Smackdown 08/02/13
1 CommentPreamble and stuff. Yadda Yoda yolo yadda…
Always check the bike first. Always.
Hopping time…
Preamble and stuff. Yadda Yoda yolo yadda…
Always check the bike first. Always.
Hopping time…
Whelp, this will be a little different than normal. I’m whipping through Smackdown since Calgary will be going through rolling power outages tonight (or so the police scanner says), to deal with the massive flooding in this city. And let’s be honest here, there is no way Smackdown is topping either Payback or RAW which were both solid shows. Fortunately I prepared a little something something ahead of time this week, and some gifs so it feels kind of normal. But in all seriousness, I kind of need to watch the news to see what the fuck is going on in my hometown and how it affects me. Sorry.
Sloshing time!
Dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnn
Hold on to your flagpoles, BoredWrestlingFan presents an interview with former WWE NXT star Derrick Bateman, now going by his real name, Michael Hutter. In the interview, Michael talks about his WWE release, what he’s doing now, and how it all began. “The USA Guy” gimmick that popped up on YouTube is discussed, as well as his stint on the fourth and redemption seasons of NXT. Also discussed are LeBron James, tear-away tights, and the new YouTube channel featuring Michael, Trent Baretta, Briley Pierce, and Percy Watson, “Funny Don’t Make Money.” All this and much, much more. Tune in!
All quotes are courtesy of Twitter @WWEUniverse
After a brief recap of last week’s program, we go right to the ring with Jerry Lawler welcoming us to a dance-off. Jerry introduces FAHN…
No, I’m not doing it.
We get a look at Fandango’s win over Jericho at Wrestlemania, as Jerry introduces Fandango. Summer Rae is out first, shaking her money-maker, and she leads out Fandango.
Next is Jericho out with Edyta Sliwinska, a former “Dancing with the Stars” cast member and a multi-time champion ballroom dancer.
Jerry explains both teams get 90 seconds to do a routine, and the winners will be decided by an audience vote. Jerry reminds the crowd that this is NOT a popularity contest, and they should vote based on who the best dancer is.
Jerry tries to bring up Fandango losing a dance-off to Khali last week. Fandango calls Khali insulting names and refuses to acknowledge the loss.
“As long as there’s a Chris Jericho, there will be a better man. And his name is FAN-DAN-GOOOO!” #Fandangoing #DanceOff #RAW
Jericho gets the mike and welcomes us to “RAW IS JERICHO!” Jericho reminds us he was the first ever musical chairs champion, and the first ever “Price is Raw” champion. Tonight, he will debut a new song about kicking Fan-DUNG-HOLE’s ass all over this ring.
Jerry gets this started and cues the music. Fandango and summer just stand there doing nothing; (might be the theme of the evening.) Fandango demand silence from the crowd – (Damien Sandow: Hey! That’s MY gimmick.) (Rytman: Damn-it Sandow, get out of my recap! You have a match tonight!) – So he can focus on his masterpiece. Fandango starts over but Miss Summer takes a spill and hurts her ankle. Fandango gets nasty and calls her useless. Edyta and Jericho check to see if the poor girl needs help and here’s where we go to set-ups 101.
Wrestler A and Wrestler B are having a special contest to promote their match.
Wrestler A’s girlfriend falls and might be hurt.
Wrestler B tries to help her.
What does Wrestler “A” do?
a.) Realize he’s being a jerk and decide to help.
b.) Re-evaluate his life decisions.
c.) Run up behind Wrestler B and kick him in the face.
If you picked “c,” you’ve been paying attention for the last twenty years.
Jericho has not.
Fandango kicks Jeri-B in the face and brutalizes him for a few minutes. As Fandango prepares to leave, he looks at the lovely Miss Summer. Miss Summer gives us a nasty little smile and joins Fandango for a quick twirl, revealing she was in on the scheme.
Rytman Remark: Summer’s slip was less than convincing; however I did get fished in by Fandango berating her. I expected this would be WWE writing Miss Summer out of the angle, so she could re-debut as her own character, while getting Fandango some extra heat.
Side Note: I have to keep calling her “Miss Summer” because my dod-gamn word program doesn’t understand “Summer” can be a girl’s name.
After the break, we get a recap of Ryback attacking WWE Champ John Cena last week, after Cena and Bryan fought off the Shield.
RYBACK DEF. ZACK RYDER – Straight up jobbing-out of Ryder by Ryback who rides the rails and rips up ribs on rye-bread. He hits the Shell-shock for 1-2-3.
After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.
PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITIS O’NEAL/DARREN YOUNG) DEF. TONS OF FUNK (BRODUS CLAY/“SWEET T” W/THE FUNKADACTYLS – Whole match is barely five moves. Sweet T takes Young over the top rope w/a clothesline. O’Neal gets in a cheap shot. Sweet T side-steps O’Neal into the ring post (and it looked ugly,) and tags in Brodus. Brodus is dominating O’Neal until Young gets in a shot to the throat…with the fro-pick.
Rytman Remark: This is either brilliant or racist. I can’t decide.
After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.
We take a look at last Friday’s Smackdown where Jack Swagger kicked World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler in the head, giving him a concussion and taking him out of Extreme Rules this Sunday.
