Tag Archive: Raw Recap

  1. RYTMAN’S RAW RECAP 03/25/2013

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    Okay, again this week, just a general run down of the show with some of my humble opinions.

    First up, match results

    CHRIS JERICHO DEF. DOLPH ZIGGLER W/AJ LEE & BIG E. – This match-up was booked as a card-change, as Fandango made his way to the ring for what was supposed to be his fifth or sixth “debut” but got beat-down/ran-off by an angry Jericho.  Ziggler made his way out with his entourage as the announcers (Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler) told us this match was scheduled for later tonight.  Jericho gets the win by submission with the walls of Jericho, but gets beat down by Big E. Langston.  Fandango comes back out with his dance partner (the first girl to get a call-back) and picks the bones of Big E’s kill, landing a flying leg drop on Jericho’s neck.

    MARK HENRY DEF. THE USOS – The Usos actually got in enough offense with their double-teaming to get a splash off the top rope for a two-count on Henry, but the match ends with Henry scoring a World’s Strongest Slam and getting the three-count.  After the match, Henry brutalizes both brothers, making it clear he did not appreciate getting splashed.

    U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO DEF. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO (COUNT OUT) – Ricardo Rodriguez hobbles out on his crutches to introduce Del Rio.  The intro falls flat, although I think it was on purpose to help sell what bad shape he’s in.  The match is just a formality as both men go through the motions for about five minutes before Zeb Coulter comes out.  Ricardo tries to move away, but from out of nowhere Jack Swagger grabs him, and drags him by the bad ankle over to the guard rail.  Del Rio abandons his match to fight off Swagger and Cesaro gets the win by count-out.  Del Rio takes his anger out on Cesaro with the cross-arm breaker.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANEL BRYAN) DEF. THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARREN YOUNG)- “Pancake” Patterson is given one mention and then quietly swept under the rug.  Match is just a warm-up for the champions.  Ziggler and crew show up on the stage to distract the champs and give the PTP’s an opening, but the match ends with Kane choke-slamming Young for the three count.

    THE MIZ DEF. WWE INTERCONTINENTAL WADE BARRETT – Before the match, Triple H came out to do cut a promo about his Wrestlemania match with Brock Lesnar.  When Barrett comes out, he blocks Triple H’s way, and demands he step aside.  Trips responds with a kick to the crotch.  Miz comes out while Barrett is still recuperating.  During the match, Barrett’s crotch briefly becomes the focal point of the match.  Barrett crotches himself on the top rope with a missed kick and Miz gets the win with the figure-four submission.

    THE SHIELD DEF. KHALI, RYDER, GABRIEL – To my knowledge, this is only the third actual match the Shield have officially wrestled in.  The Shield wins this with a flying knee-drop to Justin Gabriel, trapped in a “Bow and arrow” hold.  After the match, Khali takes a “Shield-Bomb.” Orton comes to the ring with Sheamus, and the Big Show comes up from behind, trapping the Shield.  We get a brief fight before the Shield retreat.

    TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS DEF BRODUS/TENSAI – Do you honestly care?  This match is barley more than a pretense for a cat-fight between the Funkadactyls and the Bella Twins.  Team Rhodes Scholars get the win by three-count during the confusion.

    RYBACK DEF. 3MB – This was Ryback’s effort to show-up Henry that almost back-fired.  The Three Man Band actually take control of the match using their numbers advantage, but it ends with Ryback getting two men up for the “Shell-Shock” and a three-count.

    AJ LEE DEF. WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN – This match was set up during a backstage segment, where Bryan and Kane were arguing over which of them was still hung up on AJ.  Kaitlyn interjected, trying to get them both to let it go, while running off a list of nasty things to say about AJ, who just happened to be eavesdropping on them.  Now here’s the interesting thing.  AJ sends Kaitlyn head-first into a drinking fountain, or so it seemed.  Kaitlyn sold it as making contact but their was NO sound effect to indicate Kaitlyn hit the fountain.  Kaitlyn comes out to the ring holding her head, and when the bell rings, Kaitlyn goes to town on AJ, dominating the match and getting in all of the offence.  AJ rolls out of the ring, and Kaitlyn goes after her.  Kaitlyn tries a spear, but AJ side-steps her into the guard-rail, head first.  AJ gets a count-out victory, and maybe a title shot at Mania.  Kaitlyn gets a possible head-trauma gimmick.

