I wonder why I started my review off with this particular animated gif? Perhaps the answer will be on BWF Radio this Sunday. It’s the fifth anniversary of the website.
What will happen tonight on Smackdown? Who will die? Who will live? What mysteries will be solved? The answer to all questions is “plums.” And with that, set up the hurdles. On your marks, get set, HOP!
As the wind whips around outside my house I figure I should take the time and give you the results of this weeks edition of Main Event featuring a 11 man Battle Royal to become #1 contender for the Intercontinental Championship. (more…)
The only new content on this show was taped around RAW this week, and the rest will likely be all hype, zombie attacks and video packages towards Mania. Hence, this review should be really short. Probably like one jump. Not even hopping, just hop. Now get to it and click that hyperlink below…
That’s what it’s called.
We open tonight with a recap of the Rock’s win at Royal Rumble. Tonight is RAW ROULETTE live from Las Vegas.
Now we’re looking at Vicki Guerrero in front of three roulette wheels. A superstar wheel, a stipulation wheel, and a “Vicki’s choice” wheel. Vicki announces the first match of the night and spins the middle wheel, making it a “special guest referee” match.
C.M. Punk is out and he is angry. He claims he is the people’s champion and is throwing a tantrum about last night. He berates the crowd for supporting a “cheater,” and says Vince, Rock, and the crowd are all cheaters. Punk coins the phrase “Phoenix Screw Job.” Punk is still the champion and he is here to “crash” our “party.”
Vince is out. He accuses Heyman of being behind the shield. He cuts Heyman off when he tries to protest, then announces a “performance evaluation,” of Heyman in the ring tonight, featuring surprise video tape “evidence.”
Randy Orton is out. He is facing Antonio Cesaro in the first match tonight. This is the “special guest ref” match Vicki made earlier. Cesario is out next, swinging the American Flag.
And now, our special guest referee… THE MIZ!
And we go to break.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. THE MIZ
We come back with the match in progress. Orton gets a two count. Cesaro dominates in the corner. Miz gets between them. Orton in control with a clothesline and a snap-mare. Orton gets another two count with a suplex. Both men trade shots on the outside, Orton drops Cesaro on the guard-rail, and takes control back in the ring with stomps and a catapult into the bottom rope. Both men trade uppercuts, the crowd gets into it. Cesaro takes control, whips Orton into the ropes, Orton backdrops him to the floor.
And we go to break.
Cesaro in control when we come back. Both men fight in the corner, Cesaro takes over with a headbut and a turnbuckle shot. Cesaro gets a two-count and takes control with a headlock. Orton fights out, Cesaro hits a slam for two. Gut-wrench by Cesaro for two. Cesaro hits a face-lock. Orton fights out, ducks a clothesline and hits two of his own and a scoop-slam. Cesaro hits the flying uppercut and pummels Orton in the corner, but he gets into an argument with Miz and eats an RKO when he turns back around.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
After the match, Miz treats Cesaro to a Skull-crushing finale.
Back with the wheels, Vicki spins Ryback into a “make me laugh” match. Ryback gives Vicki a snort and heads to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Andre Aggassi and Stefi Graph in the audience. Titus O’Neal and Darren Young are in the ring with Ryback and Matt Stryker. Stryker explains that the challenge is to make the crowd laugh. Funnest man wins. After two “jokes,” Ryback decimates O’Neal while Young keeps a safe difference. Stryker announces Ryback the winner, Ryback destroys Stryker, and the whole announce team climaxes over an assault on an announcer.
“What has four eyes, twenty fingers, and is about to be unconscious?” – Ryback’s “joke.”
Video Package for Bob Backlund’s induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame.
And we go to break.
SIDE NOTE: Will someone PLEASE explain to me what Stryker has done that his being attacked for NO CLEAR REASON warrants such jockularity?
We come back to Vicki spinning the wheel. It lands on “players choice,” meaning IC champion Wade Barrett gets to pick his opponent. Barrett chooses NXT rookie Bo Dallas, who eliminated Barrett in the Royal Rumble last night.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS BO DALLAS
Barrett goes right after Dallas, but Dallas fights out of the corner. He hits an arm-drag/dropkick combo, but Barrett takes over with vicious kicks and stomps. Barrett goes for the Bull-Hammer BUT BO DALLAS GETS THE THREE WITH A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!
WINNER: BO DALLAS!
Backstage, a spin of the wheel pits Cody Rhodes against John Cena
And we go to break.
We come back with the announce team hyping up John Cena replacing Fred Flintstone on the cover of boxes of “Fruity Pebbles.” We even get a “tale-of-the-tape” graphic with Cena vs. Fred Flintstone.
Yes, that happened.
JOHN CENA VS CODY RHODES
Cody and Cena trade shots until Cena hits a suplex and Cody rolls out the ring. Cody takes the mike and anounces he’s leaving. Cena grabs him and sends him back in the ring. Cena hits all “Five Moves of Doom,” and gets the three-count.
WINNER: JOHN (DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING DIFFERENT?) CENA
Cena gets the mike and cuts a promo to the crowd, acknowledging the crowd not being in his corner. We get a “Cena Sucks” chant. Cena gives Punk credit for staying champion for almost two years, and besting him every time. He turns his attention to the Rock, recaping their fued, and his loss at Wrestlemania 28.