Teddy Long is wearing a Tupperware suit and has come out to make an announcement regarding the Ziggler situation. Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter come out to demand Ziggler be stripped of the title, and have it awarded to Jack Swagger. A.J. is out w/Big E. Langston to demand Swagger be suspended.
“First you kick my boyfriend in his beautiful face, then you try to take his title? Classic Swags.” – @WWEAJLee #RAW
Rytman Remark: “Classic Swags,” must become a thing. Do it.
Do it!
DOOOOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!
Everyone yells at each other until Teddy steps in. Apparently RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerrero has given Smackdown Senior Advisor Teddy Long the authority to change the three-way ladder match at “Extreme Rules” to an “I Quit” match between Swagger and Alberto Del Rio.
Ziggler will NOT be stripped of the title.
Also, the WWE Universe will have the opportunity to decide if Big E. will face either Swagger OR Del Rio later tonight, one-on-one, using the WWE App.
Mark Henry calls out Sheamus after the break.
We take a look back at the Shield getting a win over Kofi Kingston and the Uso-brothers in a six-man tag. On the basis of this, Kofi will defend the U.S. title at Extreme Rules against Dean Ambrose.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON DEF. DAMIEN SANDOW – Sandow comes out refusing to do a song this week because Kofi’s theme is just as ridiculous as Kofi being U.S. Champion. Sandow predicts that Kofi will soon lose the title. During the match, the announce team mention that Kofi collects comic-books and is a huge fan of Spider-Man and Venom. Kofi wins this w/”Trouble in Paradise.”
Rytman Remark: I’m assuming no-one’s told Kofi about “One More Day” yet.
Mark Henry is in the ring w/Josh Mathews and a leather strap, being interviewed about his match w/Sheamus at Extreme Rules. We take a look back at John Bradshaw Layfield fighting Eddie Guerrero in a strap-match at “The Great American Bash” for reference. (I KNOW IT WAS A BULL-ROPE MATCH, NAG THEM ABOUT IT.) We look back at Henry whipping Sheamus and pulling trucks in the weeks building up to this. Henry scares Josh into putting one end of the strap on his wrist, and then takes him down. Henry drags Josh around the ring to demonstrate how a strap match works, basically dragging your opponent around the ring while tagging each corner. Henry lets Josh go, (he’s too small, gotta throw him back,) while the announce team laughs at him.
Be A Star, kids.
Sheamus comes out. Henry challenges him to get in the ring. Sheamus remembers something, a strap hidden under the ring. Sheamus gets in the ring and the two enemies commence whipping each other until Henry high-tails out of there.
We get a re-cap of that one time where Lesnar F-5’d Vince McMahon.
Apparently, there’s going to be a “12 Rounds, part 2.”
Yeah
We get a re-cap of the ambush by Fandango on Jericho earlier tonight.
RANDY ORTON DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – The announce team spends most of this match hard selling the WWE App. Match goes back/forth until Cesaro tries a roll-up. Orton kicks out, and wins this w/the RKO. I’ve given this match twice as much attention as the announce team did.
MIZ DEF. HEATH SLATER (W/DREW MCINTYRE/JINDER MAHAL) – Slater is almost straight-up jobbed out here. Near the end, Miz tosses Slater off the top rope into his “band-mates.” Slater sells a bad leg. Miz goes after it and wins w/the figure four submission.
Rytman Remark: THE MIZ IS BACK.
…
…
…
Whoop
We then get a spot for the Susan G. Komen foundation, featuring Layla and Alicia Fox in a walk-a-thon for breast cancer, (as in raising money for treatment, not as in supporting cancer.)
We get a recap of Hunter rescuing Vince from, and the beating-up of, Brock Lesnar.
Later tonight, Brock will face Hunter in a face-off.
ELIMINATION MATCH: WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION JOHN CENA/TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/BRYAN) DEF. THE SHIELD…by dq. – Just as this gets underway, we’re told Team Hell No will defend the Tag team titles against the Shield in a Tornado Tag match at Extreme Rules.
Team “Hell No Cena” starts off strong as we go to a break…
When we come back, The Shield has control and Bryan is the “face in peril.” Bryan gets an opening with a high-running knee and tags in Kane.
Kane brutalizes the Shield, striking left and right. The match spills out side and Kane is still in charge. Kane rips the top off the commentary table and tosses it into the face of a Shield member. (Cock Talk, Sunday @ 4 p.m. after BWF radio @ 2 p.m. – 1 p.m. in some areas. If you’ve had a p.m. in your area, you know how rough it can be.)
Kane is eliminated by DQ.
After the break, Cena is the “face in peril,” trying to get to Bryan. Cena finally gets a hot-tag and Bryan explodes all over the Shield. (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) Unfortunately, Bryan misses a tag by Rollins to Ambrose. Bryan goes after Rollins, hits Ambrose w/the forearm, and takes a jump-kick from Rollins. Ambrose hits the short-bulldog.
Bryan is eliminated by pin.
Cena is “last man standing” for his team. He eliminates Rollins w/the AA. Reigns gets himself eliminated by DQ when he shoves the ref, and Cena is about to AA Ambrose when the whole Shield jumps him three-on-one. Cena gets the DQ win for his team.
Guess who attacks Cena after the match w/a chair to the bad ankle?
