TNA Impact 24/07/14; One Last Live Impact
Leave a CommentThis is the last time I’ll be watching Impact live, for now.
This is the last time I’ll be watching Impact live, for now.
Last weeks review was way too long and I’ve gone into far less detail on the matches this time. Still a lot of detail on the promos but I wasn’t sure how to cut that down.
The show starts with Brooke Tessmacher’s ass. She meets Bully Ray and says if he has his championship and her then nothing can really be wrong. Bully says they’re going to the ring and the “previously on Impact” segment aired.
For the last two weeks it’s been Hardcore Justice and now it’s Must Win Thursday? The Hell? They messed up the Bound For Glory series so they’re just rushing it and finishing up the qualifiers tonight.
We open with Bully who’s in a really, really, really bad mood. He said someone was missing from the ring, meaning Devon. He wants answers and asks Brodus Clay what happened and some douche in the crowd shouted “he failed just like his father!” I’d tell you what Brodus said but I don’t care. I didn’t care what Knux had to say either. Wes said he doesn’t know what happened and we finally get to Kenny who doesn’t know either and says it could have been any of them who were gone and it is how it is. Bully says it is and what it is is a disappointment. Devon has always been a disappointment. He never needed Devon and never will again and Toto is the only man he needs. Bully wants to give Toto his own cut and Kenny goes nuts and Bully doesn’t stand for that and puts him down before calling out Brooke. Brooke comes out with an Aces and Eights jacket straight from ShopTNA.com. Kenny gets in the way again and says he wants to vote on it. Toto puts the jacket on and Bully takes Devon’s nametag off of it. Toto means so much to Bully that he didn’t even give him his own cut, he gave him Devon’s. Bully finishes up by saying he can’t wait to see Hogan and can’t wait to introduce him to the only Brooke that’s ever meant anything to him.
One of my favourite Bully Ray moments
There’s a backstage segment with Jeff Hardy who’s talking out loud this time and has his eyes open. I didn’t really care what he had to say. I used to like Jeff but then I grew up and realised what a drug lord he is. Also shown walking backstage is Hulk Hogan. What wasn’t shown was JT Hogan attacking him dude brother.
Jeff Hardy vs Kazarian
Both men go for quick pins and of course neither of them get the win in the first minute. Only people who go against Sin Cara get that. Kaz counters a Twist of Fate and the high enziguri by crotching Hardy, and Kaz takes control of the match with leg drops and loses control when Jeff hits a faceplant. Hardy puts on a Figure Four Leg Lock and I don’t know enough about that hold to know how well he did it. It seems like a move only Ric Flair can apply properly. Kaz escapes and counters a Twist of Fate for a two count and gets another two count with a kick to the head. Jeff hits a Twist of Fate and a Swanton for the victory and the announcers have the tamarity to call this guy unpredictable.
Jeff Hardy is watching you, with his eyes closed.
Backstage with the Aces and Eights and they’re teasing more dissension now. Brodus says if Bully doesn’t care about Devon he probably doesn’t care about them. Spoiler alert; he doesn’t! Kenny asks if they voted to not vote and my brain started hurting as I was reminded why I don’t like the guy. Kenny says if it keeps up then they’re going to hold another vote Bully won’t like. Actually I’d be kinda happy if they formed the Aces And Eights Wolfpack. No, wait, they’d be Aces and Eights Hollywood. Bully would be the Wolfpack.
I can’t photoshop at all so it’s just regular old nWo for you.
Gail Kim vs ODB in a two out of three falls match
The winner of this will be the number one contender and because they’ve been trading wins over the course of weeks they’re now going to exchange them in one match. Tenay plugs the Knockouts Knockdown one night only PPV and says all my favourite knockouts will be there. I beg to differ as a lot of Knockouts said they wouldn’t go and my favourite knockout is Madison Rayne who definitely won’t be there.
It’s slow paced but it makes sense. It’s two out of three falls so they have to take it slow to preserve their energy. Gail goes for a submission that was, to quoth the commentators, halfway between a Texas Cloverleaf and a Sharpshooter. ODB taps and Gail picks up the first fall. Has anyone ever won a two out of three falls match 2-0? There’s a commercial break and we come back to Gail breaking ODB’s leg. Gail goes for the submission again and ODB counters with a small package for the win and it’s 1-1. Gail goes for the corner Figure Four. ODB fights her way to her feet and hits a clothesline for a two count and then ODB stands up instantly. Selling is as dead as kayfabe it seems. Gail locks in another submission but ODB reaches the ropes. ODB locks on a Sharpshooter and Gail taps out. ODB wins and gets the title shot.
I actually kinda miss these guys performing together
There’s a backstage segment with Velvet Sky who says that she’s rooting for ODB, and that we’re in for a surprise when the Knockouts PPV airs. You mean some women actually agreed to be a part of it? What I wasn’t surprised by though was when the camera went from Velvet’s face, zoomed in on her tits, and then zoomed back out as it went back up to her face. I kid you not, that genuinely happened. Velvet said she wanted to be at Hardcore Justice but couldn’t because she had personal issues to deal with at home. It turns out that she’s dating Sabin. I had absolutely no clue. The camera zoomed in on her tits, AGAIN. THAT HAPPENED TWICE WHAT THE FUCK TNA. Anyway Vel Vel says that even though she is dating Sabin they keep their business and personal lives seperate.
