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Alright folks, the former No Way Out is now the Elimination Chamber, and following the opening video and pyro, the WWE is wasting no time getting started (ok, they are, but I want to get started, dammit), and neither are we!

Tonight, the very last remnants of a company that I truly loved a decade ago will finally be laid to rest.  The letters ECW, which truly meant something to so many wrestling fans before the WWE got it’s hands on them, will finally be put out of their misery at 11:05 PM following a battle for the brand’s championship between two men who never competed in a real ECW match, Christian and Ezekiel Jackson.

Though this contest will be contested under Extreme Rules, it will be nothing like the ECW matches that took place under the watch of Paul Heyman.  An independent wrestling promotion that dug and clawed it’s way up from late night showings in the Philadelphia market to become a viable number three (and some would argue number two) promotion in the United States, ECW was a victim of it’s own success.  Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff started to notice ECW, and started to buy up the promotion’s top stars.  Heyman couldn’t afford to keep his stars paid and ultimately, ECW closed it’s doors in 2001.

The WWE bought the rights to the promotion, and in 2004 released “The Rise and Fall of ECW” on DVD.  The success of that release, and a suggestion from Rob Van Dam, led to a WWE produced ECW Pay Per View titled “One Night Stand” in 2005.  Several performers from ECW’s past participated in the event, which was a success for World Wrestling Entertainment.  By the time the company put on a followup in 2006, the decision had been made to bring ECW back as a brand of the WWE along with RAW and SmackDown, and at One Night Stand 2006, Rob Van Dam defeated John Cena for the WWE Championship.  Two nights later, he was given the ECW Championship on the first edition of ECW on SciFi.

By December, Paul Heyman was released from his World Wrestling Entertainment contract following the failed “December to Dismember” Pay Per View, and from there, the brand started to evolve into what we’ve been seeing on SyFy every Tuesday night, which is a far cry from the gift that Todd Gordon and Paul Heyman gave the world in the mid 90’s.  Tonight, the show will air for the last time, and the letters E-C-W will finally be able to R.I.P.

What’s up folks, welcome to our RAW review.  We promise not to bite your ear off or eat your children, but we can’t promise you that RAW’s guest host, Mike Tyson, won’t.  I’m not sure what else is going on tonight, but I’d expect some interaction between DX and Tyson.  Ready?  No?  Too bad, let’s go!

Ugh.  There’s a new episode of Mythbusters on tonight, live tweeted by Grant Imahara, but sadly, RAW is on, so guess what I’m stuck doing.

Hello everybody and welcome again.  I hope everybody had a happy and safe ChristuleKwanzakkah, I know I did.  Well without further ado, lets get this final edition of 2009 on the road:

Welcome to ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts for what has been a relatively slow week in the world of Sports Entertainment.  I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that Sheamus is the number one contender for the WWE Championship.  We knew the guy had potential – but who knew he’d be number one contender for John Cena’s WWE Championship just over a month after debuting on RAW?  With the Royal Rumble being the next PPV up after TLC, it’s almost a given that Sheamus isn’t winning this time around, but it’s great to see some new blood in the WWE title picture.

So, being a slow news week and all, I couldn’t really come up with much to talk about this time around, so I decided to kill some time before writing this article by looking through our Google Analytics stats and checking out some of the search terms that people are using to find us.  Of course, there’s always the usual “Raw Results” and whatnot, but there are a few surprising ones.  Some of the search results that have led people here, and the pages they likely landed on, after the jump!

Episode #530:  “SmackDown and Dirty”

This week’s WWE SmackDown is dedicated to the memory of Captain Lou Albano.

We kick off with the terrible new SmackDown theme song that is probably only used as a thinly veiled shot at TNA with the line “Do you really want to Cross The Line.”  Todd Grisham welcomes us to the University of Kentucky, where he’s hanging out at ringside with… Michael Cole!  Vintage SmackDown!  Tonight, it’s Batista vs. Rey Mysterio, and the return of The Dirt Sheet!

