That being said, we’ll see how I do with this official shift… No real sleep yesterday due to a fun case of food poisoning will mean I get to this episode quite tired…

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work.

– Keep in mind that this is the go-home episode before the Hell in a Cell PPV this Sunday that has had a grand old two weeks of build… and they expect us to slap down our hard earned money for it. Sure… right…

– We kick things off with Booker T in the ring welcoming us to the show, and he introduces the current champion, Mark Henry down. Booker mentions that he was one of the first to congratulate Henry, but Mark alludes to Booker’s 6 time title reigns and that he thinks he’s being patronizing. All of this leads to hyping his match with Orton, and which the crowd responds with a “Randy” chant. Henry runs through his negative sentiments towards the last 15 years of catering to the fans whims and playing the fool. While it is essentially the same promo we’ve seen from him for the last two weeks, Henry remains convincing here.

Charles Barkley @G: “Hey G, I missed you in Calgary for Catriona Le May Doan’s Olympic Oval Casino Royale fundraiser last night… way to no show.”

G @Charles Barkley: “I spent it in a delirium caused by something that came up, Chuck.”

-* The Mediocre Khali vs Mark Henry (non-title match). This gets underway immediately after the opening interview without a commercial break. We just saw this on Monday, so I lose interest immediately and hit my FFW button. And as I’ve noted before, the big slow lumbering guys tend to appear to move at normal speed when I do this. Khali lasts longer in this short bout than on RAW, but still eats a World’s Strongest Slam as Henry picks up the win.

– Post match, Henry grabs a chair and places it Khali’s foot within it just as Henry has done to Big Show and Kane and putting them on the shelf. Khali Pun-jobs out as the referees run out to heed the Mediocre Khali’s apparent impending vacation.

I’m never going to look at these boxes the same way again.

– Teddy Long accompanies EMS with Khali on their way out of the arena, and Jinder Mahal walks in and yells something at Khali… Meh.

– *Evan Bourne (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs Jack Swagger (w/ Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero). We’re shown clips of Wellness Policy posterboy Mason Ryan making his return in an immediate swerve on Vickie and her new stable. It’s a short, but good bout. The two play off each other’s styles quite well! After some failed interference by the heels, it is Kofi’s attack on a ringside Dolph that finally distracts the referee and allows Vickie to trip up Bourne on the top rope. Swagger slaps on the Angle Ankle lock and submits Evan for the win.

– Sin Cara is up next. Which one? Why? Will he do an interview? Will they interview the mini trampoline? Maybe there’s a third Sin Cara now? So many questions… not enough killer penguins.

Here’ the best thing I’ve seen in my newsfeed on facebook in a long… long… while. Serious business, folks!

– * Sin Cara vs Heath Slater. Ugh, I wonder if they had to reshoot this match three times like they did in Calgary six weeks ago? Back then, though, there was only one Sin Cara. Micheal Cole ups the ante and makes jokes about Sin Cara number 7, and just like that Sin Cara beats Slater. This match appeared to be under thirty seconds.

– FUCK YES! Sin Cara appears also on the Trinatron and unmasks to reveal a Black Mask! He then talks about Mistico or something (it’s kind of incoherent) and they will meet at the PPV to decide who will earn the right to be called Sin Cara. I’m assuming the one in the black mask is Hunico, but whatever. At least now their ring gear is different colours so the viewers can discriminate between the two (just hopefully not based on their colours, because that’s racist… err… lucha-ist? I’m sure their move sets will determine who is the face and who is the heel).

Hmm… who could be the heel in this fight?

– Because there can never be enough HHH, according to Hunter, we are shown a clip package of HHH dominating the show. Backstage, Johnny Ace meets with Christian, Dolph, Vickie, Rhodes, Swagger, and Attorney at Law (and bow-tie wearer) David Otunga who promises he has a legal plan to get something done about this abuse of power. You know? I think Otunga fits the role perfectly, especially with Christians recent theme of the use of lawyers in his gimmick. Here is a faction that works upon a common interest. I am shocked I am digging Otunga right now, but I am.

What a show-off! An awesome, cool, show-off…

– *Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly vs Natalya (from Calgary, Alberta, Canada). Beth Phoenix joins the commentary team and discusses Kelly’s recent string of fluke clean wins over Phoenix which has ruined a good wanted program. The bullshit continues as Kelly gets a rollup win in about 30 seconds over Natalya as a little piece of me dies inside. Post match, Nattie locks Kelly into an odd looking submission move and Beth torments her on the microphone for the live crowd’s pleasure. Fuck the kids in the crowd, they got their Sin Caras.

Old school video game “keep-away”?

– * Sheamus vs Cody Rhodes {C} for the I.C. Title. Rhodes comes out first, because tradition is often forgotten. I hate when they do that. Paper masks are handed out… so Rhodes takes the microphone and “goes on the record and [he] is being discriminated against by the WWE.” He also notes how Orton used the ringbell on his skull last week opening up Rhodes the hard way. I loved seeing all that ketchup, honestly. Such a rarity. Got to wonder if we’ll see anyone don the crimson mask in the Hell in the Cell matches, the one match you EXPECT to see blood in. Anyways, Rhodes states he is defending his title under protest tonight.