There’s another backstage segment with Daniels and Roode. Roode says he’ll take care of AJ and if Daniels takes care of Aries they’ll be alright. Daniels says Aries is no gentleman and he’s going to take care of it, right now. The segment ends with Roode putting the Appletini on a chair. That’s a nice little touch.
After a quick replay of Aries quote unquote turning on the Extraordinary Gentelman’s Organisation Borasch is backstage with Aries who says it was a no go because he’s all show and a bunch of other stuff. He believes if you want something done right you do it yourself and that’s why he turned down the Main Even Mafia too. He only relies on himself. Aries hopes AJ makes it to the finals becuase when they’re in the ring, it’s magic. Daniels interrupts and says that Aries missed out on his golden ticket by turning down the Gentlemen. I thought that only happened to the Knockouts? They argue for a little bit and Daniels says Aries is gonna be knocked flatter than Miley Cyrus’s ass. Still not seen that, still never will. Aries says he’ll slap Daniels so hard he’ll start to grow hair again. Damn I love those guys.
Hulk Hogan is still backstage. I’m not entirely sure how he fought off JT Hogan. He’s asked some questions and says everything will be addressed in the ring and he has an announcement. He then enters his dressing room and begins round two of his best two out of three falls match with JT Hogan.
Hogan’s reaction to JT Hogan. Needless to say he got beat for this.
It’s time now for the Main Event Mafia. Rampage gets in another plug for their MMA fight (it’s November 2nd guys!) and says every time he sees Toto he’s gonna stomp a mudhole in his ass. Joe gets the microphone and performs a super effective Cheap Pop. I realised at this point I was only about half way through the show. Damn it’s been dragging if I’m honest. Joe says they’re there to recognise AJ and Sting woos for him and offers him a spot in the Mafia. Even if AJ doesn’t want to join the Mafia they want to thank him for what he did. AJ cames out to his heel music and has his totes mysterious hoodie on again. He does his transformation and I’m with Taz, I hate it and it’s annoying. He should come out to either his heel music or his face music. I actually like his heel music too.
AJ says he needs to do this himself and the mafia walk out. AJ says the crowd has questions and he has answers for them. He formally turns down the Mafia invitation because a suit and tie just isn’t him. He’s developed trust issues over his two best friends screwing him and the guys in the truck filming him at home for the sake of good television. AJ says the only person AJ can trust is Alan Jones. He says he’s with no one, but he just announced his new tag team partner is this guy called Alan Jones. AJ says his perception of the business has changed and that he’s better than the best in the world because he’s the phenomenal AJ Styles. Even though he loves what he does in the ring he understands it’s just a job. AJ Styles, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Undertaker in a fatal four way at Wrestlemania 30 anyone? He cuts a promo about being shafted by management and I’m pretty sure this is related to his contract issues and he says he deserves better. He tells Tenay and Dixie he deserves better. He’s been TNA’s go to guy for 11 years and for what? Just to watch them bring in the next big thing and watch them fail? Maybe it’s the new direction that’s going nowhere. I don’t appreciate the way the crowd is reacting to this. He says he was praying that Dixie would fire him so he didn’t have to quit and instead he chose to stay. He stayed to take care of his family because this is his job and THAT’S WHAT HE DO. AJ says he likes being the go to guy and who steals the show and who sends the fans home happy. The question is can he still be that go to guy, can he still take the weight of the company on his shoulders, and can he go on to win the BFG series? Damn right he can. Damn that was epic. Two AJs giving two pipe bombs in the same week means a good week for wrasslin.
How the crowd seemed to react, fuckers.
AJ Styles vs Bobby Roode
There’s some chain wrestling and a Calf Killer that ends in a rope break to start. AJ does some high spots and Roode stops him with a Spinebuster. Good luck carrying the company on a broken back! Roode hits a suplex and keeps working the back and arms. AJ gets back into it with a Spinebuster of his own and a Springboard Moonsault and pele kick. AJ springboards into a crossface by Roode and gets a rope break but Roode just puts him back in it. AJ counters it into a pin and then hits the Calf Killer submission. Roode goes for a Fisherman Suplex and AJ counters it into a roll up pin for the win. Nice to see AJ win but I don’t get it because he’s only in fifth place. He needed the submission but didn’t go for it. The fuck? They could have at least said he went for the rollup on instinct and didn’t realise what he was doing.
Unless you’re an angry AJ Styles
Backstage with Daniels and an amazing pair of goggles. Daniels says he has to beat Aries and he’s going to do just that.
Jeremy Borasch is backstage and says that there’s no word from Hogan but he’ll be out in the ring after the next match. Thankfully it’ll be to make an announcement and not in a match.
