Previously on RAW…
Lesnar attacked Vince.
Vince challenged Heyman to a fight.
Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…
LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas
We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery. Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon
Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves. He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…
“Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl. He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government. He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this. Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch. Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing. He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.
Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
“Is it him?” – Michael Cole
Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return. Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway. Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN! Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail. Triple H goes after him. Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down. Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring. Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring. He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back. Lesnar retreats.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring. RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.
This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!
We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance
RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting. It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll. DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around. DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…
We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again. Ryback fetches him. Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back. BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking. Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head. Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT. Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold. Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off. Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down. Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.
After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga. C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…
We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.
C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning. Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…
“TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk
Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks. He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…
“In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk
Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…
We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.
Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.
MARK HENRY VS. KHALI
Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”
Nothing of a match to speak of; Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post. Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.
Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!
We are back with MIZ TV! Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.
“Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter
Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources. Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts. Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor. Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”
”NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…
“If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio
“We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger
With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.
Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.
Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!
We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.
WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow. Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots. Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two. Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts. Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam. Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker. Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face. Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO. Orton gets the pin.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.
“I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan
Kane responds that HE should handle it.
“I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane
It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…
“EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero
“Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox
Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,) AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that. Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand. Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.
From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.
Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…
Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.
We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie. In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett. We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down. After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene. He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing. Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears. Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub. Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one. Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.
Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary. R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.
CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH
Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody. Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow. Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee. Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down. Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back. Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson. Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three. After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.
We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families. Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family. Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”
Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz
TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back. Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out. Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner. They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop. Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him. Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.
I kill me.
I wish you would.
Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face. Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO
Shield interview next.
We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.
The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.
“It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose
“If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns
“We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor. They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones. The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them. They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?
Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him. Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal. Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE! Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.
Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz
We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.
Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.
JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ
The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum. They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes. Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on. Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.
Cena v. Punk is tonight!
Cena promo next!
We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.
“Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H
Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head. We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.
Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo. Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal. Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.
“Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena
John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry. Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.
We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!
Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED! We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.
AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT! WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!
JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK
Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena. Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.
“LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd
We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs. Punk takes a breather as we go to…
Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner. Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop. Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count. Cena wears down Punk with headlocks. Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock. Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor. Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…
Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena! Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up. Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two. Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two. Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF! Punk escapes and locks in the Vice! Cena counters w/the cross-face! Punk rolls him back for two. Both men spent, down on the mat. Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots. Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head. Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt. Both men get up slowly. Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog. Cena drops him and gets the 5KS. Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two. Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off. Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop. Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two! On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out! Cena beats it barely. Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two! Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes. Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver! For two! Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again. Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler
Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Rock sends Cena congratulations over Twitter.
And we’re out.
DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/VICKI) DEF KOFI KINGSTON (w/R-TRUTH and LITTLE JIMMY) – Before the match begins; R-Truth and “little jimmy” get into an argument with Vicki at ringside. Vicki takes a drink in the face and the referee sends her, Truth and “Jimmy” to the back. The match is a high-flying spot-fest with both men taking huge bumps back and forth. Ziggler sends Kofi head-first into the corner, and gets the three-count with the Zig-Zag.
PRIME TIME PLAYAS DEF RYDER/SANTINO – This is a quick and simple tag match. Titus O’Neal gets a blind tag while Santino sets up the “Cobra” for Darren Young. O’Neal gets the three-count with a spine-buster.
RYBACK DEF THE MIZ – Miz doesn’t get squashed in the true sense, but the end is a foregone conclusion with Ryback crushing him with the “meat hook.” During the match, a fan tries to run in but is taken out fast by security.
WADE BARRETT DEF TYSON KIDD – Little more than a squash. Barrett wins with the “souvenir.”
SHEAMUS, SIN CARA, REY MYSTERIO DEF ALBERTO DEL RIO, DAVID OTUNGA, RICARDO RODRIGUEZ – RAW GM AJ Lee made this match during a backstage segment, explaining to Del Rio and co. that this was their chance to get payback on Sheamus for injuring each of them with the “Brogue Kick.” Match ends with Ricardo taking a 619 and a Swanton from Sin Cara after Sheamus cleans house. Sheamus puts the period on this with a Brogue Kick to Ricardo.
Side Note: At one point, it looked like Sin Cara tagged Sheamus, but Rey was allowed to come in.
Was this a botch perhaps?
EVE/BETH PHEONIX DEF LAYLA/ALICIA FOX – A throwaway tag, with Beth doing most of the work, Eve stealing the win with a neck-breaker, and Layla doing nothing but taking a shot to the face. After the match, Kaitlin comes out, on a crutch with a taped ankle. She says she got a hold of the security camera footage from NOC, and it shows her attacker. You can’t see her face, but you can tell she had blond hair. Eve points the finger at Beth and lays her out with the neck-breaker.