You know it’s the Mack Militant…

Teddy Long is in the house, and he’s excited about Bragging Rights next Sunday.  In the SmackDown vs. RAW main event at the PPV, he would like to ensure that SmackDown would be the dominant brand.  He introduces us to the captain of Team SmackDown, Chris Jericho.  Jericho heads down to the ring, and he says that Teddy Long has finally put aside prejudice and politics and made the right decision in naming him the captain of Team SmackDown.  As the face of this show, he needs to address the possibility of John Cena returning.  When Orton beats Cena, Cena will no longer be allowed to compete for the WWE Championship and will be banished from RAW, which means he’ll want to come back to SmackDown, but things have changed since Cena left, because Jericho is the man around here now.  Nobody has been more successful or dominant in the 10 year history of SmackDown, and if Cena wants to return, he’s got to go through Jericho.  Jericho is the cornerstone of SmackDown and the best in the world at what he does.  He’s the reason all of the parasites in the crowd are there tonight.  As the captain of Team SmackDown, it’s his responsibility to put together a team that will allow him to lead them to the promised land.  They’ll beat team RAW, who’s captains have written this “piece of Flotsam and Jetsam (referring to DX’s new book),” Degeneration X.  You know what Jericho thinks of DX?  He begins tearing pages out of the new DX book.  He says that’s what he’s going to do to DX at Bragging Rights.  He’ll open our eyes and we’ll truly see…

KABOOM!

Kane’s pyro goes off, and the Big Red Monster says that he and Jericho need to talk.  He’s been listening to Jericho’s every word, and he’s here to tell him that he’s now the co-captain of the SmackDown Seven.  Jericho says of course he is, he was thinking the same thing.  He was just going to announce that because the combination of Kane’s strength and Jericho’s intelligence means that the RAW team doesn’t stand a chance.  Kane says the book, DX, and all of Team RAW can go up in flames.

Still to come, Batista takes on Rey Mysterio.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The following contest is a Triple-Threat Bragging Rights Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall.  Chris Jericho is apparently in charge of all of these qualifying matches.  This one pits Finlay vs. Mike Knox vs. Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph Ziggler def. Mike Knox & Finlay in a Triple Threat Match

SmackDown has the best matches on all of television.  That’s through all three WWE brands and TNA.  In the end here, Finlay and Knox both went for cross-bodies, Finlay with Shillelagh in hand.  Finlay goes for a cover, but Ziggler pulls him out and covers Knox to pick up the victory!

So far, the main event for Bragging Rights is DX, The Big Show, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston, and Cody Rhodes vs. Chris Jericho, Kane, and Dolph Ziggler.

Still to come, The Dirt Sheet returns!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

In the following tag team match, the winning team will both qualify for Team Smackdown.

Cryme Tyme def. The Hart Dynasty

You know what I don’t get?  Why they bothered to bring the Hart Dynasty up to SmackDown.  They put on great matches and all, but it seems like they’re stuck wrestling Cryme Tyme every week.  At this point, I think they’d be better off being the big fishes in the small pond of ECW.  It doesn’t help these guys that the Unified Tag Team Champions are also heels.  Speaking of which, why are Jericho and The Big Show never on ECW?  That’s a thought for another time though, as JTG picks up the victory by hitting Tyson Kidd with the Thugnificence after the distraction from Shad.

So the match at Bragging Rights is now DX, Big Show, Henry, Swagger, Kingston, and Rhodes takin on Jericho, Kane, Ziggler, and Cryme Tyme.

Still to come, Batista takes on Rey Mysterio

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Chris Jericho is talking to Michelle McCool backstage when Teddy Long comes in.  Jericho tells her that Bragging Rights is important.  If SmackDown wins twice out of the three matches, they’ll prove their the dominant brand.  He says he can’t count on Morrison to beat The Miz, but he wants to know if he can count on Michelle.  She says she makes history and can beat any diva in any kind of match at any time.  Mickie James walks in, excited that she was excited to be chosen to be traded to SmackDown.  Mickie says that if Chris is looking for somebody to beat the RAW Divas, he should pick somebody who’s already beaten every Diva on RAW.  Michelle excuses herself but runs into Beth Phoenix, who tells her she shouldn’t count on hanging onto her title for long with The Glamazon around.

Mr. McMahon is on his cell phone when CM Punk shows up.  Punk isn’t thrilled about the fatal four way.  Mr. McMahon isn’t either.  Punk says McMahon should do something about it.  McMahon says he liked the idea Punk had last week for a Breaking Point rematch.  Punk asks if that means the four way is off.  McMahon says it’s not.  Instead, Punk vs. Undertaker in a submission match with referee Scott Armstrong as the official and Teddy Long at ringside – right here on SmackDown next week!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WrestleMania tickets go on sale in 22 days!

