To think, this is where it all started, just over five years ago, as I demanded to know where my cut of Vince McMahon’s money was. Yes, the first real article was about an episode of RAW where you could “Win Vince McMahon’s Money.” Remember that? Seemed like longer ago that all that happened, but it seems like yesterday that I launched this site. Here I am five years later, and we’re talking about RAW and Vince McMahon again. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
First 30 quick recap: We recap the McMahon family saga to kick things off, and we’re set to go with Triple H vs. Curtis Axel! Vince McMahon stops the match and awards it to Axel via disqualification. Triple H restarts the match. McMahon stops it and awards it to Axel via forfeit. Triple H restarts it as a 60 minute iron man match. McMahon orders Axel and Paul Heyman to leave, then takes Justin Roberts’ microphone and Mark Yeaton’s bell. Stephanie then pleads with Triple H backstage not to beat the crap out of Vince. Then we’re set for singles action as the WWE United States Champion Dean Ambrose takes on Kane…
Dean Ambrose vs. Kane
Ambrose is not joined by the other members of The Shield, nor is Kane joined by Bryan or Orton. Though, if you watch the WWE App, you can watch Bryan and Orton watch this match. Doesn’t that sound like fun, kids?!? Kane starts rolling, but Ambrose avoids a chokeslam. Kane is assaulted by Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns, but is rescued by Bryan and Orton. Kane apparently wins by DQ.
Michael Cole tells us to watch the Payback kickoff, which will feature Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow this Sunday.
You can vote now on whether Daniel Bryan faces Seth Rollins or Roman Reigns. The loser will face Orton. Get on your WWE App right now and vote!
I voted for Kodos. Who did everybody else vote for? Seth Rollins. 66% vs. 34% for Reigns. The matches happen later. If I had to pick one, I’d have voted for Rollins too. That should be awesome.
Last Friday on SmackDown, Daniel Bryan dropkicked Randy Orton, and then caught an RKO. Backstage, Bryan and Orton are arguing. Kane says it’s not a fight Bryan wants to pick. Both of them are facing members of The Shield tonight, so the last thing they need to do is to be ordering… fish… meals. Vickie Guerrero has made it official. Bryan and Orton are facing Rollins and Reigns for the WWE Tag Team Championship, much to Kane’s chagrin. Vickie is giving him a US Title match against Dean Ambrose. Kane says he always did like Vickie, and gives her a big hug.
Oh great. It’s The Miz. Breaking news when we come back as pertains to the Intercontinental Championship match this Sunday at Payback.
Wade Barrett is on commentary, and we found out that Fandango suffered a concussion, and therefore he won’t be in the Intercontinental Championship match this Sunday. So, once again, it’ll be The Miz vs. Wade Barrett for the title.
The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes
Do I really have to cover this? We know who’s going to win. For some ungodly reason, Miz gets pushed while Cody gets jobbed out. FFW. Miz-Can’t-Figure-It-Out-For-The-Life-Of-Him for the victory. Barrett goes to attack, but he’s interrupted by… Paul Heyman?
Vickie Guerrero authorized him to inform them that even though Fandango cannot compete this Sunday, there will be a triple threat match for the Intercontinental Championship. The other challenger will be the man who has beaten Jericho, Cena, and Triple H, Curtis Axel! Axel says that the perfect ending to the match this Sunday will be Curtis Axel the new Intercontinental Champion.
Next week on RAW, we could be returning to the Hall of Pain, because Mark Henry is apparently coming back.
We’ll hear from Chris Jericho, NEXT!
Short Attention Span theater: Vince McMahon stole the bell so Triple H couldn’t restart his match.
Stephanie is trying to get Vince’s attention. Vince doesn’t care. Vince says Triple H made Stephanie cry. She says Vince made her cry. They both care about WWE, and business comes first. Vince says that she should keep Triple H away from him. She asks if Vince will talk to him. Vince reiterates Triple H’s comments that he wouldn’t like what he says or the way he says it. Now if you’ll excuse him, he has a show to run into the ground.
