RYTMANS RAW RECAP (RAW 03/04/2013)

Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.

We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.

From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.

Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion.  He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker.  Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.

Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?

Cue Big Show.  He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch.  He makes a claim to the streak.

Cue Sheamus.  He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker.  It’s going to take more to break the Streak.  It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck.  Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.

Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.

Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!

Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?  

We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.

U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK

We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro.  He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL!  He follows up with a rant in Swiss.

FEED ME MORE!

Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide.  So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…

BREAK

Cesaro is in control as we come back.  Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.

WINNER: RYBACK

Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title.  Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.

The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match.  There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.

MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER

Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday.  Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.

WINNER: MARK HENRY

Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!

And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.

Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!

BREAK

We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring.  Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!

DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR

Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things.  Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped.  Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.

BREAK

Dolph is in control when we come back.  We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight.  Miz fights back, gets a near-fall.  Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee.  Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper.  Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring.  The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz.  Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect.  Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head.  Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt.  Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.

WINNER: THE MIZ

Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.

Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next

BREAK

IF YA SMELL…

WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight!  Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide.  Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket.  Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice.  Then he got off the plane here…

“Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock

Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO!  Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue.  On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.

“You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena

John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed.  The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance.  John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around.  It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week.  It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history.  This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.

“I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena

Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania.  Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock.  Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…

“You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock

Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)

“In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)

Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.

Rock retorts with a quote of his own…

“Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)

“He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock

In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.

Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry.  Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena.  Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.

Fatal 4-way later tonight

BREAK

Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.

Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!

JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-

Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends.  Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle.  Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.

NO CONTEST

Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.

We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.

BREAK

We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)

The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.

Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming.  Kane tags in and takes over on Young.  Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring.  While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.

WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!

DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth.  Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.

Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!

Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight.  Nice change of pace.  Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!  

BREAK

We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring.  We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN!  Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.

Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him.  Slater runs him down saying…

“You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater

BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)

The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.

WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)

HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face.  Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.

FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!

BREAK

We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.

Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!

Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out.  FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again.  After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.

“Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.

BREAK

We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.

After that, it’s time to play the game…

“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)

WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring.  Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam.  As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal.  He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason.  After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.

He had his reason, and he was ready.  Lesnar thought they were done?

“Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H

He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.

“Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H

Fatal 4-way tonight

BREAK

We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown.  The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.

We go to a promo by the Shield.  Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten.  The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show.  Show got in one cheap shot.  It won’t happen again.

Believe in the Shield.

WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT

Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match.  Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility.  Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over.  Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.

WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight

Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!

BREAK

We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.

There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief.  They wouldn’t call you prejudiced.  Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is.  That’s what being a real American is about.  There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is.  WE THE PEOPLE!

OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?

I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

It’s the D-o-double-g!  With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…

“Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg  

THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA

This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws.  Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.

WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!

After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.

“Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)

BREAK

We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.

“You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler

We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.

Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously.  I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.

A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday.  Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae.  Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits.  Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off.  Punk is in the ring as we…

BREAK

Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.

We come back to a promo for Mania.  Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.

MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS

No one wants to start with Big Show.  Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring.  Show makes quick work of him.  Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down.  Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help.  Show back in, takes them both down.  Show stands alone as we go to…

BREAK

When we come back, the pattern is quickly established.  We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in.  Show takes over with a KO to Punk.  It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out.  Show misses the KO on Sheamus.  Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show.  Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!

WINNER: C.M. PUNK

RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.

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