Tag Archive: Slaps

  1. Smackdown 07/12/13

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    One thing I can say, is that I’m glad this is a go-home Smackdown episode. Nothing really will be established and I can rip through it in record time. Since I plan on hitting up the world famous Calgary Stampede for an annual day-night of debauchery, I should get my ass to Mars sooner than later anyways.

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    Hopping time…close enough for me!

    “I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

    – No voice over guy again this week. Perhaps since the WWE parodied TNA’s Gutcheck segment on RAW this week, they are taking a break from mimicking them? I’m taking a break from all the gimmicks I do in my reviews too, so I guess we’re even, huh WWE? I’ll still bring the gif love, though. I’m not that cruel.

    – * Daniel Bryan vs. Christian. Right into the match, and Christian’s stage screen doesn’t display him as Michael Mcgillicutty as it did on RAW. Peeps versus goats, I suppose. The match has a good start, building up intensity as it should. And while we hit commercials with Christian laid outside the ring, it comes courtesy a sick looking flying knee to the head courtesy of D-Bry. Things return to messy sick moves and referee counting. He’s clearly been paying attention to Sheamus’ lessons. An amusing spot has Bryan exchanging kicks to Christian’s knee, while Christian returns the favor with slaps to the face. In a very solid match, Bryan ultimately submits Christian with a No Lock!

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    Oops.

    – The rest of tonight’s card looks to be very redundant.

    – The Ghost of Teddy Long is talking with someone on the phone, and Dolph Ziggler shows up to chat. News for Ziggler, he has the night off. Since ADR is wrestling later tonight, Teddy does not want any interference. Vickie Guerrero was fired on Monday and for some reason Teddy thinks if a run in occurs tonight he’ll be fired. The fuck? A logic gap so wide…

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    A goddamn broom.

    – * Jey Uso vs. Seth Rollins. Getting the hype up for the pre-show Youtube match? Great. Seth Rollins more or less dominates this (as he should) to start. Jey gets a wee bit of offensive attacks in, as he “Samoas Up” no selling a few chops. Jey continues with a Rikishi-esque ass attack to a prone Rollins in the corner, and a near fall with some kind of finisher. But Rollins comes back and wraps up this four minute match. The Shield stand atop the announcer table displaying their belts.

    – * Non-Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Chris Jericho. Again, potential for a good little match. But a meaningless one at that. Non-title, whoop dee doo. Notwithstanding, it’s still a highly watchable match. Paul Heyman’s facials take the cake, as the two deliver in the match. Jericho is doing his best to help make this guy (albeit, is too much damage already been done?). Axel ultimately is counted out and Jericho wins. I don’t think that helped Axel’s push at all, and I have to wonder if he will retain the title on Sunday…

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    That’s how it’s down. Screw the gun.

    – No plot development really this week, as we just once again hop into another bout. I’m not complaining, but am having a tough time with being invested since all the matches of significance are on Sunday. Regardless, it’s a nice break from some of the crap this show can deliver on occasion.


    @Charles Barkley @G: “What I’m saying, G, is that I’m convinced if I put the Kane mask on, I can win the MitB match.”

    @G @Charles Barkley: “I am still convinced people will know you’re not him. Plus he’s out of the match.”

    – * Ryback vs. The Miz. Yawn. FFW on 2/5. The highlight of the match is when Ryback feigns his knee injury shtick like when he couldn’t finish the match, then takes out Miz with the ShellShock. Post match he continues to sell his injury. I don’t know what to think about this.

    – Backstage Renee Young interviews Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt about the All Star MitB match. Sheamus rambles on about how the Irish chased the snakes out of Ireland, and not being afraid of heights. He promises to win and take the briefcase. Then he hits on Renee a bit. Great.

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    Sometimes you have to slow down and smell the foot kicking you in the face.