Christopher Daniels vs Austin Aries
Taz says that Daniels looks like several doctors but he forgets the one Daniels actually looks like which is Doctor Steel. They trade blows and Aries poses in the corner before we get some more chain wrestling. I was expecting this to be a good match and I was not disappointed. The match goes outside and Daniels gets his feet up for Aries to run into when going for a Suicide Dive. I’m seen in the crowd holding up a sign that says “Aries Fears Hemme”. Just kidding, I wasn’t in the crowd, but that sign genuinely was. We come back from a break and the action is back in the ring. Daniels gets an Abdominal Stretch in and Aries reverses it into one of his own and there’s a double clothesline. I’m not really doing this match justice. Aries hits a ton of shots in the corner and hits a backdrop to set up the Pendulum Elbow. Tenay’s right, it HAS been a while since I’ve seen that. Daniels gets up and slams Aries into the corner but Aries tosses him outside the ring and hits the Suicide Dive this time. Aries went to the top rope but Daniels uses the ref as a human shield and hits a powerbomb. Aries hits a top rope Missile Dropkick and a running Dropkick and goes for the Brainbuster but Daniels floats over and plants Aries for a two count. Aries hits another dropkick, gets the Brainbuster and the seven points with a victory. Your final four in the BFG series are Magnus, Aries, Roode and Hardy. I want Magnus to win but I can see them saying “he lost the series overall but it’s still impressive he was the points leader.”
This Dr Steel and if Daniels grew a beard he’d look just like him.
Another backstage segment and this time with Bully who says he feels bad for Hogan. For ruining his family and everything. Then he snaps back to reality and doesn’t feel bad because Hogan is where he should always have been, in Bully’s back pocket. Bully tells Toto to keep an eye on Kenny and walks off with Brooke who refers to Bully as “daddy”. That Brooke Tessmacher has daddy issues really explains a lot.
At long last Hulk Hogan comes out and the crowd goes…mild. JT Hogan is seen on top of the Titantron and he jumps off and hits a leg drop on Hulk. Unfortunately it’s so powerful JT Hogan goes through the Earth and I turn on the news to hear reports that the majority of the world is now flooded and every major volcano has erupted. Hulk somehow survived and crawls his way to the ring. Hulk puts over Hardcore Justice and says it’s great to be back and hits a super effective Cheap Pop of his own. Hulk pulls up the BFG series standings and doesn’t actually say the name of anyone on the board. Hogan can’t read? Hulk says he was away taking care of some hardcore business. It’s hardcore wrestling business though, he’s not in talks with Chyna. When he met with the Spike execs they decided that even though the series was ending they’re going to have a 12 man gauntlet match for 20 BFG points. I want AJ to win but I like the top four as it is actually and if Hardy is in fourth place anyone who makes their way into the top four will knock him out. I don’t see that happening.
Bully comes out with Brooke to save us from Hogan. Bully says he missed his dad and it’s not been the same without Hulk around and a lot has changed, including Bully having the title again. Bully says he’s been waiting to introduce Hogan to Tessmacher and Hogan says Brooke couldn’t bum a rush off of him. He only puts the pythons on his daughter and his friends wives. He’s been taking care of personal business and has divorce papers for Bully. He got a divorce without Bully’s signature? Is that even legal? Brooke Hogan is moving on to bigger and better things, such as the WWE developmental centre! Bully says he never cared about Brooke Hogan and did something that no other man has done to her by using her. Bully has got everything he wants and doesn’t have to do anything until Bound For Glory. Hogan asks Bully if he knows who he is. I know Hogan is getting old but is Alzheimers kicking in already? I think it is because he called Bully Jack. Hulk says he’s going to use Bully’s family just like bully used his and in two weeks Bully will defend the title against a member of Aces and Eights. I thought he was bringing Devon back in. Bully says he won’t do it and Hogan says he will and he’ll also defend his title “this week”, I think he meant to say next week, against the man they call Sting. Wait, wait, WAIT, didn’t Sting lose the right to challenge for the title? If I’m wrong about that I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure I’m right.
As we go off the air Tenay clarifies that the title match is NEXT week and gets in one last plug for Fightmaster.
Not a Sheik mark but this is how I react to Hulk.
My thoughts on the show? It was a pretty solid show really. It dragged a little in the middle but it picked back up again and other than some questionable camera angles, daddy issues, and mistakes by Hogan, there really wasn’t too much you could say about this show that was bad.
Here’s how this is going to work; I’m a professional writer, sure, and you can buy my book on Amazon. No, seriously, you can, it’s called Tulips and Other Stories and it costs less than the coffee you’ll drink while reading it. However it’s been a while since I reviewed wrasslin. I’m also going to take some creative liberty, though not too much this time as there wasn’t much of a chance to. I’ll give you the correct results, but I’ll more than likely throw in some jokes and shenanigans. If you want play by play, call a professional.
I was going to insert a link to my book here but felt that would be too cheap. Enjoy a random picture of a tulip instead.
We start off the show as Impact usually does now with a “previously on Impact” segment. They actually made the appletini shots look good but no amount of editing can make that hammer shot look good.
We get Bully on the phone to a mysterious stranger called Brook and he’s with Tito Ortiz. Seeing how Brook Hogan has been released from Hogan’s family dungeon and Brook Orndorf is in legal trouble, it’s not hard to guess which brook it is. Bully and Tito meet up with Mr Anderson and they tease some dissension between Bully and Anderson. Apparently Bully hasn’t been returning Anderson’s calls and texts. To be fair though he has been calling his woman. I hate Anderson but I have to admit I’ve liked him in his role as the VP of Aces and Eights so I think I’ll actually be a little sad to see that relationship end.
Bully’s probably still a bit annoyed from when this happened.
