Well, here we are. One more PPV to get through until the final stretch before WrassleMunia. Good times, good times. To be honest, the card looks pretty solid, and I expect Sunday will deliver a solid show. As for Smackdown, this probably will a whole bunch of clip packages and filler. Perhaps one or two tidbits of interest will slip through the cracks… Perhaps. But, that’s why you’re here. To see what in the blue hell happened (or what I perceived that happened).
Not to sound crabby… You + Hopping = Now.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- Take a second. Watch this gif. Shh.. watch this gif. If that didn’t make you smile, please kill yourself. That is all:
Possibly the best dog ever.
- G.L.O.W. voiceover gal kicks off the show, and we’re reminded of See There Emo spending nap time with Duane Eddy while Pam Eh Safely is quietly looking on. When will they wake up? Will they still have snack time and then get to play in the sandbox?
- Then the show really starts with a reminder of resident face, ADR’s completely heroic behavior towards The Big Show last week involving de-tiring his bus, pouring orange paint on him, and riding off with a tow truck driver. Show is in the ring noting that three innocent people suffered the angry giant’s wrath. Then the fact that ADR has never pinned Big Show. He’s screaming bloody murder in only a way that Paul Wight can. And who better than Kanyon to interrupt him? Why it’s a lad from Winnipeg… Manitoba, Canada, Chris Jericho. Y2J says he’s known him for 16 years and can read him like a book, to which Show retorts that if he did indeed knows him that well, he’d be well aware to stay far away. Then both work in plugs for Fozzy and that Robot fighting show. Jericho puts over Show for the threat he is, but warns him of his own accomplishments and they push the WH title match and the Chamber match and that the results could mean they face each other at WM. Great segment, actually… but… it’s Flow Chart time, playah. Book-Club T puts them into a match, of course. Because that’s how Smackdown always starts.
- Matt Steeeeeeeerike 1! is asking about… to Orton… if he wants a cheeseburger… no answer… Mark Henry stares at Orton…. They make out and shit in each other’s ring bags…
- Hey kids! Don’t be illiterate ignorant little fucks! Get with the program or Mick Foley will set you on fire!
- Hall of Pain video airs to remind people about Mark Henry. I guess this can’t hurt.
- * Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry. Team Alpha is seen backstage relaxing casually. They’ve been working hard over the last few months, and once again they seem confident that Mark Henry’s got this. Joe passes Jorge a bag of popcorn as the match begins. Mark Henry is already sweating buckets as the ring bell sounds. Orton And Henry trade spots, as not to make it seem that mere strength can defeat he-of-the-robot-kind. But like asteroids falling in Russia, Orton is tossed to the outside for the obligatory commercial break. And we come back to more slow plodding action. The crowd seems to be enjoying this, and Orton is booked as a formidable opponent. J.T. is in the crowd holding up a sign stating, “Joe? Jorge? He might actually win this one?” The two take the action to the outside and this results in Orton attacking Mark Henry with a steel chair. Mark Henry wins due to a DQ. Orton goes to finish the job, lands some chair shots, but Henry whips away the chair and lands the World’s Strongest Slam. Joe and Jorge continue to munch away on their popcorn and discuss the acting prowess of Kendra Lust.
- We’re shown clips of the robot usher trying to find Sexual Chocolate a seat, but alas his girth is too much, so he forces him backstage to talk to Matt Steeeerike 2! Henry tells the frightened former school teacher that they will need to call in police, the army, the navy, Master Chief, The Master Chef, Gail Kim, the rest of the TNA Knockouts, Kendra Lust, The X-Men, that sloven fuck who works at Denny’s, Robots in Disguise (shhh! don’t say anything), Ultron, Giagantor, The Philadelphia Flyers, The Sith, Colonel Mustard, Kevin Bacon, Screech from Saved By the Bell, The entire graduating class from Devry of 1998, ancestry.com, The word “amusement”, Funk Master Flex, The Inca, exactly seventeen and a half squirrels, Rodney Mack, asbestos, The Seven Deadly Sins, A Big Mac with extra pickles, the boom-microphone operator for Ishtar, AC/DC and That Damn Double C if they want to take him down.
This is genius.