The following is a Bragging Rights qualifying match, but first, here’s Vickie Guerrero, who is booed like crazy and doing her “Excuse Me” gimmick.  She introduces, making his SmackDown debut, her new boyfriend, Eric Escobar.  His opponent tonight is from Cameron, North Carolina and wearing the ugliest purple tights this side of Men on a Mission, Matt Hardy!

Eric Escobar def. Matt Hardy

Escobar looked pretty good here, virtually dominating Matt Hardy.  In the end, however, it was a distraction of the referee by Vickie Guerrero that allowed Escobar to slam Hardy shoulder first and roll him up – hooking Matt’s Barney the Dinosaur inspired tights – for the pinfall victory.

The Bragging Rights main event is now DX, Show, Henry, Swagger, Kingston and Rhodes vs. Kane, Jericho, Cryme Tyme, Ziggler, and Escobar.

Up next, it’s the return of The Dirt Sheet!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

In a world full of winners and losers, two men have risen above to bring you The Dirt Sheet.  The United States Champion The Miz is introduced first, followed by SmackDown’s Intercontinental Champion John Morrison.  The st is split in two – one half is red (where The Miz is sitting) and one side is blue (where Morrison is sitting).  Morrison says he’ll prove why being the Intercontinental Champion is better than – hey wait a minute – The Miz has a championship!  Is that real?  Or did he get it on WWEShop.com.  The Miz is your United States Champion.  Not only will we determine which brand is superior, we’ll find out who was the superior member of the greatest tag team of the 21st Century.   They say that throughout history, great teams have split up with one member going on to greatness and the other fading into obscurity.  Like, Mork and Mindy – you know, Robin Williams and whathername.  Bill and Ted – Ted was in The Matrix, Bill was in the unemployment line.  Wayne and Garth, Regis and Kathy Lee, and of course, The Rockers.  When they broke up, Shawn Michaels went on to become Shawn Michaels!  Marty Jannetty went on to be Marty Jannetty (wah wah wah.)  At Bragging Rights, Miz says he’ll prove he’s the Shawn Michaels and Morrison will be the Marty Jannetty.  Morrison says that Jannetty never had cool merch like he’s got.  Miz says there can’t be two Jannetty’s so in default, Morrison is the Jannetty.  Jannetty says that there can be two Jannetty’s – Marty Jannetty and Mizzy Jannetty.  They then argue about The Miz’s dating life.  Morrison says the only thing Miz has done is conformed.  He had the courage to dress like a loser.  But now he’s some strange mixture of Michael Phelps, Mr. Ed, Pink, and Big Dick Johnson.  And when you put all that together, you get The Miz.  Miz laughs it off.  He says he’s got great hair, the women love his pearly whites, and he looks good in trunks.  Morrison says he looks husky.  Morrison says Miz isn’t fat, he’s husky.  The crowd agrees.  Miz says they’re just jealous of his amazing body.  At Bragging Rights, there will be no debate – he’ll prove he’s better than Morrison.  Morrison says prove it now.  Miz says he won’t do that in this second rate city in this second rate state on this second rate show, he’ll do it on the PPV.  Morrison asks if Miz really thinks that SmackDown is the second rate show?  RAW is nothing more than a cheap imitation of Saturday Night Live.  So if you want to tune in to see the amazing star power of Al Sharpton or Nancy O’Dell, go ahead.  Who’s hosting next week, Big Bird?  If you want action, entertainment, and the Friday Night Delight, you tune in to Friday Night SmackDown.  These people are tired of the boring Miz.  Miz says he’s the most entertaining and charismatic superstar in the WWE.  He’s the reason people watch RAW.  He’s the reason people are watching tonight.  He carried Morrison for two years, because he’s The Miz, and he’s Awesome!  Morrison says he’s the Miz and all he does is run his mouth.  Talk is cheap.  This is SmackDown, not RAW.  He won’t let Miz sit around and talk about what he’s gonna do.  He dares Miz to take a shot at him.  Miz takes off his jacket.  Miz decides that discretion is the better part of valor and leaves.  Morrison says “see you at Bragging Rights, Jannetty.”  Both men hold up their respective titles.

Still to come, Rey Mysterio takes on Batista.

Video package: The feud between Drew McIntyre and R-Truth.

