Hey! They’re in the U.K.! Also known as forced attempts to recreate the chants on RAW after WrestleMania 29 Land! YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! Has anyone else noticed they changed Fandango’s music and added crowd noise? I did. Let’s get to “entertainment you” of a show. Hopefully Shannon Moore makes a surprise return? Only one way to find out. So step up on that stool and strap on your noose , folks…. It’s hopping time!
Ok, it can’t be THAT bad. Nobody kill yourself, it’s just fucking wrestling. Go bitch about it on the internet like everybody else. That’s how we roll, peeps.
In all seriousness, there will be a much watch match on this show, as you probably already know.
Smackdown time… I guess.
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
-I hear a knock on my door.
“Who is it,” I ask.
“ADR with the Armbreaker on Swagger last week, ma’am” the voice responds.
I reply, “I didn’t order that, who is this really?”
Again, coldly, “No DQ match tonight between the two on the path to Extreme Rules.”
“Wait a second…” I begin
The voice responds, “The Shield defeated a Deadman and two friends on RAW, maam”
“I saw that, what of it?” I reply.
“First time in over 3 years on RAW, Maam,” the voice replies, “On Smackdown tonight against Ambrose.”
“That sounds pretty nope,” I Ambrose back, “I know who you are, you’re that land shark!”
“5 Star Meltzer classic, maam.” my mystery voice over guy proclaims.
“Oh in that case…” I say opening the door to my demise. Hilarity ensues.
- * No DQ Match: Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio. I don’t know how interested I am about this one at all. To be honest, I’m hardly watching it at all. I got stuck at work super late, and need to get my dishwasher loaded and going. It’s not like we haven’t seen this match twice every week for the last three months anyways. Only two more months to go! I catch most of it, however. It’s rather decent, involving all elements of their movesets within the context of a no-DQ match. Kendo Sticks, chairs, and ladders, as well as handler interference all come into play. For a very long time, there is a chair wedged between the upper ropes in a corner. They tease and tease it, with the camera angle exploiting the visual. When it eventually is used, it’s for a mild shoulder ram on ADR. This match felt kind of like that chair tease, ergo, the payoff was not very good. Swagger wins with a powerbomb. See? 2 months to go…
This made me tear up in laughter, it’s so wrong. George stayed safe. So did Jorge. But not Whore-Hey. He jumped onto the tracks and died too. Because of herpes, and not being on facebook. You thought it was because of a subway train, admit it. “Nope,” I Ambrose, “It was A TRAIN! “Sweet T! BAH GAWD, SWEET T, KING!” King, “Now with added crabs for your regular intake of protein. Even I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about right now either. Believe in The Shield!” Roman Reigns marbles, “AHijshgfjdhfiuwhdfsafihargh!!!!!”
- * Layla vs. Aksana (Kill the wrestling fans dead match). J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a world map with an arrow pointing to Miami Beach, Florida. He then holds up another sign noting, “They just told us they are here in London, UK. Why in the hell would they not announce Layla (got me on my knees…) as from there?” I hold up my own sign because this match is bullshit. My sign extends into the heavens where St. Peter is doing a keg-stand with Joe’s soul. They grab said sign, and carry it back in time to Tuesday, appearing on the Titantron like Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Darth Vadar at the end of Return of the Jedi… but only J.T. can see them. They hold up the blessed sign that states, “Because BWF Radio selected Aksana as the worst wrestler anywhere, anytime, ever. Tune into BWF Radio every week at Sunday 2PM EST on Mixlr or download it at boredwrestlingfan.com or on iTunes.” Layla wins because Aksana pins herself or some shit. Nobody fucking cares. Then a Bella’s ad for some show no one cares about either airs.
Which one is Brodus? Which one is Sweet T?
- A Shield video airs.
Ambrose: Ambrose. Monday night we stood face to face with the tag team champions, Team Hell No, and the phenom himself, The Undertaker.
Rollins: And what happened? What always happens! Justice prevailed and the Shield were victorious.
Reigns: We broke the unbreakable, it’s an injustice that Team Hell No are still holding the tag team titles.
Rollins: Not for long, the true injustice is that the Undertaker escaped RAW with his soul still intact.
Ambrose: Not for long, we said what we were going to do on Monday night. But it still.. it still feels like somethings missing. We don’t feel total satisfaction. I think it’s ’cause The Deadman is still walking. Still breathing. Tonight I face the Undertaker one on one, and I’ve got an itch that still needs scratching. I’m going to do what nobody’s been able to do in 21 WM’s, I’m going to beat the Undertaker. You’d better believe that, if it’s the last thing I do, I’M GOING TO BEAT THE UNDERTAKER TONIGHT AND JUSTICE, not you… will be immortal.
Rollins: Undertaker, at the hands of The Shield, you will not rest in peace.
Reigns: But you will argle bargle in the derp.
At first glance, you may assume this is the Miz’s title. But you’d be wrong.
