John Cena opens the show with a weird promo about Kane/Bryan’s anger management issues, U.S. Champion Cesar Antonio having huge nipples, and wanting to take AJ out on a date to “In & Out” burger. He comments on how loud the crowd is, but they have no voice; because the voice of the voiceless has become the “voice of the selfish,” referring to WWE Champion C.M. Punk refusing to face him at “Hell in a Cell.”
“If you are the best in the world, what does it matter if no-one watches?” – John Cena
Cena says Punk’s not a man, and tells him don’t be a punk. Face him at “HIC” and cement his legacy.
As Cena leaves, RYBACK enters. They trade a glance passing each other up the aisle.
RYBACK DEF PRIMO/EPICO W/ROSA – This match actually makes Mo/Co look better in defeat than Ryback does in victory. The former champions take over early and dominate with quick double teaming, yet this ends just the way you figured, with Ryback squashing both men w/a combo of clotheslines and the Meat-hook.
John Bradshaw Layfield is on commentary tonight w/Jim Ross and Michael Cole. During the match, he mentions how Primo/Epico were Puerto Rican tag team champions, and that their uncle Carlos Colon still owes him and a lot of other people money.
Brodus Clay and the Funkadactyls dance their way to the ring. R-Truth chases “Little Jimmy” into the ring. He apologizes to Brodus, but since “Jimmy” is going through some “changes,” he asks if they can dance instead of fight. Brodus agrees and we have a dance party; until Vince McMahon himself pops up on the tron to tell them to wrap it up and dance out of the ring, so he can deliver a “state of the WWE address” after the break.
We come back from break and Vince is in the ring, addressing the state of WWE.
“We just saw two grown men, out here with two lovely ladies, the Funkadactyls – you have to be careful how you say that – dancing with an imaginary child, that’s the state of the WWE.” – Vince McMahon
Vince remarks how that there’s room for that in the WWE as well as Leprechauns, Goat-faced vegans, big red monsters, giants etc. When he mentions the best facing the best, WWE champ C.M. Punk interrupts with Paul Heyman in tow. Vince calls his t-shirt ugly and says he feels disrespected. Punk goes off on the subject of disrespect, in regards to him. He asks if Vince respects him. Vince says he respects Punks reign as champion, but he’s not a “C.M. Punk guy.”
Punk responds by calling himself the best thing Vince has got right now, and he should be appreciated. He threatens to jump the rail and let Vince kiss his ass goodbye. He asks Vince who makes the WWE a success, Vince answers, and it’s the WWE universe. He listens to them every day, and he bets they’re all thinking someone needs to shut his mouth. Vince says he has no right to compare himself to past stars like Shawn Michaels, Brett Hart, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Punk cuts a promo on Austin, saying he got to the top with short-cuts and ducking people. Punk follows it up with a slap to Vince’s face. Vince gets back up and demands that Punk fights him tonight!
Back from break, Arnold Schwarzenegger is our social media ambassador tonight.
REY MYSTERIO/SIN CARA DEF TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG – This was a general but entertaining tag match, if formulaic. Rey gets the win with a 619 and droppin’ the dime. This puts “Sinsterio” in the finals of the tournament to name #1 contenders to the WWE tag team title.
Backstage: Paul Heyman tries to talk Punk out of the match w/Vince McMahon, telling him even if he wins, they’ll both have a crazy billionaire dedicated, to making their lives miserable, after them. Punk says they have nothing to worry about.
Back from break, we get a double recap of Cena challenging Punk at Hell in the Cell, Punk slapping down Vince, and Vince making a main-event with him facing Punk.
SHEAMUS DEF WADE BARRETT (DQ) – Before the match, we get a recap of Sheamus getting Big Show DQ’d in his match against Tensai on last weeks’ Smackdown. Just as the match starts, Big Show comes out to sit at ringside. The match itself was just a good old fashioned brawl, with the momentum going back and forth until Tensai runs in to get payback and the DQ for Sheamus. Sheamus fights off his attackers but Big Show catches his foot, and dumps him over the ropes and out the ring. Show walks off smiling.
After the match, JR heads to the back to try and talk Vince out of the match. Vince makes JR call the match right there in front of him.
Back from break, Punk meets with GM AJ Lee, suggesting that the WWE BOD (board of directors) might not be happy with her letting her boss get beaten up. AJ calls Punk a coward, and Punk agrees to the match, saying whatever happens is on her “pretty little head.”
We get a look at Cena pushing the Susan G. Komen breast-cancer awareness campaign on “Kelly and Michael.” (Daytime TV. show)
Back from break, we get a recap of Antonio Cesaro taking out Brodus Clay with the “Neutralizer” on last weeks’ show. As Cesaro makes his way to the ring, we get a clip of Cesaro insulting Americans taste in cuisine, saying it’s only fit for swine.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO DEF TYSONN KIDD – Kidd actually gets in some nifty offense, but Cesaro finishes it convincingly with the “Neutralizer.”
