Welcome friends, it is I, ThinkSoJoE, returning to review the flagship show of the WWE while RYTMAN attends to some family issues. Before I get started, I’d like to send my well wishes to RYTMAN and his family in these trying times. Your job is waiting for you when you get back, bud.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, and avoid spoilers like the plague. Not the character BWF Radio’s Jorge played in the band Dead Before Dawn, the one that killed a bunch of people in the middle ages. Then I watch the show while I’m sitting around doing nothing else of note at work. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work.
This is going to be a little different than what you fellow Bored Wrestling Fans are used to. This will be more like G’s style on SmackDown – with less animated GIFs, because I’m far lazier than G is, if you can believe that.
This show kicks off like any good go home show before a ladder themed PPV should – with Dolph Ziggler cutting a promo from the top of a ladder. He says he’ll beat John Cena in his ladder match, then beat Big Show later for the World Heavyweight Championship. This brings out the guy who always seems to have too many limes, Sheamus. The albino-esque World Heavyweight Championship number one contender says Ziggler will have to face him for the title because he’ll beat Big Show, but since he doesn’t think Ziggler can beat Cena, he looks forward to facing Cena. Big Show comes out and mocks both Sheamus and Ziggler, but since he’ll be stripped of the title, he decides not to come beat up Sheamus. He threatens to knock out Ziggler after he beats Cena tonight, then suggests he’ll knock the white off of Sheamus at TLC. Sheamus says that since he can’t beat up Big Show, he’ll beat up someone else – then he dumps Ziggler off the top of the ladder.
Backstage, Mr. McMahon is walking. G runs by screaming in the backround with a little rat dog’s teeth sunk firmly into his rippled ass.
Kofi Kingston and Antonio Cesaro are with Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole on commentary as Wade Barrett is set for action. Apparently Vince McMahon doesn’t realize we’re in the middle of a television show, because he comes waltzing out to the the stage, and introduces Vickie Guerrero. He suggests to her that we have a second main event tonight. He coaxes her into booking Sheamus against Dolph Ziggler, then suggests a monumental third main event. Vickie wants it to be AJ in a handicap match. Vince likes the AJ idea, and makes the match AJ vs. Vickie Guerrero. He says “Let’s tell the truth,” and R-Truth comes out. G runs out, dog in hand, taps Truth on the shoulder, and hands him the dog and a lawsuit. Turns out the little rat dog that bit G’s name is Jimmy.
Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth
Cesaro and Kingston argue on commentary. Kofi calls out Cesaro on his satchel, which Cesaro says Kofi couldn’t pull off. JT is seen with a sign that says “THIS ISN’T SMACKDOWN – WHY AM I HERE?” Truth beats Barrett with a roll-up, and Kofi hits a high cross body from the top rope on Barrett after the match.
Fatal Four Way tag action – NEXT!
AJ is excited about the prospect of facing Vickie Guerrero. She babbles about it to Aksana, who fails to entertainment me in this segment. AJ nearly kills Kaitlyn with a hug, and then she bursts into the men’s locker room – again – and hugs John Cena. Cena convinces her they should go elsewhere to have this conversation.
Back in the arena, there are tag teams. Tag teams everywhere. The Usos, the Prime Time Players, and Primo and Epico are all in the ring, awaiting the fourth team in this fatal four way match – Team Rhodes Scholars! Cody is back! With a mustache! Jerry Lawler makes a joke about his own heart attack, and we’re set for a multiple person clusterfuck.
Team Rhodes Scholars vs. The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players vs. Primo & Epico
Yay! I hate these fucking things! Jorge is seen with a rag sneaking up behind Rosa Mendes, and he rubs it in her face – with no effect. Turns out a cd by the Buffalo area band Chloroform Coulier wrapped in a rag isn’t an effective substitute for an actual chloroform soaked rag. One of the Usos pin one of the Colons, and we’ve got our first elimination of the evening.
The Usos eliminated the Prime Time Players during the break, so we’re down to the Usos and Team Rhodes Scholars. As I was leaving for work, my wife pointed out that in my bearded state, I look a bit like Mr. Sandow. As I went to exit, I realized I did not have my earbuds. I had to return to my abode, and upon my re-departure, I simply stated that had I not procured my audio listening device, I would have to listen to the inane drivel spewing from the mouths of the miscreants on the mass transit system. As Team Rhodes Scholars dominate this match, the fans in attendance at the Prudential Center started to chant “Cody’s Mustache.” Jerry Lawler questions the Cubito Aequet, as if he’d never heard the name before. The Usos turn the tide, but Cody gets his knees up as Jey goes for a splash. Rhodes hits Cross Rhodes, and Team Rhodes Scholars will be heading to TLC, for some reason. Apparently to face Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.
