I do this for you, dear readers. All two of you. I’m here on Christmas eve reviewing WWE RAW. I don’t have to worry about missing out on Santa Claus, because he’s hosting RAW tonight. When he should be flying all over the world delivering toys to boys and girls everywhere. Also, Santa Claus is G from BWF Radio.
I watch 30 minutes of the show, leave for work, and then watch the entire 3 hour show in it’s entirety at work. You’re welcome. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work.
RAW kicks off with the WWE Holiday Card video that’s been floating around the interwebs for the past couple of weeks. I highly enjoy it, so I don’t mind seeing it over and over again. Even though Punk literally gets buried in the end. The Champion can’t even get some respect in the holiday card.
RAW proper kicks off with Santa Claus handing out gifts to all the good little boys and girls of Pittsburgh while Michael Cole flubs the lyrics of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.” Alberto Del Rio’s music hits, and… he hits Santa with his car! Del Rio looks concerned and Ricardo Rodriguez looks like he’s going to cry as the paramedics take Santa off on a stretcher. To be fair, Del Rio did blow the horn. Santa should’ve got the fuck out of the way. They show a replay with hilarious cartoon sound effects added in. That’s not a joke. Santa gives the thumbs up on his way out.
When we come back, the area where Del Rio hit Santa with his car is taped off with police tape, because, you see, it’s now a crime scene. Backstage, Booker T comes out of the trainer’s room and tells everybody it doesn’t look good for Santa, but that before he lost consciousness, he booked Alberto Del Rio in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight against John Cena. I don’t need to write jokes tonight. This show is doing it for me. Santa booked Del Rio in a match, because Del Rio hit him with his car. I’m serious.
Last month, Cody Rhodes damn near killed himself in a tag match that also involved Kane. As such, Cody is wrestling Kane. Jerry Lawler doesn’t make the obligatory Christmas Creature reference as Kane comes to the ring.
Cody Rhodes vs. Kane
Lawler makes fun of Cody’s mustache, Cody works over Kane’s arm. Lawler finally makes the Christmas Creature reference I was waiting for. Cody exposes the turnbuckles, but ends up taking the exposed steel sternum first, and gets chokeslammed. Kane picks up the victory.
Up next. Santa’s Helper 8-Diva Tag Team Match. Because WWE knows that if there’s one thing I love more than multi-person clusterfucks, it’s Divas matches featuring BWF Award winning worst wrestler of the year Aksana.
Alright, let’s see if I can keep up with this crap. Layla, Alicia Fox, Natalya, and Kaitlyn. That’s one team. Eve, Rosa, BWF Radio’s Worst Wrestler of the Year Aksana, and Tamina Snuka. That’s the other team.
Layla, Alicia Fox, Natalya, and Kaitlyn vs. Eve, Rosa Mendes, Aksana, and Tamina Snuka
New rule. We’re not required to review anything that involves Aksana for the next year if we don’t want to. And I don’t want to. FFW! All hell breaks loose (you don’t say), and Kaitlyn pins Eve. Jorge tries to get in the ring while Eve is still unconscious, but her teammates save her. Obligatory BWF Radio co-host reference number one out of the way.
Still to come, a “Lumber-Jack Frost Match.” Seriously. It’s Sheamoose vs. The Big Show. But first, an update on Santa Claus. I can’t make this stuff up.
Backstage, a roaring fire is lit, and Dolph Ziggler and AJ are sitting by it watching AJ’s favorite Christmas movie – John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler at TLC. Her favorite part is where she dumps Cena off the ladder.
Back in the arena, we’re shown for the fourth time tonight the footage of Santa Claus being run over by Alberto Del Rio. With horrible cartoon sound effects added. Michael Cole says that representatives from the North Pole have been called and informed of the situation. I seriously can’t make this stuff up. We go backstage for an update from Matt Striker. He says there is no official word yet.
A ton of Superstars spill out from the back. I see the Usos, 3MB, Prime Time Players, Brodus Clay, Kidd and Gabriel, Tensai, and Santino. Could be more, I don’t know.