    So let’s look at the rest of the show.

    C.M. Punk opens the show with a game of toss with the urn, and a promo that starts off by dumping on the Undertaker and his legacy.  He even goes so far as to imply the streak is only important to him as something to break.  He tries to mock the Takers classic pose, but the lights go out and when they come back, Taker is wailing on Punk.  Punk and Heyman run off with the urn.  Seemed a bit odd to me as the first half of Punk’s promo seemed to be Punk trying to convince us that this match wasn’t as important as we might feel it was.

    Sheamus gets jumped by the Shield, during an interview about whether or not he and Orton can get along with Big Show, during their Mania six-man.  Orton comes after them with a chair, but he gets overwhelmed by numbers.  Big Show makes the save and runs off the Shield.

    Now here, I gotta go into weird territory.  If you’re a long time wrestling fan, you’l probably have some idea of what I’m saying here.  Booking Show to come to the rescue seems a little heavy-handed to me.  It’s like WWE is trying too hard to sell us on Show’s face-turn, which is par for the course with pro wrestling in general.  Even if you’re among the youngest fans, you still can’t help but notice how it’s always Show that turns the tide when Orton/Sheamus gets jumped by the Shield.  So I have to ask myself, is this just the same sloppy TV writing wrestling has always suffered from?  Or is WWE trying to swerve me?  I’m thinking maybe they want me to watch for a double-cross by Big Show so that they can swerve me with one by Orton…or Sheamus.  I know Orton’s more likely, what with him reportedly wanting a heel-turn, but you know how wrestling-sorry “sports entertainment” likes illogical swerves.

    Triple H cuts a promo on Brock Lesnar, about how if you don’t expect him to end your career, you’ve already lost.  He makes it clear that he is coming to kick Lesnar’s ass.

    Very generic promo, giving no sense that Trips was seriously concerned that his career was over.  That might’ve been the plan, so that we’re actually surprised if he loses. (Which, if he does, we will be, just not for THAT reason.) And why did he have to bitch-out Wade Barrett on his way out?  (See above.)

    The show ended with an elaborate Q&A with John Cena and WWE champion The Rock, featuring WWE Hall Of Fame members Booker T, Brett Hart, Dusty Rhodes and Mick Foley.  The panel lobs softball questions and both men give big, impassioned speeches about how/why they will win at Mania.  Cena compares himself to Donavon McNabb, the Rock tells the story of how he had to get his first mattress out of a dumpster behind a motel.  Cena blames his loss to Rock last year, on his letting Rock into his head.  Cena tried to finish off Rock in Rock’s home-town, with his own version of “the peoples elbow.” Allowing Rock to catch him in a rock-bottom and getting the three.  Rock borrows a quote from Ric Flair, “To be the man-woo-you must beat the man,” and between the two of them, Cena will never be “the man.”

    I’m sorry to say this but I was underwhelmed.  No new ground covered here, except for maybe when Cena “revealed” why he lost last year.  I’m not a fan of “sports entertainment” trying to go into “deep, psychological,” story-lines, and I’m not moved by Cena’s need for redemption.

    Overall, a pretty “meh” RAW.  It did what it was supposed to do, advance the angles going into Wrestlemania, but it still felt like an auto-pilot show.  That’s not always bad, but not the speed you want going into the biggest PPV of the year.

     

     

  2. RYTMANS RAW RECAP (RAW 03/04/2013)

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    Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.

    We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.

    From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.

    Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion.  He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker.  Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.

    Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?

    Cue Big Show.  He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch.  He makes a claim to the streak.

    Cue Sheamus.  He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker.  It’s going to take more to break the Streak.  It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck.  Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.

    Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.

    Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!

    Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?  

    We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.

    U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK

    We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro.  He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL!  He follows up with a rant in Swiss.

    FEED ME MORE!

    Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide.  So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…

    BREAK

    Cesaro is in control as we come back.  Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.

    WINNER: RYBACK

    Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title.  Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.

    The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match.  There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.

    MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER

    Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday.  Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.

    WINNER: MARK HENRY

    Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!

    And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.

    Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!

    BREAK

    We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring.  Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!

    DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR

    Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things.  Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped.  Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.

    BREAK

    Dolph is in control when we come back.  We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight.  Miz fights back, gets a near-fall.  Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee.  Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper.  Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring.  The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz.  Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect.  Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head.  Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt.  Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.

    WINNER: THE MIZ

    Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.

    Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next

    BREAK

    IF YA SMELL…

    WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight!  Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide.  Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket.  Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice.  Then he got off the plane here…

    “Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock

    Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO!  Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue.  On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.

    “You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena

    John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed.  The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance.  John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around.  It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week.  It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history.  This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.

    “I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena

    Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania.  Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock.  Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…

    “You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock

    Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)

    “In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)

    Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.

    Rock retorts with a quote of his own…

    “Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)

    “He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock

    In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.

    Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry.  Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena.  Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.

    Fatal 4-way later tonight

    BREAK

    Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.

    Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!

    JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-

    Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends.  Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle.  Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.

    NO CONTEST

    Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.

    We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.

    BREAK

    We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)

    The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.

    Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming.  Kane tags in and takes over on Young.  Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring.  While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.

    WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!

    DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth.  Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.

    Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!

    Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight.  Nice change of pace.  Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!  

    BREAK

    We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring.  We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN!  Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.

    Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him.  Slater runs him down saying…

    “You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater

    BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)

    The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.

    WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)

    HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face.  Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.

    FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!

    BREAK

    We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.

    Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!

    Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out.  FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again.  After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.

    “Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.

    BREAK

    We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.

    After that, it’s time to play the game…

    “TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)

    WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring.  Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam.  As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal.  He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason.  After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.

    He had his reason, and he was ready.  Lesnar thought they were done?

    “Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H

    He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.

    “Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H

    Fatal 4-way tonight

    BREAK

    We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown.  The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.

    We go to a promo by the Shield.  Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten.  The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show.  Show got in one cheap shot.  It won’t happen again.

    Believe in the Shield.

    WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT

    Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match.  Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility.  Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over.  Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.

    WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

    Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight

    Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!

    BREAK

    We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.

    There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief.  They wouldn’t call you prejudiced.  Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is.  That’s what being a real American is about.  There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is.  WE THE PEOPLE!

    OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?

    I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

    It’s the D-o-double-g!  With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…

    “Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg  

    THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA

    This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws.  Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.

    WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!

    After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.

    “Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)

    BREAK

    We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.

    “You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler

    We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.

    Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously.  I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.

    A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday.  Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae.  Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits.  Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off.  Punk is in the ring as we…

    BREAK

    Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.

    We come back to a promo for Mania.  Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.

    MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS

    No one wants to start with Big Show.  Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring.  Show makes quick work of him.  Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down.  Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help.  Show back in, takes them both down.  Show stands alone as we go to…

    BREAK

    When we come back, the pattern is quickly established.  We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in.  Show takes over with a KO to Punk.  It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out.  Show misses the KO on Sheamus.  Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show.  Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!

    WINNER: C.M. PUNK

    RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.

  3. RYTMAN’S RAW RECAP 02/25/2013

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    Previously on RAW…

    Lesnar attacked Vince.

    Vince challenged Heyman to a fight.

    Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…

    LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas

    We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery.  Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.

    “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon

    Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves.  He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…

    “Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman

    Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl.  He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government.  He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this.  Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch.  Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing.  He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.

    Cue Lesnar.

    Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…

    TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!

    “Is it him?” – Michael Cole

    Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return.  Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway.  Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN!  Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail.  Triple H goes after him.  Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down.  Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring.  Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring.  He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back.  Lesnar retreats.

    Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.

    Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring.  RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.

    Break

    This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!

    We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.

    Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance

    RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

    The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting.  It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll.  DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around.  DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…

    COMMERCIAL

    We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again.  Ryback fetches him.  Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back.  BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking.  Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head.  Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler.  Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT.  Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold.  Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off.  Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down.  Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.