Next week, the WWE Slammy Awards will take over RAW, and you can vote via the WWE App. Seems more than coincidental to me that they’re announcing the Slammys, and that they’ll be taking place the day after the BWF Awards on BWF Radio Episode 53.
Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox
Does anybody else care? Because I don’t. JT is seen in the crowd with a sign that says “FFW >>” I abide. Eve wins with a neckbreaker, then makes the ringside photographer get in the ring and take her picture.
CM Punk is on crutches, limping toward the ring. He’s NEXT!
For the 386th day (despite his insistence that it’s day 388), your WWE Champion, CM Punk is in the house! Punk comes out to the stage with Paul “Goo Goo Ga Joob” Heyman in tow. He says it’s come to his attention that some people think he’s faking his injury in an attempt to duck another title match with Ryback. Punk assures us that it’s legit. He shows us footage from last week of Ryback assaulting him, saying this is where he was injured. The fans chant “Feed Me Punk.” Heyman says they’re ticking him off. How dare they chant “feed me more” at the WWE Champion six days after emergency surgery. This is a legit champion, unlike the New Jersey Devils. This is a legit injury – Punk didn’t have a stunt double like The Rock. Heyman says Ryback is no longer in front of CM Punk, Punk will face The Rock at Royal Rumble. Punk wants to address those who think he should be stripped of the WWE Championship. He dares anybody to come strip him of the title. Cena couldn’t take it from him, Big Show couldn’t do it, Ziggler, Del Rio, Miz, Kane, Bryan, Jericho, they couldn’t do it. Ryback had two chances and has failed. The Rock gets one shot, and Punk promises he will also fail. Punk says he will be present at TLC, simply to watch The Shield, who he is not affiliated with, do to Ryback, what Ryback did to Punk last week.
We’re set for our first of three main events, as Sheamus takes on Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
Hey kids, want to vote in the Slammy awards? Better have a Smartphone, because you can only participate through the WWE App! Sadly, I won’t be voting, because I’ll be avoiding spoilers. I’d vote El Local as Superstar of the Year. Sheamus slams Ziggler into the ringpost as we go to a break.
Ziggler hit the fame-asser on the outside during the break and is in control when we come back. I stop paying attention because I wanted to make sure my calculations were correct on the length of Punk’s title reign. 379 (last week’s number) + 7 = 386. Not 388. Sheamus catches Ziggler out of mid-air and hits a backbreaker/fallaway slam combination. He teaches the kids to count. Sheamus tries a top rope move, which is countered by Dolph, but Ziggler only scores two. Sheamus goes for White Noise, the Clover Leaf, and the Brogue Kick, but Ziggler counters all three. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for two. Ziggler ducks the Brogue Kick again, then nails Sheamus with a chair on the outside, causing the DQ finish.
Ziggler tries to continue assaulting Sheamus with the chair, but Sheamus Brogue Kicks it out of his hand.
Vickie Guerrero is warming up backstage, when Hornswoggle and The Mediocre Khali come in. Vickie says she’s a little tight. Hornswoggle and Khali help her stretch, when Vince McMahon walks in and sees them in a compromising position. He remarks “I thought this was supposed to be a family show,” and walks out.
We re-live last Friday when Team Hell No were devoured by The Shield, as well as their promo video.
Alberto Del Rio’s ring announcer,
El Local Ricardo Rodriguez, introduces him as he rolls into the arena in a BMW. He waits in the ring during a commercial break, and we finally get his opponent… Zack Ryder.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Zack Ryder
We talk on BWF Radio all the time about having different matches than we normally do, but the problem with that is, there are guys that are at completely different levels and the outcomes of certain matches are predictable. You can have Ryder dominate this match all you want, we all know how it’s going to end. JT is seen in the crowd with a sign that says “CROSS ARMBREAKER FTW.” Then G runs by the camera as he’s being chased by a chihuahua. This match is so important in the grand scheme of WWE that as I’m babbling about my BWF Radio co-hosts, the announcers on the actual television program are talking about Jerry Lawler’s health instead of anything going on here. Ryder actually puts up a good fight here, but he telegraphs the Broski Boot and winds up in, guess what, the cross armbreaker. Del Rio wins.
Michael Cole shows us the WWE App – on his Azus Android tablet. Not an iPad. Screw you, Apple. Your products are pretentious pieces of crap.
We’re set for our second of three main events – AJ vs. Vickie Guerrero
AJ Lee vs. Vickie Guerrero
Vickie comes to the ring in her leotard. Jorge is seen vomiting in a bucket nearby. Vickie starts screaming “where’s the ref?” I don’t like where this is going. Brad Maddox makes his way to the ring. Since he’s dressed as a ref, I guess he’d be it. Vickie assaults AJ from behind as she’s questioning Maddox. I see the copyright bug on the screen and realize that I’ve still got another hour of this show to cover. AJ turns the tide and starts beating the hell out of Vickie. AJ slaps Vickie, but Maddox refuses to count. Vickie rolls up AJ, and counts the fall. Vickie Guerrero has just defeated AJ. Or as my co-worker said earlier, “that chick just got beat up by that old lady.” AJ starts tossing around the various tables, ladders, and chairs that I’ve neglected to mention have been set up at ringside all night. She slaps Justin Roberts for good measure.
