No need for some long drawn out intro to this review. This Sunday is the Royal Rumble, and everything of significance is well established. This episode should serve to do little else to maintain a holding pattern and replay all the build from previous episodes of RAW. But, hey, you never know. I might be wrong. It happened once.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– WWE voice over guy makes some muffled noises, and is immediately replaced by Brian Deville of Brian Deville Talent Agency and cuts the best fucking voice over you ever heard!
– Sadly that does not happen, rather it’s that poor man’s impression of Brian Deville, Joe-Who-the-Fuck-MacDonald blathering on about the return of Georges Laraque facing SeeNo Rap and being attacked by The Trojans and left protected from most venereal diseases in the Circled Square. Also El Generico will face the OVersized Hornswoggle for the Nacho Hat of Glory.
@Charles Barkley @G: “Those TNT goofs were making fun of me for waxing my eyebrows last night. Turribly disrespectful. I don’t even want to sink so low to tell you what Shaq does…”
@G @Charles Barkley: “I heard that, Barks. You don’t want to walk around looking like you have squirrels stapled to your forehead.”
– We kick things off with the hug orgy from RAW clips. Team Hell No Friendship address the rumor that they’ve gone soft, flaccid and limp because they graduated from Anger Management College. Then Kane proclaims that he will win the Royal Rumble. Bryan, of course, takes exception to this (wait how many fucking Bryans are on BWF Radio this week). Big Show has heard enough and resumes our parade of Royal Rumble promos. Show actually talks about winning his title back and is angered by Bryan reminding him a certain goat beat Show for that title last year. “You’re making a critical error,” interrupts Rhodes Scholars, “by putting the horse before the cart. And in your case the goat…” and so on. The heel team plans of taking the tag titles and propose an Alliance with the Big Show, Kurt Angle, Stone Cold Steve Austin, RVD, Booker T, and some other lesser WCW talent. Enter the WWE’s answer to the Latino audience’s desire for a Hispanic Champion. Booker T doesn’t even let him talk. He has been possessed by the Spirit of
Doc Ock Teddy Long and Kinder Surprise’s us all with a six man tag team elimination match later tonight! My computer screen is visited by the Spirit of a Gooey Ghost as my family and I travel to California in search of internet. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “I really liked that episode too, but think the Aspen episode was better, DARSH!”
He still botched it!
– * Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett. She-Ra makes his way out, and is followed by Medium-Sized Business Owner and I.C. Champ, Wade Barrett. Barrett is munching on energy bars the whole way to the ring and wipes off crumbs on the pale Cena clone. The two snap into a brawl fest, exchanging stiff exchanges, as one would expect. I think we’ve seen this match a few too many times though, and while I’m impressed it really feels like one of the WWE’s go-to filler matches. My mind begins to wander and I break my own rule and stray towards social media (which sometimes can be the death of these reviews). HOLY FUCK! Jake “The Snake Roberts” looks great! Say what you will about DDP’s overkill of selling his Yoga shit, but damn if it isn’t working! Check this shit out people:
YOU CAN DO IT, SNAKE!!
– Sheamus gets his “teach kids to teach at home” spot, but fails to hit something from the top ropes and Barrett pulls him down and kicks him in the fucking head with a nice looking kick. Sheamus survives, rallies up the crowd and lands his Brogue kick for the win. Post match, Sheamus does his over-zealous orgasm face with the crowd.
– RAW clips of The Ricky Gervais getting beaten down by the Shield and all that junk you already watched.
The Green Bastard is totally winning the Royal Rumble.