    WINNER: RYBACK

    After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga.  C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…

    Break

    We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.

    C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning.  Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…

    “TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk

    Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks.  He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…

    “In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk

    Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…

    Donald Trump.

    We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.

    Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.

    Break

    MARK HENRY VS. KHALI

    Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”

    Nothing of a match to speak of;  Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post.  Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.

    WINNER: MARK HENRY

    We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.

    Break

    Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!

    We are back with MIZ TV!  Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.  Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.

    “Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter

    Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources.  Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts.  Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor.  Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”

     “NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio

    Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…

    “If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio

    “We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger

    With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.

    Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.

    Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.

    Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!

    Break

    We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.

    WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.

    WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON

    Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow.  Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots.  Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two.  Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts.  Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam.  Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker.  Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face.  Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO.  Orton gets the pin.

    WINNER: RANDY ORTON

    Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.

    “I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan

    Kane responds that HE should handle it.

    “I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane

    It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…

    “EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero

    “Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox

    Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,) AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that.  Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand.  Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.

    From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.

    Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…

    Oh joy…

    Break

    Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.

    We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie.  In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett.  We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down.  After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene.  He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing.  Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears.  Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub.  Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one.  Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.

    Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!

    Break

    Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary.  R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.

    CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH

    Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody.  Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow.  Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee.  Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down.  Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back.  Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson.  Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three.  After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.

    WINNER: R-TRUTH

    We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families.  Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family.  Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”

    Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz

    Break

    TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS

    Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back.  Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out.  Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner.  They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop.  Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him.  Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.

    Ha.

    I kill me.

    I wish you would.

    Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face.  Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)

    WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO

    Shield interview next.

    Break

    We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.

    The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.

    “It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose

    “If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns

    “We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
    Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor.  They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones.  The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them.  They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?

    Cue Sheamus.

    Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him.  Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal.  Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE!  Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.

    Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz

    Break

    We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.

    Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.

    JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ

    The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum.  They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes.  Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on.  Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.

    WINNER: JACK SWAGGER

    Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.

    Cena v. Punk is tonight!

    Cena promo next!

    Break

    We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.

    “Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H

    Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head.  We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.

    Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo.  Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal.  Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.

    “Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena

    John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry.  Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.

    We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!

    Break

    Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED!  We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.

    AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT!  WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!

    JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK

    Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena.  Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.

    “LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd

    We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs.  Punk takes a breather as we go to…

    Break

    Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner.  Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop.  Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count.  Cena wears down Punk with headlocks.  Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock.  Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor.  Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…

    Break.

    Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena!  Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up.  Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two.  Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two.  Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF!  Punk escapes and locks in the Vice!  Cena counters w/the cross-face!  Punk rolls him back for two.  Both men spent, down on the mat.  Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots.  Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss.  Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head.  Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt.  Both men get up slowly.  Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog.  Cena drops him and gets the 5KS.  Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two.  Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off.  Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop.  Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two!  On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out!  Cena beats it barely.  Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two!  Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes.  Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver!  For two!  Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again.  Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!

    WINNER: JOHN CENA

    “I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler

    Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.

    Rock sends Cena congratulations over Twitter.

    And we’re out.

  4. RYTMAN’S RAW (REPLAY) REAL TIME RECAP

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    Hokay.  This is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY late.  What I’m going to do here is recap a replay of last night’s RAW.  This is for two reasons, I need more practice in real-time recapping, and I owe BWF my RAW recap.

    So here we go!

    We open with a recap of Elimination Chamber from Sunday.  Alberto Del Rio beat the Big Show, Jack Swagger won the Chamber, and C.M. Punk lost.  We get a reminder that Cena’s road to Wrestlemania starts tonight.

    Live in the Cajun Dome!  Cena’s out to address the WWE universe, and we’re reminded that it’s Cena vs. Rock for the WWE title.  John reminds everyone that it’ll be John Cena vs. The Rock, and that’s when Punk comes out.