    – Teddy Long is in the ring with a whole lotta Divas for a contract signing between AJ Lee and Kaitlyn. AJ notes that no one cared about the Diva division until she won the title (sadly true). AJ is cut off from her rant by Long to shut up and sign the contract. AJ continues to berate Kaitlyn and lists off her messages to her secret admirer which buries Natalya, The Funkadactyls, and further cyber bullying. AJ attempts to use this to manipulate Kaitlyn into backing down. Nope. Kaitlyn drops the “C” word, gets a smack from AJ. So Kaitlyn shoves the table and AJ seated on the other side into the corner of the ring trapping her!! Then she proceeds to pummel the shit out of her, until Biggie Smalls pulls her off the table. Wow! That was surprisingly entertaining and awesome. Well, I’ll be damned. I’m more interested in that than anything I’ve seen tonight.

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    Give the guy a break, he’s dead after all.

    – * Fandango vs. Wade Barrett. Another match I could give a shit about. I’ll watch it, that’s part of the deal. But not with my FULL attention. What to say here… hmm… Coulter is on commentary with Swagger and Cesaro standing looking on. Team Rhodes Scholars comes out and starts yelling at them, this distracts Barrett, and Fandango rolls up Barrett for the win. Wow.

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    It’s not his fault.

    – Clips of the Bray Wyatt family debut on RAW. Great stuff, loved the segment. Hated the “Husky Harris” chants, but fuck those smarks. They’re probably the same pricks online complaining about the WWE not making new stars. Good job, fuckwads.

    – * Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara. Why? Blue lights last seconds, fortunately, since most people hate those. Sin Cara starts heavy and hard on the offensive, and is surprisingly awesome, but that’s because it’s Dolph Ziggler under the mask. The announcers act the fool, but last time I checked, Sin Cara doesn’t have blond hair. EXCUSE ME! The fuck? Vickie is back shrieking about being fired, and that Teddy Long should be fired for this. I think, I can’t understand her. Teddy Long makes his way out. “On Monday Night, Stephanie McMahon had two words for you: You’re fired. Well, tonight I have one word for you: Security!”. She is escorted from the arena, and lord knows how in storyline mode she actually was allowed into the building. Oh well, that was surprisingly fun. Next up? Yawn.

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    Not so fast fella, Goat powers include amazing agility and speed.

    – Teddy Long walks up to Sin Cara asking him why he’s here, thinking it was Dolph Ziggler. Then Ziggler jumps into the shot, thanking Long for the night off. Shenanigans involving Ziggler and Sin Cara? Weird. Just plain weird.

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    App? App? App?

    – * Sheamus vs. Randy Orton (Fandango Classic Rematch!). Fuck this. Remember WHY the fans started doing the dance on the RAW after WM29? Because, this. I FFW through all of this. Until the end when Daniel Bryan runs out, pulls a ladder from beneath the ring and uses it to hit both the robot and the yogurt simultaneously. He then proceeds to go for the briefcase (for some reason), but Sheamus thwarts him. Then Christian runs in, more thwarting, but is reverse thwarted. Another reverse thwart. Daniel Bryan pushes the ladder over, tossing Captain Charisma to the outside, attempts to climb, Nope! Randall Keith Orton Cheeseburger’s the Goat and climbs for the fake MitB contract. Orton gets it, but IT MEANS NOTHING! He stares at it intensely, possibly wondering why the hell this is the end of the show.

    I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

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    The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

    Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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    This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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    WTF?

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    When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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    Shameless Plugs!

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  2. Impact- A Pintnoir Review

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    Welcome back to Knoxville, Tennessee! Home to Impact tonight.

    We start the show off with a Kurt Angle Promo, he proceeds to call out Roode and  brags about how he will remain the champion. Amidst the boos from Knoxville. Kurt Angle goes to leave but before he completely leaves the ramp he issues another challenge to Roode, he has put him in a handicap match against the owner Jeff Jarrett and Gunner.

    We cut backstage where Jerry Lynn, RVD, AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels are fighting. Each against their perspective Bound For Glory opponent.

    After commercial we shoot back to Daniels and Lynn beating Styles on their way to the ring. Once inside the double team beating continues until a late RVD comes for the assist. Once the match is underway it becomes a back and forth with Styles flipping outside the ring on Daniels and Lynn. Eventually leading to a styles clash to Daniels which he counters and in turn leads to Lynn getting clashed while Daniel walks back up the ramp. With an irate Styles looking on.

