection skills, Orton spins around and Ziggler flees to rejoin the rebel human forces in their battle to destroy their computer masters. True story.
Sure… the hippo gets to do this, and when I try, I’m the one who gets eaten.
– Cesaro and Eurotrash Whore talk in multiple languages. Wow. That never gets old… wait, what’s this? A new challenger appears?
LINE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT:
“Hey Cesaro, you can come out here and run your mouth in as many languages as you want. But let me put it to you in Canadian, shall I? You see, after this Sunday… you will be a former United States Champion, EH?” Tyson Kidd (just before Aksana offers him a handjob, and Cesaro knocks him the fuck out).
– BTW, Canada #1. Iran #1. Fuck the Hogan.
– Cesaro calls for more, what, does he think he’s Ryback now? Somebody calls his momma, because Brodus answers the challenge next. Sadly, the Swiss often forget Calgarians are sneaky motherfuckers, so as Cesaro attempts to attack Brodus, Tyson Kidd kicks his neutral skull with a sick looking J.T. endorsed flippy kick, and then Brodus takes out the U.S. Champion to set up the Battle Royal at the PPV. Tyson get’s his Dinosaur on as the two faces dance to end the segment. I think Aksana imploded, who knows? Who cares? No fucks were given about her after her filthy handjob attempt on Tyson, anyways. Fluffer.
Sure… the elephant gets to do this, and when I try, I’m the one who gets arrested for stunting.
– Wade Barrett hits the microphone and notes that no one understood that he was open for business, and next week business will be booming. Ok. Nice beard, guy.
– *Kaitlyn vs
my attention span Oh wait… it’s Beth Phoenix. Fuck the women’s division, BETH KILL IT WITH FIRE! GIVE HER SOME STIFF UPPER LIP LIKE AC/DC! She does, but the Kaitlynn also is given some time. Ok, I shouldn’t hate. It could be the Bellas in this had they not thankfully left (note to Kelly Kelly Kelly: never come back. The IWC hates you. Some of them want to fuck you, but all of us want you the fuck off our TV’s). Kaitlynneylynlyn gets her win, sadly. But she doesn’t suck as bad as the aforementioned. I was too busy typing this crap to care what was going on. So let’s say she won with a pulse mine, sniper-rifle combo finisher.
Soccer players really do make for some of the best gifs…
– B A Star, you pukes! That crap airs… yawn… John Cena chokes out a kid or something. Does anyone actually watch these bullshit PSA’s? Seriously?
– More updates for Jerry Lawler. All positive sentiments from this G.
– RAW Rebound: We watch some Cena/Punk stuff, now with 100% more Bret Hart!
– Eve kisses Booker’s ass backstage, as does Teddy Long. They support his decision to banhammer the the Brogue Kick. Then Teddy goes to fist his brethren former GM, but it gets awkward. Is Eve fucking Booker now? Sharmelle should be concerned, as should Gracie who just got engaged to Eve.
There better be a sextape. No, on second thought, tell me I didn’t just write that! SUCKAH!
Sounds about right.
(MORE TIME OUTS ENSUE!!!) I need to check out a project I’ve been working on for over a year with some dudes from Wales and an alternate version (evil) of Patman of wonderpod. Make sure you hit up Wonderpodonline.com for the start of a 13 part series that blurs the lines of kayfabe and retardedness in relation to the topic of video games. It all begins on episode 127 and will run right through until the end of the year. If you don’t, I hate you and I hope you get future endeavored straight to hell. Do not pass go, do collect $200. /Shamelessplug
– *WWE World champion Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan. If nothing else, Bryan has this “Don’t get me mad, I’m trying to control it” down to a pat. They replay the AJ kiss distraction at WM from last April. The match that soured the whole card. Don’t remind me I paid for that shit, WWE. The two square off.
– ADR, Rodriguez and Otunga watch backstage. They are standing, because everyone who settles in to observe television programming stands by nature. Meanwhile, this match lasts longer than 18 seconds, but still has Sheamus as the dominant heel (I said it, he’s a fucking heel).
– Bryan gets his wind, and we get a match on the outside! Bryan isolates big red in the corner, to crowd “No!” and kicks Sheamus in the face and takes control of the match. Bryan continues to work the left arm of the heel, and we get a reason to watch. Bryan goes to the well too many times, missing his corner jump kick, allowing Sheamus to fall on Bryan from the top rope. I think Cole called it a “Battering Ram.” And from therein the two trade their spots…
– Daniel Bryan finally wears down Sheamus, but has to keep his anger in check with some NO! chants. Bryan enters into a variety of holds and variations, carrying the palest mother fucker on television ever. Sheamus keeps going to backbreaker moves into the Texas Cloverleaf. Did you know? Sheamus is a proud user of propane? No? Well, his second attempt at the submission gives him the win anyways. Sheamus makes me not want to pay for the pay per view.
All he needs to do is place some broken glass on the ground around him, and he’s gold.
– @GoftheInternet says – I’m going to give the WWE a pass on this show, when it comes to a verdict. And to be fair, I’m in a bad mood considering I almost watched Lawler die on Monday (feel like a vulture – thanks Bruce McGee of our sister site wonderpodonline.com for that sentiment), my night job is fucked up, and the NHL is getting locked-the-fuck-out… So those are MY problems, not yours. However… They filmed this when the King’s status was still in question. Not an easy thing to do. Was is worth watching? Fuck no. Were there segments worth a look? Yes. Did it make me want to spend money on the PPV for matches between guys I’ve seen many times before? I think the words “fuck no” doesn’t even express my disdain for that idea. Can’t wait for the Royal Rumble. Get better King! Stop sucking, WWE. That is all.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 2012, Airs, AJ Lee, Bastard, Booker T, Brodus Clay, Charles Barkley, CM Punk, Coffee Mug, Crowd Chants, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Del Rio, Friday September 4, Goat, Jerry Lawler, John Cena, Kane, Neck Brace, Night of Champions, Play By Play, Ppv, Ring Ropes, Ryback, Shoulder Surgery, SmackDown, Strawberry Yogurt, Team Mate, Top Rope, Tron, Wrestlemania, wwe