– Our match gets underway as Cole calls Booker, “Little Booker” for some annoying reason repetitively. Surely someone told him to say that…

Snow @Lemon: “Tell me he didn’t just say that?”

– After a commercial break, we return predictably to the heel Rhodes in control beating down the palest Irishman this side of North American soil. Rhodes works Sheamus’ left arm with submissions and from outside upon the ring post. Love the psychology from the sexually ambiguous brother of a son of a plumber. I wonder if New Jack has any nude photos of Golddust actually… which was the theme song utilized by Audiomaster G’s question on today’s weekly installment of Wonderpod. Download here. While I posted that shameless plug, Sheamus gets his power meter maxed out and hits some opposition and sets up for the Celtic Cross…. BUT NO!!! Christian runs in, and makes the save with the Unprettier Killswitch… This forces the DQ! Rhodes retains.

– Some crap interview with HHH about his new direct-to-DVD movie. I think it’s called, “See No Profits” or something like that. FFW. I stop to check out an ad for the new game, “Rage.” It looks kind of fun, even though I can’t afford it on drop day. I will certainly keep an eye out for it on the cheap during the video-game off-season.

Maybe this is how the Sin Cara match will end on Sunday (but with more masks)?

– WOO! WOO! WOO! You know it! I thought he was just the assistant GM on Smackdown…. umm…

– * Zack Ryder vs JTG in a, “Yes, JTG still has a job match.” Don’t get me wrong, I actually like JTG, but for those wondering, he’s been stuck on NXT for the last long while. JTG begins things with some nice offense, including a sick looking reverse face buster. I’m not too sure what what to call Ryders current move set, as it’s gimmick heavy, but Booker’s excitement for it certainly puts it over. Ryder lands a knee to the skull on a prone JTG in the corner after about 4 minutes for the win. Even Cole is putting over Ryder by the end of this one.

– Laurinitis meets with HHH backstage (Johnny Ace is texting, as usual). HHH drops a hint about his secret meetings and trust… Then Orton cuts an interview with Matt Striker which promptly puts me and the entire arena to sleep… the terrible promo skills continue…

An interactive Angry Birds Birthday Cake? Very cool.

– *Christian vs Randall Keith Orton. After a quick DVR check, we’ve got twenty minutes for this one… which is good as many of the better matches of the year have included this particular tandem (on WWE programming that is). There is nothing on the line here, though… just maybe pride. Therefore a Mark Henry run in is expected…

– Things start off with Orton grasping his inner-orange-person-collar-popping-machoism (yes, he’s the face) by pushing the heel around. WTF? That was illogical, but Christian keeps coming at him in reverse-booking logic fail. Not a good start. And then we cut to a commercial break…

[youtube KK2BSpplyOs]

– Enough with the Fool-Pitying and Shoe-Putting-On… we’re back. Hey hey! SURPRISE! The heel is in control coming out of the break. Christian demonstrates his own brand of assault by wearing down the Viper and humiliating him in the corner with some head smacks… Orton responds with a take down of his own, but Christian will have none of it, isolating the “head-part-of-Orton.” Good psychology again! The back and forth continues as the two fall into an appealing groove making both appear strong. We’ll just forget about the start of the match, thank you. Christian breaks the attempt at the suspended rope DDT, goes to the top ropes, only to be reversed! We’ve gotten to the point where these two know each other so well, they continue this game of missed spots. Captain Charisma looks to set up a spear… and connects, BUT NO!!!

It’d be even cooler if they switched both boards at the same time, but since I can’t do this, it’s still a neat trick!

– Christian wonders what the hell he has to do to finish Orton off… and goes to slap the Killswitch, nope. Reverse, suspended DDT? Yep. Orton looks to hit the RKO, so Christian runs up the entrance ramp… and is brought back down and into the steel steps for his troubles… The bell sounds as the referee appears to have counted out both combatants. Winner? No one… but us. Good match, folks!

– But this isn’t over. Orton clears the announce table, and sets up Christian… CODY RHODES runs in for the save and the two double team Orton. In runs Sheamus and Brogue kicks Rhodes, then chases Christian off into the depths of the arena. Ahh… there’s Mark Henry. Henry is immediately attacked by Mr. No Sell Orton, but cannot land an RKO on Henry, who slams him down. Henry looks to walk off… turns, and reconsiders. He goes for the steel chair to put Orton into his proclaimed “Hall of Pain.” But he takes too much time, and ORTON HITS AN RKO ON MARK HENRY!

– As much as I am no fan of Henry’s matches generally, he better retain on Sunday. Enough with the WWE’s three week title switch fetish.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

The post Smackdown: 09/30/11 appeared first on BoredWrestlingFan.com.

[Joker voice/] And here we…go!