Truth is walking backstage, and he’ll face Drew McIntyre one on one, NEXT! in a Bragging Rights qualifying match.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Later tonight, The Undertaker has a message for CM Punk.

It’s time to find out who the final member of Team SmackDown will be!  WHAT’S UP!  R-Truth raps his way down the aisle.  I guess they’re letting him backstage again, since he didn’t come out of the crowd.  Drew McIntyre makes his way out to the ring, and we’re ready for action!

Drew McIntyre def. R-Truth

Here’s what I want to know.  Why isn’t ECW upset that RAW and SmackDown are having a PPV to determine the dominant brand in the WWE and barely mentioning them?  Anyways, McIntyre works over Truth’s back throughout the match, eventually sweeping his leg out from under him while he was standing on the steel steps on the outside.  Truth couldn’t make the 10 count, and McIntyre wins by countout!

So the Bragging Rights main event is DX, Show, Henry, Swagger, Kingston, and Rhodes vs. Jericho, Kane, Cryme Tyme, Escobar, Ziggler, and now McIntyre.

Rey Mysterio and Batista are backstage, and Batista isn’t thrilled about having to face his brother ReyRey tonight.  Mysterio says it’s cool, and come Bragging Rights, it’s all about the title.  Mysterio asks Batista to take it easy on him tonight.

We’ll hear from The Undertaker, NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Video Package: Randy Orton and John Cena’s rivalry leading to their Iron Man Match at Bragging Rights.

Rundown of the Bragging Rights card

Video Package: The feud between CM Punk and The Undertaker.

Undertaker says that history has a way of repeating itself, but not in his yard.  Punk, Armstrong, and Long have decided to tempt fate and wrest the holy grail from death’s grip.  Once you enter Hell’s gates, there’s no turning back.  At Bragging Rights, he’ll take Punk’s soul, and in one week’s time, he’ll give Punk his last rights.

Rey Mysterio is out first for tonight’s main event.  Batista’s music starts, and I start to doze off a little.  Then his pyro goes off, and I wake up again.  Then the bell rings.  Here we go!

Rey Mysterio def. Batista

It starts off as a friendly match – until Mysterio goes for a 619 and seemingly lights a fire under the Animal.  Batista takes control and physically dominates – though he’s hesitant to do so.  Mysterio starts to use his speed to mount a comeback, and hits a 619, but when he goes for the West Coast Pop, Batista catches him and goes for a Batista Bomb, but Mysterio reverses it into a Hurricanrana pin attempt – which leads to the pinfall victory for Rey Mysterio!

Following the match, Batista complains that his shoulder was up, which Michael Cole agrees with, but Batista still hugs Mysterio and raises his hand.  Batista applauds Mysterio’s victory from the top of the ramp, and CM Punk rushes in and drops Mysterio with the GTS before bailing through the crowd.  Batista runs him off and helps Mysterio to his feet.

Next week, CM Punk vs. The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship with Scott Armstrong as the referee and Teddy Long at ringside in a submission match.

My thoughts: Another solid episode of SmackDown.  Even the Batista/Mysterio match was pretty good.  I just wish I was more awake through it.  I’m a bit surprised at the team that’s representing SmackDown, but I probably shouldn’t be.  That’s it for me guys, stay tuned for Random Randomness from JT this Sunday and Bound For Glory coverage all weekend!

What’s up everyone and welcome to the second edition of the Roundtable. Tonight I am your host as we sit down and predict this Sunday’s “Hell In A Cell” pay per view! Tonight we all of the BWF staff on board with their predictions, so without further ado, let’s get this show on the road:

1. World Heavyweight Championship Match- CM Punk vs. Undertaker (Hell in a Cell Match):

Legend Killer: Punk retains. Oh yeah, nobody else picks it, but watch for Batista.

ThinkSoJoE: We still don’t know for sure who put Long, Punk, and Scott Armstrong up to screwing The Undertaker at Breaking Point, so I’m sure that he’ll get screwed again at Hell In A Cell. Punk’s leaving with the gold.

Tharvey1: Undertaker over CM Punk

Drowgoddess: I want CM Punk to win and retain the title. It’s considered a foregone conclusion that Taker wins here, but it’s just too soon. Taker winning here makes no sense.