The Bad Influence, plus Bobby Rooooooooooooooooooo(de) come out to start the show properly. Roode begins by congratulating Bully Ray on becoming a two time champion. Does it really count as a second run when he lost the title for such a short amount of time? Roode says that Bully has found a way to screw the system again, and found a new friend. I thought he would say he’s found a new Brook to screw too. Roode says that Bully is the man with a target on his back and he’s looking at the three men who’ll do anything to get the title. One of their trio is going to be the new world heavyweight champion whether we, or maybe Bully Ray, like it or not. He says that he literally set the table and leap frogged his way into second place and hands the mic to Kazarian.
Kaz reminds us of the match he won and refers to himself as a handsome devil. Dude has a point. He looked better with long hair though. Daniels says the Extraordinary Gentlemen’s Organisation is two for two and tonight he’s going to make it three. I guess this team has a name and Daniels has a rear that makes the girls cheer and is the best street fighter in TNA. Ken and Ryu would argue but they’re too busy touring Japan after being released to pay for Hogan’s contract.
If these two hadn’t been released to pay Hogan’s contract we would have had a run in.
Roode says that the Extraordinary Gentleman’s Organisation is 25% of the BFG series and asks why be 25% when you can be a third. I’ll tell you why. It’s because 25% is a quarter. Roode does know this though and says that they need to add one more member to the group. Roode says that one man is none other than you. I got scared because he was looking directly at the camera and I have no in ring experience but he meant Austin Aries. As Roode is trying to recruit Aries he’s interrupted by Gunner and James Storm. Wait, these guys are the tag team champions? I legitimately forgot that. Storm says that that Bad Influence can’t trust Roode and neither can Aries. He says “Sorry…” and the crowd finish off his little catchphrase for him. Can he be any lazier? Roode calls him jealous and Storm counters by saying he’s only jealous of a guy who has a six pack and only has two beers left. I’m jealous of people who don’t have to pause this show every five seconds to keep up with what the crazy drunken redneck is saying.
Storm says he always tells people what he’s going to do and threatens to strip and drink his beer. Then he’s going to punch Roode in the mouth. He goes in the corner and starts stripping as he threatened and Roode tells him he doesn’t want to do it and doesn’t have the guts. Thankfully Storm stops at taking his shirt off and punches Roode in the mouth and finally the talking ends.
Impromptu match up between Who Knows and Those Other Guys.
We’ve got Roode and Kaz against Storm and Gunner. Why would we get that pairing when Kaz’s partner is Daniels? This question was answered later in the show as Daniels was part f the table match. If I’d been paying more attention I’d have realised he also said this in his promo before the match.
There’s a nice double team move by the redneck and his bearded friend before the ad break. When we come back Bobby Roode is beating the tar out of Gunner in the corner. Gunner mounts some offence but it’s quickly stopped. What’s not stopped is the shilling of Jeff Hardy’s app. Kaz gets in the ring when I’m not paying attention and wastes Gunner with a spinning heel kick. I always enjoy seeing that move done by a heel. Roode tags in and starts beating down Gunner himself. Kaz tags in and gets a two count and insults Gunner and slaps him around but Gunner gets in a sick looking back breaker before getting the hot tag. Roode and Storm are in the ring and I’m reminded of when this was a good feud we wanted to see. Storm takes out Roode and drops the elbow from the top rope but Kaz breaks up the count. Gunner breaks Kaz’s back on the outside so the two men in jeans can get back to it. Storm went for the Last Call and almost hits the ref. He turns around and nails Kaz with it instead before Roode goes for the Orton Special. That’s a low blow. Roode wins! The highlight of this match? Storm actually managing to get his leg up for the Last Call when wearing jeans.
Aries is backstage and says that The Extraordinary Gentlemen (damn I love saying that) are giving him mixed messages. This week they asked him to join their little club but last week they cost him 20 points in his match. There’s strength in numbers but there’s also something to be said for trusting the people you’re with. He says he has a lot to think about but he should have his answer by the end of the night.
We’re taken back to last Thursday and I would have fast forwarded but the replay was done by the time I finished writing this. We’re getting a Chris Sabin update though tonight at Hardcore Justice. Wait, Hardcore Justice? Wasn’t that last week? Is this Hardcore Justice 1.50?
Sonjay Dutt vs Manik
Sonjay Dutt comes out for a match in a non-title match with Manik. It’s Kinam backwards! I’m not sure what that has to do with anything though. Sonjay tries to attack him before the match starts but gets tossed back into the ring. Manik does a nice little submission move and Dutt turns it into a pin and delivers a hurricanrana. See, I know how to spell it! Speaking of turning, I’m so glad TNA turned back the triple threat rule and we’re getting one on one x-division matches. Dutt locks in his own submission move after a nice standing moonsault and Kinam reverses it into a pin which Dutt kicks out of. Dutt locks in ANOTHER submission move and I find myself thinking that rest holds are an integral part of the X-Division.
It does allow for a bit of chain wrestling though which ends with Dutt on the floor and Kinam does a very nice looking springboard dropkick and gets a two count. TJ Perkins gets a sit out Powerbomb in for a two count and Sonjay puts #Boots2Faces and gets another two count. Sonjay misses a moonsault and goes for a head scissors but Perkins counters it with his unnamed finisher for the win. I think it’s still unnamed. Taz correctly calls a move too. I’d say more about this match but it’s hard enough to take notes on a regular match when I can’t immediately press pause. Try doing it with a fast paced match and it’s not fun.
