Last week ended on a positive note. I had hope that things were looking up for WWE. Then I watched the first 30 minutes of this show. Now I’m dreading watching the rest of it. My night has been pretty good so far though, what with the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup over my most hated NHL team, the Boston Bruins and all. Oh well, fuck it. Let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then instead of tormenting myself by watching the first 30 over again, I write down the gist of it and then watch the rest of the show. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
Daniel Bryan kicks off the show. He says he wants to pin Randy Orton or make him tap out. Orton tells him to shut up and fight. So they do. To a double disqualification. Bryan convinces Team Brickie to give him a rematch later on in the show. Vince McMahon then intimidates Brickie. Rhodes Scholars lose to the team of Christian and Sheamus, and we find out that it’s a Belfast Brawl (or something to that effect, I was out of the room, intentionally ignoring the fact that Christian is back) between Sheamus and Damien Sandow on SmackDown this Friday. CM Punk is looking for Paul Heyman or Brock Lesnar but gets Vickie Guerrero, who tells him he’s got a match, though he doesn’t seem to care. Then we get a rematch between Kaitlyn and Aksana, which is won by Kaitlyn, despite the distraction of her own music playing throughout half of the match. Which brings us to where I left off when I left the house…
AJ comes out dressed as Kaitlyn. She mocks Kaitlyn for losing her Divas Championship and being fooled by her “secret admirer,” which brings out Big E Langston. They re-enact, horribly, the reveal segment a couple of weeks ago. This is really a must watch segment. AJ and Kaitlyn have really made the Divas division worth watching in recent weeks.
WYATT FAMILY VIGNETTE! Hope for RAW temporarily restored!
In case you missed it the : Mark Henry fooled everybody. Including you. Don’t lie, you thought he was retiring at some point during that speech.
Chris Jericho (who still owes us an interview) is out first for his rematch with Alberto Del Rio. You know, the match that just happened on SmackDown this past Friday. That’s the theme tonight, rematches. Hence the title of this article. Ricardo makes fun of the rednecks in South Carolina before introducing Del Rio. New Rule: That old Del Rio rule doesn’t apply anymore. He didn’t deserve it in the first place. Dolph Ziggler gets his rematch for the World Championship at Money In The Bank.
Chris Jericho vs. Alberto Del Rio
I can already predict that Ziggler is going to get involved somehow, so I’m really not into this match. Only reason I don’t FFW is because I’m at work and expecting to be busy in just a few minutes, so I don’t want to get into writing about what happens and get interrupted. That happens enough during these reviews. Del Rio absolutely thwacks Jericho in the back of the head with a kick as I check on the repair status of my drowned cell phone. Note to self, check pockets before getting in the pool. This match is actually halfway decent and gets some time. I like the heel Del Rio World Title run slightly better than the face Del Rio title run. That’s not saying much though. Like saying I like the Pittsburgh Penguins slightly better than the Boston Bruins. Did I say I was expecting to be busy at work? Becuase I was. Holy shit was I. Fixing other people’s mistakes – that’s my job, and I’m pretty good at it sometimes! Anyways, Del Rio locks in the cross armbreaker, and Jericho manages to inch his way to the ropes, then reversed the armbreaker into a Walls of Jericho! Ricardo whacks Jericho with his bucket, and ADR gets disqualified. Ziggler runs in and attacks Del Rio, Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Ricardo, Ziggler hits a Zig Zag on Del Rio. Ziggler and Jericho stare each other down as Jericho is announced the winner via disqualification. They cautiously approach each other, then Ziggler drops Y2J with a Zig Zag, payback for last Friday on SmackDown!
Backstage, Brickie are discussing whether or not to cancel Daniel Bryan’s match with Randy Orton later on tonight. Triple H walks in and says he heard about that and thinks it’s a terrible idea. He says it doesn’t matter what the people backstage think, it matters what the WWE Universe thinks, and they think they want to see Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton tonight. Triple H doesn’t want her to only have the match, he wants to give the WWE Universe to pick the stipulation. Wait – didn’t we do this last week?
WWE 2K14 cover reveal is up next! I wonder who’s on it? As if we didn’t know.
Oh, and Jerry Lawler and Brickie are presenting it. Because when I think video games, I think Vickie Guerrero, Brad Maddox, and Jerry “The King” Lawler. There’s a contest this year. We can design and create a cover for the video game, and the winner will be put on the flip side of every copy. You can go to WWE.2K.com for the details. Vickie excuses Lawler, and says having our voices heard is very important. Then she gets drowned out by the fans in Charleston. She reveals the stipulations you can vote for on the Orton/Bryan rematch. Street Fight, Lumberjack Match, or Falls Count Anywhere. I would go for Falls Count Anywhere if I could actually vote. She’s designed her own cover for WWE2K14. Her cover has Triple H, and Vince and Stephanie McMahon on it. Brad Maddox has made his own cover – it’s him with CM Punk and John Cena. Lawler interrupts and suggests we see the real cover. The cover unfurls, and it’s Dwayne on the cover. As if you didn’t know that already. I like the Brad Maddox cover better. The singer from The Butcher Babies is now following me on twitter. That’s more exciting.