JT: It is more logical to have Punk retain here since he has people to feud with such as Batista, Rey Mysterio, And even to a lesser extent Great Khali and John Morrsion. If Taker wins he has Kane and that’s about it unless they turn Batista heel, which I don’t see happening. Punk retains.

2. Divas Championship Match- Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox:

Legend Killer: Mickie James. Who the hell is Alicia Fox?

ThinkSoJoE: Why even have a Hell in a Cell PPV if you don’t have EVERY match inside a Hell In A Cell? This one will be a victory for Mickie James if the WWE wants their women’s division to have even an ounce of credibility compared to TNA’s

Tharvey1: Mickie James over Alicia Fox

Drowgoddess: Mickie James. That Alicia Fox is even in a ppv title match is appalling.

JT: Mickie James. Do I really need to explain.

3. WWE Championship Match- John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Hell in a Cell Match):

Legend Killer: Cena. Because the WWE are like that.

ThinkSoJoE: Cena just won the title. Cena sells merchandise. WWE have a new toy deal starting in January with Mattel, and cheap looking toy championships to sell. Cena ain’t losing at HIAC.

Tharvey1: John Cena over Randy Orton

Drowgoddess: Cena wins. After the last RAW, it’s a given.

JT: I think that the stipulation in that if Orton loses, he can’t have another title shot. So, I’m going with Orton here. Plus like with Punk, it’s better for Orton to be champ, since he can go on to feud with HHH and HBK and even the long awaited Mark Henry feud we’ve all been waiting for. If Cena wins, he has nobody and babyface vs. babyface feuds can’t happen all the time.

4. D-Generation X vs. The Legacy (Hell in a Cell Match):

Legend Killer: DX. See previous match. Also, Cody Rhodes was Rey Mysterio jr. in WCW.

ThinkSoJoE: If there wasn’t another PPV between now and Survivor Series, there would be no question in my mind about Legacy winning this match. My assumption is that they’re still booking DX & Cena vs. Orton and Legacy as the dark main event for RAW events after Bragging Rights later this month, the theory of DX finally getting their revenge at Survivor Series could still hold up. I’m going to go with Legacy here.

Tharvey1: DX over Legacy

Drowgoddess: Who are we kidding? DX wins here, and in humiliating fashion. I completely disagree with the people who say that DX has effectively put over Legacy, and that a DX win at HIAC is acceptable.

JT: I’ve got two words for ya: “DX WINS!” I don’t see Legacy having any chance here.

5. United States Championship Match- Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger:

Legend Killer: The Miz. His opponents are a palm tree after a bushfire, and the second is the re-incarnation of Dusty Rhodes.
ThinkSoJoe: All three of these guys have been in a game of one-upsmanship over the past few weeks. Kofi’s outsmarted Miz and Swagger on a few occasions, leading me to believe he’s retaining.

Tharvey1: Jack Swagger over Miz and Kofi Kingston

Drowgoddess: I like all three of these guys, and will be happy no matter who wins. That said, I’m going with Kofi to retain, and Swagger and The Miz to develop a feud of their own over it.

JT: Kofi Kingstion has been champion since June, so a title change is eminent. I’m gonna go with Swagger here.

6. Unified Tag Team Championship Match- Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Batista & Rey Mysterio:

Legend Killer: Batista and Rey. You really see them losing? Silly wrestling fan, WWE is for kids. Yes, the WWE is now a breakfast cereal.

ThinkSoJoE: Look. I’m going to give the same prediction I’ve given before. They took the time to have a band come in and remake a remix of Jericho and Big Show’s theme music. They’re not splitting the team up this quickly by ending their reign at Hell In A Cell. If they do, and I have to see Batista when RAW comes to Buffalo in three weeks, I’ll be very upset.

Tharvey1: JeriShow over Boretista and Rey Mysterio

Drowgoddess: Batista and Rey would not be in this match if they weren’t going to win it. I don’t want them to, but I predict that they will. That said, I want JeriShow to retain until Edge comes back, and have Edge and Jericho start their inevitable feud with Edge and Christian (who will have lost the ECW title to Regal) winning the tag team titles one more time.

JT: There hasn’t been enough build for this match for me to believe that the titles will change hands. Plus Mysterio has unfinished business with John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler. Plus both Rey and Batista are the next in line to be World Title contenders. Jericho and Big Show retain and keep thetitles until Edge returns and causes them to lose them.

7. Intercontinental Championship Match- John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler:

Legend Killer: errrr … Morrison?