    Next up Samoa Joe takes on Matt Morgan. He we watch as the Samoan submission machine goes from face to heel even deeper as he goes blow for blow with Morgan only to lose in the closing moments. (as far as how he lost my computer froze, so I’ll will guess in an embarrassing fashion) Joe snaps and puts Morgan in a modified ankle lock. Just when you thought you could predict the outcome, you do and Crimson comes out to save the day. Another ramp match announcement. This time it is for BFG, a triple threat match.

    Yeah a Mexican America promo! I love this almost weekly occurrence of stereotypes. The proceed to call out Ink Inc. The usual high school banter begins on both sides about MA being hypocrites because they’re from this country. Hernandez and co don’t how to respond seeing as how minus Sarah Stock aka Sarita (who is Canadian) they attack. Usual ruckus happens with all four jumping them with Sarita in her glam face mask delivers some slaps until a ray of sunshine descends down the ramp. Christina Von Eerie! Cleaning house. Until she bumps into Hernandez who her real life boyfriend Jesse Neal takes out. Jesse ends with ” Bring all the women you want, we got ours!”

    An X division tag match between the heels Austin Aries (c) and Kid Kash vs Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorenson. A decent match with the obligatory heel turning on each other, leading to Aries going for his belt to use on Kendrick who ducks and applies sliced bread on Aries who land face first on the belt. Win for Kendrick/Sorenson.

    Karen walks backstage with Traci by her side looking hateful. Its good to know someone is having a good time, you know with Karen all smiles.

    Obviously the knockout segment is next. Velvet, Mickie, Winter and Angelina Love come out to what I assume was some kind of tag match, similar to Vinnie Mac’s biz, but shortly after out comes Karen, Traci and (ugh) Madison Rayne kicking ass as only she can. Between Rayne’s screeching ass kissing and Karen blatantly expressing how we all feel about the current Knockout division, that no one cares. She describes having to fight to put them on the card because no one wanted them. Then she verbally assaults Velvet before being shoved Vel and tripped by Traci leading to an all out knockouts cat fight. Wow how we have devolved.

    This is the best representation of the current Division

    Bully Ray talks about how Anderson better not make him made since he is the special enforcer for his match against Steiner.

    AJ talks about how his and Daniels family aren’t speaking to each other leading to their I Quit match. Daniels comes from behind and attacks AJ choking him out with a camera cord?

    Bully Ray /Steiner come out followed by Mr Anderson. Match is usual Immortal match with interference from Ray and eventually Abyss how clocks Steiner with a chain in full view of the ref  Anderson knocks down Abyss getting the pin on Steiner. Afterwards comes the Immortal beat down on Abyss with almost every available member before Anderson comes back only to get Bubba Bombed onto a table.

    Angle backstage taunting Storm accusing Roode of knowing he was interfering in his match and pinned Storm anyway. Storm looks conflicted after he throws out Angle.

    Updated BFG card is shown along with the ascension of Roode who a hardworking wrestler, when four years ago he was a rich tycoon similar to JBL but I digress. This is TNA where Velvet is a face and has had no previous attempts at the knockout title when she had like three when she was a heel. And she really believes she was a victim? But again back to Roode rich much? (Sorry for the rant it was bothering me)

    hey if she can have a double so could Velvet. but likely not.

    Roode beats Gunner with the Crossface while Jarrett wallows on the floor with Karen looking on. Afterwards (sigh) Immortal comes to the ring. Storm attempts to help until he is over whelmed. Then the former prodigal son Hardy cleans house giving Jarrett the twist of fate.

    Jarrett yells at Hardy to leave and never come back or step foot in Philadelphia. Hardy says he’s buying his ticket.

    Hogan and Joker-Sting come out to sign the contract. Hogan refuses to sign first. but eventually signs. Bischoff comes out to say he wants revenge for Sting touching him only for Hogan to bash Sting in the back with a chair. The show closes with Hogan foot on Stings throat.

    here comes the smoke and mirrors

    Here comes BFG, hopefully this means the end of Immortal and the a Bobby Roode title run.