Big Show is out first for this Lumber Jack Frost Match. I saw him in Jingle All The Way earlier in the night. Sheamus comes out, and we’ve got ourselves a ridiculous Christmas-themed lumberjack match.
Big Show vs. Sheamus – Lumber Jack Frost Match
Thinking about it, if TV and movies have taught me anything, it’s that if you hurt or kill Santa, it’s your responsibility to deliver toys on Christmas Eve. I expect Del Rio to come down the chimney with better tickets for WrestleMania any time now. Anyway, I digress. Kids are taught to count, as Santa G would say. Show avoids the Brogue Kick by rolling out of the ring, but the lumberjackfrosts refuse to do anything to a guy who could theoretically eat them for lunch. They do try to throw Sheamus back in later, but he fought them off. Big Show sings “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” as he locks an armbar on Sheamus. Everything goes all crazy outside the ring, while Big Show continues to dominate. Sheamus hits an electric chair drop on Show. They start slugging it out in the middle of the ring. Sheamus grabs the upper hand, but runs into a chokeslam, which only gets Show a two count. Everything breaks down again on the outside, with everybody getting involved. I think I even see G and JT out there. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and picks up the victory. Then the Lumber Jack Frosts start brawling in the ring. The faces, of course, stand tall, because that’s what they’re supposed to do.
“It’s Christmas time in Hollis, Queens. Mom’s cooking chicken and collard greens. Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese. And tacos, and nachos…”
“Shut up, Beavis.”
David Otunga is in the ring. He’d like to comment on the Del Rio/Santa situation. People are quick to pass judgment, but they don’t know all of the facts. He says Del Rio is the victim. He was fulfilling contractual obligations as a WWE Superstar, whereas Santa is guilty of trespassing, vehicular vandalism, etc. Zack Ryder decides that since he’s got a problem with the guy that says Ho Ho Ho, Otunga should face the guy who says Woo Woo Woo.
David Otunga vs. Zack Ryder
JT is seen with a sign that reads “NOBODY WATCHES Z TRUE LONG ISLAND STORY ANYMORE!” The sign is right. Obligatory BWF Radio co-host reference number two out of the way. Lawler makes lawyer jokes, and Otunga dominates the Woo Woo Woo kid. Ryder turns it around and hits the Broski Boot for a two count, then misses the Rough Ryder. Then hits it. Then wins. Oh Radio, tell me everything you know. Which we do. Every Sunday at 2PM.
Backstage, Booker T and the ghost of SmackDown GMs past are jovial over the fact that Otunga lost. Brad Maddox walks in. Booker wanted to see him. Booker denies him a contract. But in the spirit of Christmas, he’ll give Maddox one more opportunity. Maddox says it’s great television. Booker says he’ll have to beat one of Santa’s elves. Booker insists it will be “great television.”
One of my personal favorites. Granny rocks that guitar solo!
The Miz is on his way to the ring when we come back. Coffee Kingstone is out next. Apparently this is a tag team match, because Wade Barrett is in the ring. With Antonio Cesaro.
The Miz & Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro & Wade Barrett
There’s a big battle royal on Main Event this week, and the winner gets a shot at Cesaro’s US title. Guess we know who’s gonna win that one now. Because Miz TOTALLY deserves a title shot with the way he’s been performing since becoming a babyface. Man, the sarcasm in this article is off the chart. I’m tired. I’m sure this is going to be a good match, but screw it, I’ll watch it tomorrow. FFW! Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, he’s stopped by Cesaro, hits a DDT on Cesaro, Barrett gets caught with Trouble in Paradise, followed by a successful Skull Crushing Finale, and the Miz pins Wade Barrett.
This one’s for you, G – Oi! Oi! Oi!
AJ leads Ziggler to their Christmas tree. His Money In The Bank briefcase is under it. She says it was the last one left, and John Cena was going for it, but she beat him to it. By pushing him off of a ladder. He tries to kiss her but she stops him, because she has one more present for him. She’s wearing his t-shirt, which he says is the sexiest thing he’s ever seen.