…
…
…
Ryback, why would anyone else?
As we go to break, we get a re-cap of Hunter beating Lesnar at Mania.
We come back to Matt Striker interviewing Ryback backstage. Ryback tried to play by the rules, but all it got him was screwed (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) out of the title. This Sunday, he plays by his own rules.
#Ryback Rules
We get a recap of last week, when Swagger went off on everyone w/a ladder.
Big E. is out w/A.J. as we’re shown Swagger taking Ziggler out of Extreme Rules w/a kick to the head, causing a concussion.
The WWE Universe uses the App to pick Jack Swagger as Big E’s opponent.
Rytman Remark: Enjoy the mid-card Alberto.
JACK SWAGGER DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON BY COUNT OUT – I’m just now realizing Swagger has almost two feet on Big E.
Match is basically a power contest w/the two big men trading strikes and throwing each other around. Swagger wins by side-stepping a charging Big E. into the guard-rail and getting in the ring before the ten-count.
After the match, Alberto Del Rio runs out to get some of Swagger (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) but gets caught in the ankle-lock. Ricardo Rodriguez whacks Swagger w/the bucket, distracting him. Big E. comes in and everyone goes after everyone, but ADR is the one standing when it’s all over.
A.J. DEF. NATALYA (W/KAHLI/HORNSWOGGLE) –
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
THIS PHKING MATCH!
PHUKING BELLAS!
PHUKING KAITLIN!
PHKING COLE!
AHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Look, the match was okay. AJ basically ran from Natalya until she started teasing Kaitlin, who joined the Bellas as guest commentators, and then Natalya sent her hard to the floor. Natalya goes for a back-breaker, but AJ hooks a “tarantula” variation called “The Black Widow,” and gets the submission. (Nice touch, tapping out on AJ’s butt by the way; very nice touch… or Bad Touch, depending on your perspective.) But my GOD! The commentary just collapsed into a mess of blabbering and dumb jokes about the Munster family or whatever. I’d get something more coherent out of a chicken being violated by a blender!
Side Note: You hear about a hostage situation at WWE HQ this month, you’ll know why.
I have to wrap this up…
Jericho came out to swear revenge on Fandango.
Triple H came out, stood in the cage, and called out Brock.
Triple H basically called him a “bitch,” and demanded he act like a man. Lesnar made his way to the cage despite Paul Heymans best efforts to stop him. They fight for a minute, then Trips throws Brock out of the cage. Brock grabs Heyman and they limp off.
RYTMAN’S REVIEW: It sucked. The end.
Now on a personal note, I’m afraid this is most likely my last RAW post, at least for the time being.
I have too many demands on my time right now w/family issues, and RAW just isn’t a priority anymore.
Side Note: WWE could say the same.
I’m very sorry to do this to Joe and whoever gets stuck w/RAW in my absence. I will continue to support Bored Wrestling Fan.com in any way possible.
I thank all of you, this was a blast.
RYTMAN
All quotes are courtesy of Twitter @WWEUniverse
We open with a “special report” of Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar “invading” WWE headquarters. We are shown stills, and told there is more to come later.
We recap Ryback leaving Cena to the mercy of The Shield (who has none.)
Monday Night RAHHHHHHHH opens with John Cena running to the ring, because you want to do that w/a bad heel. The announce team of Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler sell the injury more than he does.
Cena helps himself to Daniel Bryan’s “YES/NO” gimmick, and explains that competing in the main event last week wasn’t good for his hurt foot, and he hasn’t been 100% since 2005, but that will not stop him from defending the title at Extreme Rules.
Managing Supervisor of RAW, Vicki Guerrero makes her entrance w/her standard “EXCUSE ME!” shtick, which has REALLY run out of steam to confront Cena. She calls out Ryback wanting to give them both the chance to be heard regarding their match at Extreme Rules.
Vicki asks John to tell us what kind of stipulation he wants for the title match. Cena offers Ryback the options of “running away like a scared little girl match,” where you win by running away first, or a “bitching contest.” Cena tells Vicki she can make it a “Vicki’s Granny Panties on A Pole Match,” but quickly changes his mind.
“No man, woman or child should have to see that…” – @JohnCena, #RAW
Ryback responds by saying he’s smart enough to walk away from a fight at the wrong time. He chooses to make it a Last Man Standing match (and I think calls Cena “Shawn” by accident.)
Rytman Remark: Considering the last two “Last Man standing” matches they’ve done, I’m starting to think these guys just want an excuse to tie each other up in duct-tape. (Cock Talk, Sunday @ 4p.m. on Mixlr, after BWF Radio @ 2p.m., 1 p.m. in my area. Believe me that can be really uncomfortable.)
We’re reminded of the Heyman/Lesnar “invasion” that we’ll be seeing later tonight, as Ran-dal KEETH Or-ton makes his way out to the ring.
Back from break, we’re shown a clip from Smackdown of Or-Ton defeating Sandow, Big Show distracting Orton, allowing Sandow to hit him w/the “term-in-ous,” after their match.