We open with a video recap of the Red and Yellow Lantern, Abyss, and the Ring of Infinite Power. Your Empress of “Impact” is not amused.

To the ring. Homeless Man Abyss has returned, and he’s throwing chairs into the ring. He stalks SoCal Val, and she backs away. He scares some fans out of the way and grabs their chairs. Abyss returns to stalking Val. Hey look, it’s Hulk Hogan! The Geriatric Savior strides (as much as a near-cripple can stride) to the aid of the sultry redhead. Except he doesn’t, really. He just enters the ring to huge chants of his name, completely ignoring Val. Eric Bischoff rushes the ring, and Hogan and Bischoff argue over who should be doing what in order to deal with this. Please, dear gods, ignore the chants of “Let them fight!” Two security guys separate Abyss and Hogan as Bischoff plays peacemaker. At first. Bischoff gets in Abyss’s face and calls him an “ungrateful son of a bitch” before slapping him. Abyss attacks Bischoff, who lands some chair shots. Abyss does a patented Hogan No-Sell. Hogan gets caught in a chokeslam position, but elbows his way out of it. Nice to know that can happen, as almost no one else has ever done it. Jeff Hardy runs down and makes the save for Hogan. Abyss shouts that Hardy is his tonight. Nothing like a little creepy homoeroticism to open the show, eh? Abyss gets laid out and left in the ring as everyone else leaves. As Mike Tenay and Taz run down the evening’s card, however, Abyss gets up and makes his way to the announce table. He plays the intimidation card and beats up security guys, but Taz refuses to back off. Taz squares off with the Abyss drooly-face as we go to commercial.

To the recap of what just happened!

To the back! Bischoff and Hogan argue about how to cut Abyss out tonight. Hogan says that Abyss is a cancer in TNA, and that he has to be got rid of tonight.

Ink, Inc. vs. the Motor City Machine Guns: Yes!!! Oh, sweet mother of god, yes! Alex Shelley and Shannon Moore start. Chants of “Motor City!” are huge! You aren’t getting much commentary out of me onthis one, I’m sitting back and enjoying it. Neal and Moore double-team Shelley, but he kicks out at two. Neal is legal. Neal tags Moore. Shelley is thrown to the floor. Sabin runs in, but gets thrown to the floor also. Land on me, Sabin! Huh? Oh. Sorry. MCMG double-team Moore back in the ring. Brother Devon joins the announce team. He says that Brother Ray has made a fool of him enough, by telling him that he’ll leave Jesse Neal alone and then not doing it. Ray has no reason at all to have problems with Neal, as Neal is only doing and behaving like Team 3D trained him. He’s just like they were when they were coming up in the business. Fair enough. The action in the ring is good, but it isn’t important. Brother Ray walks down to the ring, yelling at Neal. Devon springs from the table to challenge Ray. The MCMG double-team Neal during the distraction, and Shelley gets the win. Huzzah!

Winners: Motor City Machine Guns

Bischoff enters and announces the official main event of Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy. Bischoff adds a special referee. It’s Rob Van Dam.

To the back! Dixie Carter enters, talking on a cell phone and carrying a bag. She just got here, it seems. Of course.

AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe: AJ enters in his Nature Toddler robe. Ric Flair and Kazarian come out and lecture AJ. Samoa Joe needs no one. Tenay and Taz talk up the fact that Flair says that he’s looking at all members of the TNA roster to be a part of his “Fortune” faction, not just the ones who have been with him thus far. Massive chants for Joe, “Joe’s gonna kill you!” I love when Joe no-sells his opponent’s chops, then slaps him in the face! Joe and AJ can’t have a bad match, so I’m sitting back and enjoying this one as well. Flair and Kazarian exchange words with Joe from the floor throughout. Joe totally dominates AJ until AJ thumbs the eyes and lands a drop kick. Nice spot where AJ struggles to get Joe up for a slam, and yells at KAzarian after he finally succeeds in doing so. Joe fights out of a suplex attempt and slams AJ down face-first. AJ takes out Joe’s knee. AJ grounds Joe with a rear choke. Oh, this is a good match! AJ fights out of a Muscle Buster, but Joe locks in the Kokina Clutch, and AJ taps. AJ is bleeding from the mouth. Post-match, Flair and Kazarian corner AJ and rip into AJ. Flair and Kazarian leave AJ in the ring. The dissention continues! AJ grabs a mic and asks Kazarian if he thinks that this is funny. He would beat Kazarian in the ring like a crying little girl. AJ challenges Kazarian for a match next week on “Impact,” asking Flair’s blessing. It is given, as all this is being done to impress Flair and raise his ego to even more biblically epic proportions.

Winner: Samoa Joe

To the back! Hogan, Bischoff, and Dixie argue about Sting being out of control. Hogan calls Sting “cancer,” and says that he has to be gotten rid of. Hogan and Bischoff proceed to make Dixie look like a new employee being politely chewed out by Burger King management. Seriously. It’s appalling. Don’t tell me that it’s because she’s a woman, either. Kevin Nash enters, and is asked to wait outside. Kevin Nash has had more tv time than Hamada, whose contract is almost up, and (from what I’ve heard) is most likely not being renewed. FAIL!

