Smackdown on Tuesday? Hmm… WWE are you sure you want to do this? You want to go up against the US Presidential Election? You want to go up against the drop day release of Halo 4, one of the most anticipated video games of 2012? Will I even finish this review on Tuesday? All questions that even I don’t know the answer to. I’m not that inclined to review this after a 3 hour RAW, a show I might have not even finished watching at this point, let alone had enough time to mentally recover from to watch yet another 2 hours of professional wrestling. Let’s get this over with and hop to it, shall we?
Nah, that totally happened. It’s well documented.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- Unbelievably, this show begins almost identically to RAW did… less than 22 hours prior. Voice-over guy tells us about stuff we just saw, in some cases earlier today.
I have no clue what is going on here. I suppose if Canucks fans had done this in 2011 instead of rioting… well… no. It’s still fucked up.
- Micheal Cole introduces Shameless, who is out to talk about arses, fellas, and red food coloring. A fake brawl had occurred in Birmingham at a pub after William Regal was doing shots with Sheamus, and then Big Show altered the time continuum and attacked Sheamus. This appears to be assault with intent to do harm, and should be taken care of by the local authorities. During the brawl, Christopher Daniels with an Appletini is caught on the smart-phone video entering an elevator with Big Bad Mama of G.L.O.W.!!! Fuck! Everyone is stealing that story line! Regal, regales Shameless, is out of action and wants to do battle with the behemoth right now. Yep, there’s the arse reference. Show shakes his head on the Trinatron, tossing ginger references, and threatens to take him out permanently at Survivor Series.
- Local business hero, Wade Barrett enters to a huge pop. He’s here to discuss expanding his products into Ireland, but Sheamus thinks importing Barrage Energy Bars is a bad idea and wants to fight. Barrett leaves, dejected that his attempt to expand was thwarted.
- So Wade speaks with Booked Tee Time, GM of the show, and he’s channeled The Ghost of Teddy Long to set up a match with Big Show and Wade versus Sheamus and William Regal tonight, playah.
@Charles Barkley @G: “See, look at me voting! I’m going to make a difference G! You casted your ballot, right?”
@G @Charles Barkley: “Umm…. yeah. Canada is one the swing states.”
- * The Miz vs Coffee Kingston (I.C. Title Match). Good god, how many rematches does Miz get? Probably infinite seeing as there are only like 6 guys on Smackdown these days. Kofi is flying around the ring like he just unlocked the jetpack armor ability in Halo 4 before watching the show. Oh wait, that was me. I plan on going into Boba Fett mode on some squeaker kids later tonight. But this match is worth watching, so I’ll stick through it as we go to commercials.
That’s how they get’cha!
- The Miz has grounded the high flier by tossing Coffee onto the steel ring steps outside. ThinkSoJoE runs out and places a plastic warning tripod sign stating, “Slippery When Wet,” and for no reason Richie Sambora puts on a cowboy hat in the crowd and yells “COWBOY, BABY!” Kid Rock disagrees, attacks him for intellectual property theft! Suddenly Emilio Estevez shows up and shoots them both as Lou Diamond Phillips cuts their throats to be sure. Estevez then goes on to show 3MB’s how to execute the Flying-V formation. Lou Diamond Phillips is never heard from again.
- Ok, that didn’t happen, but we do get a pretty sweet match here. Miz continues to work Kofi’s injured knee with attacks and submission attempts. Kofi musters it out, and tries to make it up to the top for an attack! NO! Kofi out plays The Miz, lands a sick looking frog splash and retains. The announcers remind us this is the fourth consecutive win against the Miz. Post match, Miz goes to shake Kofi’s hand, but the champ is a total prick and gives him a “blatant cheap shot” as noted by JBL. Damn right.
Vote or die? Huh.
- Christian, The Mediocre Khali, Justin Gabriel, Drew McIntyre, Wade Barrett, Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Antonio Cesaro, Santino Marella, Aksana, Tyson Kidd, and Yoshi Tatsu are all interviewed about the importance of voting in tonight’s presidential election. They discuss their patriotism and love of the US, and how proud they are to have been born here.
9/10! That looks like fun!