- * Layla vs. Tamina. “Oh one of these?” I write down with chalk on a dead polar bear in my kitchen. I used yellow chalk, dipshit. Of course white chalk won’t show up it’s fur! Of course I know that! Unless I shaved it, because a polar bear’s skin is actually black. Then, I would have used white chalk. Idiot. What’s happening again? Oh right, Layla and Tamina wrestle as Kate Winslet looks on ignoring yet another love interest drowning behind her because this match is so fascinating. It features Tamina stepping on Layla’s head. Then she lands her daddy’s frog splash and wins. “Man, I am really looking forward to Tamina versus Kate Winslet at Elimination Chamber,” I write on the polar bear. This time I use a black Jiffy Marker that using ink made of lies. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “I AM FULFILLED BY THE DIVA DIVISION.” We split a two-pack of Jiffy’s, actually. BTW, J.T., you still owe me like $0.90.
Happens every time you put a Mentos in a beer.
- Rock’s entrance music hits… LOL. I guess he made another SD appearance. I know a lot of people are giving him shit, but to be honest, The Rock has done a vastly better job this year feigning being a regular roster guy. He’s sans belt too, as CM Punk pilfered it from his possession this past Monday. Rock’s pissed about the pick-pocketed personal property of Das Rock. Rock notes that theft will result in an ass kicking and calls Punk a spoiled little boy who lost his toy. Jorge and Joy build sand castles after their snack with Punk in the back (you need to check out BWF Radio to get how this goes over). LOL, sorry guys, but actually Punk is in the back with Heyman on a video. Punk makes a good point and puts over the match for the PPV. Rock does the same. Great little segment to build up interest. Nothing too special, but that’s fine. Rock didn’t sing or any crap, and was serious as fuck. I like that.
* 3MB vs. Tensai and Brodus Clay. 3MB are rocking out with air guitars in the ring, and Brodus’ music and entrance hits. They dance for a bit and Tensai shakes his head and storms down to the ring. He immediately goes up to Jindar Mahal and discusses about looking completely different than the stereotype of ethnicities of from where they are billed from. They fist bump and agree to bring that up with the writers about wanting to start a Calgary, Alberta/Peabody, Massachusetts tag team. Meh. Later in the match Mahal lands a swinging neckbreaker on Tensai forcing a tag to Brodus, and the proposed new tagteam idea is finished according to their Twitter feed. “CALL! MY! MAMA!” screams Clay who mud-pie splashes Jinder’s corpse and then fat men dance. Jorge runs in and starts to lay down a funky bass line, immediately dropping his pants. Joe and J.T. use mutual birthday date powers to teleport in like Tomax and Xamot from the terrorist group, Cobra. Then Team Beta, the Shield, come down, hand the boys some more popcorn stating, “We’ve got this, Mark Henry style.” J.T. holds up a sign that states, “Thank you! I love popcorn!” I wonder if that is true, or he wrote that with the Jiffy Marker of Lies? If this makes it to BWF Radio, Joe asks J.T. if this is true on Sunday’s broadcast. The Shield dismantle the Chunky Funky Tag Team and make a statement about destroying “Team Kendra Lust With A Guinness and Two Local Jobbers” Well-Done on Sunday. Sounds like the perfect Valentine’s Day date to me. Then Cupid shoots Icarus straight in the fucking head, and he falls to the ground. The Minotaur finds his corpse and weeps… He thinks the Shield is getting jobbed out at Elimination Chamber too. Then he necrophiacally violates Icarus’ corpse because The Minotaur is one sick horny bastard. Why the fuck do you think they trapped him in a labyrinth? Duh.
The internet is a rumor filled place. Be a Star? Maybe…
- * Cody Rhodes vs. The Miz. The Miz is bandaged up because he fucked up at a house show wrestling CM Punk. JBL comments about the tape, noting that, “You want to wrap it up for protection, but all you are doing is give a target for Cody Rhodes.” My computer lagged out during this, so I had to reboot. Didn’t pause the show, because I write this as I watch. It’s in the motherfucking rules for how I review Smackdown. Don’t like that? You probably haven’t read this far, and therefore I don’t believe you. I post the rules a few times a year. Not this week, though. Ha ha! Miz wins, since Rhodes is a jobber guy until Mania is over. Shitty, I know. But the match was still good.
Striker’s words hurt.