“There were times when he couldn’t carry my jock-strap.” – John Cena.
Cena chooses the WWE champion and the Shield make their entrance. Cena brings it to them, but the odds are against him and the Shield beats him down. Sheamus tries for a save, but doesn’t do much better. Ryback is out next, and he does a little better, but the Shield take him out. Sheamus and Cena try to fight back, but this ends with the faces down and out, and the Shield walking away.
And we go to break.
We come back recapping the Shield assault on Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback. We go back to Vicki for another spin of the wheel. It lands on “Lingerie Pillow Fight…” featuring Tensai and Brodus Clay.
Ghaaaaa….
Tensai refuses to do this and stomps off. Vicki makes Brodus spin the “Vicki’s choice” wheel and it lands on a dance off.
I have a bad feeling.
We get a look at A WWE fan-event, and then Brodus comes out to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Jerry Lawler in the ring with Tensai…oh dear God…
Oh God no…
GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Tensai is in women’s underwear. He was not told this was a dance off. Tensai IS GOING TO DANCE IN WOMEN’S UNDERWARE.
WH AM I WATCHING WRESTLING? I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS! THEY OBVIOUSLY DON’T WANT ME TO WATCH ANYMORE! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!?
Oh yea, King works in a “What happens in Vegas…” reference. Tensai dances and I want to die.
RON SIMMONS CAMEO: “DAMN!”
We go to world heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio spinning the wheel and getting a “body slam challenge,” against The Big Show. Vicki wishes him luck. Del Rio reminds her in Vegas, “anything can happen.”
And we go to break.
We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez introducing World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Del Rio comes out and shakes hands with the fans, giving his scarf to a small boy in the crowd. We get a tiny “Si” chant until the Big Show comes out.
BODY SLAM CHALLENGE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS THE BIG SHOW
Show attacks Ricardo and Del Rio right off. Del Rio hits some kicks but Show clocks him with the Big Right Hand. Show tapes Del Rio to the ropes. Ricardo tries to protect Del Rio, but the show just brutalizes him. Del Rio can only helplessly watch. Show wraps more tape around Del Rio’s hand, as Show goes back to beating Ricardo. Del Rio begs for Ricardo’s life, but show gives him the Big Right, and goes back to bullying Del Rio. Del Rio is clocked out, and the Show lumbers off, leaving carnage in his wake.
And we go to break.
We come back to a recap of Show’s Rampage and WWE divas in Showgirl outfits.
LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS LUMBERJILLS MATCH – WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN VS TAMINA
This does NOT make up for Tensai.
I can hardly bring myself to type this. Tamina takes charge with the head-lock of doom and boots Kaitlyn to the floor. Aksana and Alicia Fox jump her. Kaitlyn fights them off and whacks Tamina with a showgirl hat. She hits Tamina with some shoulder-blocks and goes for a pin. Then it naturally becomes a messy cat-fight, that ends when someone hits the music.
NO CONTEST: ALSO, NO DIGNITY
We return to another recap of the Shield beat-down on Cena and friends.
And now, our NEW WWE champion…THE ROCK!
One word; FINALLY, as in…
“FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO LAS VEGAS!” – The Rock
And finally, the Rock is once again WWE champion. He calls this moment the proudest of his career, and takes a moment to thank all of us. He recaps Punk’s put-downs of the people, and tells us those crap days are over. He makes a remark about Heyman needing a bra for his “Twinkie Tits.” Tonight is the People’s Era,
“AND WE’RE ALL GETTING PIE!” – The Rock
Punk is out, accusing the Rock of not earning that title, and the crowd is too stupid to realize he is a genus. Punk says Rock should hand him back the title out of respect for his father and grandfather, and apollogize to him for tarnishing what he’s accomplished. Rock says if he had an ounce of manhood, and “nuts between his legs,” he’d come downthe ramp and take it. Rock gives him the choice of being a man, or a “punk ass bitch.” Punk will stand up on the stage “like a Punk-ass bitch,” because it’s cool to swear, and Punk will do things when it suits him, not Rock. Punk reads off a list of appearences Punk will be making, and offers Rock a chance to face him at anyone of them, if it fits his schedule. If not, he’ll give Rock a rematch in three weeks (at Elimination Chamber.) Rock agrees to face him at Elimination Chamber.
When we come back, Sheamus faces Damien Sandow in a tables match.
And we go to break.
We come back with Sandow in the ring. We see a recap of him spinning the wheel backstage earlier where Vicki makes an obvious statement aout the match being a tables match.
“How Observant,” – Damien Sandow
Sheamus takes over early and sets up a table. Sandow slips out of a slam and leads Sheamus into/out of the ring, where he hits a drop kick. Sheamus tosses a table into Sandow’s face, but Sandow takes over with a shoulder-breaker. Sandow traps Sheamus’ arm in the table and stomps on it, droping both knees on the arm. Sheamus fights back, but misses a Brouge-kick. Sandow charges but Sheamus hits a flying shoulder-tackle. Sandow takes over and hits the “elbow of distain.” Sandow lays Sheamus on a table and goes up top, but Sheamus cuts him off. Sheamus ends this with “the White Noise” on Sandow, through a table in the corner.
WINNER: SHEAMUS
When we come back, Vince McMahon confronts Paul Heyman with an in-ring “performance evaluation.”
And we go to break.
We’re back.
Karaoke.