Ryback is back. NEXT!
Ryback makes his entrance. He’s still a heel, even though he was doing just fine as a face before the turn. He’s facing the Mediocre Khali. Yay.
The Great Khali (w/ Natalya & Hornswoggle) vs. Ryback
It’s 3AM as I watch this. FFW! Ryback wins with the Shell Shocked.
Much to the chagrin of everybody except for a giddy girl in a Maven t-shirt, John Cena is here. John Cena asks to let it rain down on him. You want rain, buddy, go to Calgary. I hear they found the head of the Flames’ mascot in the aftermath of the flood today. The head of the costume, that is, not the dude who wears it. Cena puts over the WWE Championship – which is actually a good thing. He says that Mark Henry’s speech last week was an insult to guys who actually had to retire, guys like Edge, HBK, and Ric Flair. He keeps babbling. I tweet a “thanks for the follow” to the singer from the Butcher Babies. Cena says Mark Henry will find out in three weeks that “Our time is now, and the champ is here.”
We get another RVD promo. It does not contain the classic RVD line, “It was very hot leaving the arena, officer.”
Now it’s time for a triple threat tag team match. Because those never suck, right? Let’s see what we’ve got here. Winners get a shot at Rollins and Reigns. This dude who won an auction, named Scotty Campbell, is out with Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls. This match is next!
3MB are in the house when we get back! There’s a dude in the crowd with an “I came to see 3MB” sign. Sadly, it’s not me. I love those dudes! The Usos don’t have facepaint on this week. Oh wait, yes they do. I really don’t care. Let’s get this over with, shall we?
The Usos vs. Tons of Funk vs. Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre
FFW! The Usos win with a superfly splash on Tensai. Their music plays for about three seconds…
Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, Delta – SHIELD. The tag champs Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins, along with United States Champion Dean Ambrose show off their titles from the crowd.
The Call is now available on DVD and Blu-Ray. We get the old David Otunga calling Halle Berry to tell her he gave Kane her number promo video for it. Where is David Otunga anyway?
Paul Heyman walks in the door, and he’s on his way to the ring, NEXT!
Paul Heyman is storming toward the ring as we re-live Brock Lesnar attacking CM Punk last week. Heyman was watching that footage, and after introducing himself to the audience, he says everybody has been asking him about Lesnar attacking Punk last week. He has ignored CM Punk’s texts and e-mails and phone calls, because unfortunately we live so much of our lives in public, and he wants to do it face to face. He calls out Punk. He doesn’t have to wait long. Punk gives us a Punk/Heyman history lesson. He then tells Heyman that he and Punk are going to come second, because Punk is coming for Brock Lesnar. Lesnar is bigger and stronger but not better, Punk is the best wrestler on the planet. He tells Heyman Brock doesn’t have the balls to show up here tonight. Punk will do whatever it takes to bring Heyman’s beast incarnate down. Punk asks Heyman if Lesnar attacked him on his own, or because Heyman saw the writing on the wall after Payback. Punk demands the truth, whatever that may be. Heyman says he never wanted it to be this way, but because Punk demands the truth and would be able to see through Heyman, and because as Heyman’s best friend, he deserves the truth. On his children, he did not know that Brock Lesnar would be here last week. The moment Punk said that Lesnar needed Heyman’s help, he picked a fight with Brock Lesnar. Heyman says he will walk the aisle with Punk once again, because he loves CM Punk. He’s his best friend in the world. Heyman will never represent anyone against Punk, and that includes Brock Lesnar. He tells Punk he never got rid of him when everybody wanted him to back in OVW, he asks Punk for the same courtesy. ”It’s your move, Punk.” Punk looks around at the fans, who are chanting “GTS” at him. Punk says he’s sorry he doubted Heyman and gives him a hug.
The Prime Time Players are here. It’s Darren Young in singles action – against CM Punk!
CM Punk vs. Darren Young (w/ Titus O’Neil)
I have a feeling that Lesnar will show up here. That’s a guess. Punk isn’t working by the hour – he wants to get back to watching the game, I’m sure. It’s really late and there’s a lot of RAW to go, so FFW! Darren Young hits his finisher, but Punk kicks out. Punk drops Young with a roundhouse and taps him with the Anaconda Vise. O’Neil tries to get at Punk, and then it’s the PTPs with a two on one attack. Curtis Axel runs in to make the save. Punk and Axel take care of the Prime Time Players. Heyman says “we’ll talk about it, there was no other way.” Punk looks disgusted with Heyman for Axel’s help.
Backstage, Vickie is looking for Brad Maddox with her cup of coffee when Stephanie McMahon walks in. She noticed Vickie hasn’t announced the participants for the WWE Championship Money In The Bank ladder match. Vickie apologizes, and Steph says she’ll go do it.