Desmond Wolfe vs. Brian Kendrick: This is a “submissions” match. Which could be awesomely awesome. Chelsea wants nothing to do with Desmond Wolfe, and refuses to take his glasses and jacket. What’s with all the really good matches tonight? Douglas Williams comes out for commentary, and has a great line about Kendrick “watching ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ and thinking that he’s a submissions specialist.” Chelsea walks out on Wolfe, distracting Wolfe just enough for Kendrick to lock in a version of the Cobra Clutch. Wolfe taps. Read that line again. Desmond Wolfe tapped out to Brian Kendrick. I don’t have a problem with that, but whose cereal did Desmond Wolfe pee in to get this absurd demotion?

Winner: Brian Kendrick

Coming up next: “The Pope” returns!!! Huzzah!

To the video package on “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero! This one is really good! I’m an altar girl in the Pope’s congregation, so I’m biased. Wheee!!!

To the ring! It’s “The Pope!” He’s quite sedate by his usual standards. He has a mic, though, so it’s all good. Huge chants of “Welcome back!” “Hallelujah!” “Pope is pimpin’!” The man is almost in tears as he says that moments like these make it worth every minute of busting his butt in the ring. Touching. Now he launches into “The Pope” persona, and all is good! You’re just going to have to watch this promo for yourself. Pope calls out Mr. Anderson for injuring him before, and says that while Anderson may have pulled the wool over the eyes of others, he isn’t buying it. Pope wants to earn his way in the rankings system, not constantly defend the fact that he’s still in the rankings despite being out injured for so long. Hey look! It’s Kurt Angle! Music and pyro precede a snappily-dressed Angle, who walks to the ring and gets a mic. Angle welcomes Pope back, and calls him the future of TNA wrestling. Pope and Angle meet in a match at “Victory Road,” as Angle is now fighting the #8 Contender. Angle shakes Pope’s hand and says, “May the best man win.” He points out that his first loss could be his last match on this title quest, and that he “MUST be victorious.”

To the ring! A clean-shaven Jay Lethal comes to the ring in his wrestling gear, and calls out AJ Styles and Ric Flair for beating up Lethal’s brother last week. Neither man responds, but Matt Morgan does. Morgan has been asked by Flair to be the first member of the Fortune stable. Morgan says that he hasn’t decided yet, but that he and Flair do agree on one thing. Kicking Lethal’s butt. Morgan proceeds to destory Lethal as the bell rings.

Jay Lethal vs. Matt Morgan: Was this a scheduled match? If so, why was Lethal surprised to see Morgan? If not, why was the match allowed? Meh. Much is made of the Morgan/Hernandez cage match at the ppv, but not a single word about Homicide getting his skull kicked into the ring post by Morgan. Shameful. Absolutely shameful. Meanwhile, back in Story A, Morgan continues to annihilate Lethal. Lethal dodges a Carbon Footprint, and Morgan crotches himself on the ropes. Lethal fights back with a flurry of chops, kicks to Morgan’s knees, an enziguri, and a drop kick. Morgan catches Lethal in a chokeslam, and throws him to the floor. While the referee is checking on Lethal, Hernandez runs down and low-blows Morgan. You know, because no smaller guy can ever beat a big guy in HoganBischoffLand without interference or help from another big guy. Lethal covers Morgan for the win.

Winner: Jay Lethal

To the back! Abyss fashions a new toy out of wood and metal, much like a Special Ed section of shop class.

Taylor Wilde vs. Madison Rayne: This is a non-title match. Rayne looks frighteningly like Angelina Love did when she led The Beautiful People. Coincidence? Wilde has shorter hair now. Yes, it’s been that long since we saw Wilde on tv. A big deal is made by Tenay over Sarita’s absence at ringside, and “friction” between the former Knockouts Tag Team Champions on Xplosion. Hah! Taz tells Tenay to “watch the product,” and he’ll know what’s going on. Not that this match matters at all, because the Original ECW Faction shows up and walks through the crowd. Tommy Dreamer, Raven, Stevie Richards, and Rhino. I loved these guys as much as anyone, and was a huge fan of the original ECW, but there’s a reason that even Paul Heyman wouldn’t touch this invasion reboot with a ten-foot pole. Post-match, Angelina Love rushes the ring and tries to DDT Rayne onto a chair. Rayne escapes. I seriously hate how Knockouts matches, X-Division matches, and matches involving guys who aren’t WWE rejects get kicked into the background for other storylines. It’s insulting.

Winner: Madison Rayne

To the back! Dixie Carter climbs the stairs in search of Sting. Honestly, I’ve been a stronger and more aggressive leader in my classrooms and during my plays than Dixie has EVER been, on tv or in real life. I’m just sayin’.