Zack Ryder and the Great Khali, singing superstars theme songs.
We’re going to have a Karaoke challenge with Zack Ryder and The Great Khali.
OH THANK GOD! 3MB!
Heath Slater is out and asks “are you kidding me?” Jinder calls them an embarrasment. Drew jumps in Khali’s face and gets chpped down. It turns into a brawl and ends with Hornswoggle splashing Slater and thank God it’s over!
Backstage, JERICHO! NEXT!
We’re back to BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!! Jericho makes his comeback to RAW, in tiny shorts and the sparkly jacket. He talks about being out for six months and his surprise return at the Royal Rumble. He thanks us all for welcoming him back and it’s something he will Never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver forget again!
Ziggler comes out w/AJ and big E, to ask what he’s doing here? Ziggy and AJ recap how they got rid of Jericho last year, Jericho tells him to put his “crazy little dog on a leash before she pees all over the ring.” Big E. threatens Jericho, who responds with a joke about his pec size. Vicki comes up on the screen to inform Ziggler she re-signed Jericho. She spins the whel and it lands on “Strange Bedfellows,” meaning Ziggler and Jericho must team up against WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No. The champs make their entrance, and Ziggler starts off with Kane.
And we go to break.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER/CHRIS JERICHO
Well this was quick. Ziggler starts off in control of Daniel Bryan, while taunting Jericho by faking the tag. Ziggler hits a body-slam, and the elbow. Ziggler keeps taunting Jericho until Jericho “tags” Ziggler in the back hard enough to put him down. Jericho takes over on Bryan, hitting a drop-kick n Kane and a lion-sault on Bryan. Bryan hits a flying kick and gets Jericho in a head-lock. Bryan tags in Kane, but Jericho shoves Bryan into him. Kane and Bryan start yelling at each other. Bryan shoves Kane, Kane shoves Bryan down. Jericho tags in Ziggler but cheap-shots Kane in the back before walking out on the match. Ziggler yells at him, before turning into a choke-slam from the p-o’d Kane.
WINNERS: HELL NO
After that, we get our next HOF inductee high-light video, Trish Stratus.
And we go to break.
We’re back…
BROCK LESNAR JUST KILLED VINCE MCMAHON! I’m leading with this because I want to make sure you have a reason to keep reading.
We came back to Vince making his way to the ring. Vince called out Heyman and informed him that Punk had been escorted from the building. Heyman came out and offered Vince a handshake. Vince accepted it, then used hand sanitizer. McMahon proceeded to grill Heyman about the Shield and Brad Maddox. He asked Heyman if he ever lied…
“You know, a long time ago, I remember – in the Madison Square Garden dressing room, I heard your father say the phrase “Adversity defines a man’s character in his darkest hour.” And faced with the adversity of the fact that I have a feeling I know where this is going, I will tell you, I have lied every day of my stinking life because I am a promoter, and that’s what promoters do…” – Paul Heyman.
Possibly the best answer humanly possible. Heyman goes on about how he’s lied to stay alive and still have a business and a job the next morning. He promises to be an honorable man if that’s what it takes to stay. Vince seends the camera into Heyman’s face and asks the crowd if this is an honorable man with an honorable face, they say no. Vince shows footage of the “Brad Maddox experience.” Heyman has Maddox in a dark tunnel, orders the cameraman to shut it down. He then makes the same mistake EVERY VILLIAN WRITTEN BY A LAZY WRITTER EVER MAKES AND ADMITS EVERYTHING ON CAMERA. He tells Maddox that the Shield gets paid more than him because they are worth more. He sics the Shield on Maddox and the cameraman. We come back to the ring where the same crowd that chanted “ECW,” now chants “You got busted,” and the “goodbye” song. Heyman claims that wasn’t him. He claims it was a bad Vegas impersonator, and goes into a rant about his sucess with Punk and ECW. He denies being the man on the tape. Vince gears up the catchprase, wishing him well in his future endevors, we get to “YOU’RE…”
Here comes the pain.
Lesnar’s music hits and he makes his way out to the ring. Heyman begs him not to do anything, Lesnar orders him into the corner like a dog. He gets in Vince’s face, Vince warns him not to do anything he’ll regret later. After a pause, Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON VINCE MCMAHON!
RAW ends with Heyman begging Lesnar for Vince’s life, and leading him out of the ring.
Well, THAT was something. To you the good readers, I apollogize if this report was less than “real time.” I’m still trying to get the hang of it.
That’s about it for me peep-holes. See you next week (maybe.) Ryt-place, Ryt-time!
Been a while hasn’t it?
Tonight I Rytman will be recapping RAW in real-“RYT”-time. This is my first attempt for BWF, as well as my first attempt period. (<- see? Right there.)
Bear with me folks…
Well we’re off to the best start as I’ve missed three minutes so far. We have Heyman and Vicki in the ring, recapping the “Rock” concert from last week. Heyman is not thrilled with Vicki calling for a replay of Rock’s remark about his penis, Heyman responds calling for a replay of Rock’s serenade to Vicki. We’re getting the whole song.
Great…
Vicki confirms Rock is here tonight, but announces he is banned from the building and will be arrested if he tries to enter. Vicki is told the Rock is here and we go live to the Rock tyring to get in. The police warn him he will be arrested if he tries to get in. Rock says arrest C.M. Punk, for impersonating a champion, Heyman for not wearing a bra in public, and ask Vicki Guerro what her intestines are like because she has her head shoved straight up her @$$. He also compares Punk’s scrotum to Manti Teao’s girlfriend, (imaginary.)