Still to come, Bryan vs. Orton with a stipulation decided by you. Not me. You.
The Bellas are handing out free copies of WWE Magazine. It must be to the Android Tablet users that can’t get the digital issues to work.
Stephanie McMahon makes her way out, and she tells us who are the WWE Championship Money In The Bank participants are. And they are – CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randall Keith Orton, Christian, Kane, and Rob Van Dam.
Backstage, Brad Maddox tells Vickie that he worked with Stephanie on the MITB roster. Ryback walks in and asks to cancel Cena vs. Henry, and make it Cena vs. Ryback again, since he beat Cena in the first fall at Payback. Jericho walks in and he’s upset about not being in his invention, the Money In The Bank ladder match. Ryback takes exception to Jericho’s interruption. Maddox tries to step in, but they glare at him and scare him off. Vickie says if they want a fight, it’s Ryback vs. Jericho at Money In The Bank.
Mark Henry is walking backstage. Can’t wait to hear what he’s got to say!
Backstage, Paul Heyman is apologizing to CM Punk for sending Axel to help. Punk says he doesn’t need help. Next week it will be the Prime Time Players vs. Curtis Axel and CM Punk. Punk doesn’t seem to like that idea. He’ll do it because it’s his fight, and he’ll prove that he doesn’t need anybody. Then he’s coming for Lesnar, then he’s going to win Money In the Bank, then he’s going to win the WWE Championship, and that’s all that matters to him.
Go vote for the Bryan/Orton stipulation. Go right now. What do you mean polls are closed and RAW ended 5 hours ago?!? That’s not fair!
Mark Henry is smiling on his way to the ring. He says he fooled each and every last one of us. He saw all the signs, heard the chants. More than anything, he saw you all cry. Because of his spectacular performance, he’s been nominated for an academy award. He had Tarantino, Spielberg, and Tyler Perry reach out to him. People are very upset with him because he used his friends and family, and he used the other WWE Superstars. He’s not going to apologize to any of them. He’s tired of people telling him what to do. What’s going to happen at Money In The Bank is a no-good, dirty, filthy, lying, cheating Mark Henry is going to show up. Last week he said “honey, I’m coming home.” He’s coming home alright, he’s coming home WWE Champion.
WooHoo! Another Wyatt Family vignette! It’s another repeat one. The suspense is killing me!
Voting is still open. No it’s not. Friday night, it’s Fiesta Del Rio. Unless CM Punk is dressed like a mariachi band performer, I’m not interested.
Jerry Lawler announces the stipulation for the Bryan/Orton rematch. You voted for Kodos. No, you voted for a street fight. Here we go again!
Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton – Street Fight
Only 15 minutes left in the show. Orton’s entrance will take up most of that. Ok, not really. This one could actually be good, because they can do whatever they want, and they can’t get counted out. These used to be called “No Disqualification” matches. Now those have count-outs. It’s actually a pretty solid match, but it’s also 4:30 in the morning and I’m burnt out from 3 hours of RAW and having had to fix other people’s stupid mistakes earlier in the night. Bryan slides through Orton’s legs as he stands on the apron and powerbombs him through a table set up on the floor – very cool spot! Bryan grabs a Singapore Cane from under the ring – fuck your Kendo stick. He starts hitting Orton with kicks and the cane, but Orton catches him and suplexes him through a table set up in the corner of the ring. The two start trading rights, and the fans are clearly behind Bryan, who eats a dropkick from Orton, which is also appreciated by the fans. Bryan manages to lock in the No Lock. Orton crawls for the Singapore Cane, and whacks Bryan several times with it to break the hold, and then several times more after that. Orton drops Bryan with the elevated DDT, but Bryan avoids the RKO by utilizing a backslide for two. Then Bryan assaults Orton with the cane, then locks in the No Lock again. Orton gets the cane again, but Bryan catches it and uses it to stretch Orton, who taps out! Bryan wins!
Bryan celebrates the win, and turns around to a handshake from Orton.
Thoughts: I had one earlier that I wanted to remember to make here, but then I got really busy at work and completely forgot what it was. Let me see if I can figure it out. Oh yeah, I remember. It was that I liked the fact that Ziggler hasn’t said a word (at least into the microphone) since the face turn at Payback. Can’t wait to see him get his hands on Del Rio in an actual match. Daniel Bryan continues to impress, and AJ continues to give me a reason to actually watch the Divas division. Her promo tonight was really good and worth watching. Also, THE WYATT FAMILY ARE COMING!
Tags: Aksana, Boston Bruins, Brock Lesnar, Chicago Blackhawks, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, First 30 Minutes, Kaitlyn, Nhl Team, Own Music, Paul Heyman, Randy Orton, Rerun, Rhodes Scholars, Sandow, Secret Admirer, Stanley Cup, Vince McMahon, Wwe Raw, Wyatt Family