We come back from break to Vicki Guerro introducing us to Mr. Money in the Bank, Dolph Ziggler. Michael Cole recaps Ziggler’s “Twitter feud” with Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, who drives out in an $110,000 Mazarati. WWE tag champions Daniel Bryan and Kane make their respective entrances, and we’re underway.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS HELL NO (BRYAN/KANE) DEF ALBERTO DEL RIO AND DOLPH ZIGGLER – Face-paced, if by-the-numbers tag with plenty of highspots. Kane brings it home by tagging himself in and getting the choke-slam on Ziggler for the three-count.
Side Notes: Kane celebrates 15 years with WWE this month, and JBL calls Mil Mascaras (Del Rio’s grandfather,) the “most selfish man in the business.”
Recap: Punk slaps Vince
Backstage: JR tries to talk Vince out of the match, mentioning what happened to “The King.” Vince makes JR call the match in the old JR style right then and there, following that with a Rock reference.
“It doesn’t matter what you think!” – Vince McMahon
Back from break, Cole congratulates JBL on his successful climb of Mount Kilimanjaro to raise money for at-risk kids.
AND now we get a “Larry King NOW” segment. Broadcast legend Larry King comes out with wife # seven/eight/thirteen, whatever, and introduces Intercontinental Champion the Miz as his guest. Miz acts like a jerk, Larry brings out Kofi Kingston, Miz is a bigger jerk, Larry’s wife throws water in his face, Miz takes off his jacket, Kofi jumps Miz, and as they fight to the back, Larry and wife no. seven of eleven wave and smile to the people, feeling NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER to sell the brawl like it’s anything important.
“I’ve had more championships than you’ve had wives.” – The Miz
RHODES SCHOLARS VS SANTINO MORELLA/ZACK RYDER – Quick, simple tag team match w/Cody Rhodes and Damian Sandow advancing into the finals, after Cody hits the beautiful disaster while Santino tries to put on the sock puppet.
After the match, Santino take a beat-down from Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, and Jinder Mahal. I don’t know why.
Backstage: Paul Heyman tries to talk Vince out of the match w/C.M. Punk. Vince asks Heyman if he knows when he is/isn’t lying.
“Don’t make CM Punk do to you, what Brock Lesnar did to Triple H.” – Heyman
WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP; EVE VS KAITLIN – Layla joins the commentary team while Eve makes Kaitlyn look good. Kaitlyn hits a back-breaker on Eve, aggravating the “injured” ankle. Eve wins with an ankle-lock submission, but refuses to let go. Layla runs in to break it up. Eve makes like she’s concerned for Kaitlyn. During the whole match, JBL kept riding Layla on her “conspiracy theory,” about how Eve got the title shot. It was like he was trying to get something out of her, but I’ll never know what.
Backstage: Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo are deciding where to go to eat. Josh Mathews comes in and tries to tell them about Randy Orton’s tweet. Del Rio tries to blow him off, but Josh reads the tweet. Orton is really looking forward to Smackdown. Del Rio gets concerned and bolts.
Twitter, the new weapon of intimidation; as confirmed by teen-age girls everywhere.
After a promo for the Susan G. Komen breast cancer awareness campaign, we get a bit where Daniel Bryan asks Larry for advice about dealing with the “goat face” comments. Kane steps in and they start with the arguing. Bryan yells at Kane for scaring off Larry. Kane thought it was Skeletor.
VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON VS WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK (NO CONTEST) – Punk jumps Vince from behind before the match even starts, and proceeds to toss him all over the arena floor. Funniest spot is Punk putting on a headset to mock Vince.
“WHAT A MANUVER!” – Punk to Vince
And then it goes to crap.
Vince not only turns the tide, but proceeds to BRUTALIZE Punk. He HURLS Punk across the announce table, and pounces on him. At one point, Vince grabs a Kendo stick, and Punk tries to RUN AWAY. He calls for Heyman to grab his belt, but Vince takes Heyman down and grabs it.
Punk comes back, and finds a Kendo stick of his own. We get a brief duel THAT VINCE WINS! Punk takes over with a low-blow and batters Vince with two kendo sticks. Punk goes for the GTS, but Ryback runs to the rescue. Punk tries to bail, but John Cena comes out to toss him back in. After taking a few bumps, Punk bails. Vince demands Punk choose to face Ryback or Cena at HITC by next week, or Vince will choose for him.
SERIOUSLY!? You really want to take this huge step back? After a solid first hour with decent matches, you wanna JOB OUT YOUR CHAMPION TO A 67 YEAR OLD MAN? YOU EXPECT TO SELL A PPV WITH THIS SH!T?
Was this some kind of jab at Lawler? Or a punishment because you blame Punk for what happened to him? Because I have NO idea what the logic here is.
Tags: Anger Management, Carlos Colon, Chases, Clotheslines, Dance Party, Epico, Grown Men, Hell In A Cell, Hic, Huge Nipples, Jim Ross, John Bradshaw Layfield, John Cena, Lovely Ladies, Management Issues, Meat Hook, Puerto Rican, Tag Team Champions, Vince Mcmah, Vince McMahon, Wwe Vince