Back in the ring, Vicki makes it clear if Rock tries to get in the arena, he WILL go to Jail…
“If you smell – EXCUSE ME! – What the Vick is cooking” – Vicki Guerrero
BEAT THE CLOCK: WWE US CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
We’re back with U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro in the ring, and Randy Orton comming out. This is going to be the first in a series of “Beat The Clock” matches. Whoever wins their match in the fastest time, gets to pick their number of entry in the Royal Rumble.
The match so far is odd, it seems slow-paced, however at the same time, neither man is wasting a lot of time setting up moves. Match starts with an exchange of headlocks with Cesaro dominating for two minutes. Orton gets a shoulder-block and the match becomes a slow-brawl, spilling to the outside. Both men gather themselves as we go to break.
Back from break, a brawl in the corner ends with Orton outside to the floor. Cesaro takes over with a gutwrech, a stomp, and chin-lock. Orton fights free and hits two clotheslines and a scoop-slam. He tries for the middle rope ddt, but Cesaro escapes. Cesaro sends Orton up and hits the bicep uppercut. He sends Orton shoulder-first into the post and Orton spills to the outside. Cesaro goes out to get him and tosses him back in the ring, however his mind is on the clock and not Orton. RKO out of nowhere for three.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
TIME: 11:36
Next up is a highlight reel for Mick Foley’s Hall Of Fame induction, followed by a Shield promo, showing their past attacks on WWE superstars. And we go to break.
Back from break, out comes The Big Show. We get a replay of Show losing the World Heavyweight Championship to Alberto Del Rio two weeks ago. Michale Cole announces Big Show gets his rematch at the Royal Rumble, in the same match
BIG SHOW VS ZACK RYDER
Brad Maddox invades the announce table to put himself over as the new star of the broadcast team. Show ends this with the big right hand in less than two minutes. Show tries to give us an example of what will happen to ADR at RR by counting out Ryder. The crowd gives him two “WHAT” chants, and he gets so angry he just leaves.
WINNER: BIG SHOW – NO DUH
Up next, Ryback vs Heath Slater. We go to break.
Back from break, Brad Maddox interrupts Paul Heyman’s phone call to make him an unwitting guest on “The Brad Maddox Experience.” Heyman admits he was wrong about Maddox and agrees to make him famous. Segment ends with a handshake, and Brad leaving while Heyman gives him a weird look.
RYBACK VS SCREW IT-HE TOSSES THE OTHER TWO GUYS AROUND AND PINS HEATH SLATER
After the match, Ryback cuts a promo about entering the Royal Rumble.
“Damn, my job is fun.” – Ryback
We go back with the Rock trying to talk his way into the show. Vicki interrupts and demands he be arrested. The officers can’t until he does something illegal. Vicki offers to lift the ban if Rocky apologizes to her. Rock makes it clear that won’t happen, and reminds her she still looks horrible tonight. Vicki storms off, and the Rock tells the cops he has a plan, as we go to break…
We come back to an announcement about RAW in Las Vegas next week, featuring RAW Roulette.
Paul Heyman and WWE champion C.M. Punk enter to address the people.
“What I have here, I hold more dear to my heart, then most men hold their families. This is my life’s work and for 428 days I have proven that I am the man. But 428 days is just a faction of the time it’s taken me to get to this point. I’ve worked half my life to attain this, the most prestigeous title the WWE has to offer, and I will not allow the Rock, or any man to take this from me. The Rock is here to entertain, the Rock is here to electrify, to sing songs and tell jokes. I am here to hurt people and be the champion. I will not allow the Rock to leave the Royal Rumble as WWE champion because this is why I am here, because this is important. It’s important because I have made it important, it’s prestigeous because I have made it prestigeous. What is prestigeous to the Rock is the most meaningless, insignificant thing imaginable. It’s you, the people. The people, the cheers, the chants, the signs, the adulation. The Rock is proud of being the people’s champion, almost as proud as I am of being a real champion. I will not allow the Rock to become WWE champion because I’ve been in the ring with him, I’ve looked him in the eye. I’ve seen all the way down into his soul and I’ve seen why he’s so proud of the people and being the people’s champion, it’s because he knows he cannot be this. A long time ago, I was forced to make a choice between hypocritical humility and honest arrogance and I chose honest arrogance. While the Rock foolishly chose all of you. You can call him electrifying, you can call him the Brama Bull, you can call him the great one but what you cannot call him is champion, because this… this belongs to me, and this you earn with blood and sweat and tears and for 428 days I have done just that. I have earned this. I have earned the right to be called champion. I have earned the right to be the man. In six days Rock, this is what you’re on a colission course with, so for six days please, by all means, enjoy being the peoples champion, enjoy the cheers, the chants, the signs, I want you to slap every hand, I want you to wink at every hopeful look your sheep-like fans give you, cause I realized something a long time ago, that the people do not matter. This is all that matters, and in six days at the Royal Rumble, it doesn’t matter if I smell what the Rock is cooking. All that matters is that what these people cannot give you, will remain rightfully around the waist of your undisputed WWE champion, best in the world, C.M. Punk.” – C.M. Punk
BEAT THE CLOCK: THE MIZ VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Pretty much the opposite of the first match, as both men go right for the fall. Ziggler hits a flurry of spots, but Miz takes over, matching Ziggler’s aggression and going after the knee with a VICIOUS shoulder-tackle. Miz goes for the figure-four, but Ziggler sends him to the outside. Big E. Langston shoves him hard into the apron and Ziggler gets a two-count, as we break…
Back from break, Miz makes his comeback with fists, charging clothesline, axe-handle off the top rope. Miz goes for a skull-crushing-finale, Ziggler rolls him up and holds the tights for two, Miz reverses it, and grabs the tights for two, almost pulling them off Ziggler. Ziggler hits the flying DDT for two. Miz gets a reverse face-lock-knee-drop combo, Ziggler shoves off a neck-breaker, Miz catches Dolph’s legs and gets the figure-4. AJ distracts the ref as Big E. pulls Dolph to the ropes. Miz jaw-jacks with him and Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag from behind for the three count.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER
TIME: (10:56)
After a break, we have a recap of WWE tag champions Team Hell No (Kane & Bryan Danielson) punking out team Rhodes Scholars at Dr. Shelby’s command last week.