Sandow makes his entrance w/his own take on Orton’s theme…
“And now a song…”
“Randy has voices inside his head, just watching him puts me to bed, puts me to sleep…”
“Randy walks down here on this ramp, his expression stays the same…”
“Does his pose up in the corner, can’t think of anything more lame…”
“All his tattoos are disgusting…”
“All that oil on him is heinous…”
“I guess you get to sit back and watch me beat this ignoramus…” – Damien Sandow
“You’re Welcome.” – Damien Sandow
RANDY ORTON DEF. DAMIEN SANDOW – A riled up Orton goes right after Sandow. Sandow escapes to the outside, but Orton goes right after him. Sandow rolls in/out of the ring w/Orton still on top of him. Sandow counters a D.D.T. by backing Orton into the guard rail. Orton takes control right back w/an inverted neck-breaker and dominates as we go to break.
We come back with Sandow in control w/a chin-lock (what irony.) Sandow beats Orton down and hits the “elbow of disdain.” Orton fights out and takes over again w/scoop-slams, a drop-kick, D.D.T. off the second rope, and the RKO.
After the match, Big Show comes out of nowhere and clocks Orton w/the big right hand as Orton makes his way up the ramp.
Rytman Remark: Sandow is a brilliant heel. Too bad he’s in WWE.
Later tonight, World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler meets Alberto Del Rio one-on-one.
Next up is Fandango, who we see rehearsing w/his dance partner, NOT SUMMER RAE!
DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!
Back from break THE WALLS DOWN!
JERICHO IS HERE! Jericho comes out in all his sparkly jacket glory as we take a look back at him brutalizing FAHN-Johnny Curtis back in London, and stealing a dance from Summer Rae.
RAW IS JERICHO!!! And we know that Fan-Dumbo is coming out next, Jericho has decided to put together a judge’s panel to critique Fan-Dodge Durango, Fan-Dimple, Fan-Dingle berry, Fan-Day Glow, Fan-doodle, Fan-GOIN TO A GO-GO! DON’TCHA WANNA GO!? Jericho introduces our judges, Tons of Funk w/the Funkadactyls,
Johnny Curtis (I AM NOT PLAYING ALONG ANYMORE!) makes his entrance, led out by a lovely lady who is NOT SUMMER RAE!
DUN-DUN-DUHHHN!
Nor is she bringing up three very lovely girls.
The judges give Johnny a two, a one, and a two, for his entrance. Johnny gets angry, Johnny gets mad, and Johnny brings up Jericho’s “failure” on Dancing with The Stars, saying it doesn’t make him an expert.
R-Truth is out and apparently he will face off w/Curtis tonight.
R-TRUTH DEF. JOHNNY-OK FINE-FAHN-DAHN-GO! – The two men put together less than a minutes worth of spots until Fahn-fuck it, the dancer guy rolls to the outside. R-Truth gives us a few steps, and the judges give him a ten, a ten, and a 42 because Brodus can’t find his ten. An angry dancer grabs his date and takes a count-out loss.
“Who do these judges work for? Don King?” – @JCLayfield, #RAW
Rytman Remark: “Phuck you.”
We come back from break to see Triple H doing a spot for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer foundation for mother’s day.
We take a look at Ryback getting the win over Daniel Bryan on Smackdown last Friday, followed by Bryan taking a beating from the Shield. Bryan gets interviewed by Josh Matthews, and challenges Ryback to a rematch. Ryback comes out to refuse and call Bryan half the man that he is. Kane is up in Ryback’s face, making a challenge of his own. Ryback says Kane isn’t the monster he used to be, gives him the hash tag (#Ryback Rules,) and walks off.
Back at ringside, Ricardo Rodriguez is out to introduce ALBERTOOOOOOOOO DELLLLLLL RRRRRRRIO! He’s facing Dolph Ziggler and friends next.
Rytman Remark: Dolph Ziggler and friends will be the next animated cartoon produced by WWE. Dolph, Big E. and AJ will all be teens going to school in outer-space and solving mysteries while singing fake pop-songs…
…
…
(Rytman just starts crying.)
ALBERTO DEL RIO (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) DEF. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ and Big E.) BY DQ – We’re shown a replay of Del Rio getting a submission win over Ziggler in a three-way tag match on the last Smackdown as the Dolph-tourage (Copyright; Robert Rytman) makes their way to the ring. The match itself is a back-and-forth of spots until Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter make their way out to join on commentary. Zeb mentions slapping Big E. in the face and how he could beat the French. Big E. grabs ADR by the face and tosses him into Swagger. Swagger takes Big E. into the post and grabs a ladder from under the ring. Ricardo tries to stop him, but gets tossed and brutalized w/the ladder. Swagger goes off on Del Rio and Ziggler w/the ladder, and walks off w/Zeb, leaving their opponents scattered all over the ring.
We get a recap of Ryback choosing the stipulation for his match w/Cena and go to break.
Rytman Remark: Why did Del Rio choose a type of match where not only do his opponents have the same experience and success rate as him, but one where he has to climb on a bad leg?
We’re back, and talking about WWE’s new partnership w/Yahoo, which will bring us a RAW online pre-show because meatloaf.
It makes as much sense as anything else.