To the back! Sarita, dressed in black, beats the everloving hell out of Taylor Wilde. Hooray for random heel turns! (credit to ThinkSoJoE)

To the back again! Dixie finds Sting. She tells him that he’s suspended for 30 days without pay. Sting laughs it off, and tells her that she’s been conned. Bischoff enters and has Sting removed by security, referring to him repeatedly as “cancer.” Bischoff tells Dixie to get some 24-hour security, as Sting is out of control. Oh, sweet mother of god….

Special referee Rob Van Dam enters, and he looks rather happy as he walks through the smoke. Hmmm….

Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy: “Weighing in excess of 350 pounds.” Now that’s funny! Abyss still loooks like a homeless man. He carries a 2×4 covered in shards of glass and nails. Jeff Hardy enters very slowly and catiously. Hardy orders Abyss to drop the stick, and while RVD tries to get the stick away from Abyss, Hardy attacks Abyss. Hardy knocks Abyss to the floor. HArdy gets knocked to the floor. The pacing of this match is slow, but the match itself is just dull. Abyss gets a chair. RVD takes it away. Hardy rolls up Abyss, but only scores a two-count. Hardy scores another two-count after a Whisper in the Wind. Abyss gets a two-count on Hardy. The Shock Treatment is countered into the Twist of Fate. Hardy attempts a Swanton Bomb, but Abyss knocks him down. Abyss climbs the second rope and goes for a chokeslam. Hardy knocks him down with elbows to the head, and hits a Swanton Bomb for the win. Post-match, Abyss beats down Hardy. RVD gets involved, and Abyss plants him with a Black Hole Slam. Abyss retrieves the stick, and gets back in the ring. Mr. Anderson runs down with a chair, and uses it to knock the weapon out of Abyss’s hand. He goes for another chair shot on Abyss, who dodges, and Anderson hits Hardy instead. Anderson himself gets a Shock Treatment from Abyss, and The Monster is left standing tall in a ring of carnage.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

One more show before the ppv. Join me for more real-time goodness, plus a BWF Round Table for “Victory Road.” In the meantime, be sure to check out our BWF comrade Gee’s most excellently entertaining coverage of tonight’s TNA “Impact” right here:

http://projectwonderboy.morphinenation.com/?p=3053

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

The post “Impact” Impressions 7/1/10 appeared first on BoredWrestlingFan.com.

Smackdown

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The Over the Limit PPV is this Sunday, and this is the last show before the WWE expects you to pay your hard earned money to pay for broadband internet to access pirate streams to ante up for the show! Will it suck? Only one way to find out!

Since these reviews are debuting on Bored Wrestling Fan, as well as continuing to run on Project Wonderboy, I should probably give a quick run down to those of you new to my style of wrestling show reviews, just so we’re on the same page. And I would encourage all of my cohorts from Wonderboy to check out BWF since it rules, and in many ways they gave me a start before I ever ended up with the Morphine Nation crew. I straight up write these while I watch. I work during nights (and the day too at another job), and DVR all things TV. I utilize my FFW power with a heavy thumb. If I think something blows, I’ll tell you that I am FFW’ing my way through it. Also, I do not do traditional recap styled articles. I write what I’m thinking while I watch. Thus, expect inane tangents and whatnot as you suffer alongside me. I will get these up generally the night of the show, but not immediately after or during except on special occasions. With that being said, it’s suffering time!

– We kick things off with three shots of rum and a cold, cold beer! Wait, that was me… Interestingly enough, Luke Gallows and Serena explain the SES philosophy in Canada since we can drink legally here at 18 or 19 (depending on the province you live in). CM Punk stands idly by as three young men sit in chairs await a head shaving to join into the Straight Edge Society. Fucking awesome stuff. Punk gets evangelical and requests the hands in the air or on the TV. I love this Jim Baker stuff! He makes them recite a mantra which includes this gem: “One Nation under Punk.” As the SES shave the heads of the Canuckleheads, Rey pops out! He displays a bald image of Punk on the trinatron to build the heat as we cut to commercial break…. Good opening bit! But it’s CM Punk, so I expect nothing less.

– I wonder if the following people are honorary members of the SES?

Picard? Nope. He hangs with Stone Cold on weekends…

Kojak? Hells no.

Mr. Clean? A likely candidate by name, but not with that heroin addiction… sorry kids!

– During the break, CM Punk and the SES beat the hell out of the three new recruits to demonstrate what they will do to Mysterio at the PPV. That was a little anti-climatic. Onto a bit with Layla (won the championship last week). Bleh. They both have belts for some reason. Since when has the Free Bird rule played out on a singles championship? Good thing no one really gives two shits about the Diva title any more… A crap things, get worse as Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly and Tiffany Kelly come out to do “battle.” FFW, don’t care. I can download porn. Looks like McCool got the pin on Tiffany.

– Big Show cuts a promo on Swagger… it’s like a PSA and it’s awesome! He emulates the Swagger bit, “Did you know three weeks ago, I knocked Jack Swagger out? Did you think that was impressive? That’s just one of my many accomplishments.” Ha ha ha!!!