In the ring, Dr. Shelby introduces Team Hell-No as the first graduates of his anger-management course. Kane and Bryan come out in graduation robes. Shelby congratulates them on how far they’ve come (with a few well hidden cheap-shots,) and Shelby asks them which of them deserves to be valedictorian, and get the chance to talk about their feelings. Kane and bryan both try to pass it off on each other. Shelby suggests they hug. This eventually leads to Dr. Shelby, Kane, and Bryan leading the whole arena in a huge “hug-in,” that includes Lawler and Cole, the ringside doc and Justin Roberts, and members of the audience. It ends in a huge group hug with all three men in the ring.
It is truly a glorious train-wreck, as we go to break.
Back from break, we get a recap of Kaitlyn winning the Diva’s championship and Eve Torres quiting WWE.
Alicia Fox is in the ring, as Kaitlyn makes her way to ringside.
WWE DIVAS CHAMPION VS ALICIA FOX
Kaitlyn wins this with a spear. In fairness, Alicia didn’t look horrible here, but then again, she didn’t do that much to botch.
Backstage, Heyman walks with Punk, telling him that he’s earned something special. Heyman promises a “Paul Bomb,” later tonight while Punk chills in a fully stocked, private skybox. We go to break.
We come back to Heyman in the ring.
“Champ, this one’s for you.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman is here to act as an interpreter for Punk, seeing as the crowd can’t keep up with someone as articulate as Punk. He promises to “keep it simple.” He calls the Rock “stupid,” just like the people, for focusing on him instead of Punk.
“IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!!!”
Rock is out the back and in the ring, apparently getting around the ban by buying a ticket off one of the cops. Rock calls Heyman “Twinkie Tits,” and chases him out of the ring. The Rock addresses Punk, saying he’s earned the right to be called the best in the world, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Rock is a man who will rip his face off. Rock goes on to compare himself to Dr. Martin Luther King, saying he has a dream, to make it to the mountain top, the promised land, and be WWE champion. Promising that when he beats Punk, we will be “free at last.”
Then the lights go out.
The lights go on and the Shield is beating down the Rock. Rock fights back, but it ends with the Shield laying him out. Punk gets the mike and tells Rock he has to pay a price for his freedom. He tells Rock there’s only room for one man on the mountain top, and that eventually, you have to wake up from your dream.
We come back from break with a quick tribute to MLK, and a recap of the Shield assault. During the commercial, Rock was able to walk out under his own power.
Sheamus is out, he or his opponent must beat Ziggler’s time of 10:56 seconds for the chance to pick their number in the Royal Rumble.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS SHEAMUS
We start with some stomping and punching. Barrett pulls the arm of Sheamus over the rope. Sheamus hits a kick to the gut and runs to the ropes, but Barrett hits a clothesline, sending Sheamus over the ropes and out to the floor. Here we go to break…
Back from break, Barrett is in control kicking Sheamus off the top corner, hitting a suplex for two, and hooking an arm-bar. Sheamus punches his way out and its an axe-handle. He ties Barrett up in the ropes for ten forearms and hits a suplex. He goes for white noise, but Barrett elbows out and tries a pump-handle. Sheamus slips out and misses a brogue-kick attempt. Barrett hits two back kicks, one to the gut and one to the head for two. Barrett hits the elbow of the second rope and makes a wasteland attempt. Sheamus elbows out of it and hits white noise. AJ Lee runs out with Ziggler/Big E. in tow. She runs in the ring and skips in front of Sheamus, blocking him. She leaves, and Barrett hits a spinning side-slam for two. Barrett misses a clothesline, and Sheamus hits the Brogue kick but the time is up.
DRAW: NO WINNER
ZIGGLER WINS THE RIGHT TO PICK HIS NUMBER
Ziggler, AJ, and Big E. are in Vicki’s office, braging about their win. Ziggler ribs Vicki by singing Clapton to AJ. Vicki informs Dolph he didn’t win the right to pick ANY number. He won a choice, of one… or two.
Punk and Heyman walk backstage, Vince McMahon confronts them and threatens to strip Punk of the title if anybody interferes in his title match with the Rock.