- Did You Know? WWE regularly masturbates collectively about the number of plays they get on YouPorn videos featuring Kendra Lust? Yes. Even the Eunuchs. Hi Brian! Welcome to BWF Radio!
- * Jack Swagger (w/ Dirty Dutch Mantel) vs. Zack Ryder. They can call Mantell “Zeb Coulter” all they want. Mantell is too cool for that, because this tandem is fucking awesome. Racism against orange people prevails in a destruction of the fake American who is charting on iTunes with his singy-thingy. It’s really a display of Sthwagger’s move set as he destroys Ryder and ultimately submits him with The Patriot Act. J.T. holds up a sign that says, “I listened to “Rooster” by Alice In Chains throughout that match!”
- Mantell hits the microphone discussing the fact it’s the decisions you make, that define the character. The Americans are not stupid, but they refuse to see. They choose to be blind, like Stevie Wonder (he didn’t say that last part). He puts over Swoggle who screams “WE! THE! PEOPLE!” repeatedly. Great segment. I don’t know why they didn’t have Brodus come out and scream “CALL! MY! MAMA!” after.
@Charles Barkley @G: “G, you’re not gonna believe this… Being the Auburn guy that I am, I wanted to be first class. I went down to the University of Alabama to congratulate the Crimson Tide on winning a BCS Championship and I got mugged. I got mugged in Tuscaloosa, G, and my credit cards are missing.”
@G @Charles Barkley: “Looks like there’s a crimson tide leaking out of your noggin.”
- A whole shit load of clip packages air. “Fuck this,” I observe and then KAPOW! A brick nearly misses me, hits the FFW button on my remote control, as my secret assailant whispers, “No one wants to rewatch shit again. Carry on.” Jorge of BWF Radio is on my balcony again He notices the clips, jumps aboard a flying DeLorean and travels into the future (Did you notice I didn’t link BWF Radio that time?). Of course you can listen here. K-Lu style. Or Cthulhu style. Cena may have fucked both when he was married, since the internet never lies and alpha males never cheat. LOL, interwebs… “you so awesome.”
Steeeeeeeeerike 3! Baller 1 successfully interviews ADR (w/ Ric-Rod) about never being pinned by Big Show. ADR is confident that he can do it, and Ricardo Rodriguez chants “Si! Si! Si!”. I’m convinced.
- * The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho. Can Jericho get a good match out of Show? Ugghhh… fuck I hope so. To be honest 3 minutes in, Show is working pretty hard and Jericho is on spot… Show goes beyond the monster role, bumping to Jericho like the claims he made to start the show as the upper card guy he should be. A nice moment has Show missing a second rope elbow drop, Jericho follows up with a Lionsault, Y2J attempts the Codebreaker, BUT FUCKING NO! Show catches him and avoids the finisher. Attempt at a Walls of Jericho, reversed into a WMD… “BALL GAME!” shouts JBL (and Joe is seen in the crowd holding up a sign noting, “I love that catchphrase!”). Show pins Jericho clean FTW. ADR w/ Ric-Rod stand at the top of the ramp staring puñales into Show as…
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
Matt Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerike 3! goes to interview me, but the WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Tags: 6 Million Dollar Man, Adr, AJ Lee, Alberto Del Rio, Apartheid In South Africa, Basket Ball, BCS Championship, Blue Hell, Booker T, Brock Lesnar, Brodus Clay, Calgary Alberta, Charles Barkley, Chris Jericho, Closed Captioning, CM Punk, Crimson Tide, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dollar Man, Dribble, Duane Eddy, Fandango, Final Stretch, Fozzy, Frisbees, Grock, Heroic Behavior, James Storm, Jerry Lawler, Jinder, John Cena, Kane, Kanyon, Mickie Rourke, Mork, Nap Time, Orange Paint, Paul Heyman, Paul Wight, Play By Play, Ppv, Randall Keith Orton, Randy Orton, Raw Deal Card Game, Ric-Rod, Ricardo Rodriguez, Ryback, Sandbox, Screaming Bloody Murder, Second Watch, SmackDown, Snack Time, Spork, Steve Austin, Strawberry Yogurt, super-soaker filled with motor oil, The Ghost of Teddy Long, the rock, Tow Truck Driver, University of Alabama mugging, Voiceover, Winnipeg Manitoba Canada, Y2j