- * Cara/Mysterio vs The Prime Time Players, Playah. Once again, a never-seen-before match up! Oh my, aren’t the people of Birmingham a lucky bunch. J.T. is seen holding up a sign with the letter “Y” on it. He looks to left a yells something. Three more people beside him sheepishly hold up their signs: “A,” “M,” and “N.” J.T. smacks the “M” guy in the back of the head and he flips his sign up the other way. Meanwhile, this match ends with the PTP’s picking up the win with a “I don’t give a fuck.” Love that finishing maneuver.
- Post match, Darren and Titus are interviewed by Matthew Stricken. Titus grabs the mic and brushes Matthew like a blackboard. Titus interviews Darren about millions of dollars repeatedly. Man if I had a nickle for everytime they said that, I’d have enough to match the WWE Universe’s donation to the Susan Korman foundation. The PTP’s cajole Striker into saying it, doing the dance, etc.
Wow, that was entertaining.
- Replay of the cackling Vickie and Dolphining Dolph tormenting AJ and Cena from last night. I kill myself, respawn, and kill myself again. Booker T consults the Spectral Teddy Long about this shit and whether Vickie could Booker T matches as well as Booked Tee Time. They chuckle and stuff. Filler quota filled… BUT WAIT!
Nice try real me. Nice try, indeed.
- *Wade Barrett/Big Show vs. Unmixed-Strawberry-Yogurt/Bill Reebok. Ring entrances are scrapped in favor of commercials… and we’re back! The bell rings, and action is underway WOW! This match is close! Right! Left! Right! Left! Romney swings low, sweet chariot, I realize I’m still watching CNN coverage and quickly flip back to Smackdown. Instead, it’s going to be a stiff(ly poured drink) for this G. And match. With alcohol. Did I mention the cocaine? J.T. holds up a sign in the audience stating, “Umm… G… umm… you probably shouldn’t talk about your recreational drug use in public.” In all seriousness, I’m a hell-of-a-happy G to watch William Regal battle in what might be one of his last matches. The faces play the isolation game with Barrett, which makes sense considering the heel’s tag partner is a monster. Big Show enters the fray and turns the tables towards the heel’s favor. Regal’s sternum becomes the focal point of Show’s attention, and for anyone who wants to see a master of psychology in the ring, you should watch Regal the whole time. They get ANOTHER commercial break.
I’ve got a Bit Torrent Membership Card in my wallet.
- Unlike Some Internet Guy (Who? That was Jim Neidhart, actually), William Regal will not die. The heels are murdering him. Sheamus makes a brief save, but it’s not enough as the Big Show WMD’s him back to NXT commentary. All in all, getting to watch Regal work a long match was a treat. Meanwhile, both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney announce that regardless of the election results, they will be invading the United Kingdom next week in search of Weapons of Mass Destruction and The Power of the Punch.
- ADR and Ric-Rod are interviewed by Matty Strike-Anyway about their matches with Randall Keith Orton. ADR is furious, until Rosa Mendez walks in a wishes him good luck tonight. Then we’re promised to see Bradly Maddox’s excellent adventures and bogus journey to the WWE as a referee. Yep, the same clip we saw about 24 hours ago. I plan on watching it again, because I actually thought the guy did a great job. But that’s about as rare as me braking my car for small rat dogs that look like the fucker that bit me a couple weeks ago. Oh, you thought I’d forget? You thought wrong. Local urban scavenger animals gotta eat too, right? You didn’t think about THOSE animals, did you?
How do things like this happen?
- Randall Keith Orton orders… a… fish… meal from Mitt Stromney backstage about getting sick, twisted, perverted, bag-shitting, and whatnot. JBL yells something about soap-raping everyone, and the robot’s music hits… Meanwhile, the Miz eats fried chicken over an invisible man’s ring bag backstage and is erased from history. Don’t you wish that happened? It doesn’t, instead we’re blessed with the following interview, and I quote, “11000111000.”
- BREAKING NEWS!!! BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!! I MUST BREAK YOU!!!! ACES AND EIGHT’S ARM BREAKER!!!! Details below:
Linda: “He Hate Me.”