Back from break, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Tensai is in the ring.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS TENSAI
Tensai starts off strong with big right hands and forearms. He has Del Rio pinned in the corner with headbutts. Tensai with a hard whip to the corner AND MY PICTURE FREEZES. I MISS EVERYTHING up to Del Rio hitting a moonsault for the three count.
After the match, Del Rio cuts a promo on Big Show, saying there will be a ten count IN SPANISH. He leads the crowd in a ten count in Spanish.
Promo package for the second inductee for the Hall Of Fame – BOB BACKLUND!
As he makes his way to the ring, we are promised that John Cena will address the WWE universe after the break.
Cena makes it to the ring. He starts talking about Sundays. He finds a kid in the audience and starts in on how great Sundays are. No, school, playing video games, he asks the kid if he’s the one keeping him in noob status on Call Of Duty 2. (He reveals his gamer-tag as skidmarks187.) He turns his attention to a lady in the crowd, asking her about how Sundays are about reliving Saturday night and surfing YouTube, thinking she might’ve hooked up with someone special. He turns to a guy in the front row, and says his Sundays are about waking up surrounded by bodily fluids, a recite for two blow-up dolls, (one missing.) And posting embarassing photos on Twitter. Cena promises that on Sunday, he will win the Royal Rumble.
This leads to Sheamus coming out to refute that, followed by The Prime Time Players, Randy Orton, The Miz, eventually the entire locker room comes out to claim they’re going to win the Royal Rumble. This leads to an impromptu battle royal as we close out.
Okay, needles to say; you’d have to be generous with the definition of “real-time” in regards to what I’ve done here. There were rough patches and interuptions. I hope I gave you guys some idea of wha was going on, and that you enjoyed it.
For now, I’m Rytman and I’m out.
This will be brief.
We open with a recap of WWE champion C.M. Punk running away from Ryback on last weeks’ show, leaving his team to be decimated by Team Foley. Backstage, Miz tells Heyman he quits.
We go to the ring for a six-man tag with Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio and R-Truth against U.S. champ Antonio Cesaro and the Prime Time Players (Young/O’Neil.) Truth and the masked men win the match with a head scissors, 619, and a “little Jimmy.” During the match, Re and Cara seemed to have some legit confusion over a double team.
Lawler returns next week.
Vicki Guerro came out to talk about AJ and Cena some more. I think the crowd was chanting “QUIET!” I’m not sure. Cena came out and brought up her being GM on Smackdown while being married to Edge, and hooking up with Dolph Ziggler. He calls her something I don’t understand. We get videos of AJ in a bathrobe knocking on a door, and John in a towel opening and closing a door. Vicki demands AJ come out. AJ, on the tron, threatens to attack Vicki if she comes out, Ziggler steps in and implies AJ is a whore. Cena heads to the back. Vicki laughs manically.
https://sandynjrelieffund.org – Because they decided to do at least ONE WORTHWHILE THING TONIGHT.
Backstage; Heyman talks Wade Barrett into joining Team Punk. Barrett hints at a favor.
Hell No comes out. We get Daniel Bryan against Cody Rhodes. A brawl on the outside sets up a win for Cody. Cody grabs the mike and brags that Sandow could beat Kane. Kane grabs Sandow.
We get Kane verses Sandow. Bryan chases Cody into the ring. The ref throws them both out. Kane wins with a choke-slam.
Cole interviews referee Brian Maddox. Maddox screwed Ryback out of the title at Hell in a Cell so he could be famous. Vince comes out and says if Maddox can beat Ryback next week, Maddox will get a $1,000,000 contract. He sends Maddox out and calls out Vicki Guerro. He scares Vicki into booking Punk into a three-way defense against Ryback and John Cena.
We get Sheamus against Miz with Big Show at ringside next. Miz looks good, getting in a lot of offense and dominating the match, but it ends with a brogue kick and a three-count for Sheamus.
Backstage; Vicki comes out of Vince McMahons office and tells Dolph Ziggler he’s the new captain of Punk’s team. Punk steps in to voice his objections; Vicki tells them they’re facing Ryback and Cena in tonight’s main event.
We get a promo for FANDANGO?
Backstage; we have Sheamus; thanking Stephen Regal for all his support, and agreeing to have dinner with him.
We get a recap of Vicki’s “evidence,” against AJ, and then we watch Aksana and Eve walk to the ring.
Our next match is Layla/Kaitlin vs. Divas champion Eve and Aksana. Kaitlin pins Eve and no-one cares.
Backstage; Alberto Del Rio and Roberto Rodriguez discuss being on Team Ziggler when Rosa Mendez bumps into ADR. He smiles and they hit the ring.
WWE IC champ Kofi Kingston comes out, followed by Ricardo announcing ADR, who drives out in a $500k Aston Martin. We get a recap of last Friday’s Smackdown, where ADR cost Randy Orton a loss against Wade Barrett, and Randy responded by attacking him backstage.
Our next match is Kingston vs. Del Rio. It’s a hard fought match, with the tide going back and forth until Orton’s music hits and distracts Del Rio, allowing Kofi to get the pin, and Orton to run in and RKO Del Rio.
We get a recap of the Maddox interview and Co-Bro (Santino Morella and Zack Ryder,) come out.
We get a tag team match with Co-Bro vs. Mo-Co (Primo/Epico) w/Rosa. We get a chant for Ryder and Santino gets the pin w/the Cobra.