– * Natalya vs. Rosa Mendes. The Mediocre Khali/Hornswoggle and the Colons are out with their respective allied ladies. This entire match features Joe and Jorge invading, and spray painting over the parts of the camera lenses so we can only see Natalya wrestling…. there really is no one else on the main roster in the Diva’s division that is allowed to, or is a capable of, wrestling a good match other than Natalya. Bring up Paige. Jorge steps on Khali and squashes him, while Joe’s antics cause Hornswoggles knees to break into dust. Something like that, both of those two faces look exactly the same to me. In all fairness, Hornswoggle is actually pretty funny on commentary and gets on top of the announce table and mocks the spray paint’s dancing allowing Nattie to roll up spray paint for the win. Khali offers Nattie some Isopropanol to clean herself off post match so she doesn’t resemble Jeff Hardy.
Multiple reasons William Regal is a genius heel.
– CM Punk swaggers out with Paul Heyman in tow, holding up the title as per usual. Still far from sick of this, as anything that
Secret of the Ooze’s charisma is always a treat. Ninja… ninja rap (bonus fact, ninja’s were the equivalent of modern era contracted killers without honor. Samurai’s where the one’s riding openly armed, while ninja’s hid in the field dressed as farmers that slit their throats from behind. Look it up, kids!).
– 432 days… 432! Punk is “terrified” that anything that could make this run go up in smoke like that because of the Shield and the stipulation that Vince McMahon made about the RR match this Sunday. Any interference… and BOOYAH! Bye bye title. Heyman reads a proclamation from Connecticut (the latter fact, I assume). Punk raves on, in excellent form and demands that The Shield makes themselves seen. And almost immediately, they arrive in the audience like Jorge often does on my top floor apartment balcony. Perhaps they have actual gadgets in those utility belts, after all?
– Punk claims that he never asked for their involvement over the past months, and if they actually serve to fight injustice, that their interference would be a detriment to the biggest achievement of his career. He never asked for their help, and doesn’t need it. “If justice is what you really want around here… then we never have to cross paths again,” notes Punk. The Shield stands for a moment. And then leaves via para-sail, jetpack, and zip-line. “And now that…” continues Punk, “is how the champ takes care of business!”
Joe: “Do you think the audience bought it?”
Jorge: “I hope so, Team Beta have all my toys…”
J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating: “We’ll find out Sunday! BUY THE REPLAY!”
– Enter Stone Cold Dwayne Johnson. He does his typical entrance. Punk taunts Rocky with the belt as the crowd erupts spewing magma everywhere. Rock goes into serious mode (thank god) and clearly states his goal is definitively beat Punk for the title. He doesn’t buy into the ruse that the Shield is not involved, and finds his mojo that we’ve been missing since his return… “If you smell what the Rock is cooking” No tongue wagging. None of that bullshit. I really enjoyed this whole segment. You will too, go seek it out.
Jason Lababera might not be the best goalie, but the guy has some fucking awesome goalie masks.
– * Drew McIntyre (with 3MB) vs. Randall Keith Orton. Fuck sakes. You know what that means. Team Alpha is seen assembling backstage, with some kind of gadgetry. Meanwhile, McIntyre screams, “3MB!” as Orton goes immediately in assimilation mode, channeling his inner Borg. The referee calls for the bell about a minute in, just before Orton hits an RKO on Drew. Orton wins via DQ. Orton turns all of them into STNG enemies and they go capture Piccard and shit. Orton leaves the ring, just as Team Alpha enters… a little too late to attack. For shame… for shame.
Sin Cara, you are not the only guy who botches breaking things. Maybe you… want… a… cheeseburger…too?
– * The Miz vs. Darren Young. Pfft. Guess what is going to happen here? Injustice. The PTP’s do their “Millions of Dollars” dance in the ring to compensate for no ring entrance. Beardy-McDouch-Alot comes out, and Antonio Cesaro is on commentary. Miz and Nipples will have the preshow Youtube match in which the US (You and me) title is on the line. It better not change hands on a fucking Youtube show. Cesaro is excellent on the mic, noting that Americans are living in a place where everything is handed to them on a silver platter, but none of them can take advantage of it. He’s here, and is totally taking advantage of it. Miz submits Young with the gifted Figure Four leglock handed to him by the Nature Boy (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) Ric Flair on a silver platter, but still hasn’t taken advantage of it. As per usual, he makes the legendary finishing move look like some kind of awkward footsy-flirtation often found in a Junior High School Physical Education class. Miz wins. Wrestling history loses. See what I did there? I hope so, but I also hope you didn’t have to see The Miz defile the legacy of that finishing move because there is not enough fire available in the universe to burn your eyes and memory having seen watching it… again.