This cat probably couldn’t make it in the X-Division. I couldn’t find any Manik gifs, and cats are always related.
Backstage Aces and Eights are in a meeting without their leader Bully Ray. Devon asks Anderson if he’s talked to Bully and Anderson says Bully said they need to focus on business. Devon says that they’re focused and Anderson says after tonight it’s going to go from five on four to five on three. They all testify to that. Testifying is now drinking. If that’s testifying maybe I should start going back to church.
Hernandez vs Joseph Park vs Jay Bradley vs Christopher Daniels in a Street Fight
Hernandez comes out before the break for a street fight and after the break we’re backstage with the main event mafia. Screw that, there’s a match on! Getting back to that match, Daniels comes out after Jay Bradley doesn’t get an entrance. Joseph Park comes out next. Joseph Park, Jay Bradley, Hernandez and Christopher Daniels…guess who’s winning this! Things start out as four ways usually do with the four guys turning it into two separate one on one matches with Bradley going after Park and Hernandez keeping Daniels trapped in the corner. Bradley goes after Hernandez and gets sent outside and Daniels went for the rollup on Hernandez. He gets a one count followed by a two count and eats a backbreaker for his troubles. Speaking of broken backs, it’s a chair shot by Bradley!
Taz struggles to say “weaponry” as Hernandez gets his neck broken by Bradley. Kurt Angle would cut a promo about wrestling with a broken freakin neck but he’s too busy taking care of his broken freakin liver which, unlike a broken neck, prevents him from wrestling. Park inadvertently hits an elbow on Bradley, who is sent out of the ring by Hernandez. Hernandez and Park scuffle before double teaming Daniels and sending him into Hernandez. We go to break with Hernandez and Park standing strong and come back to see Daniels about to unleash a kendo stick (it’s a Singapore cane dammit!) on Hernandez. Hernandez counters, hits Daniels with the stickcane and drops him on the ramp. Inside the ring Bradley and Park fight and I notice Kaz standing outside the ring. Wait what? When did that happen?
Bradley goes for the chair shot to the head which meant that Park was obviously going to counter. He does counter and goes for the Boston Crab but releases it when Kaz distracts him. Park goes out the ring and gets his ass handed to him by Kaz and a suddenly appearing Roode who also take out EY. Bradley and Daniels exchange moves and it ends with Daniels taking a low blow and a chair shot to the back. Two chair shots technically as he’s dropped on the chair. Bradley goes for the Boomstick elbow but Roode and Kaz pull him outside and beat him down and Hernandez jumps over the ring ropes just like he jumped over the border. Hernandez goes for his finisher, affectionately called The Border Toss but Aries interferes. He acts like he’s joining the Extraordinary Gentleman and gives Daniels a Brainbuster to huge “yes!” chants.
Back inside the ring Bradley pulls out the brass knuckles and makes Park bleed. Park takes out Hernandez and picks up the win on Bradley with the Black Hole Slam. I’m reminded how much I now look like Joseph Park thanks to my short hair. Damn. I’m also reminded of my terrible prediction that Daniels would win this match. Post match EY makes his way into the ring slowly and celebrates with Park as Park snaps back to reality. Joseph Park picks up 20 points but I still don’t think he has any chance of winning anything.
If this guy wasn’t too busy casting the TV Title back in the fires of Mount Doom from whence it came, he could probably win something.
Another backstage segment with the Main Event Mafia. We have sound this time though. Sting runs down how badly they were beaten last week and Rampage says when he sees Tito he’s going to break his face. Sting says no one is going to step up and Magnus says it doesn’t matter. They are the elite and they’ll step up and Joe says that he’s right and that they have everything they need to win right here. He’s referring to his fists. Ooooh, scary.
Video package time! It’s covering the relationship of Brook (Hogan) and Bully Ray. I don’t really need to be reminded of this, but it does set up the next segment pretty nicely.
Bully Ray comes out and talks to Taz a little and Tito is now his Toto. I sure hope Toto was a girl or that won’t work. That’s the dog Toto, not the guys who sang Africa. Bully asks the audience how it feels to have the wool pulled over their eyes again, and how it feels to be suckered by him, again. Then he says he has one question for everyone. This after he’s already asked two. He asks us if we know who he is and given the record TNA have for promoting themselves and their talent, my guess is a large majority if this audience doesn’t actually know who he is. Bully agrees with me and says he doesn’t accept Sabin’s championship run. Everything is right in TNA and Bully Ray has a new best friend. He asks if we know who Tito is and actually, I didn’t. I had absolutely no idea who Tito Ortiz was when he came out the first time. Tito cuts a promo and says that he’ll beat Rampage again on November 2nd. They’re fighting on November 2nd? I thought it was in September. That’s just how good a job they’re doing hyping this fight. I actually forgot when it was.
Bully says he’s going to expose the secret him and his woman have been hiding. He calls for Brook and Brook Hogan’s music hits. I get scared but she doesn’t come out. Instead it’s the other Brook. It’s Brook Tessmacher! Speaking of exposing Brook Tessmacher, I feel the need to contribute to the Nipples For Jorge campaign. Last week Jorge put out a call for any of the Bored Wrestling Fan listeners to send him pictures of their nipples. All Jorge has to do is go to Dailymotion, turn off the adult filter, and search for Brook Adams. That’s Brook Tessmachers real name and before she got into wrestling she was a topless model. Thank me later Jorge. Just wash your hand before you shake mine.