Next up is Wade Barrett vs. Brodus Clay. Barrett is clearly the crowd favorite, despite the “Funkadactyls,” embarrassing attempt to rally the crowd. Barrett wins with the “souvenir.”
We get footage of people in a pub for some reason, and then we get Heath Slater w/Jinder Mahal vs. Jay Uso w/Jimmy Uso. Slater wins with the “Smash Hit,” (wide swinging DDT.)
And now, our main Event
WWE heavyweight champion C.M. Punk comes out with Paul Heyman. Punk recaps his victories over Ryback and Cena, and mentions his reign has been 351 days and he is the best in the world. Ziggler comes out followed by Cena (to a hostile crowd) and Ryback.
Our main event is a tag team match, Ryback/Cena vs. Punk/Ziggler. Cena carries most of the match as the face in peril. The big finish is Cena making the tag and Ryback devastating their opponents. He tosses Ziggler out of the ring like a doll, and pins Punk with the Shell-shock. The show closes with a Cena/Ryback stare down and Ryback going “Feed Me More…Feed Me More…etc.”
Let’s get one thing out of the way, just so we can focus on the big picture: I’m not involved in tonight’s Monday Night Wrestling head-to-head programming as SpikeTV’s “TNA Impact” steps up against USA Network’s “WWE Monday Night Raw.”
Ironically, the fact I took my first vacation since 1993 lead to the rumors of my involvement, and those rumors ended up taking on a life of their own.
Since I’ve never actually enjoyed a “road trip” with my children, I figured it was time to experience a little bit of Americana with The Heyman Kids, and we set out on our little insane adventure. While I checked in regarding the Hustle (and other projects) frequently … ok, at first, obsessively, but I learned to relax a little … key words being “a little” … I didn’t respond to many calls or emails.
And that’s when the rumors got out of hand. “Heyman’s bringing in RVD and Ken Anderson…” “Heyman’s opening up the show on January 4th…” “Heyman is a 75% lock to start on Impact.”
I wish someone would have taken some action on that percentage. My money would have been on the 25% that I wasn’t showing up.
I’ve been the subject of rumors before, but when close friends in both WWE and TNA (sorry Dixie, WWE still gets top billing for now) are calling and emailing, convinced I’m hiding the secret that I’m appearing in Orlando on January 4th, it’s a bit stunning.
I always try to torment Jim Ross (one of my favorite pastimes) when he lets Internet reports bother him to such an extent that he’ll address them on his website (and, just to be fair to my pushing-60-but-still-better-than-any-other-kid-out-there former colleague, I’ll post a link to his site: http://www.jrsbarbq.com), but for the first time, I understand the need to do so. I hate addressing rumors (even when they’re true), because you’ve set the precedent for giving comment. Therefore, the next time there’s a ridiculous rumor, and you decide not to comment, people take your silence as confirmation there’s something to the story, because otherwise you’d address it.
I left the wrestling business on December 4, 2006 when I shook Vince McMahon’s hand after a rather volatile meeting with him and Stephanie, and I’ve never looked back. Some projects, like THE HEYMAN HUSTLE, are out in front of the public already, and there’s a ton of others in the works. I’m in no rush. I’m taking my time. I’m enjoying my family. And (here comes the segue), I’m looking forward to what happens out of this Monday Night head-to-head programming on SpikeTV and USA Network.
If you’re wondering why I’m not referring to tonight’s “1st Monday Night War In Almost A Decade” as a collision between WWE and TNA, it’s because this evening’s head-to-head competition has very little to do with the professional wrestling / sports entertainment industry.
Here’s the poop, at least from my perspective: SpikeTV’s Doug Herzog and Kevin Kay smell blood. And that blood they smell is the bleeding caused by the erosion of Raw’s fan base. Slowly but surely, Raw’s core audience is getting older and older, and the indescribably-important “youth audience” is not being replenished. Despite World Wrestling Entertainment’s Push-to-PG, the Goliath of Monday Night Cable Programming’s product is stale, and the terms “hip,” “happening,” “socially relevant,” or “pop culture phenomenon” don’t apply to Vince McMahon’s flagship cablecast anymore.
Raw, however, remains a powerhouse. Even the much-maligned “low 3′ ratings” are still way better than anything SpikeTV is pushing, and keep in mind Spike is the television home of the Ultimate Fight juggernaut. A decade past its heyday, Monday Night Raw is the driving force behind USA Network’s 4th consecutive sweep of the annual Cable Ratings Wars.
That, in and of itself, makes Vince McMahon a very influential person when it comes to NBC-Universal Executive Bonnie Hammer, who runs both USA (home of Raw) and SyFy (home of the WWE-owed ECW). For those of you keeping score, NBC is in a real state of flux. While Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts and NBC-Universal President Jeff Zucker prepare to defend Comcast’s takeover of NBC before a Senate Committee later this month, Bonnie Hammer continues to be the rising star in the NBC-U family. Long regarded, along with Oprah Winfrey and Valerie Schaer as one of the sharpest women in all of television, Hammer’s power lies in the fact USA is the crown jewel of the NBC-U television empire. Forget the network. Their business model collapsed, along with Zucker’s Midas touch, when the Jay Leno Experiment exposed the network as not budget-conscious, but simply desperate-for-programming.