– BROOKLYN, BROOKLYN! JTG, the non-Jannetty (in my mind) of the now defunct Cryme Tyme. He’s set to battle the Dude Buster known as Caylen Croft. I might have spelled his name wrong, guess what? I don’t care. Good action to start us off! JTG is flying all over the ring and picks up a quick decisive win! Nice.

– Backstage to Vickie Guerrero with Christian and tonight is the return of his “Peep Show.” Awesome! Vickie wants to be the first guest on his show… Christian says, “I’d like to, but I want people to actually watch the show.” He tells us he has a list from the peeps including Bret Hart, the Mountie, the Brooklyn Brawler, the Subway guy, and Lester “the guy who loves chicken.” But tonight’s guest is someone else….

It’s got to be Lemmiwinks… Gerbil King!!!

– Great… it’s Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins (new tag team) facing Jeremy Barner and Brent Roberts. In some ways, even though the jobbers are facing jobbers. Well, the new jobber guy with the dreadlocks can sell! He takes some nice looking bumps, as does his partner who lacks dreads. Vance and Hawkins look good in a TNA style match (i.e. under two minutes) which ends in a squash. Apparently Archer is called “American Psycho” now. The two grab the mike…. these two have 22 days left to make an impact via Teddy Long’s month long contact. I’m still not impressed.

– Another awesome Big Show PSA making fun of Sthwagger. Once again, he reminds us that he beat down Swagger via chokeslam through the announce table two weeks ago. I love this.

– Jack Swagger is out and looks like a mess. Unshaven… His accomplishments, Oklahoma, and his Daddy were all disrespected… so now he’s on a mission to return the favor against the Show this Sunday. The crowd totally hates him. Out comes Kofi Kingston for a match.

– What starts with Kofi on top, comes back from commercial break with Swagger in full control. A little beatdown outside the ring makes its way into said ring. Kofi almost hits a mid rope spinning punch but lands crotch first on a Swagger kick. Roshambo?

Matt Striker tries to tell us it’s to the inner thigh… its not… owww!!!

– Kofi opens a window with a nice looking DDT after selling a ton of moves. “Shelton Benjamin Kofi Kingston can do things in the ring no one else can do,” Grisham tells us. Mid match, Show comes out with a mic allowing for a distraction allowing Kofi to pick up the win! Show tells us one more all important Jack Swagger fact, points to the trinatron which reads: “Did you know? Kofi just beat you” That, my smarky friends, is how you pull a distraction/interference angle.

Christian’s Peep Show is up next… WHAT A RUSH

– His first guest is Hornswaggle. He’s STILL wearing his DX uniform. Hmm… if it wasn’t Christian, I’d be unimpressed. Christian calls him on the DX gear, calls him “Swoggle.” Tells him to do the DX chop… interview time? Christian teaches Hornswoggle how to speak Canadian. LINES FROM DOUG AND BOB MACKENZIE! AWESOME! SWOGGLE SAYS THEM!

“Take off, eh”

“Yah hoser”

AND THEN:

“Hockey”

And then what Christian bills as the most important word in the Canadian vernacular:

“Beer”

– Vickie interrupts and Christian calls her fat and a moose. Chavo is also with her… the little guy learns about another creature, this one bearing horns, and yells it at Vickie. This is pretty fun stuff. Chavo enters the ring to defend his aunt. It’s a ruse! Dolph Ziggler attacks Christian from behind as my brethren, the Canadian crowd boos. Frogsplash via Chavo as Vickie looks on. I am surprised that I can say, I loved this segment considering it had ‘Swoggle in it. Wow.

– Rey and MVP are up against Punk and Gallows. The SES start us off with some intense attack methodology on our face team… and then commercials ruin everything… FFW!!!!!!!!!!

-…during which I try and find an animated gif with the keyword search, “fast foward.” Instead I pull up this little unrelated gem:

It’s a different world, from where you’re coming from. Somebody hook me up with some Dwayne Wayne flip-up sun glasses attachments, yo.

– TANGENT!!!

– We come back and the heels are controlling the action slowly… and nicely. Even Luke Gallows takes control of MVP for a while. Hot tag to Mysterio shakes things up as Rey goes into flippy floppy mode. Rey finds a way to pull out a win. Ok match… kind of got distracted (late, drunker, more socially involved online).

– A nice little exchange between Kofi and McIntyre helps build their weekend feud… it’s not ground breaking or anything, however, I enjoyed the confrontation. Both men seem more and more comfortable each week. We need new blood in the WWE.

– The Big Show is set to face Drew McIntyre in our main event. Whoop-dee-doo? Maybe… but there is 9 minutes left including these horrible, horrible advertisements for the remake of the Karate Kid to sit through… FFW of course ensues.