Backstage: Kaitlin and the Funkadactyls are discussing her “secret admirer.” Naomi jokes about him being a stalker, and locking her up in a basement because violence towards women is always funny (Cock Talk, 4 p.m. Sunday on Mixlr, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern, 1 p.m. in my area. Believe me, it hurts.) Natalya offers to have the Great Khali go “undercover” in the men’s locker room (Cock Talk – Sunday 4 p.m. after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern on Mixlr,) to find out who it is (Hornswoggle.) Everybody leaves, and the Bellas step out from behind a curtain where they were eavesdropping because apparently this is now a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
Rytman Remark: Anyone besides me wanna duct-tape the Bellas to a BBQ spit? I’m just asking.
The Shield is out. They make their way to the ring as we take a look back at Dean Ambrose getting a win over Kane on Smackdown last Friday. They’re in tag team action after the break.
THE SHIELD DEF. WWE U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON AND THE USOS – Usos start off strong but Roman Reigns soon turns the tide. Kofi gets a hot tag and hits most of his spots. Match breaks down into a brawl, and Kofi gets shoved off the top rope. Ambrose ends this w/a Short-step Bulldog on Kofi for the three-count.
This Wednesday on Main Event, Antonio Cesaro will face Randy Orton. As Cesaro comes to the ring, we’re shown a recap – picking up a pattern here people? – of the AMAZING Cesaro/Kingston U.S. title match where Kofi defended successfully, and walked away… less successfully, being ambushed and partially Scalped by Cesaro.
ANTONIO CESARO DEF. ZACK RYDER BUT YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN THAT THE MOMENT I TYPED “ZA…” – Ryder gets in a few offensive spots, but Cesaro dominates this w/his combo of strength, mat wrestling, and brute force. This ends with a neutralizer and a three-count for Cesaro.
Cesaro grabs the mike, makes a “World’s most interesting man,” reference and runs down a list of WWE programming…
“I put the “W” in @WWE. There’s nobody on NXT, Saturday Morning Slam, Superstars, Main Event, Smackdown, and Monday Night #Raw that can hold a candle to what I can do in this ring.” – @AntonioCesaro
Okay, so this is our main course for the evening, the “invasion” of WWE HQ by Heyman and Lesnar. We’re shown some security footage stills of the two entering the building, and then we go to break.
Back from break, we’re live w/Paul Heyman via satellite. He gives us an exclusive video of him and Lesnar entering WWE HQ, threatening WWE employees, and trashing Triple H’s office, because one of the greatest minds in wrestling thought it would be a good idea to make a video of his client committing a felony.
“The destruction in this office is exactly what awaits @TripleH when he steps inside the #SteelCage at #ExtremeRules!” @HeymanHustle #RAW
“@BrockLesnar is going to take @TripleH to the EXTREME. And then, he’ll go further … and further … and further….” – @HeymanHustle
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Triple H is out to say Heyman looks like a baby chick, and remind us all he was the founding father of Degeneration X and the one who knocked Lesnar out at Wrestlemania. He then talks about the trashing of his office…
“I’m standing in my other office … and this office has one hell of a view! … This office is more like my home!” – @TripleH, #RAW
And this is my favorite moment of the night. Triple H finishes his promo, then there’s a moment of awkward silence – which is another theme of the night – And that’s when the crowd realizes he’s waiting for them! HE HAS TO CUE THE CROWD TO CHEER!
Rytman Remark: HE HAS TO CUE THE CROWD TO CHEER!
We go to break.
We come back to AJ and the Bellas walking out for their six diva tag match against Kaitlin/the Funkadactyls. This is followed by a promo for the new E! Show, “Total Divas,” which I’m guessing will focus on the Bellas.
WWE DIVA’S CHAMPION KAITLIN/THE FUNKADACTYLS (NAOMI/CAMERON) VS. AJ LEE/THE BELLA SISTERS – AJ dominates Cameron, Cameron is a screamer, (Cock Talk – Sunday 4 p.m. after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern on Mixlr,) AJ hits her w/two neck-breakers without letting her go, (nifty.) Cameron takes over, tags in Kaitlyn, AJ goes for a tag, the Bellas bail on her, AJ takes a spear by Kaitlyn for the three-count.
“She just pinned all three personalities!” – @JCLayfield #RAW
Rytman: When did this Kaitlin get three personalities?
Mark Henry is next after the break.
“Be a Star,” promo with P. Diddy, the guy I personally think killed Biggie/Tupac.
Mark Henry is out here to cut a promo on Sheamus acting real tough. That’s where the problem is. Henry doesn’t have to act tough. He Is Tough. Henry shows us him jumping Sheamus during interviews on Smackdown and RAW.
Sheamus interrupts Henry with his entrance. He shows us the parts of the video he left out. Sheamus shows us him punking out Henry in a tug of war on RAW, and an arm wrestling match on Smackdown.
Henry tells Sheamus he shouldn’t be joking around. Sheamus calls Henry a bear w/a sore head. They get ready to fight right there and then, and Barrett comes out.
Barrett vs. Sheamus after the break
SHEAMUS DEF. WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMP WADE BARRETT – During the break, Henry joined the commentary team and apparently Cole made Henry mad. Henry calls Cole “ate up with Stupid,” and tells Bradshaw to carry this like always. Everyone takes turns telling Cole to shut-up. During the match, Sheamus FAKES OUT tossing Barrett into Henry. Henry flinches and spills out of the chair. Henry gets mad and runs into a Brogue kick by Sheamus. Henry is down, and for a moment I think he’s hurt legit when trainers rush over to him. This is just a ruse however, so Henry can pull a belt off the attendant and go after Sheamus. Sheamus hits “White Noise” and the Brogue Kick on Barrett for the three-count. Sheamus is beaten down with the belt and take a “World’s Strongest Slam” on the arena floor. Henry walks off. Attendants try to help Sheamus.