USA, meanwhile, forged ahead. Under Hammer’s masterful guidance in 2009, USA drew a record 3.27 million viewers in primetime, a 14% improvement over its 2008 delivery. For the period spanning Dec. 29, 2008, through Dec. 27, 2009, USA swept ad-supported cable’s three top TV demos, averaging 1.49 million adults 25-54, an increase of 11% versus 2008, while also delivering 1.32 million viewers 18-49 (up 5%). The network also held off former WCW-home TBS to take the 18-34 demo, drawing 616,000 viewers.
Not only is USA surviving, it’s thriving. And heavy hangs the head that wears the crown.
Doug Herzog and Kevin Kay’s target for Twenty Ten: Stop Bonnie Hammer.
Bonnie Hammer’s easy weekly ratings boost: Vince McMahon’s Monday Night Raw.
In the cutthroat world of television, the next step was a “gimme.” Go after Raw. Put a dent in the already-dented armor of the Still-Standing-Giant.
So Herzog and Kevin Kay, along with “In Your Face” SpikeTV execs Sharon Levy and Brian Diamond decided to dip their toe into the shark-infested Monday Night waters. Looking at Spike’s positioning, you have to admit, it’s a pretty smart move. There’s no way for Spike to lose. Tonight, TNA will deliver three hours of primetime programming for the network, and next week, the network will air a live “UFC Fight Night” featuring Gray Maynard vs Nate Diaz.
Wait a minute. No Kimbo? No GSP? No update on Brock Lesnar? Doesn’t sound like a major head-to-head UFC vs WWE confrontation, does it?
That’s because UFC is simply putting on an event when their host network, SpikeTV, wants to pay them for the programming content Zuffa can deliver. As a matter of fact, UFC is not getting into the hype. Dana White is too focused on his own business (and StrikeForce, and anyone else wanting to get into MMA) to think this is a fight with WWE. The controversial Ultimate Fight President even laughed at the insinuation there would be a Monday Night War when he noted “I’m not trying to beat (WWE) on Monday night. I don’t think we would beat (Raw). Those guys pull killer ratings. It’s been like the highest rated show on television forever. We’re just putting a fight on Monday night because Spike wants us to.”
EXACTLY!
SpikeTV wanted UFC to deliver programming for Monday Night, January 11th, because the execs at Spike want to see where Raw is vulnerable. Even if TNA bombs tonight, it truly doesn’t matter. The network is going to pick apart not only the Demo-trending, but also the minute-by-minute ratings for Raw and TNA. Where did Raw lose viewers? Did TNA pick any of those viewers up? What caused the television viewership to change channels? What caused them to stick with what they were watching? Where can the counter-programming work to Spike’s advantage?
The real story of tonight’s head-to-head battle is not Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan, or the re-emergence of Eric Bischoff, or Stephanie McMahon’s vision for the future vs Dixie Carter’s vision for her company. It’s about SpikeTV executives’ decision to curb the enthusiasm (oy vey) of Bonnie Hammer and NBC-U’s 4th consecutive Cable Grand Slam.
So bring back Bret. Let Hulkamania run wild. Hand Eric Bischoff a mic, and let him declare it’s1995 all over again. Bid on Ric Flair’s “Whooooooo!” Make short term and long term offers for Rob Van Dam, Ken Anderson, and the remaining members of the Ring of Honor roster.
The key for TNA to take advantage of this programming decision is to use the increased attention to finally BRAND their company. Pick a direction, and stick with it. So far, the only hype has been Hulk Hogan declaring himself “The Vince McMahon of TNA” (sounds like the opening line for a Wrestlemania return),
and everyone else saying “The Monday Night Wars Are Back! The Monday Night Wars Are Back!”
I need a reason to care about AJ Styles. Seriously, how anyone in TNA can look at themselves in the mirror and accept the fact AJ, the promotion’s World Champion and one of the most consistent performers in the industry for over half a decade, is not nearly as well known as Sheamus is simply a crime. I like Sheamus’ push, and think WWE made a fantastic decision to elevate a new character into the main event, and present him not as a fluke, but as a real deal.
But for Sheamus to be so much better known to the general public at this point in his career than AJ Styles is not only a sign of WWE’s marketing success, but TNA’s most glaring failure.
I know why as a fan, Sheamus is to be hated. I don’t know why, as a fan, I am supposed to care about AJ Styles. I need a reason to believe in the Motor City Machine Guns. Besides being every school boy’s masturbatory fantasy, why should I spend my time thinking about Lacey Von Erich? Is Awesome Kong the Cris Cyborg of pro wrestling? If so, demonstrate that to me.
TNA has a chance to capitalize on its home network’s desire to derail USA Network’s momentum. Character development and TNA-brand-building are key. Tonight, TNA has the opportunity to declare to the public something far more substantive than “check out a bunch of former WWE big name stars in a six sided ring with some of our own guys who aren’t quite so recognizable.”
Tonight, TNA has a chance to deliver. Deliver to their own audience. Deliver to the 8pm Eastern Time curiosity viewers Hulk Hogan’s involvement may bring in. And most importantly, deliver a market study for SpikeTV execs to learn a little more about the true Ultimate Champion of the Monday Night Cable Wars:
Bonnie Hammer.
WOW he had alot to say and you know what its ALL TRUE but i bet VINNY MAC is kinda pissed