Brook and Bully make out and the crowd boos. My guess is because they weren’t making out with Brook. Bully says now he has “the hot” Brook, Tito, and Taz for some reason, he can’t be stopped. There’s only one thing left to do and that’s for Brook to bite his wedding ring off and spit it on the floor. Bully Ray is done and now it’s time for the other knockouts.
I can’t remember how the fans reacted when this happened but it does feature other knockouts.
Gail Kim vs ODB
It’s Gail Kim and ODB, complete with a new brassiere. They tie up a few times and ODB overpowers Gail and knocks her on her ass thanks to the power of…well, her ass. ODB hits a Bronco Buster, a shoulder charge and a fallaway slam. Gail runs off and gets in a flying arm bar and works on the injured arm. Her arm got injured that quickly? Is ODB Sin Cara? Wait, wrong promotion. Tenay manages to say Fightmaster about ten times in five seconds while Gail goes back to beating ODB down. Gail gets hit by a low blow and Taz, even though he was cut off by Tenay, raises a good point. That hurt Gail? I get that would still hurt but it’s not really something you see much in wrasslin. ODB smashes Gail’s face into the turnbuckle and simulates how Jorge got herpes. Gail climbs to the top rope but ODB stops her and hits the Superplex for a two count. Gail gets the three count with a Crucifix pin.
Turns out this wasn’t the first time Gail Kim got a taste of ODB.
Up next, Main Event Mafia against Aces and Eights!
…Right after this Bound For Glory video package.
…and this backstage segment involving Austin Aries. He said everything is cool and that the Extraordinary Gentleman asked him a question and he gave them an answer. Aries says he doesn’t need any help to win except for his God given ability.
…and now Tenay is promoting the triumphant return of Hulk Hogan, next week. Last week he was meeting with Spike officials and this week he’s meeting with lawyers. He sure got to that other meeting fast. Taz says something isn’t right and he’s right. If some other schmuck booked a meeting during a taping they’d probably get chewed out by Hogan.
Still no main event! Instead it’s post match comments by Chris Sabin. I tried to make a note of what he said but I was just way too tired. I did catch him saying that Aces and Eights are a cancer and he’ll be back.
Before we finally get our main event there’s a quick shilling of Five Hour Energy. I’m learning why they’re sponsored by Five Hour Energy now. If you watch TNA as closely as I have, you need some of that. I don’t care if it gives me a heart attack, one way or another I’d make it through the show.
Thankfully there was no fine for screaming
Aces And Eights vs Main Event Mafia in a Loser Leaves TNA match
Aces and Eights come out and they’re followed by the Main Event Mafia. Guess we’re finally starting this match. Right after the commercial break! Being tired doesn’t have much to do with TNA being a bad show, as it’s actually been pretty good, but damn they really insist on dragging this out.
Mr Anderson has a microphone and calls out Bully Ray and I pretty much shout obscenities at my computer until someone finally starts fighting. Bully does come out and sits on the ramp and Brook sits on his knee. Anderson says because there’s only four Mafia guys and five Aces and Eights that one of the Mafia should just lay down and allow themselves to be pinned. Stings says that no member of the family is going to lay down and they’re going to go out fighting. “Well then start bloody fighting!” I shout at my screen as more music hits. It’s AJ styles. He’s going to be the fifth guy for Main Event Mafia? He took his shirt off and his face music hit, so I guess he’s a face again too.
The match FINALLY STARTS! There’s an all out brawl to start including AJ taking it to Anderson outside the ring. AJ and Anderson take their match into the ring and AJ lays out Anderson with a dropkick before Magnus lays out Faceless Lackey Number One. Taz informs me it’s Wes Brisco and I genuinely forgot his name. Joe is tagged in and punches Brisco’s face off. He then kicks off any of Brisco’s remaining face with a pele kick. Brisco finally tags out and brings in Faceless Lackey Number Two. They say it’s Garret Bischoff but it isn’t. If you look closely it’s very obvious that it’s Brodus Clay. He just wears a fat suit when he wrestles for WWE. Break time! We come back to Aces and Eights controlling the match and Magnus in the process. Faceless Lackey Number Three, also known as Knux, is the legal man. Magnus knocks some of the Aces and Eights off the apron but they just hop back up and his beatdown continues thanks to Devon. Brodus Clay is tagged in and Magnus starts his comeback but is dropped by the “triple tough” Funkasaurus. Brisco comes in but doesn’t stay in long as Anderson comes in instead. Magnus catches Anderson but he rakes the eyes to get out and tags Devon in. Devon hits a leg drop and mocks JT Hogan. JT Hogan would interfere but he was too busy meeting Hulk Hogan’s lawyers in a gimmick infringement case.