Rytman: A lot about tonight’s show could be considered “ate up w/stupid.” And I’m sorry, but I’m starting to hate JBL more than Cole.
Back from break, we get the major announcement we’ve all been waiting for… next week, it’s official!
JERICHO!
VS.
FANDANGO!
IN A DANCE OFF!
We get another re-cap of the Heyman/Lesnar “Invasion” and we move on to our Main Event…
RYTMAN: AN ACTUAL WRESTLING MATCH! TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! THE MAIN EVENT IS A WRESTLING MATCH!
WHOOPDEE-PHUCKIN’-DOO!
RYBACK DEF. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE – Ryback will be on Jericho’s Highlight Reel this Friday on Smackdown. This match is a hard fought brawl, with the momentum going back and forth. Ryback sends Kane into the guard rail and takes over as we go to break…
Ryback is still in control as we come back, until he runs into a boot from Kane. Kane dominates Ryback until he runs into a spine-buster. Kane counters a Shell-Shock attempt w/a suplex, but makes the mistake of taking this fight to the top rope. Ryback crotches Kane and hits the Shell-Shock for a three-count.
SIERRA, HOTEL, INDIA, ECHO, LIMA, DELTA, BELIVE IN THE SHIELD…
Everyone’s favorite militia makes their appearance. Ryback bails as Daniel Bryan runs to the aid of Kane, followed by WWE Champion John Cena. Cena and Bryan manage to fight off the hounds of justice pretty well by themselves. Ryback has a chair and takes a few weak swings at the Shield, but really unloads on Cena with it as Cena tries to AA Roman Reigns. RAW ends w/Ryback; standing over a fallen John Cena.
Rytman’s Review: …
…
…
Ugh.
That’s it, that’s all I have.
Last week, you could at least give them credit for having a few solid, if predictable matches. This week had NOTHING! The slight amount of actual in-ring action was more like filler than any of the dumb skits. I’ll give them credit for making Swagger, Cesaro, and even Ryback looking strong here, but that’s it.
In conclusion, I wonder if WWE even wants to do RAW anymore.
Step 1: Steal a time machine
Step 2: Go back to the 1980’s and find yourself a Pogoball
Step 3: It’s hopping time, motherfuckers.
[youtube tgYzHV7Ftqc]
Let’s do this shit.
I’ve been watching AIW for over a year. They are without a doubt my favorite wrestling promotion outside of Texas. Matter of fact, I spend most of my time trying to get my wife to take me up there for a birthday or something. We’re still working on that. One thing I’ve told them since I’ve started watching is that they needed iPPV. There is nothing worse than hearing about this great show, waiting for it to come out on DVD, buying it and waiting for it to be shipped. (Ok, I guess the DVD never arriving is worse, but it can be pretty annoying.) Not only did they take the risk of doing an iPPV, but it was their Girls Night Out event.
There were plenty of risks. First and foremost what would the stream be like? Ring of Honor is a top caliber company and they can’t get a stream working. I’d never gotten a Smart Mark Video stream before so I was pretty nervous. We began with the first match.
First match: Addy Starr vs. Sassy Stephanie
Addy Starr has really improved over the past few years. She has an IT factor that I see. She has an infectious enthusiasm that comes out during her matches. AND I love the All-American Canadian gimmick. Stephanie is a very good soldier and has done a very good job to help create the lady wrestlers in AIW. I think she’s one of wrestling’s greatest villains, male or female. The match was pretty decent. The two gelled together and had pretty good chemistry. I was a little shocked by the match length and the outcome.
Winner: Starr
Second match: Athena vs. Kimber Lee
What I first thought of when these two locked up is that this could be billed as “The Battle Between the Girls Next Door.” Both just have that sweet “girl next door” feel. I was very impressed by the work here. No secret I’m a huge Athena fan, and I think she’s one of the best out there. We had a nice stiff match that was very entertaining. Really wish it would have been a little longer. No shock with the outcome.
Winner: Athena
Third match: Veda Scott w/Gregory Iron vs. Leva Bates
Veda and Greg began with cutting a lengthy promo, which I couldn’t hear because I can only not hear indy wrestling promos and my wife telling me to pick up milk on the way home from work. Leva showed up as Daredevil, which was a painful reminder that Ben Affleck had a career in between Good Will Hunting and Argo. The match itself was one of my favorites of the first 4. Veda is one of the best when it comes to matwork. I could watch her do her grappling/submission all day. And I love Leva’s bumping. It’s reminiscent of Shawn Michaels. I saw this one coming from a mile away. Veda with the win.
Winner: Scott
Fourth match: Annie Social w/The Social Network vs. Crazy Mary Dobson
I’ve seen Social look more impressive than she did tonight. She also looked like the puppies were about to break free, which normally I wouldn’t mind except for the fact I have Google with unlimited opportunities. It might be time to look for a safer, more flattering outfit. Dobson has been spending some time overseas, and a lot of that work is showing in her matches. The match was pretty good here. We had some brawling outside the ring. But other than that, this was a pretty clean match from Dobson. We all know she can do the Pondo Death Match style. But here she wrestled an actual match concentrating on in-ring work. Well-done by both.