- Jorge doesn’t even tap this week, he just opens the sliding glass door and runs in. “It’s time for a ThinkSoZombieJoe sighting? You tweeted me that you have some Ruffles All Dressed chips for me?” he says.
“Sure do,” I reply, “pull up a seat, and let’s watch the small groups of fans attempt to recreate the New Jersey post Mania atomosphere.”
Way to leave an old man hanging. Oh shit… he scratched his nose. This is bad. More to follow. Stay tuned.
- * Fandango vs. Justin “The Apartheid Werewolf Sympathizer” Gabriel. Fandango is beating off Gabriel (Cock Talk, up next on BWF Radio! Be there, right, man!). “Holy shit!” screams Jorge with chip particles spraying everywhere, “Gabriel landed a sick kick to Fandango’s skull!” I concur, but then watch Fandango resort to his Hogan top leg rope legdrop of doom to finish the werewolf off in about 3 minutes. Post match, we get Fandango on the microphone saying his name, Beyonce style. The crowd seems WAY more into it on the panaramic view and a ten part sign is seen in the audience on the hard cam.
Jorge: “Plant?” asks Jorge.
G: “I’ve probably got some in the freezer we can Swagger,” I answer.
G: “Evan Bourne.”
G: “Hey check out J.T. in the audience with ThinkSoZombieJoe holding up a sign that says “FuckDingo Can Go…” and “Devour Frank the Clown, I just ate Markout Man.”
Jorge: “That was kind of Shakespearean, you know, like a ‘play within a play.’”.
G: “Yeah, I do that every fucking week. Hey, pass the All-Dressed this way.”
Jorge: “One second… I’ve got to go check on my hydrofoil on the balcony.”
- And just like that, Jorge is gone with my extra large bag of Ruffles, sailing on the high seas on the land-locked prairie province of Alberta, Canada. Some say that on a wintry night you can hear the wind whispering, “Bring back Stampede Wrestling.”
Great. Old man/woman pee everywhere. You know how hard that is to clean up? I told you not to leave him hanging. Fuck you golf and your green jackets.
- * Sheamus vs. Big Show. Sheamus teaches kids math at home early on while I count the numbers of fucks I give about this match. Sheamus? He gets ten. Me? Pass the Coke Zero. Actually, just pass me the coke. Fuck, this is a big man brawler special. And if you like those, you probably would enjoy this. They get a double segment, and the pace picks up a bit in the second half. J.T. is seen in the audience ordering a cheese burger, since the WWE drove through a great opportunity to turn Orton at WM29. He dangerously drives off through the audience without paying, only to realize the idiot at the second window gave him a fish meal. Mark Henry distracts Sheamus whilst upon the top rope, and the confused face turns his attention towards uplifted steel steps. Good job yogurt man. Your inability to focus on the work at hand allowed The Large Show to launch a Weapon of Mass Destruction into your skull and pin you. Or at least that will be written down in the annuls of “Matches We’ve Already Seen A Fuckload of Times” for generations to read and question our love of this so-called-sport. Sigh. This was passable.
@Charles Barkley @G: “I didn’t have time for wrestling this week, the NBA playoffs are on.”
@G @Charles Barkley: “With the NHL playoffs starting next week, I’ll be in the same skates.”
- I take a fucking break. I need it. Alcohol was involved.
- * Non-Title Match: Wade Barrett vs. William Regal. This better be fucking good, because Regal’s only got so many of these left in him. Wade has agreed to leave his mid-sized business transactions out of this match so G can just watch and not make any retarded jokes. J.T. is seen in the audience, holding up a sign that says, “G, you sold out, bitch.” I immediately run across the room, across shards of broken particles of All-Dressed Ruffles chips, and write with the Jiffy Marker filled with the ink of lies upon my television set: “Nah dude, it’s like 1:30 AM and I’m tired as fuck. Going ‘Lo-Ki’ on this shit. G needs sleep badly, G is about to die. And the fucking Deadman hasn’t even wrestled yet.” Meanwhile, ThinkSoZombieJoe takes exception to that comment and kills half the audience in protest. G fears no zombie. I’m coming for you, zombie.
- The actual match: Wade makes reference to a grave robbery, I guess it’s famous. Regal is the body (isn’t that Jesse?). Don’t care. They get underway, and have a great squash. Barrett kills him in under a minute with the Bullhammer Souvenir thingy.
This is The Sun Dog. Premise: “Kevin Delevan receives a Sun 660 Polaroid camera for his fifteenth birthday. He soon notices that there is something strange about the camera: the only photographs it produces are of a malicious, feral black dog that seems to move closer with each shot as though to attack the person who is taking the pictures.” Last week on BWF Radio, I mixed up this as the fourth short story with “The Body” by Stephen King. I fucked up. i guess it’s suicide again for me, said no one ever except Moe Sizlak. It actually was in the collection “Different Seasons.” The fourth story NOT made into film, it was called, “The Breathing Method.” I fucked up. Fuck you, I admitted to it.