– But it is lackluster… slow and plodding. McIntyre is not made to look weak, but Big Show plays his usual “giant card.” Lots of brawling style fighting (hard to call “action”). I suppose there is a good reason I can give a nod to my bro’s ThinkSoJoE and J.T. explaining why I am also a bored wrestling fan. The match dissolves as Jack Swagger interferes and he gets some chair shots in on Big Show’s knee. And that’s the premise for our PPV, folks… because:

WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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Random Morphine Reference:

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How about you go hit up some BWF forums Morphine Nation crew? Seriously… stop being bored.

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Shameless Plugs!

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Bored Wrestling Fan

Project Wonderboy

Morphine Nation

The post Smackdown: May 21, 2010. appeared first on BoredWrestlingFan.com.

However, we have a show to watch, and a double-whammy birthday to celebrate! That’s right, both BWF Founder ThinkSoJoE and the Lord and Master of Randomness, JT, have birthdays tomorrow. Yup, it’s Friday the 13th. Insert your own joke here.

Speaking of jokes, will TNA convince us to spend our hard-earned money, or at least three hours of our time, on Sunday’s “Turning Point” pay-per-view offering? Tonight is the go-home show, so join me in crossing the line to find out!

We open with a recap of the Dixie Carter/Hulk Hogan partnership announcement, complete with clips from the “locker room speech” that Dixie gave last week. The one that was best left unshown? Yes, that one.

Super Dave Osbourne is pimping his new show on Spike TV. He and Mick Foley banter back and forth about Osbourne being allowed to book one match. No title matches. If the Knockouts are involved, they must dress appropriately. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal interrupts, and asks about the “wrestling legend” who has shown up to face him in his invitational. Lethal doesn’t know who Osbourne is. Neither does anyone else. We end a painfully bad segment with an equally painful exchange between JB and Osbourne over Osbourne’s lack of interest in Twitter and Facebook. Apparently, preferring to talk to people for real makes you an idiot.

To the ring! Mick Foley joins Mike Tenay and Taz at the announce table. Foley was apparently not informed of the Carter/Hogan partnership, and was not a part of it.

Match #1: Dr. Stevie (w/ Daffney) vs. Abyss: Daffney is zombiehot and smokin’, as always. Abyss looks like a homeless man, as always. If Abyss pins Dr. Stevie, Dr. Stevie must leave TNA. Lots of commentary during this match, which rather distracted from it. Even if it’s Dr. Stevie, it’s “career on the line” match. Treat it like a big deal. Dr. Stevie holds his own rather well against Abyss, but walks straight into a Black Hole Slam. As the referee counts to three, the lights go out. When the lights come back up, both Abyss and Dr. Stevie are laid out in the ring. Daffney screams “Pin him!” as Dr. Stevie does so. Foley denies having anything to do with this, and rushes the ring to attack Dr. Stevie. The lights go out again. A fireball is thrown. The lights come up. IT’S RAVEN!!! Raven hits the Evenflow DDT on a fire-blinded Foley. Raven laughs and hugs Dr. Stevie and Daffney as the medics see to Foley and Abyss lays there.

WINNER: Dr. Stevie (and the fans)

JB stands with Raven, who hangs around JB’s neck. Dr. Stevie and Daffney hug up as well. Dr. Stevie snaps that he would never leave TNA, and that he is here to stay. Raven spews forth brilliance, which just has to be seen. A recap of a Raven promo is pointless.

Next week, Sting will speak on the Hulk Hogan acquisition and his own future in the wrestling business.

Match #2: “The Future Legend” Alissa Flash vs. Traci Brooks: Traci shoves Flash, and it’s on. Flash targets Traci’s right arm, which Tenay “reluctantly” announces has been handicapped since birth, and was never mentioned on air because Traci didn’t want it known. Flash hits Traci with a shoulder breaker on the right shoulder, and locks in an armbar. Traci immediately taps. Post-match, Traci attacks Flash and causes a bleeping frenzy with her swearing. Taz and Tenay talk up how Flash “crossed the line” (see what I did there?) and attacked a handicapped body part. Why Traci chose to become a wrestler while knowingly having said handicapped body part was not mentioned. If this is a face turn for Traci, it’s stupid way to go about it.

WINNER: Alissa Flash

Who is the legend to accept “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal’s invitational challenge? I don’t know, but those boots are made for walkin’.

Match #3: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart: This is Natalya’s dad. Anvil totally dominates Lethal. Chants of “Anvil!” and “You’ve still got it!” No. No, you cretins. That was for Ricky Steamboat. Anvil wins with a slam. Thanks for playing, Lethal.

WINNER: Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart

To the back! Lauren tries to interview Bobby Lashley about the issues between Scott Steiner and Lashley’s wife, Krystal. As Lashley tries to answer, a production crew member interrupts, and tells Lashley to come to the tv production truck. Lashley does so, and sees a video recorded by Steiner. Steiner is not at the Impact Zone. He’s at the hotel where Krystal has been left. The husband is always the last to know that the wife is after another man. Lashley gets in his car and takes off, with the camera crew following him in another car.