We get another replay of how Santa got run over by Del Rio. Walking back to backstage Christmas Eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Alberto Del Rio. But as for me and Santa, we believe. Ok, that was just as lame as the jokes King and Cole have been making all night. Anyways, Matt Striker with an update. He says there’s not a lot to report. The car did some damage. That’s all he knows.
Brad Maddox sings Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town as he walks to the ring. But he replaces Santa’s name with his own. You knew that was coming. Just like I did.
Appropriate, since the world ended three days ago.
Brad Maddox is awaiting his opponent, Santa’s Elf. Played by Hornswoggle. The Mediocre Khali follows him out. You knew that was coming. Just like I did.
Brad Maddox vs. The Great Khali
I have about an hour left of this. Great. FFW to the predictable ending of Khali hitting the Tree Slam for the victory. And the obligatory idiotic dance with Hornswoggle. Then some idiot gives Khali a mic. And he tries to sing. Great.
The reigning, defending WWE Champion, CM Punk, is walking backstage with Paul Heyman. They’re next!
I’m sure this is probably one of the WWE Champion’s favorite Christmas songs
For the 400th consecutive day, the WWE Champion is here! #KNEES2FACES! He’ll defend against Ryback on January 7th. He mocks the Great Khali, saying he must have been from Pittsburgh, because Punk couldn’t understand a word he said. The fans chant “Here we go, Steelers, here we go.” Because this was taped BEFORE the Steelers blew their chance at the playoffs this weekend. Punk says he won’t even root for the Cubs (yes he will), and they’re going to cheer for the Steelers? Christmas has been ruined, and it’s not his fault. He’s not talking about Santa getting hit by a car either. Punk is clearly injured to the point where he’s unfit to compete tonight. Because of Ryback. Ryback is why Christmas is ruined, and now Punk can’t even walk without crutches. Ryback has also ruined Hanukkah. Does he get fired? Suspended? Fined an obscene amount? Nope. His punishment for hurting the Champion is nothing. He gets rewarded with this phantom title shot. Punk says maybe if it was proven he had something to do with Brad Maddox or the Shield, it would be fair, but there’s no proof because it’s not true. Punk is in a bad mood because he’s injured through the holiday, whereas the fans are drunkenly looking for other drunken idiots to kiss on New Year’s Eve. Heyman says we need to get one thing perfectly clear. You don’t boo the Champion. He’s been the Champion for 400 consecutive days, and for every one of those, CM Punk has been the victim of a documented conspiracy in WWE to take the title away from him. Don’t believe Paul? Take the Ryback situation. He’s received two opportunities to wrestle the title away from CM Punk, and on both occasions, he’s failed. Punk says he’s better than Ryback no matter how many appendages he has, because he is the best in the world. Ryback marches to the ring to test that theory, apparently. Heyman says that Punk is not medically cleared, and if he lays one finger on Punk they will sue for assault. Ryback doesn’t need to lay a finger on Punk, because he already got his Christmas present. In two weeks, it’s Punk and Ryback for the WWE Championship – in a TLC Match!
BWF’s Wrestler of the Year, Daniel Bryan, is in the house! He is the Tag Team Champions! His opponent is BWF’s Best New Character of the Year, Damien Sandow! You’re welcome!
Daniel Bryan vs. Damien Sandow
Bryan yells “NO!” Sandow yells “SILENCE!” Then the match picks up with Bryan on the offensive early. I stop typing because this is going to be an early MOTY candidate, I’d assume. Cubito Aequet makes an appearance in this match. You’re welcome. Bryan reverses a Terminus into the No Lock, and Sandow taps.
Up next, it’s a 12 Days of Christmas 12 Man Tag Match. Featuring the Lumber Jack Frosts from earlier. Ugh.
‘leven wrasslin’ tickets. Who’s up for a WCW event?