BRODUS CLAY VS TENSAI – NO CONTEST – This match isn’t much more than trading head-butts and missing splashes until THE BIG SHOW makes his return to RAW. He walks down to the ring, clocks both men with the WMD, and just stands there until they play his music.
The show opens with Punk and Heyman in the ring, holding the show hostage. Punk sits while Heyman calls last week’s main event a great injustice, showing us footage of Cena getting the three-count on Punk while his foot was clearly on the ropes. Heyman calls out the referee from last week, referee Maddox. He demands an apology and that Maddox resigns on the spot. Maddox is happy to apologize but will not resign. Punk goes off on him.
“HOW DO YOU WALK DOWN HERE AND PRETEND TO BE A MAN?”-C.M. Punk
Punk calls him an inexperienced scab, and Heyman offers him a blindfold bearing both the NFL and WWE logos. During his rant, Punk calls AJ Lee an “idiot.”
AJ Lee skips down to ringside. In the ring, she sends Maddox to the back. Paul assumes she is here to reverse last week’s decision.
“When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me… but mostly you.” AJ Lee.
AJ Lee tries to shut Punk down, but Punk responds with a demand for respect and a recap of AJ proposing to him last summer. If she agrees to forget about the match last week, he’ll forget about her sending him dirty texts and voice mails, and dares her to tell the audience about their torrid affair.
“I’m the reason there’s a spring in your step!” – C.M. Punk
Heyman steps in here with a MARRAGE PROPOSAL! He offers to make AJ the most powerful woman in WWE. He’ll come up with ideas and she can take the credit. AJ responds with a slap to his face.
I gotta say, I was impressed with AJ here. She was sharing mike time w/two of the best in this business and more than held her own. She came off clever and strong, despite having the least dialogue.
Backstage: Maddox thanks AJ for sticking up for him and apologizes to her as well. She makes it quite clear that if he messes up like that again he will NEVER work in this industry again. She goes into “evil mode” and accuses him of embarrassing her.
After recapping the Kane/Bryan-Rhodes/Sandow issue on Smackdown, we go to a restaurant where Daniel Bryan is with his anger management therapist Dr. Shelby. The doc has arranged a role-play tonight where Kane is “Gerald” and he will be Daniel’s waiter for tonight. Kane goes into a monologue about pulling the beard off the cook’s face and deep frying it, sprinkling a little bit of it on every dish he’s served. After the bit, we’re told we can choose the official name for their tag team as part of RAW-active later tonight.
At this point, I’m declaring this bit dead. They’ve dragged it out as long as they possibly can.
Promo for the Susan Komen foundation and breast cancer awareness month
Mick Foley is tonight’s special guest! He comes out to address the C.M. Punk issue. The C.M. Punk issue comes down to address Foley. In one of the best promo-duels I’ve ever heard, Foley tells Punk that he needs to disregard Heymans’s advice and think for himself, and he needs to face Cena in a Hell in the Cell match to cement his legacy. Punk takes a shot at the crowd and runs down his list of wins over Cena. He says the WWE universe turned on him, and he doesn’t need to risk his health/body/career for them. He’s held the title for over 300 days and will hold it longer. Foley held the title three times for a total of 29 days. Statistics don’t matter, it’s the moments that we show what we’re made of that counts.
Back at the restaurant, Kane and Bryan agree they can never be friends, but they sure did like beating down men with chairs last Friday on Smackdown. Kane slams the table repeatedly to bring back the feeling. Bryan responds with a growing “YES!” chant. Once the reach the… conclusion, we cut to MAE YOUNG!
“I’ll definitely have what they’re having.” – Mae Young.
The next segment is the Jerry Lawler interview with Michael Cole. He is recuperating just fine but doesn’t even remember the match he wrestled last week. He woke up in the hospital thinking he was in Aruba with his girlfriend. He is leaving his return date up to the doctors.
Back at the restaurant, Dr. Shelby has convinced Kane to try a salad, and Bryan to try a meatball, as part of an “understanding” exercise. Kane tries some lettuce and responds with a huge belch. Bryan seems to like the meatball at first, but soon winds up barfing in Dr. Shelby’s lap.
We are given our choices for naming the team.
#Team Hell No
After the break, Kane and Bryan are in the ring waiting the official selection…
#Team Hell No
While Bryan/Kane fight their confusion, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow attack. They leave the champs lying and introduce themselves as “Team Rhodes-Scholars.”
Recap: Heyman proposal to AJ
Our Main Event of the evening; a John Cena Promo!
Cena comes out to thank the WWE universe for their support of the Susan G. Komen foundation and Breast Cancer Awareness month. He apologizes for C.M. Punk’s lies and misrepresentations. Punk comes out to call Cena a lying politician. He gives Cena a choice; five seconds to leave the ring, or get hurt badly. Five seconds later, Cena nails Punk in the stomach with a lead pipe.