Jericho finally finds the entrance and makes his way to the ring. Last Friday on SmackDown Jericho got distracted by CM Punk’s music, allowing Curtis Axel to pin him. Jericho says his best opponent is CM Punk. Jericho wants Punk’s best, and either way neither one of them will EVER be the same again. Then he’s interrupted by the World Heavyweight Champion, Dolph Ziggler. He almost had his title taken from him due to a concussion, but he earned it. At Payback, he’ll prove that Del Rio is outclassed by Ziggler in every possible way. Jericho says Sunday is a long way away, since it’s Monday. Jericho offers him a tune-up match to shake off a little ring rust. Ziggler says if Jericho wants a match, he’s got it – against Big E Langston.
Chris Jericho vs. Big E Langston
The match is on when we get back. It started on the app, where Jericho hurt his knee. That app is dangerous! Screw this, I found a superball. It bounces really high! Weeeee! Langston goes for the Big Ending, but Del Rio attacks Ziggler from behind, distracting Big E, and Jericho nails the Codebreaker for the victory.
Am I really only halfway through this show? I really don’t feel like sitting here any longer. Especially now that they’re shilling their magazine app that doesn’t work on Android. And then I’m reminded that Bryan will face Rollins.
And a reason to tune out – Sin Cara is in the ring. Zeb Colter is on commentary. Antonio Cesaro is on his way to the ring, so once again I have reason to stay tuned.
Antonio Cesaro vs. Sin Cara
Cesaro isn’t wearing his leg wraps. Colter insists that Sin Cara snuck across the border wearing his mask. Whereas Cesaro came here legally. Colter says WWE Management is to blame for Swagger’s injury. Then he rants about T-Mobile. I’m not making this up. Sin Cara hits a sick looking sunset flip powerbomb. Cesaro takes control, and a Neutralizer puts Sin Cara down for the count.
WYATT FAMILY VIGNETTE! Seems like the same one from last week.
Later tonight, Ryback and Cena go face to face.
Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox are eating Hardees and chatting with Vince McMahon. McMahon doesn’t want the Ryback/Cena face to face thing to happen, but since it’s advertised it has to happen. Maddox suggests having the lumberjacks out there to keep them apart. McMahon says it’s a good idea, and for Vickie to share her burger with Maddox.
Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
Orton comes out first, and then Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring, doing his old “YES” gimmick. Reigns is flanked by Rollins, so the odds are even to kick things off. FFW! Orton hits the elevated DDT, but as Orton sets up for the RKO, Rollins attacks Bryan and then goes after Orton. Orton goes for an elevated DDT on Rollins, who escapes with Reigns’ help, and Bryan hits a suicide dive on both of them. The bell rings, and the match is ruled a no contest. Orton and Reigns get out of the ring and…
Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins
This should be awesome. So, fuck you, review, I’m sitting back and watching this shit while vomiting rainbows. Wow! What a match this one was! Counter after counter, hold after hold, and Bryan finally scores the win with a rollup. Awesome match! Afterward, Orton drops Rollins with an RKO.
Short attention span theater: FFW!
Up next, we find out who Kaitlyn’s secret admirer is – and despite the Simpsons references in recent articles, it’s not me.
Special Olympics video. FFW.