Knux is back in the ring and the plucky Brit gets a nice reminder of why you have to be American to make it in the North American wrestling business. Magnus hits a DDT and manages to tag in Sting. He hits two Stinger Splashes and then everyone runs into the ring and we have ourselves a brawl. Rampage is left in the ring and he lays out all of Aces and Eights with clotheslines except for Brisco who gets planted. Knux knocks Rampage out the ring and gets dropped by Sting but Devon breaks up the Scorpion Death Lock and lays Knux on top of the prone Sting for a two count. Devon comes in and beats down Sting in the corner and misses wildly with a diving headbutt. Tenay says Sting moved just out the way but I think he could have stayed where he was and still dodged it.
AJ is tagged in and he knocks Aces and Eights off the apron and gets a two count on Devon. Anderson gets in some cheap shots and we have ANOTHER brawl. AJ hits a pele kick and eats a spear and then hits a Styles Clash on Devon for the win. Aces and Eights lose and it seems Devon is out of a job. I don’t think he really is though. Didn’t he recently sign a new contract? Well he signed one just before he joined Aces and Eights anyway. This stuff has lasted so long I have no clue when that was.
Post match Bully comes down to the ring with a hammer but doesn’t actually enter the ring as the Main Event Mafia mock Devon and the rest of the Aces and Eights. Tenay gets in one last Fightmaster plug and the show goes off the air.
Christopher Daniels with a dramatic recreation of the end of the main event.
My thoughts? Despite some mild complaints this was a pretty good show. I was tired from a lack of sleeping and walking two miles home from a job interview and the show didn’t actually feel like it dragged much except for the end when there were about four or five segments between the announcement the main event was up next, and when it actually happened. Overall it was a pretty good show I have to say. I also took way too many notes as this was about three and a half thousand words. I thought this was too much and then I put the last RAW review through a word counter and it came out at about the same actually. Guess I didn’t take too many notes after all.
We open the show on a Ultimate X match Aries vs Sabin vs Ion, sitting at home watching Chris Sabin back in his element was a welcome reprieve that was until Sabin tore is other ACL putting him back on the shelf. Aries retains with Hogan coming out to praise Aries before telling him that he would have to vacate the title to have a match against Bobby Roode at Destination X.
Bye Bye X division.
The push of Hernandez continues with a match against the television champion Devon. Its short and Hernandez really only botched one spot before being put down by Devon. Keep the belts away from Hernandez, Robbie E etc.
The bound for glory series featured the return our yours and my Pope D’angelo Dinero makes his return.
Pope be pimpin’ yes indeed.
And then James Storm came in and cleaned house and won. First Crimson and now 20 points in the BFG series. Go Cowboy!
New Knockout Champion Gail Kim Ms Tessmacher took on Madison “In love with who?” Rayne. I hear crickets but I digress. She (being Tessmacher) wins. This is where we need some more knockouts to make the surroundings look better, I’ve seen Madison Rayne too much.
[This post used to contain a picture of a topless Madison Rayne, her breasts covered only by her hands. Google made us take it down to comply with AdSense policy. Do they have ANY idea what kind of content their ads are on with the BoredWrestlingFan Radio podcast?]
Sunday Night saw the victoy of the “Asshole’ Ken Anderson over Hardy and RVD. I waited to see where this story would go since Hardy and RVD had storylines with Roode where as Anderson had a one off match from a couple of months ago.
This was a good match where Roode went over Anderson using the crossface and could possibly set up a any number of scenarios for Anderson afterwards. Or with Anderson tapping out will just close a door on that stretch for Roode who has been dealing with Hardy, RVD and Anderson for some time now and leave him clear for Austin Aries to feud with him over the remaining summer until Storm gets to him.
Questions I have are what will become of the X-division once Aries leaves? No Sabin, Sorenson or Nese. But we have Xema Ion and Mark Haskins? Need some new blood.
Until next week, PNTNR out!!!!
Welcome to another edition of Impact Wrestling for Dec 22nd. After the events of Final Revolution, Impact is gearing towards Genesis were Hardy will face Roode for the World Title, Devon will take on the Pope and Double Trouble, and when called for a tag title match will emerge from this Wild Card tournament.
Impact opens with a replay of last week, with the decimation of Hardy and Sting. Following it up with an appearance from the heels as Roode w/ Bully Ray the culprits of the beat down. Roode spews his heelish hate which eventually leads to him attempting to get Sting to suspend him so he doesn’t have to defend his world title at Genesis.
Taz:Wouldn't Roode being suspended lead to being stripped of the title? Tenay: Yes, Captain Obvious.
(*sidenote: wouldn’t suspension lead to being stripped of the world title?) Any who, Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He marches down to the ring and tells Roode he will not be suspended and infact he, Roode and Bully Ray will be involved in a tag match tonight. All Jeff is missing is a partner. Ray prods Hardy with insults claiming no one wants to be his partner because he’s an outcast. (I guess his “drug induced performance at Victory Road” isn’t good enough) And like a angel Sting makes his entrance, he makes sure to walk backwards turning around to reveal…….
Tenay: Joker Sting?!!! what a bunch of bull.....
He claims to always respect Hardy and will gladly be his partner. (Even though the beat down he took last week would of been good enough reason.)
Wild Card Tag Team Tournament: AJ Styles + Kazarian take on RVD + Christopher Daniels
This was a good match that brought out the crowd. And lets not forget reminded the world that Kazarian still exists.
Taz: Where's Waldo? Hey if Double J didn't want to play ball why should we.