ThinkSoJoE: PLEASE let Ziggler win. It’s no secret that I’m a huge JoMo mark, but the whole “Mr. Ziggles” thing got real old, real quick. I want Ziggler to win just so Morrison will take him seriously enough to stop calling him that. So, my pick is Ziggler.

Tharvey1: John Morrison over Dolph Ziggler

Drowgoddess: Ziggler has been doing well, and I like the guy more than I thought I would, but I don’t see the Guru of Greatness losing the title just yet. With the hint of a Maria heel turn recently, I’d like to see a slow burn on that where Maria eventually does something despicable to help Ziggler win the title, and we have a new heel couple. Morrison retains.

JT: With Rey returning, I think that he’ll want a rematch for the title at some point, probably the first or second Smackdown after the pay per view, and he will face the champion, John Morrison! Ziggler’s day is coming though.

Alright that’s all thanks for joining us for this edition of the BWF Roundtable. Tune in tomorrow for “Hell In A Cell” coverage, plus an all new Random Randomness!

I didn’t watch this PPV, and I’m refusing to.  At first, I was refusing to watch because of the whole “submission matches without primarily submission wrestlers” thing.  Now there’s another reason, but I’ll get to that at the end.

Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. MVP & Mark Henry to retain the Unified WWE Tag Team Championships.  As if we didn’t see that coming.

Kofi Kingston def. The Miz to retain the WWE United States Championship.  And the point of that was?

Legacy def. DX in a Submissions Count Anywhere match.  Really?  Wow!  There’s some credibility for the two young guys there – which will no doubt be destroyed by Hell In A Cell next month.

Kane def. The Great Khali in a Singapore Cane Submission match.  And people actually paid for this?

Christian def. William Regal to retain the ECW Championship.  By Pinfall.  On a submission themed Pay Per View.  Where the main events are all supposed to be submission matches.  In the ECW main event.  Yup.

John Cena def. Randy Orton in an I Quit Match to win the WWE Championship.  Great.  Now we have to deal with Cena as the champion again.

The Undertaker def. CM Punk to win the World Heavyweight Championship – but wait, there’s more!

Teddy Long came out and announced the the Hell’s Gate submission was still technically banned, so the match had to be restarted…

CM Punk def. The Undertaker to retain the World Heavyweight Championship.  Punk reversed a Last Ride into an Anaconda Vise, and the referee immediately called for the bell.  Punk and the referee then bolted up the ramp to where Teddy Long was standing.  Yes folks, another rehash of the Montreal Screwjob.

You know what, I’m sick of this crap.  Every time the WWE is in Canada, they have to do some kind of screwjob angle.  2003 in Montreal with The Rock and Hulk Hogan.  A few years back with Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels.  Look.  The Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels thing happened in November of 1997.  That’s nearly 12 years ago.  The fact is, that wasn’t a storyline – that was real, or as they say in the business, a “shoot.”  That pissed off a lot of people because Bret Hart was loved by the fans – especially the Canadian fans – and was legitimately screwed out of the WWF Championship.  I get it, wink wink, nudge nudge, we screwed the fan favorite in Canada.  It’s getting old.  I get where you’re coming from with it, but enough is enough.

I also hate the whole gimmick PPV thing.  John Cena, Randy Orton, The Undertaker, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, The Great Khali, and Kane are not names that spring to mind when you mention submission wrestling to me.  And next month is Hell in a Cell.  Because a John Cena/Randy Orton Hell in a Cell main event makes any sense.  Really, to have, at the very least, two Hell in a Cell matches in one Pay Per View sort of diminishes the significance of the match.  Same with the TLC Pay Per View coming up in December.  These type of matches should be kept to one per year, maximum, and the guys in the matches should be guys who specialize in them.  Undertaker or Triple H in Hell in the Cell, for example, or Edge, Christian, or Matt Hardy in TLC.

Given the lack of anything decent or new on the card, and the oh so cliche Montreal Screwjob ending, I’m glad I didn’t waste either my time or my money on this PPV.

It seems that Joe wants the week off, and with my power due to go off at any minute. I’m doing Real-Time this week, for the second week in three.

Stay tuned to BWF, as I watch NCIS.

The search for HBK is on! My guess is, he’s in a  bar having a few brewskis. I know it’s never going to happen, but come on WWE, swerve us will you?