Also. Don’t commit suicide. Get help. Dieing always ruins your day. Also, because you read this paragraph aloud, The Sun Dog cometh.
- * Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
Joe: This is going to be the easiest thing we’ve ever done.
Jorge: Aren’t you a zombie? The fuck? Aren’t I in G’s apartment watching Smackdown? Or has that even happened yet? Will it? This shit is way too much like flashback of tainted Coffee flavored Barrett Barrage Energy bars and expired milk!!!!”
J.T. is seen in the vortex holding up a sign that is ripped away from his hands due to the vortex. That’s what they do. It’s shitty because that sign was the answer to “Why?”
Jorge: Ok, now everyone’s confused. G?
G: I’m not here.
Joe: Yes you are
G: That doesn’t make sense, this can’t be BWF Radio at 2 PM EST live on Mixlr and downloadable on iTunes, also available of course, at boredwrestlingfan.com. But the replay.
Jorge: I refuse to be comedic relief this week.
G: Time for “Cock Talk” and thinking about the conversation we’re having right now….
G: “Right, troops?”
Joe: Why is the Rock back lactating motor oil all over Randy Orton?
Jorge: Micheal Bay.
J.T.: I’m seen in the audience, holding up a sign: “I invented signs. And audiences, brother, dude, brother. I invented PEOPLE! Without the pythons, Joe would have no food!”
Joe: [sings the Fandango theme, or some shit. Bullet points...]
- I suppose this, is fresh to a degree. At this point, I only want to see the main event. Too late, too tired. Will I give this a fair shake? Nope. FFW speed 2/5 at least for a bit. Just before I do.. look into the eyes of Mark Henry as he makes his way to the ring, and I see something that I’ve read about for years. Respect. Safety. Compassion. This is a man who is in the Twilight of his career and doesn’t sparkle. He’s a guy who cares about the safety of his opponent. I respect that. I watch this match thoroughly out of respect for him, not because I want to. Orton’s persona sickens me. This match is slow as fuck, but Henry works hard, he even takes the dangling DDT for the robot. The match is decent, but out runs Sheamus to interfere and cost Henry the match with a Brogue Kick. Orton hits his RKO anyways and the WWE plays his stupid head-voices music post match. Pretty sure the ref called a DQ. Henry for the win. I cry inside for Henry, or maybe that’s internal bleeding. Not sure. Either or.
This is started to get ri-fucking-diculos.
- RAW rebound crap airs. Ryback and Cena stuff. This is just cutting (for Bieber) into the main event time now. Not cool. If I had a Nickleback for every time I Celine Dion this kind of crap on WWE, I’d have a Simple Plan. Sum 41 million dollars in my bank account. Avril’s almost over, mon ami. Mai I encourage you to root for the Montreal Canadiens in the playoffs?
* The Undertaker vs. Dean Ambrose. Taker gets a very cool, but long entrance. Are you surprised? There goes ten minutes. The Shield do their usual entrance through the arena. Notable, that Ambrose shirks off the first pat on the back like an attack from the audience member. Then Team Beta just accept the love from the locals. The Shield is over in London. Jorge, J.T., ThinkSoZombieJoe, Rytman, and G are all seen in the audience munching popcorn and doing whiskey shots. Drowgoddess, Alycat, and Jamie Kennedy are seen also, holding up three signs that say, “Let’s” “Do” “This”. BWF Radio, every Sunday, etc.
- This is an awesome match. Ambrose reluctantly enters into the ring to face the deadman. He scrambles about, feeling out the situation as the rest of the Shield attempts to fuck with the former American Badass. Utilizing outside ring strategy, Ambrose is kept alive, surviving a guillotine legdrop. Ambrose is enabled to unleash youthful fury upon Taker with speedy enthusiasm, and swarming techniques. What really stands out here, is how Ambrose emotes between safely executed spots as a threat. Every movement meant something. That’s a sign of skill. No movement is wasted. Brilliant. Ambrose ultimately submits to the Hell’s Gate and wins.
- Post match, Undertaker attempts battle The Shield, but they will have none of it. Ambrose screams at him “You didn’t beat me!”. The Shield powerbomb Taker into the announce table and likely into WrestleMania XXX.
- That was fucking awesome.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!
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Tags: Adr, AJ Lee, Alberto Del Rio, Ambrose, Booker T, Brock Lesnar, Brodus Clay, Chants, Charles Barkley, CM Punk, Crowd Noise, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Deadman, Del Rio, Extreme Rules, Fandango, Hilarity, Jerry Lawler, John Cena, Kane, Land Shark, Maam, Meltzer, Mystery Voice, Noose, Paul Heyman, Play By Play, Randall Keith Orton, Ric-Rod, Ricardo Rodriguez, Ryback, Seriousness, Shannon Moore, super-soaker filled with motor oil, Surprise Return, Swagger, The Ghost of Teddy Long, the rock, Two Friends, Wrestlemania