Kaitlyn is in the ring, and she invites her secret admirer to show himself. This is a PG show, Kaitlyn. Big E Langston’s music hits, and he comes out with a bouquet of flowers. Kaitlyn looks skeptical. What’s to worry about, the guy who reveals himself as your secret admirer is the bodyguard of the girl who wants to steal your title. He gives her the flowers and takes the mic. He says he knows it’s unexpected, and it’s hard for him, especially after what happened earlier. People only see him as a big bad tough guy, but honestly he cares about more than that. He cares about Kaitlyn. He says she’s all he can think of. He embraces her, leans in to kiss her, and tosses her to the canvas. AJ’s music hits, and the number one contender for the Diva’s Championship makes her way to the ring. She asks Kaitlyn how she’s feeling. Worthless? Alone? Broken? That’s how AJ felt when Kaitlyn abandoned her. She’s let men hurt her for the last year of her life, and where was her best friend? Chasing the Diva’s Title. Shattered glass can cut you pretty deep if you handle it wrong. Kaitlyn says AJ is crazy. AJ says she’s smart. Maybe Kaitlyn can beat her in the ring, but AJ can beat her mentally. AJ says Kaitlyn is trash and has no one. The only thing she has worth anything is the Divas title, and she won’t even have that come Sunday. Kaitlyn finally has enough and assaults AJ. You can read these words here, but AJ was great in this promo, it’s worth checking out for yourself.
WYATT FAMILY VIGNETTE!!! A NEW ONE!!! Can’t wait for Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan to debut on RAW! Might make this show watchable for more than the 20 minutes Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins are on.
Damien Sandow is out for this next match, which is brought to us by Hardees. Damien Sandow has been winning a battle of wits with Sheamus, and this Sunday he will prove he is Sheamus’ physical superior as well, by annihilating him the same way he’ll annihilate his opponent tonight. His opponent is R-Truth. Where the hell has this dude been? And why do they keep giving the dude that had the heart attack the greasy fried food?!?
Damien Sandow vs. R-Truth
Well, the longer this goes, the shorter the Cena/Ryback thing will be. On the other hand, Sandow needs a win here, so a quick one might regain him some credibility. Sandow hits The Silencer to pick up the win.
Sheamus makes his way out to congratulate Sandow on his victory, but more importantly, he came out because Sandow got his attention on SmackDown. He threatens to kick Sandow’s head off at the Payback Kickoff.
Stephanie McMahon sends somebody to find Vince for her because she wants to talk business with him in their office. She tells another guy to find Triple H about personal business in their office.
Kofi Kingston will be out up to 8 weeks, thanks to Ryback. Who’s highlight package I’m not sitting through. FFW.
The Lumberjacks for Sunday’s three stages of hell match are out to keep the peace between Cena and Ryback. There’s a ton of them.
Vince McMahon and Triple H are arguing when we get back. Stephanie yells at them to work it out. Vince tells Trips to do the right thing, and that he’s bigger than a match with Curtis Axel. Vince says that just to show he’s the bigger man, he’s giving Triple H the match with Curtis Axel next week. Triple H says that Vince is right, he doesn’t want the match with Curtis Axel. Vince says he’d like to see the match. Triple H says he doesn’t want the match. Stephanie suggests a group hug. They reluctantly agree. Where’s Dr. Shelby when we need him?
Back in the ring – you know, that place where this show is supposed to take place – The Lumberjacks have surrounded the ring and John Cena makes his way out for his face to face with Ryback. Ryback, of course, comes out in the Ambulance as he has since the RAW after Extreme Rules. Ryback stops in the aisle and backs up. Cena questions Ryback’s understanding of the concept of face-to-face. This is boring. Ryback complains about getting screwed out of the WWE title three times. Cena babbles back about the Champ being here. Cena says Payback’s a bitch and tries to go after Ryback, but the Lumberjacks keep him in the ring. Ryback charges down, but Cena tosses him out. The Lumberjacks get in the ring and pull them apart as best they can, but it’s not good enough. They seem to finally have the peace when RAW goes off the air.
Thoughts: Three hours is FAR TOO LONG for this show. I’m done. Good night. Slam Jam uploaded tomorrow, Derrick Bateman interview uploads Wednesday!
Tags: Ambrose, Axel, Chokeslam, Daniel Bryan, Entire Show, Family Saga, Iron Man Match, Justin Roberts, Kane Dean, Kickoff, Mcmahon Family, Orton Kane, Paul Heyman, Raw Reviews, Rollins, S Bell, Singles Action, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Wwe Raw