This RAW is from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Where a certain someone was born to wrestle, and bred to win. All rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem.

Randy Orton starts us off. He’s been hearing rumours, apparently. Were they rumours, or the Voices in your head Randy? My namesake goes on about how it’s no rumour that he’s gonna beat John Cena at Summerslam, and that seemed to be the lightbulb in the head of the challenger, as Cena comes out. Cena wants Orton to bully him, that right there proves that John Cena is not a ladies man. Johnny boy gets up close and personal with the son of Cowboy Bob, and this brings out JeriShow, with the single worst entrance music in the history of entrance music.

Show finds it amusing that Cena and Orton are up close and personal with each other. Show speaks, but there’s a Canadian in the ring, so the crowd chant for Jericho. Cena makes a Shaq joke, then asks why have the Tag Team champions made their presence. Jericho plugs Canada, then tells Cena he’s got a one-on-one match against him. Randy gets his two bobs in, but Big Show cuts him off, telling RKO that its gonna be Show and Orton one-on-one.

The Sarge sounds like he needs a cough drop to soothe that throat. This brings us to commercial.

Ooh look, there’s a vote. Who did the Sarge beat for the WWE Championship? Savage, Hogan or Warrior. Shouldn’t the question be, which one will be the first to appear on WWE RAW?

MATCH#1: Four-Way Divas – Winner gets a Divas Title shot

Kelly Kelly vs Alicia Fox vs Gail Kim vs Beth Phoenix

If you want to find out what actually happens, in this match, find someone who cares about the WWE Women’s division, I’m off to get food.

As I return from not paying attention to the match. I hear Cole describe Kim as ‘elastic-like’, and I hear more grunting than Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon. You’ve gotta love it don’t you? It has appeared for weeks that Beth Phoenix will face Mickie James for the belt, and yet …

YOUR WINNER: Gail Kim

It’s the first ever TNA KnockOuts champion who gets the victory.

Out comes Slaughter to pretty much zero reaction from the crowd. He starts off by sucking up to Canada, and saluting the C anadian flag? Has the Sarge turned on the U.S. for the second time in his career? Of course not. Sarge turns on his newly made friends, by saying if it wasn’t for the U.S., they would be speaking Russian and French now. Infact, most of them speak French. Now Sarge wants Canadians to pay respect to the United States. Looks like Slaughter’s playing bad guy tonight.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back, and a recap of Triple H announcing he’s reforming DX for SummerSlam, and how trips travelled to Texas to find him. Yip.

MATCH#2: Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne

The rubber match between the two. This match will go no longer than five minutes. I guarantee it.

Swagger uses his power advantage early on, until Bourne uses his speed advantage to control the match. Swagger with a submission hold, but Bourne escapes and attack with some kicks, ending with a near fall. Swagger looks for the powerbomb, but Evan counters into a roll-up for a near fall. Swagger introduces his opponent to the turnbuckle as hard as he possibly can, and one Gutwrench Powerbomb later, and Dusty Rhodes gets the pin.

YOUR WINNER: Jack Swagger.

Told you the match would be quick. Swagger on the mic, and after he talks. Here comes MVP. He doesn’t care that Dusty is a 2-time All-American, the Canadians don’t care. Nobody cares. MVP challenges Swagger to a match tonight. Swagger wants it next week, but MVP isnt happy and pushes Swagger out of the ring.

Don’t forget. Orton vs Show, Jericho vs Cena and the hunt for the Christian. Still to come.

COMMERCIAL

Back, and we’re hunting Christians. H hits on a guy, and scores. A little girl wants a hamburger, and it’s Texas Chef HBK. H is shocked. I think it’s lame-i-fied.

Here comes the Sarge again. He has bought us Celine Dion to sing the Canadian National Anthem. That’s a lie, as it’s really Jillian. I’d prefer Jillian to Celine Dion.

COMMERCIAL

Why is Vince plugging Monk?

Back from commercial, and it’s a contract on a pole match? Vince Russo IS writing for the WWE.

MATCH#3: Contract on a Pole

Eugene vs Calgary Kid

Eugene channels his inner Rock, and hits the Rock Bottom and the People’s Elbow, but that doesnt affect the Calgary Kid. Calgary Kid knocks Eugene off the ropes and grabs the contract.

YOUR WINNER:  Calg…

Wait a minute, that isn’t the Calgary Kid. He just hit the Stroke!