I just find this funny.
– The classic Royal Rumble numbers clip package airs. If this is being read on BWF Radio this Sunday, Joe that would be your cue to play the audio for it found in the show notes in the usual place. For those reading at home, you can check it out here. “There is only one road to WrestleMania, and it begins at the Royal Rumble. It is also devalued at the Elimination Chamber.” I think that’s how the quote goes. Whatever. I love the Rumble, best PPV of the fucking year.
– * Alberto Del Rio, Kane, and Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show, Cody Rhodes, and Damien Sandow. Very typical tagteam shit here. We’re not welcome as Kane eliminates our intellectual savior, Damien Sandow early on. Kane is on fire (but he’s used to that). Kane gets fucked up by Show outside, and almost… wait… nope… he DOES get counted out. And then there was four. Commercials and shit. Literally. In this case, the former.
Precisely why you shouldn’t attempt to interfere in any game. Kid sold the kick well. What a dick move.
– That ball boy ^. is no Brad Maddox, but I digress. I don’t blame the player, as that fucker tried to run down the clock. He earned those kicks. Look up your footy if you don’t understand. Yes, the football the REST of the world plays. No silver platters, yanks. If you’ve somehow forgotten, I’m Canadian. We play Ice-“Soccer”.
– Rhodes, Show, Bryan, and Del Generico remain. Show is leg-swept by Bryan, but Bryan’s midair assault only leaves him with a welt on his chest. Bryan reminds us how to get tossed out, and pull oneself back into the ring! But it is all for naught as Show tosses the American Dragon to the outside for the countout. Show then tosses out a random Latino hero. Show’s selfishness ultimately costs him his spot in the match, and he is too… counted out. Down to Rhodes and Del Rio. Near fall on Rhodes leads to Ric-Rod going insane at ring side and a “Si!” chant emanating from the crowd. ADR riles up the crowd, lands an enzuguri, and picks up the win. Post match, Big Show angrily attacks the Santa killer, and tosses the announce table upon ADR as a receipt.
Maybe Joe can explain this tantrum to me? Did he just find out the Mediocre Khali is main eventing WrestleMania?
– Final Thoughts – Overall, it was just a show. We don’t expect a “Go-Home” show on Smackdown. But that’s cool. Looking at the card, much is just simply a coloring page for the bookers as we get underway to the second most important PPV of the year (and the best, IMO). Nonetheless, we did get a pretty entertaining segment with Punk, Heyman, Dat Shield, and the Mickie Rourke. So there’s that. Happy Royal Rumbling (with cheese) weekend folks! Go Oilers!
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: Adr, AJ Lee, Alberto Del Rio, Anger Management, Apartheid In South Africa, Basket Ball, Booker T, Brodus Clay, Calgary Alberta, Charles Barkley, Closed Captioning, CM Punk, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dollar Man, Dribble, El Generico, Eyebrows, Fandango, Forehead, Frisbees, Georges Laraque, Goofs, Grock, Hornswoggle, James Storm, Jerry Lawler, Jinder, John Cena, Kane, Macdonald, Management College, Mickie Rourke, Mork, Natalya, Play By Play, Poor Man, Promos, Randall Keith Orton, Randy Orto, Randy Orton, Raw Deal, Raw Deal Card Game, Replay, Ric-Rod, Ricardo Rodriguez, Royal Rumble, Ryback, SmackDown, Spork, Steve Austin, Strawberry Yogurt, super-soaker filled with motor oil, Talent Agency, Venereal Diseases, Wade Barrett, Waxing