- Johnny Curtis’ new Fandango promo airs. As shitty as it looks, it’s better than slowly decomposing in developmental. Brodus was entertaining, and most of you haters shat on him early on too. So did the Damien Sandow haters. Fuck all of you. Give it a chance. But not peace. Like I reported accurately earlier, the U.K. will be invaded by the U.S. next week. Yep, a new meaning to “bangers and mash.”
- *Alberto Del RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO vs. Randall Keith Orton. Jorge of BWF Radio is seen passed out with an empty cooler filled with empty beer cans. J.T. stands beside him holding a sign, “Jorge Flew All The Way Here Just To See Team Friendship. You May Have Killed Him. Dicks.” Jorge awakens briefly, extends a middle finger, and then passes out. A slow tear rolls down the face of an Aboriginal man’s face, and behind him is seen a field full of litter and dead hippies.
- ADR and Orton spill out into the audience with their brawl and head backstage. Surprisingly, no fans are attacked. Nothing extremely monumental happens thus far in our Falls Count Anywhere match up. Orton grabs a bag of popcorn as the director yells, “CUT!” WWE is stealing everything they can from TNA, huh?
I sincerely wish this happened at least once.
- And we’re back! This match is not limited to any particular locale! Ohio pins the electoral college and is the new Hardcore Champion! Wait! What about Raven!?! Levy attacks the entire state from behind with an extremely large garbage can lid out of nowhere! Ohio’s new governor? Lodi. Sick Boy is named Minister of Trainspotting.
- This is why the WWE should stick to Friday. I’m not apologizing for anything. 5 hours in one day? Fuck you, WWE. Backstage, Del Rio is stomping Orton… I’m sure the live crowd is loving this. They express their excitement with dead silence. After what feels like death personified, Orton takes ADR back into the crowd. One guy cheers. Yep, just one. They continue to roll around in the aisle. They fight up and down a stairwell in the arena… Ric-Rod hands ADR a chair, but it’s not enough. Another commercial airs. Good grief.
Ok, now I’m just thinking about playing Halo 4. Some 13 year old prepubescent kid online will be breaking my eardrums on my headset and do this to me after shooting me in the head.
- We’re back! And if nothing else, Ric-Rod jumps onto Orton’s back to attack! But, Orton reverses, and tosses Rodriguez into the classic Insurrextion phone booth. “I don’t think Superman’s coming out,” notes JBL, as Orton turns Ric-Rod into an amoeba like pile of goo. They FINALLY get back into the ring, and Orton attacks the mat. Del Rio uses Orton’s misguided voices to his advantage. This results in Orton getting hit and falling to the outside and breaking through a table! ORTON FINALLY BROKE A TABLE! ADR wastes no time, and grabs a microphone berating the robot and locks on an Armbar! Orton uses the dropped microphone to his advantage and breaks the hold! BUT NO!!! ADR tosses him into a steel ring post and drags steel ring steps into position and slams his head into it. Sadly, Orton reverses and RKO’s Del Rio into said steps for the win.
- This episode was pretty lackluster. And while we got the same old parity booking, and recycled matches, the fact that people in the U.K. rarely get these shows is beyond pathetic. Terrible.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!
That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online.
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-220-8949. Or, coincidentally, 1(716)-HOGAN-97
Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?
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Tags: 2012, Adr, AJ Lee, Alberto Del Rio, Appletini, Assault With Intent, Behemoth, Booker T, Brodus Clay, Calgary Alberta Canada, Charles Barkley, Christopher Daniels, Clue, CM Punk, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Elbow, Elevator, Fellas, Food Coloring, Friday September 4, Ghost, Ginger, Halo 4, He Hate Me, Jerry Lawler, John Cena, Kane, Linda McMahon shits the bed again, Local Authorities, Mama, Night of Champions, November 6, Obama, Paying Attention, Play By Play, Professional Wrestling, Punk, Randall Keith Orton, Regales, Ric-Rod, Ricardo Rodriguez, Romney, Ryback, Sandy, Smart Phone, Strawberry Yogurt, super-soaker filled with motor oil, Time Continuum, Trinatron, US Election, Us Presidential Election, Video Games, William Regal, XFL