Backstage, Punk staggers along the hall, passing Mick Foley. Punk walks back to kick him in the groin, and starts to walk off. He turns to give Foley a piece of his mind, and meets the stare of Ryback.
All in all, pretty basic RAW, with the tease of a Ryback/Punk match up being the only “big” surprise.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I92E-Cpwgh0&feature=player_detailpage[/youtube]After the recap, we jump right into Bully Ray shilling his new twitter account, @Realbully5150. He calls out Joseph Park and accepts his challenge for next week’s impact. All this will be a Anything Goes match except that Ray has a restraining order against Abyss who if he even shows up will be sent to rot in prison. Park is dumbfounded until he’s cheap shoted.
A Double and “H Double” discuss Aries giving up the belt at the end of the night. Which leads us right into a Destination X promo, which is embedded above.
Jason Hervey (Wonder Years for those in the know) attempts to interview Dixie Carter who is more than happy to talk about the New X-Division talent but not eager to talk about Claire Lynch. Talking of that new prospective X-Division talent err.. oh wait
Click to continue reading “iMPACT Wrestling- Road to Destination X”
We open with a recap of No Way Out, showing John Cena victorious over Big Show and Vince McMahon firing Johnny Laurenitis as Cena puts him through a table. Also, Cyndi Lauper guest stars tonight. (Why?)
Mick Foley is here as special guest GM for tonight and Smackdown this Friday! His first official act is booking a tag team match between Kane and Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus and C.M. Punk. Also, we get the farewell address from Johnny Ace.
Big Johnny comes out in a neck brace, a sling, and on a crutch. As he enters the ring, Foley goes in for a hug or pat on the back, which aggravates Johnny’s injuries. Johnny demands the crowd be quiet, they refuse, Johnny ask Mick for help. Mick asks the crowd to quiet down. Mick then claims Johnny said “Long Island Sucks.” Johnny gets fed up and decides to do the speech later, but announces in his last official act as GM of both RAW and Smackdown, he has booked a handicap match with John Cena against Him, David Otunga, and Big Show.
As Johnny leaves, Sheamus makes way to the ring for his big match. He locks eyes with Johnny and smirks. Punk is out next. With the kicking of dirt and the big thumb to the back, he mimics a baseball umpire and tells Johnny “you’re outta here.”
We come back to see a recap of last week when AJ locked lips with Kane, taking him out of the match and giving her and Punk the win.
Kane comes out to the pyro and scary Halloween music, followed by “The Flight of the Valkeries,” and Daniel Bryan. The crowd starts in with the “Yes! Yes! Yes!” chant.
WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK / WORLD’S CHAMPION SHEAMUS VS. DANIEL BRYAN / KANE
This is a fast paced brawl with a lot of high-impact spots. Both Sheamus and Punk play the face in peril, as Kane and Bryan do the most double teaming. The big tide changer is when AJ runs to ringside DRESSED UP EXACTLY LIKE KANE! MASK AND ALL! AJ skips around the ring and back up the stage. Kane follows her while Bryan takes a GTS/Brogue Kick combo from the champions and goes down for a three count.
WINNERS: C.M. PUNK AND SHEAMUS
Later tonight, we find out if Brock Lesnar will accept Triple H’s challenge for a match at Summer Slam.
We come back to see Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger arguing over who the weak link in their team is. Vicki comes in with an “EXCUSE ME!” and demands they settle this in the ring. The men walk off and Vicki smiles.
Fade in to Johnny and David Otunga sharing a laugh. Show comes in and wants to know what’s so funny. Johnny explains they were laughing at Cena and how bad he’s gonna get hurt tonight in the three on one handicap match, and how the WWE universe doesn’t deserve him. Johnny promises he’s going to leave a lasting impression tonight. Show doesn’t find anything funny anymore.
We’re back with Ziggler and Swagger in the ring.
DOLPH ZIGGLER VS JACK SWAGGER
This was kind of a slow paced match until Ziggler tweaked his leg. From then on it was Swagger working the leg until Ziggler hit the Zig-Zag and scored a three count. Ziggler gets a kiss from Vicki and struts off into the sunset.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER
We’re back, and Lawler is reminiscing about the night we got the debut of Mr. Socko and a Stone Cold beat down in Vince’s hospital room. Lawler’s favorite part is Vince taking a bedpan to the head.
Paul Heyman is here on behalf of Brock Lesnar to respond to Triple H’s challenge.
•No, Lesnar will not drop his suit against WWE
•No, Heyman will not drop his suit against Triple H
•No, Brock Lesnar will not face Triple H at Summerslam
Thank you for your time, good night.