Super Dave and JB discuss the best possible match to book in Foley’s honor while Foley is at a nearby medical facility. JB suggests the X-Division. It’s a go.

Match #4: The Beautiful People & Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita, ODB, & Tara: The intro graphic said that The Beautiful People are considering a new reality show called “Better Than You.” CM Punk will not be pleased, and will have Lita kick the crap out of all three of them. Lacy Von Erich carries a pink police baton with “Lacy’s Ugly Stick” painted on it. Tara dominates Madison Rayne, and tags in Taylor Wilde. Wilde and Sarita double-team Rayne. Now it’s Sarita and Lacy Von Erich. Poor Sarita. She has to try to make Lacy Von Erich look not horrific in the ring. Fortunately, Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne step in and double-team Sarita. ODB flattens Rayne and Sky with her gigantic rack. Lacy Von Erich drops ODB with a clothesline. Tara drops Lacy. Kong drops Tara. Kong and Wilde go in the ring, but Wilde gets hit with an Implant Buster by Kong. Post-match, Kong and Tara stare down. Lacy tries to hug Kong, but Sky and Rayne hold her back.

WINNERS: The Beautiful People & Awesome Kong

To the back! Super Dave and JB have the bulk of the X-Division in the office. Amazing Red (with Don West), Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Homicide, Sheik Abdul Bashir, and Kiyoshi are there. Super Dave encourages them to kill themselves, and do what he does for a living, and have the greatest match ever for Foley. The concept is one thing, but couldn’t it have been stated in a better way? We still have no idea what the match is. I guess no one really cares besides me. Super Dave makes Don West stay, and says that the guy in the kerchief stole some pictures and a few other things from the desk.

Kurt Angle talks up Hulk Hogan as the most intelligent person in terms of the wrestling business. he knows what works and what doesn’t work. Everything will be so much better now. Uhh….

Tenay announces that the camera crew has returned with the Lashley/Steiner footage. Lashley runs to his hotel room, finding Krystal ok. For the moment. Steiner bursts in and attacks Lashley with a lamp. Krystal screams and calls for help. Once Steiner leaves, she picks up the phone and calls again.

To the ring! Kurt Angle walks to the ring. Footage of Desmond Wolfe’s attacks are shown. Angle tells us that AJ Styles and Matt Morgan are men who have reached their potential, almost at the level of a Kurt Angle. He respects that. He doesn’t respect a punk coming in off the street and trying to end his career and his livelihood. How recently did Angle say those exact same things to AJ, Sting, and so on? Desmond Wolfe has earned nothing. Wolfe interrupts from the big screen, sitting in a bar with a random hot chick. Angle tries to interrupt the video, but there is no response. That part just looks bad. Wolfe says that he doesn’t want to beat Angle. he’ll leave that to the Matt Morgans of the world. He wants to hurt Angle. He’s here to take him out and take his place. As Angle shouts at the video, Wolfe enters the ring behind Angle. He attacks Angle, but Angle dodges and they fight to the floor. Angle gets the upper hand, but Wolfe drops Angle on the floor with a vicious DDT, then hits him with a chair. Wolfe crouches over Angle and says, “Third time’s the charm, Sunshine.” Awesome line!

Match #5: Amazing Red (w/ Don West) & the Motor City Machine Guns vs. Kiyoshi, Sheik Abdul Bashir, & Homicide: This is a six-man tag team X-Division match. Homicide and Alex Shelley start. Homicide dominates, and drags Shelley to the World Elite corner. Bashir tags in and stomps on Shelley in the corner. Bashir tags in Kiyoshi. Shelley and Kiyoshi trade chops. Shelley takes one to the throat. Bashir tags back in, and Bashir and Kiyoshi double-team Shelley. Homicide gets dragged away by security for having Foley’s barbed-wire baseball bat. Shelley tags in Red, who cleans house and

WINNERS: Amazing Red & the Motor City Machine Guns

To the back! Lauren interviews Desmond Wolfe, who says that he’s here to take Angle’s place. He could have destroyed him out in the ring earlier, but he let Angle have just enough energy to crawl in the ring on Sunday, where he w…

Note from ThinkSoJoe: Hey folks, BWF Founder ThinkSoJoE here, letting you all know that we had some technical issues with this week’s “iMPACT” Impressions, which caused us to lose about half of the review.  The technical issues are seemingly resolved, and Drowgoddess will do her best to get the rest of the review up sometime tomorrow.  Sorry for any inconvenience!

Note from Drowgoddess: Sorry, everybody. So much for the best-laid plans of mice and men and BWF staff members. Here’s a link to another review of the remainder of the show from the Observer site:

http://www.f4wonline.com/content/view/11318/

As a final compensation to you, dear readers, for incomplete “iMPACT Impressions” this week, I give you this. I feel compelled to share the glorious bounty. You’re welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpv8ixM9epA

The official BWF Round Table for Sunday’s “Turning Point” ppv will be posted shortly.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

The post “iMPACT” Impressions 11/12/09 appeared first on BoredWrestlingFan.com.