NO! I don’t wanna review RAW! You can’t make me! Nooooooooo!
Last night at Over The Limit, a bunch of crap happened, CM Punk retained his title, and John Laurinaitis beat John Cena with help from the Big Show. Let’s see what kind of horrible stuff they make us sit through tonight in one of the last two hour RAWs.
Once In A Lifetime...... Until Next Year!
Hi I’m Matt B. Wrestle and with us today is Bobby L. (Last name withheld to protect identity from Vince’s lawyers). Bobby has a special gift for psychic predictions and has been featured on that show A&E Psychic Kids. Why is he here? Well we want to use him to predict the Rock vs Cena match and its implications at Wrestlemania 28. So lets ask the first Question.
Matt: After seeing the return of the Doctor of Thuganomics last week what do we have in store for Wrestlemania?
Bobby: I see a rough edge Cena who will be taking no garbage from anyone after Wrestlemania. I predict his feud with Kane has set Cena on his path.
Matt: So basically a return to the gray characters of the heralded Attitude Era?
Bobby: Yes and No. No because that era is dead and entertaining family oriented programs are still the driving ambition.
Matt:?.. We just saw Cena curse last week and references to pie and Cena’s lady parts.
Bobby: All just little touches that add to the overall feud that will dissipate once the feud concludes. A little tease to buy the PPV
Matt: So you predict that he will return harder edge but still family friendly even after the cursing and threatening to put his nuts in Rock’s face.
Bobbi: Yes.
I pause complexed by this theory. Or should I say prediction, he is psychic after all. I go through my notes searching for more clues to a harder edged program featuring more cursing and meta wrestling. I think I found it.
Matt: Eve Torres making out with Cena who is publicly acknowledged as married. Shouldn’t this be an issue?
Bobby: No I believe all will be forgotten by April 2nd. Dwayne will go back to acting full time and everything will return to normal. Or as normal as one goes with the creative team.
Matt: More fart divas and Bella Twin pushes?
Bobby: I don’t have to be a psychic to tell you the Divas suck. edit* No offense to the divas*
Matt: But with the emergence of the male roster like Ziggler, R-truth and even Santino Marella wouldn’t this clue in to a return to anything can happen television branching out from the Cena turn to Thuganomics at Wrestlemania?
Bobby: Are you okay?
Calming myself. I believe in the knowledge that this could be the final year of our existence. 2012. The Mayan calendar. Why wouldn’t the E just go balls to the wall and give us the gray character development that we came to love during the 90’s. I finally decide to take a breath and ask about the possibilty that this is in fact a reverse Hogan.
Bobby: A reverse Hogan?
Matt: Yeah Rock took on Hogan at Wrestlemania in the SkyDome, when Hulk was still NWO and after beating him turned him face. So is it possible that the plan could include a Cena heel turn after a win over the Rock?
Bobby pauses for a minute. Deep in thought. I was so expecting him to put his hand on his temples, Charles Xavier style but he just thinks on it. He appears to convulse suddenly and for a minute there I think I broke him with the impossible question. When hs eyes roll into the back of his head I’m almost ready to call the paramedics. But suddenly his hands go up to stop me.
Bobby: What you hope for seems to be certain. Only if WWe creative doesn’t hear about this interview first.
The dread takes over as I envision my own psychic revelation as Vince having one of his underlings coming across my article and deciding to change everything at the last minute. Invalidating this prediction and thus dooming us to another stale profitable Wrestlemania.
Matt: So we can’t tell anyone?
Bobby: Not it you want this to work out.
So I would have to release this article after Wrestlemania to preserve all hope that it comes true. I knew I was facing a dilemma. My reputation would be tarnished with fans. I couldn’t allow that but at the same time if the E changed it at the last minute I would still be suspect of fraud.
Matt: So I just can’t publish this article.
Bobby: Good move. Sometimes the best solution is to do nothing. Oh and that Randy Orton piece about his feud with Kane?
Matt: Yeah
Bobby: I wouldn’t even waste my time. That is just filler to give Orton something to do.
Matt: Are you sure?
Bobby: Dude. Who is the one with the A&E Show?
Matt: So I have no article to print on either front then.
I have to do something to publish a piece or I have nothing for Wrestlemania. I could d0 the Undertaker vs HHH. NO. Everyone and their mother has covered that Rocky sequel. Punk and Jericho. Hell no it would just be Cena vs Rock redux. Wait what about Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan. No. Wait if I scratch out HHH favorite Sheamus and do a piece on Daniel Bryan and his descent into main event villiany that would cover something new.
Bobby: Daniel Bryan.
Matt: Wow you are good.
Bobby: Duh, psychic. That could work.
Matt: Good. Thanks for your time.
Egad, RAW was horrible this week. I’m not even going to bother getting into it, instead turn the page to everybody’s favorite “B” Show. So, let’s just hop into it… shall we? Oh, and if you haven’t heard, it looks like Dave Lagana has jumped from ROH to TNA. Totally unrelated, I know.
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