Time to Play the Game…
Triple H is in the ring and this becomes a trade off of two of the best mike workers in this business. I’d fail at trying to quote this verbatim, so please try to find this on line. Basically, both men take shots at each other with winks to the smart marks, but the highlight is Heyman dressing down the game, taking shots at his new position in life. Of course it ends with Heyman out on his back, but it’s still an example of why the WWE needs him back on the stick.
Up next, U.S. Champion Santino Morella vs. Alberto Del Rio
We come back and Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio enters in a 150 thousand dollar Audi-T1000 as we get a promo for the Night of Champions PPV. Santino is out next and power-walks quickly to the ring.
U.S. CHAMPION SANTINO MORELLA VS ALBERTO DEL RIO
This is a quick match that has Del Rio working particularly vicious, as he’s taking out his frustration over being pulled from No Way Out on the arm of Santino. Santino gets in some offense but it amounts to little as he takes an inziguri to the head while setting up the Cobra. Del Rio hits the arm-bar and Santino taps.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Roberto actually gets some payback on Santino with a shoulder-drop as Alberto walks off.
Promo for Cyndi Lauper making an appearance, featuring her “girls just wanna have fun,” video
The lovely Layla, Divas champion, is in the ring introducing Cyndi Lauper AND WENDI RICHTER! She credits both women with setting the foundation for the Divas division. Cyndi looks “influenced,” Wendi has looked better, and the crowd does not love this.
Heath Slater comes out to call this the train wreck it is. He gets in the ring, makes some snide remarks, and demands the chance to debut HIS NEW SINGLE.
Slater wants to sing.
Slater-haters gonna Slater-hate.
And they do.
Cue the bagpipes and its ROWDY RODDY PIPER out to make the save. He looks like he had some of what Cyndi had. He’s in the ring with a gold record, making reference to Capt. Lou Albano.
He mentions having “a bad day,” all those years ago when he bashed Lou in the head with Cyndi’s gold record in Madison Square Garden, and wants to present her with a new one. They kiss and make-up, when Slater demands he get to finish his song. The segment ends with Lauper bashing Slater with the record. (Might’ve been a botch there as she did it twice, and left Slater with a cut on his head)
We come back to a recap of the four way tag team match at No Way Out, featuring AW helping the Prime Time Players win the no.1 contenders spot for the tag team title, at the expense of Primo/Epico, the team he originally expressed interest in managing.
AW comes out to introduce himself as the owner of All World productions and the new manager of The Prime Time Players.
PRIMO/EPICO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
It’s a very basic tag team match, with the bruisers (PTP) trying to out-muscle the high-flyers (P/E.) The match is cut short when AW simply pushes his team out of range and they take a count-out loss, explaining that his team already has the no.1 contender spot and doesn’t need this.
Side Note: The crowd is DEAD for this match. No real faces to root for.
We’re back with a promo for the upcoming 1000th show, July 23rd. We OFFICALLY go three hours on that night. (Question: didn’t we do that already?) DEGENERATION X will make a special appearance. That should kill the first two hours.
Back in the ring, we have Johnny Ace, in a neck brace, arm-sling, and a crutch, cutting a promo, calling the WWE universe losers, (one by one,) because we’ve lost the era of “people power.” Next time we’ll see him is his hall of fame induction. This is the darkest day in WWE history, and he promises Cena will get an epic beat down. He introduces his tag team partner David Otunga, who comes to the ring making his usual pose-down, and next, the Big Show.
We come back with Teddy joining the announce team and ripping up the name tag Johnny made him wear. Michael Cole gives him an epic ass-kissing. Big Show has the mike. He thanks Johnny for his Iron clad contract, his huge bonus, the chance to be a real giant, says he has nothing to prove, AND WALKS OUT ON THE MATCH!
The music hits and John Cena is out.
HANDICAP MATCH: JOHN CENA VS JOHNNY ACE/DAVID OTUNGA
The crowd is really split tonight with the “Let’s go Cena/Cena Sucks” chant. The match begins with Cena dominating Otunga and Johnny Ace backing off every time Otunga tries for a tag. Johnny changes his mind once Otunga gets back in control. Once tagged in, Johnny ditches his wrappings and stomps away on Cena. Cena kicks out of a pin, Johnny tries for a tag AND OTUNGA WALKS OUT ON ACE!
Johnny, in disbelief, turns around slowly. Cena unloads big on Johnny Ace with the “five moves of doom.” Three AA’s and an STF later, Johnny Ace taps out.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
And here we are… the fallout from the Survivor Series PPV on Sunday… yeah. A new Heavyweight Champion is crowned tonight? Really? Let’s hop to it, shall we?
Big props to Al Creed for sending this one my way, and what a better sentiment to represent the WWE’s current fetish?
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We know now.
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Your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess has returned to you, the BWF faithful, and I’ve brought my “Impact Impressions” with me! Huzzah!
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