    Punk accuses Cena of taking the easy way out.  Punk says Rock beat him fair and square on Sunday, if you disregard the fact that Rock hit an official, and Punk had him pinned for “an 18 count.” Cena tells him to “sit this one out,” and “for once, it’s not about C.M. Punk.” Punk disagrees, reminding Cena how he brought prestige to the WWE title, and how Cena can’t beat the Rock, and how he’s never beat Punk.  Punk tells him to walk away.  Cena makes it clear he will not.  Cena concedes that he hasn’t beat the Rock, and if he can’t beat Punk, then he doesn’t deserve the title shot.  Cena agrees to give Punk the shot at Wrestlemania if Punk can beat him in a match, right here, right now.  Punk decides to do this on his terms, and since he shouldn’t even be in this position, he decides to do this next week.  Cena makes it official.  Punk vs. Cena, Wrestlemania headline title shot on the line, next Monday.

    We get an announcement that tonight will be the Rock’s championship celebration, and The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, is up next.0

     

    We’re back.  We get a picture of Thomas Jefferson and one of his quotes as part of a “president’s day” tribute.

    “ONE MAN WITH COURAGE IS A MAJORITY.” – Thomas Jefferson

    Backstage with Sheamus and Matt Striker.  Sheamus doesn’t know what went wrong last night, they were supposed to get revenge on the Shield, but didn’t.  Ryback walks into frame and Sheamus call him a neanderthall.  Ryback and Sheamus get up into each others’ face, when Chris Jericho steps in.  He gets them to stop fighting and offers them a chance to team up with him in a six-man against the Shield.  Sheamus and Ryback agree.

    “FEED ME SHIELD” – Ryback

    SIN CARA VS MARK HENRY

    This was an out-and-out squash.  Sin Cara got in one kick to the head, but it ends with a powerslam and a “world’s strongest slam.”

    WINNER: MARK HENRY

    Henry bullies the ref out of the ring and turns his attention to the fallen Sin Cara.  Great Khali strides out (slowly) and after a stare-down, teasing a fight, Henry bails.

    “IF I WANNA DANCE, I GIVE EM’ THAT.  YOU DANCE, THAT’S ALL YOU GOOD FOR ANYWAY.” – Mark Henry

    We go to a recap of the U.S. title match at Elimination Chamber, between the Miz and Champion Antonio Cesaro.  We see Miz drop knee first into Cesaro’s groin, and get dq’d.

    Vicki Guerro announces the six-man main event for tonight – Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs The Shield via Twitter.

    When we come back, Miz vs. Cesaro, NO DQ!

     

    We’re back with a promo for FANDANGO, comming soon.

    Miz is in the ring w’a taped-up shoulder and arm.  We get a recap of last Monday’s RAW when Cesaro swung him into the guardrail.

    NO DQ MATCH-U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS THE MIZ

    Miz starts strong, but the match goes out to the floor and Cesaro sends the bad arm into the post.  Cesaro throws Miz back in the ring with some chairs and a kendo stick.  Cesaro wedges a chair between two turnbuckles in the corner, and tries to drive the Miz shoulder-first into it.  Miz counters a few times and Cesaro has more luck with the Kendo stick.  Cesar pins the bad shoulder of Miz between his knee and a chair, and works the arm.  Cesaro sets Miz up in the corner for a charge, but Miz gets a shot to the face.  Cesaro charges knee first and Miz ducks.  Cesaro hits the chair in the corner.  Miz drop-toe-holds him chest first into the other chair, and ends this with a figure four for the submission.

    WINNER: THE MIZ

    Later tonight, Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter will make a “State of the Union” address to the WWE universe.  Right now, we’re getting a look at an Internet video made by Zeb and Swagger. (youtube.com/wethepeoplezeb) It looks like a public access channel video with a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag tacked up in the back.  Zeb delivers a rant against immigrants with Swagger looming menacingly in the background.

    We’re reminded that Cena vs. Punk is next week and the Rock’s championship celebration is tonight.

     

    We come back to a pic and a quote of Abraham Lincoln.

    “YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME, YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME, YOU CAN’T FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME.” – Abraham Lincoln.