AJ is still destroying stuff backstage. John Cena comes in to calm her down.
Coffee Kingston is the champion of the intercontinents. It’s a rematch of the match we originally started last week’s Main Event with, as he takes on Antonio Cesaro, who badmouths America like we badmouth Canada on BWF Radio. Basically he says that he’ll win at TLC because New Jersey sucks.
Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro
AJ Lee and Justin Roberts are trending – Lawler says “that’s a slap in the face.” I stop typing because I am actually enjoying this match. Kofi thinks he’s won the match, but Cesaro had the bottom rope. Cesaro turns the tide – by catching Kofi in mid air and flipping him into a backbreaker – and nails the Neutralizer for the win.
The lazy bastards who set up Miz TV didn’t feel like bringing the set to the ring, so they set it up on the stage. Miz brings out “The Beardo and the Weirdo,” Team Rhodes Scholars. Sandow says the only thing worse than Miz having his own show are the ignoramuses who watch it. The “Cody’s Mustache” chant starts up again. Damien Sandow re-introduces the new and improved Cody Rhodes. Rhodes calls out Miz for spending all day and night watching YouTube clips of himself in the main event of WrestleMania two years ago. He badmouths New Jersey. Miz uses the “I mustache you a question” line. He asks if Damien’s beard rubbed off on Cody’s upper lip, and makes more homophobic statements. Be a STAR, kids! Sandow says Miz isn’t a very good host. Miz has bad form, and his questions are repugnant. Miz asks how Rhodes feels that Sandow didn’t visit him once when he was rehabilitating his shoulder. Miz says that Sandow says Rhodes is the Marty Jannetty of the team. Basically trying to drive a wedge between the team, and is called out on such. Rhodes says Miz has become one of those people. They won’t perpetuate this Honey Boo-Boo-esque trash talk TV any longer, and Team Rhodes Scholars bail. Miz says that he’s got a new name for Team Rhodes Scholars – The Pink (because of Sandow’s trunks) and the Stink (because of Cody’s “putrid mustache”).
Backstage, AJ tells John Cena she wants to come to the ring to support him because he’s been supportive of her. He tells her to stay in the back.
Dolph Ziggler comes out for commentary. Cena is, surprisingly, out first for the match, followed by The Big Show.
John Cena vs. The Big Show
Despite the fact I tried to avoid spoilers, I actually saw this match earlier in the night. So, I’m skipping straight to the end because it’s 3AM and I don’t want to watch this again. Cena kicks out after a Big Show chokeslam. Show sets up for the KO punch, but Cena drops him with an AA. Then he’s assaulted by The Shield. This match ends in a no-contest, apparently.
The Shield get set up to put Cena through a table, as Reigns grabs a table. Team Hell no run out for the save, but The Shield beat them down. Ziggler goes after Cena, and it’s a 5-on-3 brawl until Sheamus comes out and attacks Ziggler. Big Show goes for a chokeslam on Cena, but winds up being speared through a table. The crowd chants “Feed Me More” – and they get their wish, as Ryback comes out. He takes out all three members of The Shield at once by throwing a ladder at them. Big Show battles Cena, Ziggler battles Sheamus, and various members of the Shield battle Team Hell No and Ryback as RAW goes off the air!
I actually enjoyed a majority of this show. If they could cram everything I liked about this into two hours, I’d enjoy it more. Three hours is just too much for me. Combine that with all the other WWE programming, and you’ve got a ridiculous amount of content every week. Three hours of RAW, two hours of SmackDown, an hour each of NXT, Main Event, and Superstars, and the 30 minute Saturday Morning Slam. That’s 8 1/2 hours of WWE content. Add in PPVs and specials like the Tribute to the Troops that airs next week, and you may as well start working for WWE with as much time as you’re devoting to them per week.
I digress. As a go home show, this wasn’t half bad. It told the story of most of the matches on the TLC card to try to get you emotionally invested in them. Not a great episode of RAW, but not one of the worst I’ve seen by any means. See you Sunday for the BWF Awards, 2PM Eastern on BWF Radio! Stay tuned to our Facebook for info on how to listen live!
Tags: Albino, Animated Gifs, Backround, Commercial Break, Contender, Dead Before Dawn, Go Home, John Cena, Limes, People In The Middle Ages, Plague, Raw Reviews, SmackDown, Top Of The Ladder, Trying Times, Welcome Friends, Well Wishes, World Heavyweight Championship, Wwe Raw, Ziggler