Winner: Dobson
Don’t know why, but I didn’t see Dobson winning this one. So two of the first 4 matches were surprises for me. AIW tried something different that I usually don’t see. During the intermission, they gave us a bonus match from Girls Night Out 6 between Jenny Rose & Hailey Hatred, which was one of my favorite matches of 2012. There were some glitches here and there (and I mean everywhere) with the bonus match, but I thought they were genius for giving a bonus match during the intermission.
Fifth match: Jodi D’Milo vs. Angelus Layne
I was really anticipating this match, as I have never seen either wrestle and had only heard of Layne. I wasn’t that impressed by Layne’s look. The hair didn’t do it for me, looked out of a Mad Max movie (and judging by my Twitter feed, I WAS alone). When it came to the in-ring work, I was an immediate fan of D’Milo. She was stiff, strong, had some good kicks. I liked Layne’s in-ring style. In my opinion, the one who shone here was D’Milo, but Layne is the bigger name, so it makes sense that she get the win and continue at AIW. Easily better than any of the first 4 matches.
Winner: Layne
AIW has done pretty well about discovering Canadian wrestlers: Ethan Page, Josh Alexander. Add Jodi D’Milo to that list.
Sixth match: The Social Network (Nikki St. John and Heidi Lovelace) vs. Angeldust and K.C. Warfield
Sammy Geodollno is really growing on me as a manager. Lovelace is improving a lot and I’m liking her hair longer. Angeldust and Warfield worked well as a team. Warfield has also improved a lot in her in-ring work. She carried most of the load tonight. And St. John is this graceful, beautiful, athletic goddess (Sorry, Athena). I admire her in the same way I do Courtney Rush, just a stunning athlete. Nikki and Heidi spent most of the match brutalizing Warfield. This was a nice diversion from the rest of the night and gave us a storyline reason to come back.
Winner: Social Network
Seventh match: Allysin Kay (c) vs. Mickie Knuckles
This sure was “Don’t worry, it happens to lots of guys” booking. Mickie never lost the title. She relinquished the belt after finding out she was pregnant. How does this match not get more build-up? This is a huge freaking deal. I don’t think Mickie got enough of a chance to shine here. I love Allysin. She’s my favorite in-ring female wrestler. Watching her in the ring is a thing of beauty. I’m not sure how it looked to anyone else, but it was like a poetic masterpiece to me. Allysin looked like a star here.
Winner: Kay
Main event: Addy Starr vs. Athena vs. Veda Scott vs. Mary Dobson in a 4 Way Ladder Match for the #1 Contendership
What can you say about this match? You had 4 of the best in their craft going at it. They made this title seem important. I can’t decide where this match goes in my all time favorite female matches. Maybe top 3. Crazy Mary channeled Terry Funk. Addy really stood out in this match and really had a scene-stealing night. This is perhaps the best match I’ve seen from a Girls Night Out event and is probably my first choice for match of the year for 2013, male and female. This match alone was worth the price several times over.
Winner: Scott
All in all… The stream worked! I think that is the biggest victory.
The main event made up for an okay show. For what I’ve come to expect from AIW, this was not the strongest complete Girls Night Out event. If you have never seen AIW, if you are a fan of any of these wrestlers, and if you’ve only ever watched WWE Divas matches, this is a must own. The main event was great. I liked the Kay-Mickie match and D’Milo-Layne.
Allysin Kay and Veda Scott should be a really good match. There is some really nice buildup on the way.
1. Gary Jay vs. Darin Childs
Either Darin is really great at selling or he had a legit sprained ankle. Speaking for somebody who has had one, walking to the ring, much less competing in a match is a small miracle. Gary’s work was really good as always. It was a really strong first match, though I thought it was a bit short.
We had a Barrett Brown promo. He needs a mouthpiece. He has such an amazing presence in the ring; he just needs the promo ability taken off his plate.
2. Barbi Hayden & Bolt Brady vs. The Takeover
Barbi is probably one of the best wrestlers you’re not watching. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Barbi as a face, which is funny because she’s one of Texas’ top heels, male or female. This is my first time to see Miss Maulie. I’ve only had the chance to see Jaykus Plisken once and it was when I was ring announcer so I was running around trying to find my bearings. He has a great look and is a born main-eventer. He has such a presence. I wonder if he needs a mouthpiece to help preserve the gimmick. I liked Maulie’s work here. And Bolt earns his name as he is-sorry, I have to-“electrifying.” The pumphandle slam into the knee breaker thing was incredible.
Jojo Bravo cut a really nice promo heeling Ricky Romida. Bravo is where ACH was a few years ago.
3. Ricky Romida vs. Carson
Add Carson to the list of best wrestlers you haven’t heard of. The match itself started off as Andre the Giant vs. Cary Elwes from Princess Bride. The strategy was that you had a little man (which Carson isn’t) trying to take down the bigger man. Romida looked strong, and Carson put him over as a monster, which he’s not really that big. I was impressed by both’s work here. I believe we had a story told.