12 Days of Christmas 12 Man Tag Match
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK this shit. FFW! Jey Uso pins Heath Slater. Because Slaters Gonna Slate. Ugh.
Did you really think you were going to escape without seeing Adam Sandler’s egg shaped cranium?
Backstage, Daniel Bryan is excited about Christmas. Kane hates Christmas, but since it means a lot to Daniel, he got him a present. Bryan opens it – it’s a Slammy Award! He asks Kane how he did it, then says he got Kane something too. A puppy. Kane says “Thanks! I’m starving!” Bryan yells “NO! NO! NO! Animals are our friend, not food!”
Elsewhere, AJ reads her version of ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas to Dolph Ziggler. Then they kiss under the mistletoe. And knock their tree over.
We see – AGAIN – Santa getting hit by Del Rio’s car. Matt Striker is standing by. Medical staff has informed him that Santa has taken a turn for the worse. His EKG stops beeping normally and starts playing Jingle Bells. I cannot make this stuff up. John Cena is here, which means there’s not much longer left in this show. Hooray!
Watch the WHOLE FREAKIN’ SHORT FILM! Because I love the Grinch, and I love my readers!
Ricardo Rodriguez is beside himself as he introduces Alberto Del Rio. I’d follow the rule I made last week about Del Rio’s introduction, but I couldn’t make it short enough. That’s how upset Ric-Rod is.
John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio – Miracle on 34th Street Fight
Santa is fighting for the honor of Santa Claus. Again, I cannot make this shit up. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as that Christmas hardcore match TNA did a few years back. Del Rio beats down Cena, then grabs the microphone and says it was an accident. He wasn’t trying to hurt Santa. Unlike Cena, who he hits with the microphone a couple of times. Cena reverses it a third time and hits Del Rio with the microphone instead. Cena opens a present, which is a steel chair. Which he promptly uses on Del Rio. Ricardo Rodriguez pulls the ref out of the ring to prevent Cena from getting the pin. Del Rio takes advantage of the distraction. Ric-Rod gives Del Rio a present, which is a pie. Del Rio tries to pie Cena, but gets Ricardo instead. They fight up to the stage, and Cena opens another Christmas present. It’s one of the monitors they use at the announce table, which Cena uses. After a commercial break, Alberto is in control. Rodriguez hands him another present. Del Rio opens it, and it’s… a bazooka? Nope. It’s a teddy bear. Which Del Rio throws at Cena. I literally laugh out loud. Cena tosses Del Rio into some of the presents strewn around the stage, and wraps Ricardo up with a wreath. Cena opens another present, but the fans urge him to use the tree. Seriously. And then he hits Del Rio with the tree. Cena opens another present. It’s a bowling ball. He rolls it down the ramp, and straight into Alberto’s bowling pins. Al Snow wants his gimmick back. Another present – this time it’s a fire extinguisher. He sprays Del Rio with it. Ricardo jumps on Cena’s back with a variation of the sleeper. Christmas music hits, and Santa makes his way to the ring! It’s a Christmas Miracle! Ricardo runs over to give him a hug, but gets hit with Santa’s sack. He puts on Mr. Stocking, and puts the Mandible Claw on Alberto Del Rio. Cena hits the AA, and picks up the win!
That was highly entertaining, as it should be for a Christmas episode. Turns out Santa was Mick Foley all along. Merry Christmas to All, and to All, a Good Night.
I enjoyed it. There was a lot of crap on this show, but fast forwarding through a lot of it was helpful. Hope you guys enjoyed this review, I’ll see you next week! Merry Christmas everybody, from all of us here at BoredWrestlingFan.com!
Tags: Boys And Girls, Cartoon Sound Effects, Christmas Eve, Dear Readers, Del Rio, Hilarious Cartoon, Holiday Card, Interwebs, John Cena, Little Boys And Girls, Lyrics Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Miracle On 34th, Miracle On 34th Street, Music Hits, Police Tape, Raw Reviews, Ricardo Rodriguez, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Street Fight, Wwe Raw