Styles who is on occasional still trying to sell his injury. RVD and Kaz have some good back and forth but when this match becomes a handicap situation this is where the plot thickens.
Tenay: By which I mean plot advancement for Genesis
Daniels won’t tag in. That is until RVD attempts a rolling thunder on Kaz. Daniels takes control until he loses the upper hand leading to him wondering over to RVD who enziguri kicks him into Kaz for his fade to black. AJ and Kazarian advance. And I’m assuming the RVD vs Daniels at Genesis will happen.
Best of Three Series: Zema Ion vs Tony Nese, 2nd Round
After Zema embarrassed Nese last week with a triple round of show moves that ended the match, Nese cuts his own promo about his strength and how he is a threat in the X division. Also it should be pointed out that Zema Ion is a heel. A young arrogant foreign heel. And will possibly be taking on Austin Aries in another heel vs heel match. But to further set the tone for his heelishness we are shown his new prop gimmick a long standing tradition with the new guys because when your a face you love football (Sorenson) and when your a heel (Zema Ion) you come out with a non descript hair spray can that you use profusely around you to show that you kill the environment. Thank you guys in the back, Russo,Pritchard,Conway and the various others with input with clarifying. We basically have a repeat of last weeks match with Zema acting all arrogant earlier in the match. He again knocks out Nese only to pick him up after 2, leading him to tell everyone to wait. He of course this week walks into Nese’s power legs and gets rolled up into a pin. Never has a contest been so obvious. Nese doesn’t even have a prop.
Promoville: Madison Rayne and The Pope
Karen’s shriek filled void this week will be induced by none other than the Queen B herself Madison Rayne. Because that is so awesome. When I see her also wearing a ref shirt I know I’m in for some more Traci bashing or some Gail proping goodness. (sarcasm is king here) Will this Knockout VP nonsense ever end in a satisfying conclusion before the outside world thinks its division revolves around Karen and/or Madison?
NO! and enjoy
Now on to the Pope feud promo. Watching this brought me into a blaxploitation movie full of 70’s cars and white snow bunnies who love their choclate daddies, it was like Superfly meets Undercover Brother. It even had racial implications as when Devon was attacked from behind and in his fury it sounded like Pope called Devon a n****** before finishing up with a black a** but you know its the stereotypical Pope letting his congragation know that he’ll be pimping in the mid card with teenage boys.
Oh and Eric Young and ODB went on a date. Because a goofball and a truckers dream
Taz: I won't lie I'd hit that
make for the best odd couple.
Rayne comes out and proceeds to call out….
Tenay: TNT, which for those who are acronym challenged are Tara and Tessmacher
Why does she call them out instead of this factions favorite punching bag Traci? Because she hates their closeness. She didn’t go for the obvious quasi lesbian jokes that should of been inputed, but you know Madison still wishes she had a friend in Tara. I guess. What we end up getting is Rayne’s patented killing crowd syndrome where every one just sits there as we watch a train wreck in progress. Tara and Tessmacher even go all Chikara on us and does the slow motion match for like 2 minutes to little reaction other than those in the know.
Tenay: And I know somewhere, Vincent Kennedy McMahon is laughing at how he has devolved women's wrestling and turned it viral. Taz: What? Tenay: Nothing.
This drags for what seems like 20 minutes when in actuality is more like 5 maybe 8 minutes. Finally ending when Tara+Tessmacher look at the crowd/tv when Madison is screeching “someone hit someone” and take out Rayne. Madison screeches some more up the ramp and we are treated to some crowd noise at TNT succeeding and shutting Rayne up.
We have a Storm promo where were he talks about where to find him. In florida, or in his local bar. Kurt takes him up on that offer and shows up in his home town were he proceeds to insult the town floozie and get into a bar fight with a bunch of rednecks eventally superkicking five men while they’re on stools. James Storm was not impressed.
Wild Card Tag Tournament: ODB + EY vs Anarquia + Shannon Moore
Shannon before the match cuts a promo with Wonder Years stating that he’s going out there and doing what he has done best for the past 17 years
Tenay: which I am assuming is walking away. Taz: Like his former partner Neal. Tenay: Bazinga!
Anarquia is a embarrassment to his faction especially as he lay writhing in pain after ODB kicked him in the balls. Rosita and Sarita just stared at him yelling. Bye bye to OVW. Eric Young and ODB win and celebrate by picking each other and Earl Hebner up. I can get behind that.
Main even match: Roode/Ray vs Sting/Hardy
In a Street Fight: Faces have control for the opening part of the match not using weapons. Eventually after a poke to the eyes Ray starts smacking every one and their momma with kendo sticks. Heels look strong beating the faces with cookware and faux Kendo sticks.
Thank you, Sandman
Eventually the faces come up victorious as Hardy pins Roode. Here’s to Genesis as Roode retains eventually leading to the epic rematch between James Storm and Roode. And we’re out until next week.
Last Sunday was the Final Resolution PPV. So naturally, with everything resolved, there will be no more conflict. Total Nonstop … umm…. umm… presents: iMPACT!
I generally take a peek at the non-spoiler card for shows I suffer through and review. And normally I don’t start off these intro segments with any reference… but tonight is different. Daffney is back on my television tonight! Let’s find out if TNA presents her as a threat, or uses her as enhancement…
(more…)
[Joker voice] And here we…go! (more…)