4. Jeffery Gant vs. Athena
When I see Gant, I wonder where the rest of him is. Athena is just in a class by herself. This match was way more competitive than I thought it would be. The longer it went, the more Gant impressed me. I might call him the Texas Spike Dudley. I found myself liking this match a lot more than I thought I would. This was a great showcase for Athena’s submission skills, but both looked great in this match.
5. Davey Vega vs. Barrett Brown
I was told how great this match was from a very impartial source-Brown’s dad. (Yes, that sentence was in jest). If you have never seen Brown, he’s worth it. You have Texas’ future vs. the U.S.’ future. (Give Barrett time. He’ll be the U.S.’ future too.) He was able to hang with Vega and he looked pretty good in the ring against a top tier indy talent. It was very emotional to watch this kid that I’ve watched ever since he was 16 get to wrestle in what is probably the biggest stage in Texas. He did really well in there against Vega. The scary part is that Barrett is only 18 and has no limit to where he goes.
6. Arik Cannon vs. Matthew Palmer
Matt Palmer is the best wrestler in the world you’re not watching. I like seeing Cannon every time I get the chance to watch him. They worked really well together and had good chemistry. The thing I write about Palmer is that he never forgets he’s in front of a live crowd. There is so much innovation in this match. Not only were they great in the ring, they were great out of the ring too. This is a great DVD if you have never seen either of these. I’m not sure what they paid Cannon, but he gave you a really good match with brawling, scientific wrestling, striking, lots of blood and made Palmer look like a million bucks. Whatever they paid him, it was a bargain.
7. Pierre Abernathy vs. Darin Corbin
This was good fun. They did a tribute to the Wrestlemania VI Main Event, Warrior vs. Hogan. After 3 really excellent matches, the crowd needed come down a little bit. This was very good comedy.
8. Jessica James vs. Christina Von Eerie
This was an interesting look and transformation for James. James has got to be one of the top female wrestlers in Texas. And Christina has got to be one of the top female wrestlers in the world. She has the most unique look in all of women’s wrestling, plus she is great in the ring. Any wrestler I’ve first heard about while watching AAA is pretty awesome in my book. The match was really good. There were a few moments where I noticed the little things both did well.
9. Mojo Bravado vs. Team Havin Fun (Rachel Summerlyn & Portia Perez)
I really don’t know what to think about some of these creative decisions as Portia is one of the top heels in the world, but she is really good with Summerlyn, and Anarchy is its own creature. It gets to do what it wants to. Jojo Bravo wrestles like a face but is a heel. To call Jojo one of the next big names in Texas would not be much of an exaggeration. He has that same energy and charisma that ACH has. You can’t teach what skills this man already has. Jordan Jensen is extremely good at the heel role. And I’ve gone into detail about what I think about Summerlyn, but just to repeat, she reminds me of a really pretty tomboy. Plus, with Summerlyn, you get Machiko, who is in my opinion, one of Texas’ hottest wrestling personalities. The match was a really good match with intergender implications. Jensen puts on a heel clinic, and both ladies owned the crowd.
10. Children of Pain 2.0 vs. ACH, Summers & Genesis
Wrestling doesn’t have too many wrestlers who looked like The Thing of Fantastic Four fame. Scot Summers is one. Ryan Genesis is pretty jacked up too. I consider these two to be the top tag team in Texas. And ACH is in a category all by himself. I haven’t seen Vexx too much, but I’ve seen Silver and and Sky (the Lost Boys) live and wrestled in one of my favorite matches of 2012. Watching ACH at this point of his career at ACW is like seeing Ric Flair in Charlotte, CM Punk in Chicago, Jim Ross in Oklahoma. It’s his hometown, and that crowd has made him. The match was pretty violent and everybody carried their weight. A good main event to capitalize on a really great card.
All in all… A really good show from Anarchy. The Athena-Gant, Vega-Brown, Cannon-Palmer trilogy of matches were all really good. There are so many great underrated or undiscovered wrestlers on this card: Barbi Hayden, Bolt Brady, Carson, Jojo Bravo, Summers & Genesis & The Lost Boys. There are some top women’s wrestlers: Athena, Christina Von Eerie, Rachel Summerlyn, Portia Perez, Jessica James, so if you like women’s wrestling, this is also very worth your time and money. I’d have to definitely make this a huge recommendation.
I’ve read the matches (non-spoiler version) ahead of time, and kill… me… now. This does not look good, people. There’s one or two on the card that look passable. But I must warn you, there will be much FFW content on this debacle. Unless you like immobile big guys that can’t really do anything in the ring. If that’s the case, enjoy! Not me, though. Ugghhh… It is hopping time… more like skipping time. Oh well, maybe they’ll make up for it with a whimsical Hornswoggle and Natalya cover of “Dueling Banjos” using flatulance instead of the five string percussive chording hybrid of an instrument? Fuck.
Hopping time, folks….
So I just finished iMPACT and I’m at a loss for words. Was the episode bad? No but it didn’t make much sense, that major glare of course was the reveal of Dixie and AJ. But first lets go over earlier parts of the show one being the Knockouts. Brooke Hogan is having a meeting with the talent in her dad’s office. I look around at the talent present and all I see is people who have already won the belt or are stuck in asinine story.