YOUR WINNER: Jeff Jarr..

Wait a minute, that’s not the Chosen One, it’s …

YOUR WINNER: The Miz

The Miz is back on RAW, so what was the point of last week?

COMMERCIAL

We’re back with the Rewind, Show beating the hell out of Kofi last week.

MATCH#4: Randy Orton vs the Big Show

Big Show has been borrowing John Tenta’s ring attire.

Show gets up close and personal to Orton, but Randy backs away. Maybe Orton only likes it when it’s Cena close to him. Randy Orton has had a grand total of zero offence so far in this match. I’ve been in and out during this match, so I have missed sections. I get back to see RKO looking for just that, the RKO, but Show blocks it. Show connects with the Chokeslam, but Orton is too close to the ropes, and gets his foot on the rope, when Show goes for the fall. Big Show goes for the fist, but Orton ducks under and heads out of the ring, and deliberately gets counted out.

YOUR WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: Big Show

Hunting for Christians Part Two

Shawn gets tater tots thrown in his face. Also, he can’t cook. When I worked in the food industry, I never burned the grill like that. I only saw someone smash  a light globe into the fry vats.

COMMERCIAL

Another pointless Did You Know? from the folks at WWE.

MATCH#5: MVP vs Chris Masters

MVP doesn’t get to fight Swagger, instead he gets the Masterpiece.

Masters with the assualt on MVP in the early going. He continues the advantage until he applies a chinlock-type hold, then MVP gets the momentum. MVP’s jumpsuit is as bright as Mark Henry’s costume last week. Masters goes for the Masterlock, but MVP counters into the Playmaker!!

YOUR WINNER: MVP

Enter the Swagger. The All-American American causes a long enough distraction for the Masterlock to be applied. Once that’s done, Swagger hits his Powerbomb.

A pop for Piven and Dr. Ken and their publicity run last week.

COMMERCIAL: They love these during a broadcast, don’t they?

Back again, and it’s time for …

Hunting for Christians, Part Three

Shawn’s hired Hunter to help him flip burgers. Shawn Sweet Chins his boss. An old lady tells me to suck it, and Shawn Sweet Chin’s a little girl.

Enter the Sarge yet again, and he cues the music of the Hitman. But no, it’s not Bret Hart, it’s Jim Duggan, complete with American flag.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back, with the Slam of the Week. Mark Henry vs Chavo Guerrero from last week.

MATCH#6: Hornswoggle and Mark Henry vs ??

Chavo was meant to be competing, but he is ‘injured’, so he calls on Legacy to take his place.

Henry gets the upper hand, before Legacy start the dissecting. However, that is short lives, as Henry regains control. World’s Strongest Slam on DiBiase, the tag to Hornswoggle for the Splash, but DiBiase gets out of the way and Cody takes out Henry. One Dream Street later, and it’s bye bye to the Woggle.

YOUR WINNERS: Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.

After the match, Legacy grab mics and book themselves to do the J.O.B to DX at SummerSlam.

We’re back with a rundowm of the SummerSlam card, then Josh Matthews interviews Chris Jericho. Jericho says he’s winning for Calgary, then Show arrives. BIg Show bitches about how Orton ran off on him, Jericho bags out Calgary. Matthews tells Jericho the cameras are still rolling. Jericho feels like a tool.

COMMERCIAL

Next week’s RAW Guest Host. Former WWE writer, Freddie Prinze Jr.

MAIN EVENT: Chris Jericho vs John Cena

Cena gains the early momentum, until Jericho takes over. Cena ends up outside the ring, where Y2J introduces him to the ring steps. Jericho then applies a Camel Clutch, just because Sarge is guest host. Back in the ring, and Cena somehow gains control. He looks for the shuffle, but Jericho rolls him up for the two. Jericho misses with the Lionsault, but doesn’t with the Walls attempt. Cena counters into the STF, but Orton comes and breaks it up before the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah can tap, causing the DQ.

YOUR WINNER BY DQ: John Cena

Cena gets in Orton’s face, but eats a CodeBreaker from Jericho. Jericho shoves Orton, so Jericho gets knocked down. Enter Show. Chokeslam to Orton. Sarge comes out and announces JeriShow vs Cena and Orton for next week, as we end.

There, even though the servers for BWF crashed during this broadcast, I did my best to bring you the action.