    Backstage, WWE  tag team champions Daniel Bryan and Kane are arguing over what happened between them in the Elimination chamber last Sunday.  Brian has requested a singles match and doesn’t want Kane coming out with him.  Kane decides he’ll request a singles match and doesn’t want Bryan coming out with him.  Kane warns Bryan that he’d better be a man of his word, because he doesn’t like snakes.  Randy Orton overhears this, and takes exception to it.  Kane explains that if a snake gets too close to him, he squashes it with his boot.  Orton compares Kane to Barney the Dinosaur and Bryan laughs.  Orton disappears, and Kane sulks off.

    We go to Vicki’s office where Paul Heyman has been summoned.  Vicki rags on Heyman about how useless his special stipulations were in the WWE title match.  Later on, she will make a big announcement concerning his career, in the ring.

    Team Ziggler (Dolp, Big E. and AJ) makes their way out as we go to break.

     

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

    Ziggler’s in the ring as we recap Del Rio’s win over the Big Show at EC.  Ricardo Rodriguez comes out to introduce Del Rio.  The crowd is not into it.  Ziggler goes right after Del Rio.  Del Rio fights back.  Ziggler goes up and over the ropes, lands on the apron.  Del Rio hits the enziguri as we go to break…

    Ziggler in control as we come back, choking Del Rio against the ropes.  Ziggler with a dropkick.  Choking again, and Big E. sneaks in a cheap shot at ringside.  Ziggler gets a two-count with a fame-asser and goes up top.  ADR cuts him off and hits a REVERSE FACE-LOCK SUPERPLEX.  Ziggler up first. They trade punches, ADR hits two clothes-line, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust kick for two.  ADR gets a “Si” chant going but Ziggler hits the neck-breaker for two.  Ziggler whips ADR into the corner, ADR gets the boots up, ties up Ziggler, and hits several forearms to the back and a back-stabber for two.  Big E up on the apron.  Del Rio knocks him off.  Ziggler goes for the flying DDT, but Del Rio hits the arm-breaker for the submission.

    WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

    After the match, Big E. blindsides ADR and beas him down.  Ziggler realizes this is the best time to cash in the MiTB briefcase, but Ricardo swipes it and runs off with Big E. after him.  AJ recovers the case, but Ziggler eats a huge kick from ADR.

    Later tonight, the Rock’s celebration, and Kane vs.Randy Orton

    And we got to break…

     

    We are back with Intercontinental champion Wade Barrett in the ring, telling all of us about his big break in a major motion picture.  We then get shown the trailer for “Dead Man Down,” in theaters on March 8th.  We come back to Wade but Sheamus interrupts from the Titan-Tron to point out that Wade isn’t the star, Colin Farrell is.  He invites Barrett to respond, but is told we’re out of time.

    SIX PERSON TAG TEAM MATCH – TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY/AND NAOMI VS PRIMO/EPICO/AND ROSA

    The Funkadayctals make their entrance w/Brodus and Tensai.  Rosa and team MO-CO cut the music short with their entrance.  Naomi starts off with Rosa, taking charge with high-flying moves.  Rosa tags in Primo who goes after Naomi but Tensai makes the save and send Primo out.  Naomi hits a sliding dropkick between Tensai’s legs on Epico and Rosa.  Tensai and Brodus ends this with double headbuts and a double splash.

    WINNERS: BRODUS CLAY AND TENSAI

    We get a dance party in the ring before going to a WWE.com press conference in the Super-dome, where we get an announcement about Wrestlemania 30 being there next year, April 2014.

    Up next is the “State Of The Union” address from Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.

     

    We come back with a quote from Harry S. Truman

    “THE BUCK STOPS HERE.” – Harry S. Truman

    Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter are in the ring with a podium and a “don’t tread on me” flag set up.  Swagger claims that he took the weight of the nation on his shoulders when he won the EC match and became #1 contender to the WHC.  He turns the mike over to Zeb, who claims the state of our union is “pathetic.” In summation, he basically accuses foreigners of coming here to take our health care, jobs, and resources, and how when Jack Swagger beats ADR, he will restore our nation to greatness.

    Daniel Bryan makes his entrance as we go to break.

     

    JACK SWAGGER VS. DANIEL BRYAN

    Match is basically Bryan slipping out of Swagger’s grasp with his speed/agility until Swagger gets a chance to pound on the bad ribs of Bryan.  Bryan fights back with quick strikes and high-risk high-flying.  Bryan misses a charging drop-kick and Swagger works his leg.  Swagger ends this with the “Patriot Act,” submission.

    WINNER: JACK SWAGGER

    Later tonight, Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs. The Shield, and Vicki’s big announcement about Heyman.

     

    We come back to a Wrestlemania promo and Vicki in the ring demanding our attention, preparing to make an announcement that could change Heyman’s career/life.  She announces Brad Maddox as “assistant to the managing supevisor.” Brad says this was his reward for blowing the whistle on Heyman.

    “IS THIS MY CUE TO VOMIT?” – Paul Heyman

    Heyman says goodnight and gets ready to leave, when Vince makes his appearance on the Tron, stopping him.  He reminds Heyman of last week when Heyman requested the DQ/count-out stip for the WWE title match at EC, and how Heyman said he do “anything” for it.  Basically Vince challenges Heyman to a fight in two weeks when he makes his return.

    And Break…

     

    CHRIS JERICHO, SHEAMUS & RYBACK VS. THE SHIELD

    Jericho, Sheamus, & Ryback each make a separate entrance, the Shield come down all at once through the crowd.  The faces start off strong, with each man getting a shot at a Shield member.  The faces dominate as we go to break…

    We come back to the Shield beating down Sheamus.  Sheamus fights his way free and brings in Ryback.  Ryback hits hard and fast, tossing around the Shield, but he takes a spear when the ref isn’t looking.  The Shield pile on Ryback with double teaming until one of them misses a charge.  Ryback brings in Jericho, who takes over on the Shield.  Jericho locks in the “Walls Of Jericho” while Sheamus takes a Shield member to the outside, brawling.  Ryback is down, and the Shield leader takes out Jericho with a flying knee behind the ref’s back.  Jericho gets pinned for three.

    WINNERS: THE SHIELD

    And break…

     

    We come back with a quote from JFK.

    “ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY.” – John F. Kennedy

    DAMIEN SANDOW VS KOFI KINGSTON

    Sandow comes out, berating the audience and claims his great-grandfather came up with the new deal.  He attacks Kofi before the bell rings and brutalizes him, until R-Truth makes his comeback and the save.  Sandow is left lying.

    NO CONTEST

    We go to Josh Mathews at ringside w/two of his co-stars from “G.I. JOE: RETALIATION,” and a clip from the movie.

    The Rock’s celebration, up next…

     

    We’re back with another promo for Fandango, and Randy Orton making his entrance.

    RANDY ORTON VS KANE

    We get a plug for the EXTREME RULES PPV as Kane makes his way to the ring.  Match is back and forth until Daniel Bryan comes out to distract Kane.  Kane loses focus and walks into an RKO for the three-count.

    WINNER: RANDY ORTON

    And break…

     

    We come back to a local marching band making their way down to the ring.  After they finish playing, the Rock makes his big entrance.  First, he runs down Punk, pointing out how he beat Punk in two straight PPV’s so he could be here tonight as WWE champion.  Rock says in 48 days he’s going to Wrestlemania, but not with the “spinny” belt.

    “THE WWE TITLE SHOULD NEVER LOOK LIKE A TOY, AND IT SHOULD NEVER, EVER, SPIN” – The Rock

    The Rock retires the WWE “spinner” belt, and talks about how the belt should “inspire” the people watching and respect the legacy of champions past.  He then unveils the “New” WWE championship.  It looks like a big ring, with the WWE logo taking up most of the face-plate over the word “champion,” and the Rock’s Brahma-Bull logo on each side.  Rock asks the question “Who will the Rock face at Wrestlemania? John Cena, or C.M. Punk?” Rock is about to name his preference, when Cena’s music hits and he comes out.  He’s facing down the Rock when Punk nails him from behind with the spinny belt.  He tosses it aside, and says “I want that one,” while pointing at Rock.  The show ends with Punk staring down the Rock and walking out, while the Rock paces around the ring in confuion and Cena tries to pull himself up.